Women whose partner's make enough for them to stay home, why do you prefer working?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Everyone contributes to society, what's the difference between raising your children, caring for your parents and managing your household vs doing it for money as an employee?

For me it’s because once kids were in school there was not much “raising kids/caring for parents/managing household “ to do.

I’m always surprised when people say this. I don’t think that my day to day changed that much when my youngest went to school. I just didn’t have my little buddy with me anymore.

I guess I don’t go to the zoo as much, but it’s not like I was spending hours a day playing CandyLand with a four year old before he went to school.

You don't think your day to day changed when you arent responsible for a human for most of the day? That's a huge difference to me!

I’m still ultimately responsible for all of my kids every day.
But yeah, it isn’t that different.
Now I go go book club on Thursday mornings on my own. I don’t have to bring stickers.
When I fold laundry, I listen to an audiobook instead of his little stories, and I have to match the socks myself.
I usually make dinner on my own without my little helper. (There’s too much going on after school to cook then.).

I mostly kind of miss him.

Sounds like you don’t do much of anything.

She cooks and cleans and takes care of her children after school. That’s plenty.

DP here. I have 3 kids in 3 different schools. I basically have 5 hours from last kid drop off to first kid ending school. I work out, shower, run errands, cook, clean up, etc. There isn’t that much time left. I do meet up with a friend for lunch or go to the spa but it is like once per week.

Your time management skills are severely lacking. I guess it's good you don't have to work because it doesn't sound like you'd make it through a day.

So much hate! How do you know that her time management skills are lacking?

You’d put all three kids in the same school, right? Because you’re so brilliant, yeah? That actually sounds lazy to me. Maybe she’s chosen to make her life a little more difficult to put each kid at the best place for that child. She’s doing it because she can and she wants the best fit for all three.

For a third party like me, it’s obvious that you are seething with jealousy that you do not have the resources to send your kids to three different schools.

No it's pretty obvious she has 5 hours a day, but can't get anything done. Poor time management is most likely it. I say that as SAHM . I see many other SAHM claim it's just so hard and they don't have time for anything it almost always comes down to poor time management or undiagnosed depression and ADHD both of which have a time management component

What exactly am I not getting done? I have three kids and take care of them. I keep our house going. I am not saying I am doing anything more. I am planning a birthday party for one of my kids, spring break and summer.

I have plenty of time. What I don’t have time for is a full time job in my 5 hours the kids are at school. I like working out daily after kids are at school. I am not the type to wake up at 5am to work out before everyone wakes up. By the time I shower after exercise, clean up breakfast, it is already lunchtime. Then I have 2 hours before first kid gets out of school.

I am a fellow SAHM. I think it just boils down to phrasing. People get very prickly on here when you say you “can’t” work or “don’t have time.” Just say you could but choose not to and it works best for your family this way. Saying you don’t have time implies you think they are somehow short-changing someone and that is where they get defensive.

I agree with this. I think many families would function better with a stay at home parent. It’s fine if neither parent wants to stay at home, but there are a lot of families who wish they could afford a sahp and make the difficult sacrifice to work and prioritize their family’s financial well being. When a sahp claims they wouldn’t have time to work, that’s ridiculous and is a jab at the people who do everything you do to run a home and life, but also work full time. We all have the same number of hours in the day. You either don’t have to work or choose not to.

I actual think most families don’t function better with a SAHM.

I think that really bothers some SAHM’s to know some women work and run their house better/same and see their kids just as much,

I’m one of the SAHMs on this thread. It doesn’t bother me at all. Many of my friends work. Most of my kids’ parents work. I don’t necessarily think their house is run better but everyone does what they think is best for their family.

And there you have it. You have to believe they don’t run the same/better for done reason based in your own insecurities.

You are misunderstanding my post. We know many different families. I would say everyone we know is relatively successful. Everyone has money. Everyone has help. A good nanny will be better than a bad mother I guess. I truly sincerely believe a mom being home with her baby is better for the child. This is not insecurity. This is just my personal feelings.

And I think staying home is a cop out for people who can't hack it in the real world. That's not my insecurity. This is just my personal feelings.

See how that works?

not pp. You don't sound like a nice person and I hope I don't know you!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Think really hard about what you’re asking here, OP. It’s 2024. What if we asked all the DHs out there why they still work even if their wife makes a lot of money?

If my income alone was in 7 figures, DH would quit instantly. You make a good point about asking if men want to work because I think so many would love to dedicate their time to other things (some in and some out of the home). We just hear the voices of those saying they would always have a job but I think a lot would be very grateful for at the very least, a hiatus. Like other pps, our end goal is FIRE with less than zero apprehension of how to fill our time.

Of all the people I know where the wife makes enough for the H to stay home, and the h is employable none of the H’s stay home.

I have 1 SAHD friend, he is a great dad, I love him to death, but he’d even tell you he is unemployable.

My friend group is pretty religious and conservative with a lot of SAHP. I would say about 1/3 of the families with a SAHP have a SAHD.

I can also only think of one SAHD I know outside of this community.

I think that when raising children is considered valuable in your friend group and community at large, more men tend to take it on.

