Sister with secondary infertility want my eggs, but I don't want to donate them

[Anonymous]

No way would I do this for a sister who already has two kids.

[Anonymous]

“Your reaction proves what I was worried about in terms of the complex emotions we’d both have. In many ways I would feel that your child is my own. I’m not sure you’d be ready to accept that reality”

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry, OP. I think that you made the right call. I've never donated eggs but I did donate an organ to a sibling diagnosed with an awful, life threatening disease. He would've died without it. The process was emotionally draining, painful and quite grueling. But I did it because his life was on the line and we are very close.

That said, I would never have donated eggs to a sibling that I was not close with in a situation such as yours. Particularly at your age (and so close to having kids) and since it is not life threatening. She's fine. She has 2 kids. It may be upsetting but she should count her lucky stars.

As someone who's been through a donation, let me tell uno that you have to be in a safe, loving space for it to work. If you're not there and she's healthy, don't worry about it.

Hopefully, she'll appreciate that later on down the road.

[Anonymous]

Nothing to feel guilty about. You don’t even need to justify it to her - be firm in your reasons but keep them to yourself.

[Anonymous]

WOW. Your sister is WAY out of line and I'm so sorry you have had to deal with her insane - yes, insane - vitriol, OP. The original ask, fine, but the reaction is not justifiable in any way at all.

I speak as someone who has suffered from infertility (and not secondary infertility either) for years and done six rounds of IVF. Egg retrieval is definitely a significant undertaking, all the required hormones certainly impact your health, it usually requires general anesthesia for the actual retrieval which carries its own risks - and, yes, this is not even getting at all into the emotional ramifications for you which are very, very important and NO ONE has the right to tell you what you feel is 'wrong' or 'selfish' in that respect. You are neither. Your sister, on the other hand, needs to get over herself. If she has so many friends eager to donate, she should take THEM up on it. (I mean, we all know she's lying, but that's her problem.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nothing to feel guilty about. You don’t even need to justify it to her - be firm in your reasons but keep them to yourself.

This. She is probably just grieving and disappointed. Doesn't excuse her behavior but it does explain it. Say no, I'm honored you would ask but I am not donating eggs to anyone. Then don't discuss it.

[Anonymous]

You absolutely did the right thing OP. And there is no need for 200 words/ways to justify it.

"I'm not able to do that."
"I'm not comfortable doing that."
"I can't/won't/don't want to put my body through that."
"I'm sorry, but I won't. It isn't comfortable for us."

And leave it at a firm no without any more discussion. That said, I would have a very hard time not adding the sentence from a pp re how her reaction was proving one of the reasons I would say no. Also, you're still postpartum so couldn't take on all the various drug protocols now, you're well above ideal donor age, you have 3 young kids and aren't comfortable putting your body through the ordeal, etc... But none of those are necessary and they would only serve to fuel her further. But still - you are entirely right to say no! Do not feel guilty!!

[Anonymous]

Look, I suffered from heartbreaking infertility and multiple losses and even I think she is WAY out of line. Even if she had zero children she still wouldn't be entitled to your eggs. I don't blame her for asking - ONCE. But your no should have been immediately respected.

"Your friends have offered to donate? Great! Can't wait to meet your new little one."

[Anonymous]

You absolutely made the right call. No question.

[Anonymous]

Your baby is 5 months old!

I have a baby and older children right now. I can’t imagine having the physical and emotional capacity to donate eggs—even if I wanted to!

Your sister is nuts. Good for you for saying no.

[Anonymous]

She should be happy with 2 kids. It's not like she's asking you to donate a kidney.

[Anonymous]

You are absolutely right to say no. At least in MD, you would both need to go for mandatory counseling as part of the process of being a donor of genetic material/using donated genetic materials. Someone who shared the concerns you have would be strongly encouraged not to donate. You are very correct about the complexities-donation is not something you should do because you feel bad or someone pressured you. Your sister can have her feelings and that is okay, but you did the right thing for both of you.

[Anonymous]

Right choice.
Would a Dr. even accept eggs from a 38 year old?

[Anonymous]

Agree with your choice.
My understanding with organ donors is that doctors will substantiate that you’re not a match if you don’t want to be - taking the “choice” away from the healthy family member and basically making it a medical reason why healthy family member can’t donate. I wonder if it would work the same way for this scenario. You could “relent”, but testing yields that you can’t go forward with the process, so she in theory stops guilt tripping you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Right choice.
Would a Dr. even accept eggs from a 38 year old?

And can you imagine going through all those doctors appointments and hormone shots while caring fir a baby??!! That sounds insane.