Fiance wants to elope, I want a wedding

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're going to get everyone telling you to elope, because a) they almost always side with the woman on these posts, B) most people here have dysfunctional families and dysfunctional themselves


To it's a pretty bad sign of her lack of respect for you that she wants you to disregard something that's deeply important to you, having your parents attend your wedding. That's not an unreasonable thing. She's asking you to drop your value s for her.

It's also a bad sign that she knowingly wants you to do something that will make you unhappy and drive a wedge between you and her family. It's also a bad sign because her family is dysfunctional she doesn't want you to be connected to your family anymore.

Her behavior and her ask is abusive, and it will not get better, but worse over time, and it will eventually involve your kids if you have them. You don't want to be married to this toxic person.

But since you want to get married, compromise. The compromise is a small wedding with your parents, maybe grandparents and siblings if everyone is close by, and possibly a large party later.

If she can't compromise on the small wedding. End it.

HAHAHAHA! Yes, OP, call the police and report abuse. They will definitely drag her off in cuffs and keep her in the pokey until she agrees to a white wedding.

It's sad you think abusive behavior is funny. Abuse escalates over time, his fiance's behavior is a huge red flag, and ideally, he would leave the relationship, so it doesn't get to the point of the police needing to be called.

Good Lord, you're nuts. Not wanting a wedding is not abusive. Up your meds.

I agree not wanting a wedding, is not abusive, and that is why I never said that. What I said is his fiance's complete disregard for his feelings towards the wedding after agreeing to the wedding and creating a situation where he must prove his love for her by agreeing to elope is abusive behavior.

I also called you out on your abusive behavior which you again have demonstrated by lying and twisting what I said , and name-calling implying that I am crazy for disagreeing with me. Abusive behavior, and it's not at all suprising that an abusive person would not recognize abusive behavior in someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're going to get everyone telling you to elope, because a) they almost always side with the woman on these posts, B) most people here have dysfunctional families and dysfunctional themselves


To it's a pretty bad sign of her lack of respect for you that she wants you to disregard something that's deeply important to you, having your parents attend your wedding. That's not an unreasonable thing. She's asking you to drop your value s for her.

It's also a bad sign that she knowingly wants you to do something that will make you unhappy and drive a wedge between you and her family. It's also a bad sign because her family is dysfunctional she doesn't want you to be connected to your family anymore.

Her behavior and her ask is abusive, and it will not get better, but worse over time, and it will eventually involve your kids if you have them. You don't want to be married to this toxic person.

But since you want to get married, compromise. The compromise is a small wedding with your parents, maybe grandparents and siblings if everyone is close by, and possibly a large party later.

If she can't compromise on the small wedding. End it.

Op said she has a small family, it's weird that you translated that as dysfunctional. I don't think you're as stable as you think.

He said small family that isn't that close.

That's not dysfunction. We're also only hearing one side. Think about My Big Fat Greek Wedding. People would probably describe Ian's family as small and not close, but that's a very far cry from "dysfunctional".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're going to get everyone telling you to elope, because a) they almost always side with the woman on these posts, B) most people here have dysfunctional families and dysfunctional themselves


To it's a pretty bad sign of her lack of respect for you that she wants you to disregard something that's deeply important to you, having your parents attend your wedding. That's not an unreasonable thing. She's asking you to drop your value s for her.

It's also a bad sign that she knowingly wants you to do something that will make you unhappy and drive a wedge between you and her family. It's also a bad sign because her family is dysfunctional she doesn't want you to be connected to your family anymore.

Her behavior and her ask is abusive, and it will not get better, but worse over time, and it will eventually involve your kids if you have them. You don't want to be married to this toxic person.

But since you want to get married, compromise. The compromise is a small wedding with your parents, maybe grandparents and siblings if everyone is close by, and possibly a large party later.

If she can't compromise on the small wedding. End it.

Op said she has a small family, it's weird that you translated that as dysfunctional. I don't think you're as stable as you think.

He said small family that isn't that close.

He said. His opinion or hers? He doesn't get to decide what's close for her family.

Just like h she doesn't get to determine how close he is to his famil.

[Anonymous]

Elope now and don't tell anybody. Then have your big wedding in 2022. Nobody will be the wiser. I have had a few friends do this over the years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're going to get everyone telling you to elope, because a) they almost always side with the woman on these posts, B) most people here have dysfunctional families and dysfunctional themselves


To it's a pretty bad sign of her lack of respect for you that she wants you to disregard something that's deeply important to you, having your parents attend your wedding. That's not an unreasonable thing. She's asking you to drop your value s for her.

It's also a bad sign that she knowingly wants you to do something that will make you unhappy and drive a wedge between you and her family. It's also a bad sign because her family is dysfunctional she doesn't want you to be connected to your family anymore.

Her behavior and her ask is abusive, and it will not get better, but worse over time, and it will eventually involve your kids if you have them. You don't want to be married to this toxic person.