What % of those SAHD say they stay home in part to make things pleasant in the home and to have a happy wife? Curious if the thinking flips that far.

Your are misquoting me. I said DH comes home to a happy family. I never said that I do it to have a happy husband. I do it for me and the kids, not necessarily DH.

My husband will say happy wife is a happy life though. We say this in our house all the time. I never say happy husband happy life.

He just needs to go make the money, amirite? Gross.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I’ll never understand the daily errands thing

Gives them something to do.

DP but agree.

There is no way anyone "needs" to go to the post office or grocery store every day. And if you do grocery shop every day, you are shopping for very minimal ingredients that do not take long, because you're only buying enough for the day. If you are literally running out of clothing, you/your children must wear the same thing every day? I'm so confused as to how someone can say they are running out of clothing because they didn't do laundry ONE day??

Working out takes time. Cooking takes time. But most SAHMs arent cooking dinner at 3pm before their kids are out of school.

I just tend to think that SAHMs get a lot of heat (see this thread) so try and make it sound like their days are sooo busy, even though it's really not. It's an insecurity because they feel like they have to "keep up" with the working people or ones who are actually busy.

I like the comparison to retired people. I know very few retired people who are like "oh yeah im sooo busy! Busier than when I was working!" They own it and talk about gardening and napping and being bored LOL.

This is a weird DCUM phenomenon. I am a longtime SAHM (with teens now) who subs at the local ES part-time. I know very few remaining SAHMs who have not trickled back to work in some capacity. And none of them claim or pretend to be super busy. Most basically just act semi-retired.

Perhaps it's because so many people on here are educated working women that they feel inferior? Maybe IRL they hang out with people of the same caliber, and don't feel the need to puff up their days. Like, I'd love to go to a daytime book club, pilates class and swing by the cafe to meet a friend for lunch. But don't tell me that's "so busy raising kids" lolol.

I don't know if you did this, but you implied that you and other educated working moms are of a higher caliber than PP. Was that what you meant to say?

Perhaps "caliber" was the wrong word. I surmised that the SAHMs who puff up their day to sound supes busy raising children and keeping their house are insecure specifically on this website, because there is a high % of highly educated working women. If they aren't doing this in IRL (telling other SAHMs how busy they are) because they feel more comfortable with them, are not insecure about talking about how quiet their days are.

When you talk to SAHMs in person, do you do things like imply that you're better than they are because you're an educated working woman, and that it makes sense that they'd feel insecure around you? I think that people just say things on this website that they wouldn't in person.

You must have missed this part of my post: I'd love to go to a daytime book club, pilates class and swing by the cafe to meet a friend for lunch. But don't tell me that's "so busy raising kids" lolol.

I don't think I'm better than anyone! I do work for many reasons, posted a while back. But the SAHM friends I have do not make up lies about how many times they clean bathrooms per day to make me think theyre so busy. They also dont imply that I'm a bad parent because I work, or that my house is dirty because I dont clean 5 bathrooms 7x a week. I am going to assume the ones who talk about how there's "no time left" to do much while your kid is at school are insecure and defensive over their choices. If someone wants to own their life of leisure, I'm here for it! But dont piss on my back and tell me its raining.

I was talking about your use of the word "caliber." You did say that "perhaps" it was the wrong word, but I don't see how you can say something like that and not feel superior to the people you said are of lesser caliber. I do think that a lot of the comments from SAHMs here are rude too, but I wonder if people are getting defensive or upset not because someone is actually being insulting, but because we can't help but infer an insult when someone defends a life choice that is different from our own.

I was responding to a specific post about how SAHMs dont do this IRL, only on DCUM, and what the differences may be and I apologize if my word choice triggered you.

Some of the posts on this thread are insulting. Especially considering it was supposed to be about why working women work, and seems to have been taken over with SAHMs justifying how they spend their time instead.

Why do you find it insulting that a SAHM runs errands during the day?

Do you find it insulting that people without children are running errands or going to book club in the evening?

I don't think you understood the post...

Why are working moms so upset with SAHMs? I don’t think SAHMs are upset about working moms.

I’m a SAHM currently but I used to be a working mom. I have many friends from various times in my life. We are in our mid to late forties and many of my friends are unhappy. Many of the people on DCUM seem extremely unhappy if they need to attack others and their family choices.

For my marriage and family, it was the right choice for me to stay home. I like staying home. My kids are happy and thriving. I feel grateful and appreciative of DH. DH comes home to a happy family.

I was not a happy working mom. I was always stressed. I felt guilty about not spending enough time with my kids. I was always tired. I was often annoyed at school events or times when other people wanted to do something during the middle of a work day. I came home from work, had dinner with kids and put them to bed. It really wasn’t quality time at all. Then I would often be annoyed or irritated at DH.

Many of my most unhappiest friends are working moms with husbands who do not pull their weight and are less successful than the mom. The mom still has to do it all while also being the breadwinner. These women have high standards and not the most easy going. They are either divorced, divorcing or in unhappy marriages. I suspect the nasty people on this thread are likely one of these people. The most successful women I know happen to be the unhappiest in love. Maybe it is just in my circles.

Nah, they just say that working moms don't love their kids. NBD.

I can only speak for myself as a SAHM and I would never think this or say it.

