Ladies: When did you give up on finding a husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you aren’t looking is when you’ll meet someone.

I was just out of a long relationship, determined to just have fun being single and that’s when I met my husband.

I feel like women on the hunt have a desperation men can read/feel. You usually aren’t at your best because you have an agenda instead of just relaxing and being yourself.

I always knew I’d be okay by myself. I had a good career and did things for me when I wasn’t actively in a relationship.

I feel like people speak out of both sides of their mouths on the issues you get told you have to actively look and make it your job and then you get told sit back and do nothing.

There's also this false assumption that wants to be married means you don't think you will be okay by yourself and have zero interests.

DP. I think you need to get out and meet men, obviously, but not be desperate for marriage. I enjoy men as friends, and almost every long-term relationship I’ve had started that way. Just someone I enjoyed hanging out with, and then it evolved into more. Men are like cats — if you chase them, they run away. You have to let them come to you.

I agree with the bolder, but personally would never recommend the friends first thing. I can get super confusing had the most devastating relationship in my dating history this way. I was a slow starter into the dating world too (abusive childhood), and the game playing thing just didn’t work well for me. I would be honest about what you are looking for and try to enjoy the dates as people/men in the beginning rather than your future husband, but wouldn’t think of them as “friends.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you aren’t looking is when you’ll meet someone.

I was just out of a long relationship, determined to just have fun being single and that’s when I met my husband.

I feel like women on the hunt have a desperation men can read/feel. You usually aren’t at your best because you have an agenda instead of just relaxing and being yourself.

I always knew I’d be okay by myself. I had a good career and did things for me when I wasn’t actively in a relationship.

I feel like people speak out of both sides of their mouths on the issues you get told you have to actively look and make it your job and then you get told sit back and do nothing.

There's also this false assumption that wants to be married means you don't think you will be okay by yourself and have zero interests.

DP. I think you need to get out and meet men, obviously, but not be desperate for marriage. I enjoy men as friends, and almost every long-term relationship I’ve had started that way. Just someone I enjoyed hanging out with, and then it evolved into more. Men are like cats — if you chase them, they run away. You have to let them come to you.

I agree with the bolder, but personally would never recommend the friends first thing. I can get super confusing had the most devastating relationship in my dating history this way. I was a slow starter into the dating world too (abusive childhood), and the game playing thing just didn’t work well for me. I would be honest about what you are looking for and try to enjoy the dates as people/men in the beginning rather than your future husband, but wouldn’t think of them as “friends.”

Who says OP is chasing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you aren’t looking is when you’ll meet someone.

I was just out of a long relationship, determined to just have fun being single and that’s when I met my husband.

I feel like women on the hunt have a desperation men can read/feel. You usually aren’t at your best because you have an agenda instead of just relaxing and being yourself.

I always knew I’d be okay by myself. I had a good career and did things for me when I wasn’t actively in a relationship.

I feel like people speak out of both sides of their mouths on the issues you get told you have to actively look and make it your job and then you get told sit back and do nothing.

There's also this false assumption that wants to be married means you don't think you will be okay by yourself and have zero interests.

DP. I think you need to get out and meet men, obviously, but not be desperate for marriage. I enjoy men as friends, and almost every long-term relationship I’ve had started that way. Just someone I enjoyed hanging out with, and then it evolved into more. Men are like cats — if you chase them, they run away. You have to let them come to you.

What if they don't come to you> That's what you and the other poster don't understand not every woman has men chasing her down. You will now say she's doing something wrong, must not be friendly or smile enough, must be overweight, must not do her makeup, clothes or hair the right way.

[Anonymous]

I've opted to never give up and have always dated. I'm 38 and have observed some of my girlfriends giving up around 35, sometimes sooner. Two of my major life goals can't be accomplished without a quality life partner, so it never made sense for me to give up.

I'm still unmarried but met someone special six months ago at 37. I knew he would be significant prior to our first date, but continued to date other people for a few more weeks. Once I knew we were on the same page, I focused solely on him. We're talking marriage and kids in the near future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can never understand these posts. DCUM women claim to be attractive to a brigade of men who never stop hitting on them. Combine that with the fact that unless you are Tom Brady or George Clooney, the average man gets rejected countless times during his dating career. So how in the world can a woman give up on finding a husband? They're a dime a dozen.

