Sister with secondary infertility want my eggs, but I don't want to donate them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would donate my eggs in a heartbeat to my sister. I guess I am surprised by the answers here but then again I guess I am not. There are a lot of narcissists here.

Very easy for you to type that on an anonymous message board. Much different when it's your actual life.

I am 43 and using donor eggs. I have a younger sister and I would never ask her for her eggs. In fact she even brought it up once and I simply said that wasn't a route I was going to explore. The emotional ramifications are enormous.

Also, I have to agree that since she has 2 healthy children, OP's sister should sit down.

I made an organ donation to a stranger. I definitely would donate my eggs to my sister. It is a much easier process than what I've already done.

Again, I think there are a lot of narcissists here. I feel sad for you all.

You don’t understand narcissism. A narcissist would say yes, expect to be the star of the show, make everything about herself, and spend the rest of her life reminding her sister and everyone else what a huge favor she did, how hard it was, how she never asked for anything in return. OP is the opposite of a narcissist. She wants to avoid drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the key here is that OP's sister already has two healthy children and is not at risk of any life threatening injury/disease that requires the donation. Her sister is fine. What she is asking for is a luxury. If OP is uncomfortable, that's her right.

What?! No, that is not the key! OP would be perfectly justified in declining even if her sister had no children. OP’s reasons are valid and it’s her body and her choice.

[Anonymous]

She already has two children; I would only consider it if she had none.

[Anonymous]

your sister is probably upset that you had #3 while she has been struggling to achieve that goal. i think that must be factoring into her anger.

you made the right decision; i, too, think that donating eggs and then, possibly, seeing that child grow up as your sister's could be very disruptive for your life and family. your sister will eventually get over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You made the right call. Sorry you have to deal with this.

This. If she has friends who have offered she can take them up on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was actually in this situation. I was the sister begging for a donation. At first she said yes then at the meeting with the doctor she was so weird saying it would be her “firstborn” — after 3 abortions and really disliking children. Of course the doctor said no way. And of course I was very very sad and upset. We look like twins so the resulting child/ children would naturally have looked like both of us.
That was many years ago. Our lives have taken very different paths although we got over this. I went in to anonymous donation and had two children. Very very lucky with these two: love of my life.
In retrospect this was by far the best decision. I would have been bound to her for life and she can be very entitled. I feel I dodged a bullet.

You seem a bit entitled yourself though. It's a BIG ASK. And I don't really think you can even wrap your head around what it means until you have had children and it sounded like that same thought was coming to her.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would donate my eggs in a heartbeat to my sister. I guess I am surprised by the answers here but then again I guess I am not. There are a lot of narcissists here.

You're a trip. Narcissists never recognize themselves pp. Take a look in a mirror.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the responses and confirmation of my initial reaction. No good could come of donation for any involved. I know my decision is the right one.

You are 38 and nursing. Most IVF doctors say cannot donate while breastfeeding (and need # of cycles prior to participate). If you nurse for a year, you will be 39. Isn't that the age where most IVF doctors start telling patients to consider egg donors?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would donate my eggs in a heartbeat to my sister. I guess I am surprised by the answers here but then again I guess I am not. There are a lot of narcissists here.

Very easy for you to type that on an anonymous message board. Much different when it's your actual life.

I am 43 and using donor eggs. I have a younger sister and I would never ask her for her eggs. In fact she even brought it up once and I simply said that wasn't a route I was going to explore. The emotional ramifications are enormous.

Also, I have to agree that since she has 2 healthy children, OP's sister should sit down.

I made an organ donation to a stranger. I definitely would donate my eggs to my sister. It is a much easier process than what I've already done.

Again, I think there are a lot of narcissists here. I feel sad for you all.

You don’t understand narcissism. A narcissist would say yes, expect to be the star of the show, make everything about herself, and spend the rest of her life reminding her sister and everyone else what a huge favor she did, how hard it was, how she never asked for anything in return. OP is the opposite of a narcissist. She wants to avoid drama.

No, you're wrong. DP. Look at how OP responds to her sister and is stirring things up. She is a total Drama Queen and lapping up all of this. She seems to be enjoying holding the power against her sister and my read is that she is being completely retaliatory. Not a good look by OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would donate my eggs in a heartbeat to my sister. I guess I am surprised by the answers here but then again I guess I am not. There are a lot of narcissists here.