I believe you. Unfortunately, there are lots of nasty SAHMs on here who would. But thanks for not being one of them, truly.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Everyone contributes to society, what's the difference between raising your children, caring for your parents and managing your household vs doing it for money as an employee?

For me it’s because once kids were in school there was not much “raising kids/caring for parents/managing household “ to do.

I’m always surprised when people say this. I don’t think that my day to day changed that much when my youngest went to school. I just didn’t have my little buddy with me anymore.

I guess I don’t go to the zoo as much, but it’s not like I was spending hours a day playing CandyLand with a four year old before he went to school.

You don't think your day to day changed when you arent responsible for a human for most of the day? That's a huge difference to me!

I’m still ultimately responsible for all of my kids every day.
But yeah, it isn’t that different.
Now I go go book club on Thursday mornings on my own. I don’t have to bring stickers.
When I fold laundry, I listen to an audiobook instead of his little stories, and I have to match the socks myself.
I usually make dinner on my own without my little helper. (There’s too much going on after school to cook then.).

I mostly kind of miss him.

Sounds like you don’t do much of anything.

She cooks and cleans and takes care of her children after school. That’s plenty.

DP here. I have 3 kids in 3 different schools. I basically have 5 hours from last kid drop off to first kid ending school. I work out, shower, run errands, cook, clean up, etc. There isn’t that much time left. I do meet up with a friend for lunch or go to the spa but it is like once per week.

Your time management skills are severely lacking. I guess it's good you don't have to work because it doesn't sound like you'd make it through a day.

So much hate! How do you know that her time management skills are lacking?

You’d put all three kids in the same school, right? Because you’re so brilliant, yeah? That actually sounds lazy to me. Maybe she’s chosen to make her life a little more difficult to put each kid at the best place for that child. She’s doing it because she can and she wants the best fit for all three.

For a third party like me, it’s obvious that you are seething with jealousy that you do not have the resources to send your kids to three different schools.

No it's pretty obvious she has 5 hours a day, but can't get anything done. Poor time management is most likely it. I say that as SAHM . I see many other SAHM claim it's just so hard and they don't have time for anything it almost always comes down to poor time management or undiagnosed depression and ADHD both of which have a time management component

What exactly am I not getting done? I have three kids and take care of them. I keep our house going. I am not saying I am doing anything more. I am planning a birthday party for one of my kids, spring break and summer.

I have plenty of time. What I don’t have time for is a full time job in my 5 hours the kids are at school. I like working out daily after kids are at school. I am not the type to wake up at 5am to work out before everyone wakes up. By the time I shower after exercise, clean up breakfast, it is already lunchtime. Then I have 2 hours before first kid gets out of school.

I am a fellow SAHM. I think it just boils down to phrasing. People get very prickly on here when you say you “can’t” work or “don’t have time.” Just say you could but choose not to and it works best for your family this way. Saying you don’t have time implies you think they are somehow short-changing someone and that is where they get defensive.

I agree with this. I think many families would function better with a stay at home parent. It’s fine if neither parent wants to stay at home, but there are a lot of families who wish they could afford a sahp and make the difficult sacrifice to work and prioritize their family’s financial well being. When a sahp claims they wouldn’t have time to work, that’s ridiculous and is a jab at the people who do everything you do to run a home and life, but also work full time. We all have the same number of hours in the day. You either don’t have to work or choose not to.

I actual think most families don’t function better with a SAHM.

I think that really bothers some SAHM’s to know some women work and run their house better/same and see their kids just as much,

I’m one of the SAHMs on this thread. It doesn’t bother me at all. Many of my friends work. Most of my kids’ parents work. I don’t necessarily think their house is run better but everyone does what they think is best for their family.

And there you have it. You have to believe they don’t run the same/better for done reason based in your own insecurities.

Yup. And continually post on a thread about working mothers.

So now you are telling other women to shut up? We aren't allowed opinions?

Nobody said that. If you ask a football player how to tackle, and a baseball player tries to answer you might say... let the football player answer the questions why do you need to but in.

The questions was ... working moms, why do you work.

If you want a thread on SAHM's why do you SAH, create a thead.

I'm not interested in creating a thread. I do think everyone should be able to say there opinion regardless if I work or not.

Like nails on a chalk board

I made a mistake which I corrected later. I'm assuming you are perfect?

So what is your opinion? If your husband makes enough but you choose to work, what are your reasons for still working?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I’ll never understand the daily errands thing

Gives them something to do.

DP but agree.

There is no way anyone "needs" to go to the post office or grocery store every day. And if you do grocery shop every day, you are shopping for very minimal ingredients that do not take long, because you're only buying enough for the day. If you are literally running out of clothing, you/your children must wear the same thing every day? I'm so confused as to how someone can say they are running out of clothing because they didn't do laundry ONE day??

Working out takes time. Cooking takes time. But most SAHMs arent cooking dinner at 3pm before their kids are out of school.

I just tend to think that SAHMs get a lot of heat (see this thread) so try and make it sound like their days are sooo busy, even though it's really not. It's an insecurity because they feel like they have to "keep up" with the working people or ones who are actually busy.