I had a child on my own at 40. I really wanted to do it the “proper way”, but I realized at my age I was running out of time and if I didn’t try to have a child, it was a real possibility that I’d wind up both without a husband and a child. I didn’t love the choice, but it had to be made.

I also had looked around at my parents’ marriage and those of people around me and I realized that this the right person is better than no one, but no one was way better than just anyone/the wrong one. I had been dating someone a few years before who clearly wanted marriage and kids, and had I prioritized finding a dime in that dozen, I could have married him. Lawyer and all, nice enough. But I just wasn’t feeling it, and even though I still regret not being married, I have never for one day regretted not marrying him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Somewhere in my 20's. I'm 44 now. I've been on exactly one date, when I was 14 (I didn't put out, he never called me again).

I kind of can't imagine being married now. My life is SO very me-focused.

Though I have been on more than one date ( not much more 5 dates with 3 guys) I feel this is my future.

Real question (and not trying to be mean/snarky): why so few dates?

I actually didn't date or kiss anyone until I was a senior in college so I empathize with late bloomers and the overlooked!

I’m the 44 yr old, and I’m ugly.

To somebody out there, you are a beautiful person.

I’m not the PP but I’m also not attractive. And I really don’t find this comment helpful. Sure someone somewhere might find me attractive, but the reality is most people don’t and that makes dating hard. I’ve made peace with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Somewhere in my 20's. I'm 44 now. I've been on exactly one date, when I was 14 (I didn't put out, he never called me again).

I kind of can't imagine being married now. My life is SO very me-focused.

Though I have been on more than one date ( not much more 5 dates with 3 guys) I feel this is my future.

Real question (and not trying to be mean/snarky): why so few dates?

I actually didn't date or kiss anyone until I was a senior in college so I empathize with late bloomers and the overlooked!

I’m the 44 yr old, and I’m ugly.

To somebody out there, you are a beautiful person.

No, PP is probably right. There are a lot of ugly people out there. But ugly people can still make good partners for other ugly people.

If OP has really been trying, then she is probably not as attractive in looks or in personality as she thinks. She is going to have to lower her standards, first on looks because character is more important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Somewhere in my 20's. I'm 44 now. I've been on exactly one date, when I was 14 (I didn't put out, he never called me again).

I kind of can't imagine being married now. My life is SO very me-focused.

Though I have been on more than one date ( not much more 5 dates with 3 guys) I feel this is my future.

Real question (and not trying to be mean/snarky): why so few dates?

I actually didn't date or kiss anyone until I was a senior in college so I empathize with late bloomers and the overlooked!

I’m the 44 yr old, and I’m ugly.

To somebody out there, you are a beautiful person.

No, PP is probably right. There are a lot of ugly people out there. But ugly people can still make good partners for other ugly people.

If OP has really been trying, then she is probably not as attractive in looks or in personality as she thinks. She is going to have to lower her standards, first on looks because character is more important.

OP has said she sees men checking her out so I don't think looks are her problem. OP also hasn't said exactly what he type is only that she's not picky with looks, so it seems your assumptions about OP are way off base.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Somewhere in my 20's. I'm 44 now. I've been on exactly one date, when I was 14 (I didn't put out, he never called me again).

I kind of can't imagine being married now. My life is SO very me-focused.

Though I have been on more than one date ( not much more 5 dates with 3 guys) I feel this is my future.

Real question (and not trying to be mean/snarky): why so few dates?

I actually didn't date or kiss anyone until I was a senior in college so I empathize with late bloomers and the overlooked!

I’m the 44 yr old, and I’m ugly.

To somebody out there, you are a beautiful person.

I’m not the PP but I’m also not attractive. And I really don’t find this comment helpful. Sure someone somewhere might find me attractive, but the reality is most people don’t and that makes dating hard. I’ve made peace with it.

Not trying to convince you that you aren't ugly if that's what you want to believe about yourself. But if you really take a look around you most people are not supermodels, so I say it might not be your looks that's keeping you from dating, perhaps it's your self-esteem you are so convinced that nobody could possibly want you, that you don't notice the guys who have noticed you and who are interested.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Somewhere in my 20's. I'm 44 now. I've been on exactly one date, when I was 14 (I didn't put out, he never called me again).

I kind of can't imagine being married now. My life is SO very me-focused.

Though I have been on more than one date ( not much more 5 dates with 3 guys) I feel this is my future.