Very easy for you to type that on an anonymous message board. Much different when it's your actual life.

I am 43 and using donor eggs. I have a younger sister and I would never ask her for her eggs. In fact she even brought it up once and I simply said that wasn't a route I was going to explore. The emotional ramifications are enormous.

Also, I have to agree that since she has 2 healthy children, OP's sister should sit down.

I made an organ donation to a stranger. I definitely would donate my eggs to my sister. It is a much easier process than what I've already done.

Again, I think there are a lot of narcissists here. I feel sad for you all.

Really? You have a profound emotional attachment to your kidney (or whatever), and will see it at every family get-together?

I feel like you donated brain cells, because you appear to be running low.

[Anonymous]

I donated to my best friend. You are completely right to say no

1. A good doctor wouldn't let you do it anyways because you're breastfeeding a 5 month old

2. While I found it easy to not think of her as my kid, my friend had a much harder time. My DS was a super easy and laid back baby. Their baby had colic and reflux, which my friend knew I had as a baby. There was some "it was my bad genes" thoughts from her. At the time, DS was older and we were the only ones in our group of friends with an older kid. Her husband asked us a lot of advice. During some of her PPD, there were accusations that he would rather have the baby with me. We rolled with those because obviously it was her PPD. But the first couple of years our friendship was definitely strained.

[Anonymous]

OP this is hard and I am sorry.

If your sister says she has friends who would totally do this for her, that sounds like a great solution.

I'd probably say "I'm sorry that I'm not in a place where I can do this in terms of age and biology (breastfeeding). I am so glad your wonderful friends are willing to donate and I'm sure while it's hard sometimes to see they would agree that would be a better fit given my age and other factors. I'm really looking forward to continuing our good relationship and supporting you on your journey."

Totally deflect and distract. And then probably cool off but no point in confronting about it. The whole thing can't be rational and hopefully she'll figure out a way to either find a suitable egg donor or accept the situation with two kids. And if she can't there really isn't much you can say or do to make her get there except perhaps listening patiently. Certainly donating eggs, would not make that happen and I agree with every other poster would be a terrible idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I donated to my best friend. You are completely right to say no

1. A good doctor wouldn't let you do it anyways because you're breastfeeding a 5 month old

2. While I found it easy to not think of her as my kid, my friend had a much harder time. My DS was a super easy and laid back baby. Their baby had colic and reflux, which my friend knew I had as a baby. There was some "it was my bad genes" thoughts from her. At the time, DS was older and we were the only ones in our group of friends with an older kid. Her husband asked us a lot of advice. During some of her PPD, there were accusations that he would rather have the baby with me. We rolled with those because obviously it was her PPD. But the first couple of years our friendship was definitely strained.

Oof. Those are pretty bad accusations. Thankfully you're a good person and moved on.

[Anonymous]

To reiterate everyone else (objective) --

No, no, NO.

I also agree there may be a competitive piece here of wanting a 3rd like you.

Her response is affirmation of your decision. Go in peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would donate my eggs in a heartbeat to my sister. I guess I am surprised by the answers here but then again I guess I am not. There are a lot of narcissists here.

Very easy for you to type that on an anonymous message board. Much different when it's your actual life.

I am 43 and using donor eggs. I have a younger sister and I would never ask her for her eggs. In fact she even brought it up once and I simply said that wasn't a route I was going to explore. The emotional ramifications are enormous.

Also, I have to agree that since she has 2 healthy children, OP's sister should sit down.

I made an organ donation to a stranger. I definitely would donate my eggs to my sister. It is a much easier process than what I've already done.

Again, I think there are a lot of narcissists here. I feel sad for you all.

You don’t understand narcissism. A narcissist would say yes, expect to be the star of the show, make everything about herself, and spend the rest of her life reminding her sister and everyone else what a huge favor she did, how hard it was, how she never asked for anything in return. OP is the opposite of a narcissist. She wants to avoid drama.

No, you're wrong. DP. Look at how OP responds to her sister and is stirring things up. She is a total Drama Queen and lapping up all of this. She seems to be enjoying holding the power against her sister and my read is that she is being completely retaliatory. Not a good look by OP.

Hi, OP’s sister!