I like the comparison to retired people. I know very few retired people who are like "oh yeah im sooo busy! Busier than when I was working!" They own it and talk about gardening and napping and being bored LOL.

This is a weird DCUM phenomenon. I am a longtime SAHM (with teens now) who subs at the local ES part-time. I know very few remaining SAHMs who have not trickled back to work in some capacity. And none of them claim or pretend to be super busy. Most basically just act semi-retired.

Perhaps it's because so many people on here are educated working women that they feel inferior? Maybe IRL they hang out with people of the same caliber, and don't feel the need to puff up their days. Like, I'd love to go to a daytime book club, pilates class and swing by the cafe to meet a friend for lunch. But don't tell me that's "so busy raising kids" lolol.

I don't know if you did this, but you implied that you and other educated working moms are of a higher caliber than PP. Was that what you meant to say?

Perhaps "caliber" was the wrong word. I surmised that the SAHMs who puff up their day to sound supes busy raising children and keeping their house are insecure specifically on this website, because there is a high % of highly educated working women. If they aren't doing this in IRL (telling other SAHMs how busy they are) because they feel more comfortable with them, are not insecure about talking about how quiet their days are.

When you talk to SAHMs in person, do you do things like imply that you're better than they are because you're an educated working woman, and that it makes sense that they'd feel insecure around you? I think that people just say things on this website that they wouldn't in person.

You must have missed this part of my post: I'd love to go to a daytime book club, pilates class and swing by the cafe to meet a friend for lunch. But don't tell me that's "so busy raising kids" lolol.

I don't think I'm better than anyone! I do work for many reasons, posted a while back. But the SAHM friends I have do not make up lies about how many times they clean bathrooms per day to make me think theyre so busy. They also dont imply that I'm a bad parent because I work, or that my house is dirty because I dont clean 5 bathrooms 7x a week. I am going to assume the ones who talk about how there's "no time left" to do much while your kid is at school are insecure and defensive over their choices. If someone wants to own their life of leisure, I'm here for it! But dont piss on my back and tell me its raining.

I was talking about your use of the word "caliber." You did say that "perhaps" it was the wrong word, but I don't see how you can say something like that and not feel superior to the people you said are of lesser caliber. I do think that a lot of the comments from SAHMs here are rude too, but I wonder if people are getting defensive or upset not because someone is actually being insulting, but because we can't help but infer an insult when someone defends a life choice that is different from our own.

I was responding to a specific post about how SAHMs dont do this IRL, only on DCUM, and what the differences may be and I apologize if my word choice triggered you.

Some of the posts on this thread are insulting. Especially considering it was supposed to be about why working women work, and seems to have been taken over with SAHMs justifying how they spend their time instead.

Why do you find it insulting that a SAHM runs errands during the day?

Do you find it insulting that people without children are running errands or going to book club in the evening?

I don't think you understood the post...

I think I did.

I think if a bunch of people came on this thread and started posting about how they didn’t have kids because they wanted to maintain their career, you wouldn’t feel so insulted.

You also wouldn’t force them to account for their time evenings and weekends and tell them how unproductive they are.

I think many people would find that insulting actually. Maybe you wouldn't, but I definitely would. It adds nothing to the conversation, it's just chatter from people who want attention, distracting from the actual topic. It costs nothing to make your own thread about whatever you want lol. More power to you to do that! Derailing other peoples threads is inappropriate internet etiquette, but there are many people on here (and trolls) who love to do it.

You're right that I wouldn't force them to account for their time on evenings and weekends, nor have I done that with any one else who posted here.

You have asked women who primarily work taking care of their children to account for their time when the children aren’t home.
Then you accused them of lying, puffing up their day, pretending to be so busy, feeling insecure, and being ineffective with their time.

I’m not a SAHM, but I feel compelled to defend them. And I am sure that your comments have caused several people casually looking at this thread to post.

If you want to know why SAHMs are posting in this thread, that’s why.

DP. Actually OP asked about WORKING MOMS but the SAHMs just can't help themselves and had to jump in. So who is the problem, exactly?

NP wondering the same thing! I have been watching this thread that was clearly asking a question of working moms get overtaken by SAHMs with an apparent axe to grind. It could have been an interesting conversation among moms about what is worthwhile about their jobs but instead is another silly DCUM judgment-fest where SAHMs defend their decisions not to work.

+1

Question: If your husband makes enough money for you to stay home, why do you prefer working?

A: I stay at home, so this question isn't at all relevant, to me, but I'm going to tell you why I love staying home!

[Anonymous]

You all are exhausting.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Think really hard about what you’re asking here, OP. It’s 2024. What if we asked all the DHs out there why they still work even if their wife makes a lot of money?

If my income alone was in 7 figures, DH would quit instantly. You make a good point about asking if men want to work because I think so many would love to dedicate their time to other things (some in and some out of the home). We just hear the voices of those saying they would always have a job but I think a lot would be very grateful for at the very least, a hiatus. Like other pps, our end goal is FIRE with less than zero apprehension of how to fill our time.

Of all the people I know where the wife makes enough for the H to stay home, and the h is employable none of the H’s stay home.

I have 1 SAHD friend, he is a great dad, I love him to death, but he’d even tell you he is unemployable.

