Marriage is miserable: why does everyone want to get married?

[Anonymous]

OP, Marriage is miserable when you're reading the Relationship Discussion forum. Just like it's impossible to get pregnant when all you do is read the TTC forum. Everyone's kids are smart when you read the AAP forum.......follow me?

[Anonymous]

Oh, I'm sad to hear you say that. I love being married! That said, if DH died early, I would likely not remarry. I think I just really like him.

[Anonymous]

Because I wanted kids, and wanted a partner to do so? We broke up as soon as our youngest went to college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know OP. I find marriage much much harder than parenthood.

Me too, but I have awesome kids and a lazy, self absorbed husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People want to get marriage because a good marriage is an amazing thing. Personally I think choosing a spouse is the single most important decision a person ever makes. And its not like I'm the only person saying its important, but it is REALLY REALLY important to not pick someone crappy.

And unfortunately a lot of people make the decision in their late 20s and early 30s with the pressure of childbearing at their backs like they're playing a game of musical chairs. Or they make it when they are young and haven't really grown into who they will be yet. And so the decisions aren't as informed/careful as they should be (although some work out, yay!).

I think at the end of the day the ranking of happiness or whatever is like

1) Very happy married people
2) Good but nothing special marriage people, happy but not like, deeply in love
3) Very happy single people who have built a good community
4) Decently happy single people who are somewhat lonely sometimes but who have built a good life
5) Married couples who don't get fulfilment from one another but who have built a good life together. They could take or leave the other person but have good lives they have no interest in blowing up
6) Somewhat dissatisfied single people who regret how they got to where they are but who are still like, fine. They have regrets and wish their life was different but they have friends/support
7) Unhappily married people who actively dislike their spouse and feel lost
8) Unhappy single people who are actively angry all the time that they are alone
9) People in really bad marriages with abuse/neglect

I think when you are single, your happiness is a choice based on how much community you can cultivate. But as you age, particularly when you are elderly, the lack of a partner becomes more of an issue.

But the partner/spouse is a double edged sword. It can bring your life to high highs and it can bring it to low lows. People get married because who doesn't want high highs? They don't think too much about how low a low can be.

I'm in #5

[Anonymous]

You don’t know til it’s too late.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women my age (mid40s) often say “marriage is so hard”. I don’t know if they al mean it or they just don’t want their friend in a crappy marriage to feel bad.

I think if marriage is that hard you are married to the wrong person. I think marriage is pretty easy 10 years and 2 small kids into it.

Or your expectations are simple. My mother in law thinks her 62 year marriage is wonderful. She is completely taken care of -- financially of course, around the house and even driven everywhere. She was not at all pampered as a child, so relishes being the queen. That to me would not be a good marriage. I want an intellectual equal, an equal partner in every way. She and my father in law have a totally different setup which they both think is wonderful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women my age (mid40s) often say “marriage is so hard”. I don’t know if they al mean it or they just don’t want their friend in a crappy marriage to feel bad.

I think if marriage is that hard you are married to the wrong person. I think marriage is pretty easy 10 years and 2 small kids into it.

Does your spouse fulfill your needs in all important areas? If so, you're lucky and you don't understand what it's like being married to a guy who's handsome, smart and funny but lazy and bad with money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know some people are happy forever. But I’ve been with my husband for 26 years (not all of them married but got together young) and it has really lost its luster. I have a great husband, but honestly he bores me. A lot of the time, I wish I could live alone. Not like never see him...but have my own place. Have more autonomy. I basically went from living with my parents to living with my husband. Perhaps when our kid goes to college in a few years, we will reevaluate what our lives look like. I love my husband and would be kind of lost without him but am also completely bored with him at this point.

This is an internal issue with you, more than it has anything to do with your marriage.

Please do not wait until your child goes to college to start enjoying life with your spouse. At that point, you’ll be strangers and probably divorce.
Start NOW! Adjusting your thoughts....dating your spouse....upping your sex life (get some sex dice and have fun😝). Think about how you want your marriage to be and work on it. Also, it is NOT your spouses job to make sure that YOU are not bored; maybe you bore him! What are YOU doing to change this? I say all of the above lovingly because I has to adjust my thoughts too.💕

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know some people are happy forever. But I’ve been with my husband for 26 years (not all of them married but got together young) and it has really lost its luster. I have a great husband, but honestly he bores me. A lot of the time, I wish I could live alone. Not like never see him...but have my own place. Have more autonomy. I basically went from living with my parents to living with my husband. Perhaps when our kid goes to college in a few years, we will reevaluate what our lives look like. I love my husband and would be kind of lost without him but am also completely bored with him at this point.

You are just like me, and our youngest is a college freshman. We spend a lot more time apart, now that the kids are gone and the pandemic is abating. He's a happy homebody introvert who doesn't like to talk much and I am the diametric opposite. He's happy to let me go out with friends a lot. You'll just find a different balance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My marriage is great and I have seen some really wonderful marriages among my relatives. I do think that immature people attract drama and marry poor partners. I have seen miserable marriages too.

One thing people should do is not have kids children rightawy when they get married. We had our DC after 5 yrs of marriage and it was great.

LOL if you want multiple children and marry in your 30s, you can't just wait 5 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always think that—if you thought about your best friend from HS or college or your 20s and then imagine you had to live with them for the rest of your life and make all decisions jointly...you would say “no way! That’s crazy!”
All that plus sex is a lot to put on one relationship. It’s no wonder that it fails 40% of the time, and is fairly miserable in about half of the rest.

Actually, occasionally I have a fleeting thought that marriage has all the fun of a nonstop slumber party (and a lot more benefits than that, haha) -- but I cherish the closeness and intimacy of being there for each other, year after year. We are extremely compatible and know each other well, yet he still manages to surprise me and make me think on a daily basis. I admire him deeply ... the kindest person I know, a strong work ethic, the kind of man that babies and dogs and cats are just naturally drawn to. He's just a ray of sunshine in the world basically, and I get to live with him! (Married almost 21 years.)

Happy for you! My husband hasn't surprised me in probably 15 years, very predictable. Work ethic is so so at best. I'm the thinker in the family. As I say, happy for you but you should know you are lucky.

[Anonymous]

People are way too obsessed with being married, but I like being married. I need a person, somebody to talk to, somebody to raise my kids with, someone to be there while I tackle life’s challenges.

But so many people have terrible marriages and they should call it quits. Better to have these needs met in other ways than be in a consistently bad marriage.

[Anonymous]

I saved the inevitable lawyer fees from a divorce and just knocked up my ex girlfriend. I have a great son who is 35. Mom is a bit whacko, but he still turned out OK.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, I'm sad to hear you say that. I love being married! That said, if DH died early, I would likely not remarry. I think I just really like him.

I loved being married to my husband. He died at 46. I don't think I need to get married again, but would like a partner. So, I get it.