Ladies: When did you give up on finding a husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess at 39 when I started trying to get pregnant as a single mom by choice?

I spent the entire year before "dating like it was my job" going on 3-4 dates a week and just never met someone who seemed worth delaying (or giving up on) having a biological child for. I realized I had the rest of my life to meet someone, but a very limited time to become a parent. Became a mom at 41.

But I actually don't feel like I've given up. I still really want to get married. The pandemic and parenting a young child has made dating feel really hard. But I still hope to marry at some point.

But this idea that you can have a child first and a husband later, as if these periods of time are fungible, is completely flawed. It is almost impossible have the time to date as a single parent, and children are so consuming you are very unlikely to find anyone, especially if you already hadn't found someone. People don't get that these things are foundational to each other in a pyramid not interchangeable blocks in the toy train.

[Anonymous]

When my bio clock was ticking big time, and I set my sights and energy on getting a baby. Finally adopted a newborn at age 46. We are soooo happy!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess at 39 when I started trying to get pregnant as a single mom by choice?

I spent the entire year before "dating like it was my job" going on 3-4 dates a week and just never met someone who seemed worth delaying (or giving up on) having a biological child for. I realized I had the rest of my life to meet someone, but a very limited time to become a parent. Became a mom at 41.

But I actually don't feel like I've given up. I still really want to get married. The pandemic and parenting a young child has made dating feel really hard. But I still hope to marry at some point.

But this idea that you can have a child first and a husband later, as if these periods of time are fungible, is completely flawed. It is almost impossible have the time to date as a single parent, and children are so consuming you are very unlikely to find anyone, especially if you already hadn't found someone. People don't get that these things are foundational to each other in a pyramid not interchangeable blocks in the toy train.

Are you speaking from personal experience here? Or just uncomfortable with someone else's life choices?

Because I know plenty of women who have done this and ended up quite happy.

[Anonymous]

At 52. I wasn’t a big dater in my younger years. As I got older I wanted a relationship and hopefully marriage. Tried dating, apps, etc. Dating is a sh*t show, I don’t have the patience for players, lies, worrying if they’re going to call or not. So, I threw in the towel. If it happens, it happens but I’m not actively looking for it.

[Anonymous]

I’m 45. I have no interest. I was married in my 20’s and early 30’s and raised two kids alone, they are now teens. I might have gotten married again when they were little and done the whole blended family thing but now marriage just doesn’t seem like it’s something I’m drawn to. Companionship, sure but I don’t think I’d marry again. My first husband made such a mockery of what marriage is that I have no desire to give another important relationship that label.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:When you aren’t looking is when you’ll meet someone.

I was just out of a long relationship, determined to just have fun being single and that’s when I met my husband.

I feel like women on the hunt have a desperation men can read/feel. You usually aren’t at your best because you have an agenda instead of just relaxing and being yourself.

I always knew I’d be okay by myself. I had a good career and did things for me when I wasn’t actively in a relationship.

I feel like people speak out of both sides of their mouths on the issues you get told you have to actively look and make it your job and then you get told sit back and do nothing.

There's also this false assumption that wants to be married means you don't think you will be okay by yourself and have zero interests.

DP. I think you need to get out and meet men, obviously, but not be desperate for marriage. I enjoy men as friends, and almost every long-term relationship I’ve had started that way. Just someone I enjoyed hanging out with, and then it evolved into more. Men are like cats — if you chase them, they run away. You have to let them come to you.

What if they don't come to you> That's what you and the other poster don't understand not every woman has men chasing her down. You will now say she's doing something wrong, must not be friendly or smile enough, must be overweight, must not do her makeup, clothes or hair the right way.

This is me. Men have never, ever approached me. I am conventionally attractive, smart, funny, educated, interesting, compassionate and a great conversationalist. Have many flaws but they are not discerbale from a distance. But I am never approached.

This was me, too, and then I realized what I was doing: I never smiled at men who looked at me! I think it was a protective defense mechanism that I didn't realize I was employing even in social situations!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Somewhere in my 20's. I'm 44 now. I've been on exactly one date, when I was 14 (I didn't put out, he never called me again).

I kind of can't imagine being married now. My life is SO very me-focused.

Though I have been on more than one date ( not much more 5 dates with 3 guys) I feel this is my future.

Real question (and not trying to be mean/snarky): why so few dates?