My friend group is pretty religious and conservative with a lot of SAHP. I would say about 1/3 of the families with a SAHP have a SAHD.

I can also only think of one SAHD I know outside of this community.

I think that when raising children is considered valuable in your friend group and community at large, more men tend to take it on.

What % of those SAHD say they stay home in part to make things pleasant in the home and to have a happy wife? Curious if the thinking flips that far.

Your are misquoting me. I said DH comes home to a happy family. I never said that I do it to have a happy husband. I do it for me and the kids, not necessarily DH.

My husband will say happy wife is a happy life though. We say this in our house all the time. I never say happy husband happy life.

Wait until your H loses his job or becomes disabled and tell me how happy the family is.

Most men come home to a happy family no matter the working status of the wife. Actually SAHM's often want to do a hand off as soon as men get home... tag your it, which actually causes lots of issues.

As of now, DH’s career is as strong as ever. He is making several million per year. I don’t think he is losing his job anytime soon. Even if he did, we have more money than we need. Neither he or I have to work.

Too bad he's such a bad father he'd rather be a "corporate cog" than at home with his family

Mic drop

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I’ll never understand the daily errands thing

Gives them something to do.

DP but agree.

There is no way anyone "needs" to go to the post office or grocery store every day. And if you do grocery shop every day, you are shopping for very minimal ingredients that do not take long, because you're only buying enough for the day. If you are literally running out of clothing, you/your children must wear the same thing every day? I'm so confused as to how someone can say they are running out of clothing because they didn't do laundry ONE day??

Working out takes time. Cooking takes time. But most SAHMs arent cooking dinner at 3pm before their kids are out of school.

I just tend to think that SAHMs get a lot of heat (see this thread) so try and make it sound like their days are sooo busy, even though it's really not. It's an insecurity because they feel like they have to "keep up" with the working people or ones who are actually busy.

I like the comparison to retired people. I know very few retired people who are like "oh yeah im sooo busy! Busier than when I was working!" They own it and talk about gardening and napping and being bored LOL.

This is a weird DCUM phenomenon. I am a longtime SAHM (with teens now) who subs at the local ES part-time. I know very few remaining SAHMs who have not trickled back to work in some capacity. And none of them claim or pretend to be super busy. Most basically just act semi-retired.

Perhaps it's because so many people on here are educated working women that they feel inferior? Maybe IRL they hang out with people of the same caliber, and don't feel the need to puff up their days. Like, I'd love to go to a daytime book club, pilates class and swing by the cafe to meet a friend for lunch. But don't tell me that's "so busy raising kids" lolol.

I don't know if you did this, but you implied that you and other educated working moms are of a higher caliber than PP. Was that what you meant to say?

Perhaps "caliber" was the wrong word. I surmised that the SAHMs who puff up their day to sound supes busy raising children and keeping their house are insecure specifically on this website, because there is a high % of highly educated working women. If they aren't doing this in IRL (telling other SAHMs how busy they are) because they feel more comfortable with them, are not insecure about talking about how quiet their days are.

When you talk to SAHMs in person, do you do things like imply that you're better than they are because you're an educated working woman, and that it makes sense that they'd feel insecure around you? I think that people just say things on this website that they wouldn't in person.

You must have missed this part of my post: I'd love to go to a daytime book club, pilates class and swing by the cafe to meet a friend for lunch. But don't tell me that's "so busy raising kids" lolol.

I don't think I'm better than anyone! I do work for many reasons, posted a while back. But the SAHM friends I have do not make up lies about how many times they clean bathrooms per day to make me think theyre so busy. They also dont imply that I'm a bad parent because I work, or that my house is dirty because I dont clean 5 bathrooms 7x a week. I am going to assume the ones who talk about how there's "no time left" to do much while your kid is at school are insecure and defensive over their choices. If someone wants to own their life of leisure, I'm here for it! But dont piss on my back and tell me its raining.

I was talking about your use of the word "caliber." You did say that "perhaps" it was the wrong word, but I don't see how you can say something like that and not feel superior to the people you said are of lesser caliber. I do think that a lot of the comments from SAHMs here are rude too, but I wonder if people are getting defensive or upset not because someone is actually being insulting, but because we can't help but infer an insult when someone defends a life choice that is different from our own.

I was responding to a specific post about how SAHMs dont do this IRL, only on DCUM, and what the differences may be and I apologize if my word choice triggered you.

Some of the posts on this thread are insulting. Especially considering it was supposed to be about why working women work, and seems to have been taken over with SAHMs justifying how they spend their time instead.

Why do you find it insulting that a SAHM runs errands during the day?

Do you find it insulting that people without children are running errands or going to book club in the evening?

I don't think you understood the post...

I think I did.

I think if a bunch of people came on this thread and started posting about how they didn’t have kids because they wanted to maintain their career, you wouldn’t feel so insulted.

You also wouldn’t force them to account for their time evenings and weekends and tell them how unproductive they are.

I think many people would find that insulting actually. Maybe you wouldn't, but I definitely would. It adds nothing to the conversation, it's just chatter from people who want attention, distracting from the actual topic. It costs nothing to make your own thread about whatever you want lol. More power to you to do that! Derailing other peoples threads is inappropriate internet etiquette, but there are many people on here (and trolls) who love to do it.