Real question (and not trying to be mean/snarky): why so few dates? I actually didn't date or kiss anyone until I was a senior in college so I empathize with late bloomers and the overlooked!

I’m the 44 yr old, and I’m ugly.

To somebody out there, you are a beautiful person.

Lol, yeah, my mother. Literally, even homeless people have told me I'm ugly or fat or something. And you'd think they couldn't afford to be that picky (not that I was trying to pick up homeless men)!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have two friends who are single moms by choice and both had their babies at 40, so I would assume that's around when they gave up.

This is me. At 40 I went to see a fertility doctor about becoming a single mom by choice, very preliminary, thinking I had a few years to figure things out. Instead I was old by fertility doctor standards and started a multi-year journey to become a mother, during which dating fell by the wayside. Now I'm a busy single mother with barely any time for myself let alone dating. Maybe by the teenage years I'll be ready to start dating again, but I dated a lot and had a couple long-term relationships so I feel like I've been there, done that. There's that famous quote by a tv character "I've been dating since I was 16; where is he?!" That sums it up for me.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Somewhere in my 20's. I'm 44 now. I've been on exactly one date, when I was 14 (I didn't put out, he never called me again).

I kind of can't imagine being married now. My life is SO very me-focused.

Though I have been on more than one date ( not much more 5 dates with 3 guys) I feel this is my future.

Real question (and not trying to be mean/snarky): why so few dates? I actually didn't date or kiss anyone until I was a senior in college so I empathize with late bloomers and the overlooked!

I’m the 44 yr old, and I’m ugly.

To somebody out there, you are a beautiful person.

Lol, yeah, my mother. Literally, even homeless people have told me I'm ugly or fat or something. And you'd think they couldn't afford to be that picky (not that I was trying to pick up homeless men)!

You do realize a large number of homeless people are severely mentally ill or heavily n drugs their perception shouldn't be taken as gospel.

[Anonymous]

I guess at 39 when I started trying to get pregnant as a single mom by choice?

I spent the entire year before "dating like it was my job" going on 3-4 dates a week and just never met someone who seemed worth delaying (or giving up on) having a biological child for. I realized I had the rest of my life to meet someone, but a very limited time to become a parent. Became a mom at 41.

But I actually don't feel like I've given up. I still really want to get married. The pandemic and parenting a young child has made dating feel really hard. But I still hope to marry at some point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have two friends who are single moms by choice and both had their babies at 40, so I would assume that's around when they gave up.

This is me. At 40 I went to see a fertility doctor about becoming a single mom by choice, very preliminary, thinking I had a few years to figure things out. Instead I was old by fertility doctor standards and started a multi-year journey to become a mother, during which dating fell by the wayside. Now I'm a busy single mother with barely any time for myself let alone dating. Maybe by the teenage years I'll be ready to start dating again, but I dated a lot and had a couple long-term relationships so I feel like I've been there, done that. There's that famous quote by a tv character "I've been dating since I was 16; where is he?!" That sums it up for me.

+1

SATC! Charlotte!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you aren’t looking is when you’ll meet someone.

I was just out of a long relationship, determined to just have fun being single and that’s when I met my husband.

I feel like women on the hunt have a desperation men can read/feel. You usually aren’t at your best because you have an agenda instead of just relaxing and being yourself.

I always knew I’d be okay by myself. I had a good career and did things for me when I wasn’t actively in a relationship.

I feel like people speak out of both sides of their mouths on the issues you get told you have to actively look and make it your job and then you get told sit back and do nothing.

There's also this false assumption that wants to be married means you don't think you will be okay by yourself and have zero interests.

DP. I think you need to get out and meet men, obviously, but not be desperate for marriage. I enjoy men as friends, and almost every long-term relationship I’ve had started that way. Just someone I enjoyed hanging out with, and then it evolved into more. Men are like cats — if you chase them, they run away. You have to let them come to you.

What if they don't come to you> That's what you and the other poster don't understand not every woman has men chasing her down. You will now say she's doing something wrong, must not be friendly or smile enough, must be overweight, must not do her makeup, clothes or hair the right way.

This is me. Men have never, ever approached me. I am conventionally attractive, smart, funny, educated, interesting, compassionate and a great conversationalist. Have many flaws but they are not discerbale from a distance. But I am never approached.