But since you want to get married, compromise. The compromise is a small wedding with your parents, maybe grandparents and siblings if everyone is close by, and possibly a large party later.

If she can't compromise on the small wedding. End it.

Op said she has a small family, it's weird that you translated that as dysfunctional. I don't think you're as stable as you think.

He said small family that isn't that close.

He said. His opinion or hers? He doesn't get to decide what's close for her family.

Just like h she doesn't get to determine how close he is to his famil.

Where did OP's fiancee try to determine how close he is to his family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're going to get everyone telling you to elope, because a) they almost always side with the woman on these posts, B) most people here have dysfunctional families and dysfunctional themselves


To it's a pretty bad sign of her lack of respect for you that she wants you to disregard something that's deeply important to you, having your parents attend your wedding. That's not an unreasonable thing. She's asking you to drop your value s for her.

It's also a bad sign that she knowingly wants you to do something that will make you unhappy and drive a wedge between you and her family. It's also a bad sign because her family is dysfunctional she doesn't want you to be connected to your family anymore.

Her behavior and her ask is abusive, and it will not get better, but worse over time, and it will eventually involve your kids if you have them. You don't want to be married to this toxic person.

But since you want to get married, compromise. The compromise is a small wedding with your parents, maybe grandparents and siblings if everyone is close by, and possibly a large party later.

If she can't compromise on the small wedding. End it.

Op said she has a small family, it's weird that you translated that as dysfunctional. I don't think you're as stable as you think.

He said small family that isn't that close.

That's not dysfunction. We're also only hearing one side. Think about My Big Fat Greek Wedding. People would probably describe Ian's family as small and not close, but that's a very far cry from "dysfunctional".

Actually know I would describe Ians' family as small, intorverted, not warm, but they were close they were there for Ian. Not close implies, not really carrying and a level of dysfuntion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're going to get everyone telling you to elope, because a) they almost always side with the woman on these posts, B) most people here have dysfunctional families and dysfunctional themselves


To it's a pretty bad sign of her lack of respect for you that she wants you to disregard something that's deeply important to you, having your parents attend your wedding. That's not an unreasonable thing. She's asking you to drop your value s for her.

It's also a bad sign that she knowingly wants you to do something that will make you unhappy and drive a wedge between you and her family. It's also a bad sign because her family is dysfunctional she doesn't want you to be connected to your family anymore.

Her behavior and her ask is abusive, and it will not get better, but worse over time, and it will eventually involve your kids if you have them. You don't want to be married to this toxic person.

But since you want to get married, compromise. The compromise is a small wedding with your parents, maybe grandparents and siblings if everyone is close by, and possibly a large party later.

If she can't compromise on the small wedding. End it.

HAHAHAHA! Yes, OP, call the police and report abuse. They will definitely drag her off in cuffs and keep her in the pokey until she agrees to a white wedding.

It's sad you think abusive behavior is funny. Abuse escalates over time, his fiance's behavior is a huge red flag, and ideally, he would leave the relationship, so it doesn't get to the point of the police needing to be called.

Good Lord, you're nuts. Not wanting a wedding is not abusive. Up your meds.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're going to get everyone telling you to elope, because a) they almost always side with the woman on these posts, B) most people here have dysfunctional families and dysfunctional themselves


To it's a pretty bad sign of her lack of respect for you that she wants you to disregard something that's deeply important to you, having your parents attend your wedding. That's not an unreasonable thing. She's asking you to drop your value s for her.

It's also a bad sign that she knowingly wants you to do something that will make you unhappy and drive a wedge between you and her family. It's also a bad sign because her family is dysfunctional she doesn't want you to be connected to your family anymore.

Her behavior and her ask is abusive, and it will not get better, but worse over time, and it will eventually involve your kids if you have them. You don't want to be married to this toxic person.

But since you want to get married, compromise. The compromise is a small wedding with your parents, maybe grandparents and siblings if everyone is close by, and possibly a large party later.

If she can't compromise on the small wedding. End it.

Op said she has a small family, it's weird that you translated that as dysfunctional. I don't think you're as stable as you think.

He said small family that isn't that close.

That's not dysfunction. We're also only hearing one side. Think about My Big Fat Greek Wedding. People would probably describe Ian's family as small and not close, but that's a very far cry from "dysfunctional".

Actually know I would describe Ians' family as small, intorverted, not warm, but they were close they were there for Ian. Not close implies, not really carrying and a level of dysfuntion.

I would describe my family as small and not close. My immediate family is just me and my dad, we're close, I get on fine with my extended family but I would never say we're "close".

[Anonymous]

I think an elopement now with a family/friend reception later (post covid) is a good compromise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My Fiance and I got engaged June 2020. Given 2020 and 2021 we put off having a wedding until 2022.