You're right that I wouldn't force them to account for their time on evenings and weekends, nor have I done that with any one else who posted here.

You have asked women who primarily work taking care of their children to account for their time when the children aren’t home.
Then you accused them of lying, puffing up their day, pretending to be so busy, feeling insecure, and being ineffective with their time.

I’m not a SAHM, but I feel compelled to defend them. And I am sure that your comments have caused several people casually looking at this thread to post.

If you want to know why SAHMs are posting in this thread, that’s why.

DP. Actually OP asked about WORKING MOMS but the SAHMs just can't help themselves and had to jump in. So who is the problem, exactly?

NP wondering the same thing! I have been watching this thread that was clearly asking a question of working moms get overtaken by SAHMs with an apparent axe to grind. It could have been an interesting conversation among moms about what is worthwhile about their jobs but instead is another silly DCUM judgment-fest where SAHMs defend their decisions not to work.

+1

Question: If your husband makes enough money for you to stay home, why do you prefer working?

A: I stay at home, so this question isn't at all relevant, to me, but I'm going to tell you why I love staying home!

Great summary!

Did we really need thirty something pages of SAHMs not answering the question?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Everyone contributes to society, what's the difference between raising your children, caring for your parents and managing your household vs doing it for money as an employee?

For me it’s because once kids were in school there was not much “raising kids/caring for parents/managing household “ to do.

I’m always surprised when people say this. I don’t think that my day to day changed that much when my youngest went to school. I just didn’t have my little buddy with me anymore.

I guess I don’t go to the zoo as much, but it’s not like I was spending hours a day playing CandyLand with a four year old before he went to school.

You don't think your day to day changed when you arent responsible for a human for most of the day? That's a huge difference to me!

I’m still ultimately responsible for all of my kids every day.
But yeah, it isn’t that different.
Now I go go book club on Thursday mornings on my own. I don’t have to bring stickers.
When I fold laundry, I listen to an audiobook instead of his little stories, and I have to match the socks myself.
I usually make dinner on my own without my little helper. (There’s too much going on after school to cook then.).

I mostly kind of miss him.

Sounds like you don’t do much of anything.

She cooks and cleans and takes care of her children after school. That’s plenty.

DP here. I have 3 kids in 3 different schools. I basically have 5 hours from last kid drop off to first kid ending school. I work out, shower, run errands, cook, clean up, etc. There isn’t that much time left. I do meet up with a friend for lunch or go to the spa but it is like once per week.

Your time management skills are severely lacking. I guess it's good you don't have to work because it doesn't sound like you'd make it through a day.

So much hate! How do you know that her time management skills are lacking?

You’d put all three kids in the same school, right? Because you’re so brilliant, yeah? That actually sounds lazy to me. Maybe she’s chosen to make her life a little more difficult to put each kid at the best place for that child. She’s doing it because she can and she wants the best fit for all three.

For a third party like me, it’s obvious that you are seething with jealousy that you do not have the resources to send your kids to three different schools.

No it's pretty obvious she has 5 hours a day, but can't get anything done. Poor time management is most likely it. I say that as SAHM . I see many other SAHM claim it's just so hard and they don't have time for anything it almost always comes down to poor time management or undiagnosed depression and ADHD both of which have a time management component

What exactly am I not getting done? I have three kids and take care of them. I keep our house going. I am not saying I am doing anything more. I am planning a birthday party for one of my kids, spring break and summer.

I have plenty of time. What I don’t have time for is a full time job in my 5 hours the kids are at school. I like working out daily after kids are at school. I am not the type to wake up at 5am to work out before everyone wakes up. By the time I shower after exercise, clean up breakfast, it is already lunchtime. Then I have 2 hours before first kid gets out of school.

I am a fellow SAHM. I think it just boils down to phrasing. People get very prickly on here when you say you “can’t” work or “don’t have time.” Just say you could but choose not to and it works best for your family this way. Saying you don’t have time implies you think they are somehow short-changing someone and that is where they get defensive.

I agree with this. I think many families would function better with a stay at home parent. It’s fine if neither parent wants to stay at home, but there are a lot of families who wish they could afford a sahp and make the difficult sacrifice to work and prioritize their family’s financial well being. When a sahp claims they wouldn’t have time to work, that’s ridiculous and is a jab at the people who do everything you do to run a home and life, but also work full time. We all have the same number of hours in the day. You either don’t have to work or choose not to.

I actual think most families don’t function better with a SAHM.

I think that really bothers some SAHM’s to know some women work and run their house better/same and see their kids just as much,

I’m one of the SAHMs on this thread. It doesn’t bother me at all. Many of my friends work. Most of my kids’ parents work. I don’t necessarily think their house is run better but everyone does what they think is best for their family.

And there you have it. You have to believe they don’t run the same/better for done reason based in your own insecurities.

Yup. And continually post on a thread about working mothers.

So now you are telling other women to shut up? We aren't allowed opinions?

Nobody said that. If you ask a football player how to tackle, and a baseball player tries to answer you might say... let the football player answer the questions why do you need to but in.

