Marriage is miserable: why does everyone want to get married?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My marriage is wonderful, 20 years in.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

CR said it best.

OMGGGG I'm DYING. Thanks for the laughs! Ok, now I really miss the CR days!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know my DH always has my back. I really can't say that about anyone else.

Mine too, more than anyone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know my DH always has my back. I really can't say that about anyone else.

Mine too, more than anyone else.

Same. He is a great partner and even in the crappiest it's still good with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem is, we need the eggs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know my DH always has my back. I really can't say that about anyone else.

Mine too, more than anyone else.

Same. He is a great partner and even in the crappiest it's still good with him.

+1
Lucky and blessed. There is nothing quite like a good marriage.

[Anonymous]

Cinderella

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's a good system for raising kids and accumulating wealth.

Not so good of a system for sexual fulfillment.

If you are married to the wrong person, the good parts of marriage aren't worth it. Most people stay for kids and money.

This is absolutely true. I wish I had chosen better but I had no idea until after we had kids. He buried himself in work, going out with clients, raising his social profile (I kid you not), and left me looking after the kids. I work too. Now I feel stuck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a good system for raising kids and accumulating wealth.

Not so good of a system for sexual fulfillment.

If you are married to the wrong person, the good parts of marriage aren't worth it. Most people stay for kids and money.

This is absolutely true. I wish I had chosen better but I had no idea until after we had kids. He buried himself in work, going out with clients, raising his social profile (I kid you not), and left me looking after the kids. I work too. Now I feel stuck.

That said, I am really happy for you guys that have good marriages...at least I know it’s possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is, we need the eggs.

Yes

[Anonymous]

Women my age (mid40s) often say “marriage is so hard”. I don’t know if they al mean it or they just don’t want their friend in a crappy marriage to feel bad.

I think if marriage is that hard you are married to the wrong person. I think marriage is pretty easy 10 years and 2 small kids into it.

[Anonymous]

My correction:
Marriage to the right person is wonderful.
Marriage to the wrong person is not.

But even when you are married to the right person, keeping a good marriage going, is a lot of work. You both need to have each other's best interest at heart and need to work hard to keep the other person's priorities in mind. Too often, I've found that marriages collapse when each person starts to put their own interest at the forefront and stop keeping the partner's priorities in mind. It often starts slowly and snowballs until it gets to the point of no return. But if you work at it and keep valuing the other person and keeping their priorities in mind, then the result is so worthwhile.

[Anonymous]

I know some people are happy forever. But I’ve been with my husband for 26 years (not all of them married but got together young) and it has really lost its luster. I have a great husband, but honestly he bores me. A lot of the time, I wish I could live alone. Not like never see him...but have my own place. Have more autonomy. I basically went from living with my parents to living with my husband. Perhaps when our kid goes to college in a few years, we will reevaluate what our lives look like. I love my husband and would be kind of lost without him but am also completely bored with him at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People want to get marriage because a good marriage is an amazing thing. Personally I think choosing a spouse is the single most important decision a person ever makes. And its not like I'm the only person saying its important, but it is REALLY REALLY important to not pick someone crappy.

And unfortunately a lot of people make the decision in their late 20s and early 30s with the pressure of childbearing at their backs like they're playing a game of musical chairs. Or they make it when they are young and haven't really grown into who they will be yet. And so the decisions aren't as informed/careful as they should be (although some work out, yay!).

I think at the end of the day the ranking of happiness or whatever is like

1) Very happy married people
2) Good but nothing special marriage people, happy but not like, deeply in love
3) Very happy single people who have built a good community
4) Decently happy single people who are somewhat lonely sometimes but who have built a good life
5) Married couples who don't get fulfilment from one another but who have built a good life together. They could take or leave the other person but have good lives they have no interest in blowing up
6) Somewhat dissatisfied single people who regret how they got to where they are but who are still like, fine. They have regrets and wish their life was different but they have friends/support
7) Unhappily married people who actively dislike their spouse and feel lost
8) Unhappy single people who are actively angry all the time that they are alone
9) People in really bad marriages with abuse/neglect

I think when you are single, your happiness is a choice based on how much community you can cultivate. But as you age, particularly when you are elderly, the lack of a partner becomes more of an issue.

But the partner/spouse is a double edged sword. It can bring your life to high highs and it can bring it to low lows. People get married because who doesn't want high highs? They don't think too much about how low a low can be.

I think this hierarchy is spot on.

I was only interested in #1, and have spent most of my life alternating between #6 and #4, both of which I consider to be light years better than #7 or #9, and even #5 unless it included a very significant improvement in financial security without the stressors of children.

Many marriages end in divorce and of those that don’t the great majority are some degree of significantly dysfunctional. When people are in them they discount the dysfunctionality, so I bear that in mind when I read defenses of marriage on this and other boards. In my work as a family law attorney handlings dissolutions I can’t even count the number of clients who told me they’d not even realized how miserable they were until they got to the other side and felt what it was like to be out of that dynamic.

I grew up witnessing a miserable marriage and over my half century have seen many more like it and many that were mediocre at best. I have seen so many women spend their lives eating excrement. I would rather endure the periods of loneliness and regret over what ifs that sometimes color my singledom than to trade the absolute independence, freedom from psychodrama and total bodily autonomy that characterizes my life.

Yes I have to cope with and manage the challenges of life primarily alone, but with emotional support from friends and family as needed. This has made me an incredibly resilient person who is increasingly confident with every passing year that I can handle anything life tosses my way. At present I’m working in geriatric management/home health care and given what I’ve seen of elderly women who become utterly lost when they are widowed - which almost all of them will be considering life expectancy data - I’m glad I’ve had to have my own back most of my life and have never let me down. I can count on me for the distance.

[Anonymous]

I love being married, just not to the man I’m married to.