Reply to Woman says accepting her husband's desire to divorce 'with diginity' leads to domestic violence

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Affairs are an extreme form of emotional abuse. If emotional violence were a thing, affairs would fit that category.

I was also blindsided by (now) ex husband's affair, and we also had 2 young kids.

She is right, that it makes everyone else more comfortable if the abused spouse just shuts up and recites some socially acceptable BS line that makes everyone else feel better.

She didn't damage the kids by telling them their dad left. HE left. His leaving the way he did hurt the kids. He caused the damage. Acknowledging it doesn't damage anyone. How dysfunctional of anyone to expect her to lie to her kids and be complicit in protecting someone who did this to her?  [/quote]

Also, not speaking about something with a child does not mean that the story/secret/burden is not being conveyed in other non-verbal ways. We have a sense and intuition within us that exceeds the knowledge given by words. Keeping something secret from children doesn’t mean they don’t “know” on an intuitive level that there is something... something they can’t put their fingers on and that they certainly have not been given language around, but that causes a sense of unease and tension. This often looks like anxiety or depression.

Generational issues, trauma, anxiety etc... are often passed on this way. In the form of secrets that silently carry on from parent to children. [/quote]

The above is very true. I actually kept the secret about why we divorced from everyone but people who I knew would also not tell (my parents and siblings and two friends). After a hidden affair came out and several years of him gaslighting me about what was really going on (a near constant stream of affairs with coworkers and prostitutes), I kicked me ex out but followed the advice to play nice and co-parent for the sake of the kids. I was so kind and supportive of the kids and his relationship, some people actually did not realize we were not married.

It was absolutely the wrong decision. 15 years later I can see that he continued to be self-centered and neglectful of the kids needs and trust, and because they thought he was “nice” and we were “friends” that the problem was them - that they were not loveable enough. If they had known more of the story, they might have seen that they were just part of a long line of people my exDH had poor relationships with and they would have known the problem was him and not them.

Pretending that everything is OK when it’s not is confusing and just taught my kids to accept abuse from other people in their lives. 
[/quote]

I agree with you that it's better to be honest, but I admire that you tried to take the noble approach and sacrifice your feelings for the benefit of your children's relationship with their dad.  It didnt work out, which makes the pill even more bitter to swallow.  Hugs.[/quote]

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