The questions was ... working moms, why do you work.

If you want a thread on SAHM's why do you SAH, create a thead.

I'm not interested in creating a thread. I do think everyone should be able to say there opinion regardless if I work or not.

And yet, no one is interested in your opinion on a topic you know nothing about.

And it's their.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:A little of tangent, but I resent the insinuation early up thread that PPs are cleaning bathrooms every day because of societal standards and not because they want to. Some people really, really like to clean. Just like some people like to play video games to relax.

I knew a finance guy once who was a crazy neat freak. He’d come home and clean after work. He’d vacuum, dust, scrub. His suits were organized by color and his socks were color coordinated, too. He dated a girlfriend of mine and whenever I’d go over, he’d have a rag in his hand. The only person who seemed to be bothered by his cleaning was his girlfriend. His mostly male colleagues couldn’t care less.

Some people would outsource exercise and sex if they could, but others like it. It’s the same with cleaning. Some people really like to do it.

I apologize if I offended the .00000001% of the population that really, really likes to clean.

The vast majority would outsource exercise as long as our bodies somehow still got the results of the outsourced exercise...which we do get with outsourcing cleaning.

Speak for yourself. I LOVE working out! I would never want to outsource it. I love losing myself in a tough workout and thinking about nothing.

And when do you work out? Before you go to work or while your children are at school? Just curious. I have a theory about the pleasure of working out and whether those people work or not.

[Anonymous]

I'm a WOHM. We make enough for me to retire. I would continue working even if I won the lottery. I think what I do is interesting, and I like contributing to the field I'm in. Frankly, I doubt I will every truly retire because I think I would just end up spending all my time on minutiae in ways that would drive me crazy, or becoming weirdly competitive about silly stuff. My mom was a SAHM, and I always felt she would have been happier if she had worked. She didn't like cooking, or cleaning, and seemed to resent us. She ended up taking a job at around age 65 doing something that had previously been a hobby, partly because she hadn't worked enough in her life to qualify for Social Security. She's fine financially but it just annoyed her. Anyway, she didn't sell me on being a SAHM, and I think working makes me a better mom.

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Anonymous wrote:Everyone contributes to society, what's the difference between raising your children, caring for your parents and managing your household vs doing it for money as an employee?

For me it’s because once kids were in school there was not much “raising kids/caring for parents/managing household “ to do.

I’m always surprised when people say this. I don’t think that my day to day changed that much when my youngest went to school. I just didn’t have my little buddy with me anymore.

I guess I don’t go to the zoo as much, but it’s not like I was spending hours a day playing CandyLand with a four year old before he went to school.

You don't think your day to day changed when you arent responsible for a human for most of the day? That's a huge difference to me!

I’m still ultimately responsible for all of my kids every day.
But yeah, it isn’t that different.
Now I go go book club on Thursday mornings on my own. I don’t have to bring stickers.
When I fold laundry, I listen to an audiobook instead of his little stories, and I have to match the socks myself.
I usually make dinner on my own without my little helper. (There’s too much going on after school to cook then.).

I mostly kind of miss him.

Sounds like you don’t do much of anything.

She cooks and cleans and takes care of her children after school. That’s plenty.

DP here. I have 3 kids in 3 different schools. I basically have 5 hours from last kid drop off to first kid ending school. I work out, shower, run errands, cook, clean up, etc. There isn’t that much time left. I do meet up with a friend for lunch or go to the spa but it is like once per week.

Your time management skills are severely lacking. I guess it's good you don't have to work because it doesn't sound like you'd make it through a day.

So much hate! How do you know that her time management skills are lacking?

You’d put all three kids in the same school, right? Because you’re so brilliant, yeah? That actually sounds lazy to me. Maybe she’s chosen to make her life a little more difficult to put each kid at the best place for that child. She’s doing it because she can and she wants the best fit for all three.

For a third party like me, it’s obvious that you are seething with jealousy that you do not have the resources to send your kids to three different schools.

No it's pretty obvious she has 5 hours a day, but can't get anything done. Poor time management is most likely it. I say that as SAHM . I see many other SAHM claim it's just so hard and they don't have time for anything it almost always comes down to poor time management or undiagnosed depression and ADHD both of which have a time management component

What exactly am I not getting done? I have three kids and take care of them. I keep our house going. I am not saying I am doing anything more. I am planning a birthday party for one of my kids, spring break and summer.

I have plenty of time. What I don’t have time for is a full time job in my 5 hours the kids are at school. I like working out daily after kids are at school. I am not the type to wake up at 5am to work out before everyone wakes up. By the time I shower after exercise, clean up breakfast, it is already lunchtime. Then I have 2 hours before first kid gets out of school.

I am a fellow SAHM. I think it just boils down to phrasing. People get very prickly on here when you say you “can’t” work or “don’t have time.” Just say you could but choose not to and it works best for your family this way. Saying you don’t have time implies you think they are somehow short-changing someone and that is where they get defensive.

I agree with this. I think many families would function better with a stay at home parent. It’s fine if neither parent wants to stay at home, but there are a lot of families who wish they could afford a sahp and make the difficult sacrifice to work and prioritize their family’s financial well being. When a sahp claims they wouldn’t have time to work, that’s ridiculous and is a jab at the people who do everything you do to run a home and life, but also work full time. We all have the same number of hours in the day. You either don’t have to work or choose not to.