My fiance all of a sudden decided she doesn't want a wedding anymore and would rather elope. Her reasoning is we would save a lot of money and wouldnt have to wait 2 years. She also has a really small family and they are not that close.

I'm from a traditional family and this absolutely would not fly. We've discussed it and she refuses to compromise. I understand from her perspective she's not extremely close with her family, so a wedding isn't a big deal, but for me, it would be a huge sign of disrespect to my family.

How, precisely, would it be disrespectful to your family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're going to get everyone telling you to elope, because a) they almost always side with the woman on these posts, B) most people here have dysfunctional families and dysfunctional themselves


To it's a pretty bad sign of her lack of respect for you that she wants you to disregard something that's deeply important to you, having your parents attend your wedding. That's not an unreasonable thing. She's asking you to drop your value s for her.

It's also a bad sign that she knowingly wants you to do something that will make you unhappy and drive a wedge between you and her family. It's also a bad sign because her family is dysfunctional she doesn't want you to be connected to your family anymore.

Her behavior and her ask is abusive, and it will not get better, but worse over time, and it will eventually involve your kids if you have them. You don't want to be married to this toxic person.

But since you want to get married, compromise. The compromise is a small wedding with your parents, maybe grandparents and siblings if everyone is close by, and possibly a large party later.

If she can't compromise on the small wedding. End it.

What? Why does she have to give in to him

No this is him pushing her into something that is not a mature decision at this time. Not to mention he won't marry her over a "Traditional wedding" Are you kidding? He is an emotional abuser waiting to happen she should run away.

Either he loves her and wants to spend eternity with her or not. Given what he wrote he doesn't love her he wants to control her. She should run for the hills.

[Anonymous]

Be careful what you wish for, OP. In the vast majority of circumstances, it's the bride who shoulders the majority of the wedding planning chores. If you insist on a large wedding, you may (and she should) tell you that you are responsible for planning everything. Are you willing to do that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP doesn’t actually say he wants a wedding because it’s important to HIM. Everything he says is about his family’s opinion - this would not fly with his family, sign of disrespect to his family.

What does “a traditional family” mean in this context? Does OP refer to some cultural aspect? If so, what is the specific culture that is disrespected by a lack of large wedding? Does OP’s fiancée come from the same culture? If not, what other kinds of cultural expectations will exist for her in this marriage? Or was “a traditional family” a dig at the fiancée?

She is right that it would be cheaper and that y’all wouldn’t have to wait. I can understand why someone wouldn’t want to wait. I can also understand someone who is willing to wait for something they want done a particular way for a particular reason. I just don’t think that “not disrespecting DH’s family” is a great reason for waiting 2 years to have an expensive wedding that neither person getting married really wants themselves. DH’s family doesn’t get a vote here.

+1

What OP is saying is that it's more important to please his family than to marry his fiancée. His fiancée doesn't want to wait yet another year to be married, suggesting that the marriage is more important to her than the wedding. OP is saying that the wedding is more important than the marriage, and not even because he really wants a big wedding, but because his family would feel "disrespected" by the lack of one. Which suggests a whole other set of issues.

A compromise might be a small ceremony with immediate family only so that they don't have to wait another year. What compromise is OP offering?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be careful what you wish for, OP. In the vast majority of circumstances, it's the bride who shoulders the majority of the wedding planning chores. If you insist on a large wedding, you may (and she should) tell you that you are responsible for planning everything. Are you willing to do that?

Yeah, if I'm the bride in this situation (and I don't break off the engagement), I'm not planning anything beyond my dress and flowers and attendants. OP can figure out everything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're going to get everyone telling you to elope, because a) they almost always side with the woman on these posts, B) most people here have dysfunctional families and dysfunctional themselves


To it's a pretty bad sign of her lack of respect for you that she wants you to disregard something that's deeply important to you, having your parents attend your wedding. That's not an unreasonable thing. She's asking you to drop your value s for her.

It's also a bad sign that she knowingly wants you to do something that will make you unhappy and drive a wedge between you and her family. It's also a bad sign because her family is dysfunctional she doesn't want you to be connected to your family anymore.

Her behavior and her ask is abusive, and it will not get better, but worse over time, and it will eventually involve your kids if you have them. You don't want to be married to this toxic person.

But since you want to get married, compromise. The compromise is a small wedding with your parents, maybe grandparents and siblings if everyone is close by, and possibly a large party later.

If she can't compromise on the small wedding. End it.

You are very passionate about this, as evidenced by your multiple posts. But, you're inferring things that may not be there.

OP never said either of the bolded sentiments you attribute to him above. He only said that eloping "would not fly" and that eloping "would be a huge sign of disrespect to my family." He also hasn't been back to elaborate.

I agree that the happiness of both partners needs to be taken into account. But OP didn't indicate that he desperately desires a big wedding, or even that he prefers one. He only said that his family prefers it. That's a big difference.