Sister with secondary infertility want my eggs, but I don't want to donate them

[Anonymous]

My sister is 42 and I am 38. She is married with two healthy, beautiful children, and I am married with three healthy, beautiful children. My youngest child is five months old and I just returned to work from maternity leave. My sister and I have never been very close. We grew up in a house with a lot of dysfunction and she did some particularly unkind things to me during our teens and 20s. We've matured and moved on and our relationship is now better than it was when we were younger.

She wants a third child and has been trying to concieve for about 4 years. She recently asked me if I would donate my eggs to her. I do not want to for many reasons, including that I am still nursing and raising three young children, I am not an ideal age to donate, we live about five hours away from each other, and most importantly, I think it would affect our family dynamic in harmful and unhealthy ways. I think donation would be incredibly complicated for me emotionally and that I would think of the child as mine, rather than as my niece or nephew. Assuming that the donation was even successful, I would be essentially be having a child with my brother-in-law. I told her my feelings and she said some harsh and hurtful things to me along the lines of you're selfish, I would do it for you, I have many friends that have offered to donate and can't believe my own sister won't. Given our history and dynamic, none of these statements really surprised me. I tried to be calm and rational with her during this conversation, but she just kept laying on the guilt. Some of her comments are still haunting me. I know she is hurting and her comments come from that place of hurt, but I am not swayed by them. Her reaction just validated my belief that donating eggs would be a big, heartbreaking mess for me and my family.

She has always has a sort of "entitled" mentality, like everyone owes her something. This just seems like more of that. Am I crazy for viewing it this way? Please, give me a reality check.

[Anonymous]

You made the right call. Sorry you have to deal with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister is 42 and I am 38. She is married with two healthy, beautiful children, and I am married with three healthy, beautiful children. My youngest child is five months old and I just returned to work from maternity leave. My sister and I have never been very close. We grew up in a house with a lot of dysfunction and she did some particularly unkind things to me during our teens and 20s. We've matured and moved on and our relationship is now better than it was when we were younger.

She wants a third child and has been trying to concieve for about 4 years. She recently asked me if I would donate my eggs to her. I do not want to for many reasons, including that I am still nursing and raising three young children, I am not an ideal age to donate, we live about five hours away from each other, and most importantly, I think it would affect our family dynamic in harmful and unhealthy ways. I think donation would be incredibly complicated for me emotionally and that I would think of the child as mine, rather than as my niece or nephew. Assuming that the donation was even successful, I would be essentially be having a child with my brother-in-law. I told her my feelings and she said some harsh and hurtful things to me along the lines of you're selfish, I would do it for you, I have many friends that have offered to donate and can't believe my own sister won't. Given our history and dynamic, none of these statements really surprised me. I tried to be calm and rational with her during this conversation, but she just kept laying on the guilt. Some of her comments are still haunting me. I know she is hurting and her comments come from that place of hurt, but I am not swayed by them. Her reaction just validated my belief that donating eggs would be a big, heartbreaking mess for me and my family.

She has always has a sort of "entitled" mentality, like everyone owes her something. This just seems like more of that. Am I crazy for viewing it this way? Please, give me a reality check.

You don't owe her this. Just say no.

[Anonymous]

your body, your eggs. End of story. Don't read too much into her words or actions, and don't let things that happened 20 years ago affect your future.

[Anonymous]

OP, you made the right choice. Her hurtful and vindictive response only confirms that all of your reservations about donating your eggs are well-founded.

[Anonymous]

You don't owe *anyone* your eggs. Or even an explanation, frankly. Especially when she already has two children, which she should be focused on rather than chasing a third.

Stand firm. Just say no, I'm not comfortable with that, stop asking. Repeat as needed.

[Anonymous]

You absolutely made the right choice in refusing to donate. At 38, odds are slim you would get many good eggs and she wouldn’t get pregnant, so then she would be mad at you for that. She is being incredibly selfish.

You are doing your best to give her grace and understanding that her statements come from a place of sadness and hearts ache, not actual hatred for you. Do not change your mind and hopefully she will get over it eventually. I would fall back on the reasons of you being too old and have a nursing baby, rather than the damage it could cause to the relationship.

[Anonymous]

No way, not in a million years. I am all for reproductive technology, but donating to family-or even friends--never. And just to add, not that it's your place to say this: she has two healthy children. She has done her job populating the planet.

[Anonymous]

You are not crazy. I wouldn’t be able to donate eggs to a sibling with whom I was close, not to mention in this scenario. Don’t let anyone bully you into this.

[Anonymous]

You made the right call OP. Her response proved everything you were worried about. Has she even talked to her doctor? I would think they would recommend a younger donor.

[Anonymous]

Personally, I would be able to move beyond her immaturity, since I believe that yes, relatives SHOULD do these things for close family, but I would have serious reservations about the impact of egg-retrieval on my comfort (apparently it's painful), on my nursing ability (no idea about that) and, as you pointed out, on the age of the eggs. 38 is not ideal. I understand she wants a genetic link, though.

So for me it's not clear-cut. I would hesitate.

[Anonymous]

no Way! It is one thing if she has no children at all, but she has two already!!! NO!

[Anonymous]

Don't worry about her reaction. She will say whatever she can think of in an attempt to guilt you into giving her what she wants. Stand firm. Do NOT go over your reasons. "Cora, I said no. I'm sorry this won't be an avenue for you to expand your family."

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry. You made the right call.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You made the right call. Sorry you have to deal with this.

+1 Her reaction tells you that you were correct to say no. I would have many of the same reservations as you (particularly thinking of the baby as my own rather than a niece/nephew), but I wouldn't fault someone for asking because everyone is different. However, there's no excuse for calling someone selfish because they do not want to donate their eggs to you. That's outrageous on her part.