I actual think most families don’t function better with a SAHM.

I think that really bothers some SAHM’s to know some women work and run their house better/same and see their kids just as much,

I’m one of the SAHMs on this thread. It doesn’t bother me at all. Many of my friends work. Most of my kids’ parents work. I don’t necessarily think their house is run better but everyone does what they think is best for their family.

And there you have it. You have to believe they don’t run the same/better for done reason based in your own insecurities.

You are misunderstanding my post. We know many different families. I would say everyone we know is relatively successful. Everyone has money. Everyone has help. A good nanny will be better than a bad mother I guess. I truly sincerely believe a mom being home with her baby is better for the child. This is not insecurity. This is just my personal feelings.

And I think staying home is a cop out for people who can't hack it in the real world. That's not my insecurity. This is just my personal feelings.

See how that works?

You really think a woman who graduated from college, worked for years and got a very high earning man to fall in love with her can’t hack it in the real world? She couldn’t manage some basic job like real estate agent or store manager or executive assistant or something? Come on. You know she can hack it, but doesn’t have to for financial reasons. None of those jobs is fascinating and most real world jobs aren’t. People do them because they need the money.

Obviously, she’s not Marie Curie, but neither are you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a WOHM. We make enough for me to retire. I would continue working even if I won the lottery. I think what I do is interesting, and I like contributing to the field I'm in. Frankly, I doubt I will every truly retire because I think I would just end up spending all my time on minutiae in ways that would drive me crazy, or becoming weirdly competitive about silly stuff. My mom was a SAHM, and I always felt she would have been happier if she had worked. She didn't like cooking, or cleaning, and seemed to resent us. She ended up taking a job at around age 65 doing something that had previously been a hobby, partly because she hadn't worked enough in her life to qualify for Social Security. She's fine financially but it just annoyed her. Anyway, she didn't sell me on being a SAHM, and I think working makes me a better mom.

Interesting post.

I can retire now but I’ve decided to in 3 years while I mentor someone to get promoted to my position.

I’m trying to figure out my next job (someone up thread is doing art). I have a few options, still figuring it out.

I might work at a vineyard, I might do coaching for free (I do it for money now but for sub executives), i might tutor math.., idk.

My H and I literally talk about what foundation we would create if we win the lottery, we don’t discuss vacations/travel… though we would do that too.

I don’t have “foundation” level money… yet.

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Anonymous wrote:Think really hard about what you’re asking here, OP. It’s 2024. What if we asked all the DHs out there why they still work even if their wife makes a lot of money?

If my income alone was in 7 figures, DH would quit instantly. You make a good point about asking if men want to work because I think so many would love to dedicate their time to other things (some in and some out of the home). We just hear the voices of those saying they would always have a job but I think a lot would be very grateful for at the very least, a hiatus. Like other pps, our end goal is FIRE with less than zero apprehension of how to fill our time.

Of all the people I know where the wife makes enough for the H to stay home, and the h is employable none of the H’s stay home.

I have 1 SAHD friend, he is a great dad, I love him to death, but he’d even tell you he is unemployable.

My friend group is pretty religious and conservative with a lot of SAHP. I would say about 1/3 of the families with a SAHP have a SAHD.

I can also only think of one SAHD I know outside of this community.

I think that when raising children is considered valuable in your friend group and community at large, more men tend to take it on.

What % of those SAHD say they stay home in part to make things pleasant in the home and to have a happy wife? Curious if the thinking flips that far.

100%. I mean, there is some bias in the telling of the story. I understand that I am not hearing people’s deepest darkest secret thoughts. But it generally goes that everyone was stressed at home, it made sense for one parent to quit, and the parent with the lower income quit.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:A little of tangent, but I resent the insinuation early up thread that PPs are cleaning bathrooms every day because of societal standards and not because they want to. Some people really, really like to clean. Just like some people like to play video games to relax.

I knew a finance guy once who was a crazy neat freak. He’d come home and clean after work. He’d vacuum, dust, scrub. His suits were organized by color and his socks were color coordinated, too. He dated a girlfriend of mine and whenever I’d go over, he’d have a rag in his hand. The only person who seemed to be bothered by his cleaning was his girlfriend. His mostly male colleagues couldn’t care less.

Some people would outsource exercise and sex if they could, but others like it. It’s the same with cleaning. Some people really like to do it.

I apologize if I offended the .00000001% of the population that really, really likes to clean.

The vast majority would outsource exercise as long as our bodies somehow still got the results of the outsourced exercise...which we do get with outsourcing cleaning.

Speak for yourself. I LOVE working out! I would never want to outsource it. I love losing myself in a tough workout and thinking about nothing.

And when do you work out? Before you go to work or while your children are at school? Just curious. I have a theory about the pleasure of working out and whether those people work or not.

I usually work out very early mornings, but if I could I would work out in the late afternoon. Unfortunately, my kids’ schedules are packed in the evenings, so it’s not an option. The ideal time for me would be after work, but I can’t manage it most days.