I actually didn't date or kiss anyone until I was a senior in college so I empathize with late bloomers and the overlooked!

I’m the 44 yr old, and I’m ugly.

To somebody out there, you are a beautiful person.

I’m not the PP but I’m also not attractive. And I really don’t find this comment helpful. Sure someone somewhere might find me attractive, but the reality is most people don’t and that makes dating hard. I’ve made peace with it.

Not trying to convince you that you aren't ugly if that's what you want to believe about yourself. But if you really take a look around you most people are not supermodels, so I say it might not be your looks that's keeping you from dating, perhaps it's your self-esteem you are so convinced that nobody could possibly want you, that you don't notice the guys who have noticed you and who are interested.

I’ve dated but they never said I’m beautiful. They weren’t attractive either so no hurt feelings over that. I just recognize my limitations. I guess I haven’t given up, but I am not counting on being married someday and am planning my life (particularly my finances) with the expectation that I’ll remain single.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you aren’t looking is when you’ll meet someone.

I was just out of a long relationship, determined to just have fun being single and that’s when I met my husband.

I feel like women on the hunt have a desperation men can read/feel. You usually aren’t at your best because you have an agenda instead of just relaxing and being yourself.

I always knew I’d be okay by myself. I had a good career and did things for me when I wasn’t actively in a relationship.

I feel like people speak out of both sides of their mouths on the issues you get told you have to actively look and make it your job and then you get told sit back and do nothing.

There's also this false assumption that wants to be married means you don't think you will be okay by yourself and have zero interests.

DP. I think you need to get out and meet men, obviously, but not be desperate for marriage. I enjoy men as friends, and almost every long-term relationship I’ve had started that way. Just someone I enjoyed hanging out with, and then it evolved into more. Men are like cats — if you chase them, they run away. You have to let them come to you.

What if they don't come to you> That's what you and the other poster don't understand not every woman has men chasing her down. You will now say she's doing something wrong, must not be friendly or smile enough, must be overweight, must not do her makeup, clothes or hair the right way.

This is me. Men have never, ever approached me. I am conventionally attractive, smart, funny, educated, interesting, compassionate and a great conversationalist. Have many flaws but they are not discerbale from a distance. But I am never approached.

Every person has major flaws. Every person has insecurities. I would rather date someone who is open about their issues than a phony.

[Anonymous]

I gave up at 36. I kind of always knew I would be single forever-- I barely dated in high school or college (being an ethnic minority at overwhelmingly white schools didn't help). I always planned on trying to have kids by myself if I was 35 and still single, but didn't have a great job at 35, so postponed that plan. Dated another loser briefly just before I turned 36, and he stopped even trying to have sex with me after a month, and then got me exactly nothing for my birthday, but wouldn't break up with me. It really did a number on my self esteem. I decided that I would prefer being alone to settling for crumbs of affection from guys who just weren't that into me. In my entire life, I've never dated anyone for more than a couple of months, and it always felt like I had to tolerate a lot of BS behavior without getting much in return.

Now I'm a single mom by choice in my 40s, and I'm pretty happy. There aren't a lot of great guys out there at this age, and I don't really want to put in the huge effort to try to find one against the odds.

[Anonymous]

I know 2 ugly women who have been happily married for 25-30 years.
One is always 30lbs overweight and does not have a pretty face. But she is an awesome person—funny, smart, positive. And her husband is super cute.
The other is probably at least 100lbs overweight, but has amazing confidence. And also a great person.

I don’t think it’s looks as much as your attitude about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know 2 ugly women who have been happily married for 25-30 years.
One is always 30lbs overweight and does not have a pretty face. But she is an awesome person—funny, smart, positive. And her husband is super cute.
The other is probably at least 100lbs overweight, but has amazing confidence. And also a great person.

I don’t think it’s looks as much as your attitude about it.

[Anonymous]

I can't pinpoint a time when I gave up, but I went from never having dated or kissed anyone at all in high school and college to making up for lost time by having really low standards in my 20s. I assumed I would meet the right person eventually so never stressed about being single. A big factor was that I never wanted to have kids, so no biological clock. Now I'm 40, realize I never did meet anyone worth legally binding myself to, and can't imagine changing my life to conform to someone else's needs. The biggest problem is other people who are convinced I'm secretly miserable and pining away deep inside, and who helpfully offer unsolicited advice about how I need to put myself out there more.