Marriage is miserable: why does everyone want to get married?

[Anonymous]

bc I was young, stupid and pregnant

[Anonymous]

I don’t know OP. I find marriage much much harder than parenthood.

[Anonymous]

Marriage is not miserable all the time. However:

The good times should be greater than the bad overall.
Equal compromise on both parts is a rule.
The sexual desire will ebb and flow, it's not a guarantee.
The body and mind will change in time guaranteed.
Nobody hits below the belt, but fighting is required.
Put your partner and family first in all decisions.
Careers end, live your life for your family before career.
Children grow up and leave, your partner is for life.

[Anonymous]

It is enjoyable to have a life partner, friend, confidante, dinner + travel partner, someone to save/share resources with etc. The good outweighs the bad. Marry the right person OP.

[Anonymous]

People want to get marriage because a good marriage is an amazing thing. Personally I think choosing a spouse is the single most important decision a person ever makes. And its not like I'm the only person saying its important, but it is REALLY REALLY important to not pick someone crappy.

And unfortunately a lot of people make the decision in their late 20s and early 30s with the pressure of childbearing at their backs like they're playing a game of musical chairs. Or they make it when they are young and haven't really grown into who they will be yet. And so the decisions aren't as informed/careful as they should be (although some work out, yay!).

I think at the end of the day the ranking of happiness or whatever is like

1) Very happy married people
2) Good but nothing special marriage people, happy but not like, deeply in love
3) Very happy single people who have built a good community
4) Decently happy single people who are somewhat lonely sometimes but who have built a good life
5) Married couples who don't get fulfilment from one another but who have built a good life together. They could take or leave the other person but have good lives they have no interest in blowing up
6) Somewhat dissatisfied single people who regret how they got to where they are but who are still like, fine. They have regrets and wish their life was different but they have friends/support
7) Unhappily married people who actively dislike their spouse and feel lost
8) Unhappy single people who are actively angry all the time that they are alone
9) People in really bad marriages with abuse/neglect

I think when you are single, your happiness is a choice based on how much community you can cultivate. But as you age, particularly when you are elderly, the lack of a partner becomes more of an issue.

But the partner/spouse is a double edged sword. It can bring your life to high highs and it can bring it to low lows. People get married because who doesn't want high highs? They don't think too much about how low a low can be.

[Anonymous]

It's a good system for raising kids and accumulating wealth.

Not so good of a system for sexual fulfillment.

If you are married to the wrong person, the good parts of marriage aren't worth it. Most people stay for kids and money.

[Anonymous]

I love my family, my kids, my husband and my marriage. These are my people and I love them fiercely. I love the close bond all four of us...and the dog have! We have a lot of fun in this house and even though my boys are both teenagers now they haven’t turned into PIAs. They crack me up. I am also really looking forward to the empty nest with just my spouse in 5 years.

[Anonymous]

CR said it best.

[Anonymous]

I know my DH always has my back. I really can't say that about anyone else.

[Anonymous]

I'm not lonely, I have three kids, theyre with me 80%, friends, an awesome career and enough time to myself. I agree with you, and after having seen a man go insane with addiction that led to abuse, I will absolutely never roll the dice again on being legally bound to another person. EVER.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone obsessed with getting married?

YOUR marriage is miserable. It doesn’t have to be

[Anonymous]

I have all the qualities of marriage in my long term relationship without being married, and it is the better than being married (divorced). Commitment, fun, support, travel partner...but my house is my house (though at sometimes he will stay as long as he wants...but it’s still MY house), and we don’t have to share all the stupid logistic day to day stuff that comes with being married. If I had known this, I would never have gotten married in the first place. A lot of it is societal pressure and conforming to norms, I think.

Life is too short to stay married just to say you’re married, which I find a lot of couples do, my life is too valuable and I have way too much fun to settle for even just eventually getting “content.” Or they stay “for the kids.”

[Anonymous]

My marriage is wonderful, 20 years in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because it beats being lonely all by yourself.

Being by oneself is not the same as being lonely. I've never been married or in a really serious LTR and can't say I've ever felt lonely.
Nothing seems lonelier to me than lying in bed next to someone you don't love or who doesn't love you.
Of course, nothing seems better than being in a great marriage. But I don't think being single is at the bottom of the list.

[Anonymous]

Just a few posts down we have “single life is so frustrating!” The grass is always greener. There are hard parts of marriage, and hard parts of being single. Neither is perfect unless you’re someone who thoroughly enjoys being single and doesn’t want a family, like Bill Maher, or once upon a time, George Clooney.