Fiance wants to elope, I want a wedding

[Anonymous]

I really do understand the feelings of you and your family but this has been a wild year. Normally I would say to stay committed to your goal of an in person wedding but given the pandemic and all the waiting involved I think a fair compromise would be to elope and later have a large in person reception with your extended family. Recognize that covid has thrown the world for a loop and don't blame your fiancee for responding to that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're going to get everyone telling you to elope, because a) they almost always side with the woman on these posts, B) most people here have dysfunctional families and dysfunctional themselves

No, it's simply because there is a once in a hundred year pandemic going on that is affecting the legality of large gatherings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're going to get everyone telling you to elope, because a) they almost always side with the woman on these posts, B) most people here have dysfunctional families and dysfunctional themselves

No, it's simply because there is a once in a hundred year pandemic going on that is affecting the legality of large gatherings.

Except they don't have to have a large gathering. People have been getting married all pandemic long with smaller gatherings. Original point still stands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Her behavior and her ask is abusive, and it will not get better, but worse over time, and it will eventually involve your kids if you have them. You don't want to be married to this toxic person.

Ok you're a little nuts, pp. Couples elope all the time, especially now. She doesn't want to wait any longer. Perfectly reasonable. OP if your family's feelings always trump your future wife's feelings, your not in a good place to start a life together.

When it's safe to do so, suggest a small cocktail party that your family hosts and pays for, much like a rehearsal dinner.

No, her behavior isn't abused because she wants to elope. Her behavior is abusive for all the reasons outline in my post which you conveniently ignored and did not quote in order to make a snarky comment.


These are not just his family's feelings these it's important his family be at his wedding. In a healthy relationship the feelings of both the husband and wife matter. I know this is difficult for DCUMErs to understand, but the wife's feelings don't just automatically trump the husbands.

[Anonymous]

There’s some daylight between traditional wedding and eloping. You can do a smaller Covid-sensitive event outdoors this summer. That would seem to me to be a reasonable compromise, maybe with a bigger party on your one year anniversary.

I hear you, op. Having a wedding with my friends and family was really important to me. We have so few rituals in life where everyone gets together for joyous reasons. I feel badly for people who’ve had their plans wrecked by Covid. I would work on finding a true middle ground - I can also understand not wanting to wait another full year for a wedding!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There’s some daylight between traditional wedding and eloping. You can do a smaller Covid-sensitive event outdoors this summer. That would seem to me to be a reasonable compromise, maybe with a bigger party on your one year anniversary.

I hear you, op. Having a wedding with my friends and family was really important to me. We have so few rituals in life where everyone gets together for joyous reasons. I feel badly for people who’ve had their plans wrecked by Covid. I would work on finding a true middle ground - I can also understand not wanting to wait another full year for a wedding!

That's why a middle ground of a much smaller wedding, perhaps this summer is a true compromise. If OP and his fiance can't come to that agreement or a similar compromise and both insist on having things entirely their way, there's a huge problem and they should not get married.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely elope! My former in-laws never forgave me that they had to pay for “my” wedding to their son to get the social event they wanted. I wanted immediate family only and a sort of party for 20 people afterwards. They wanted an extravaganza.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're going to get everyone telling you to elope, because a) they almost always side with the woman on these posts, B) most people here have dysfunctional families and dysfunctional themselves

No, it's simply because there is a once in a hundred year pandemic going on that is affecting the legality of large gatherings.

Except they don't have to have a large gathering. People have been getting married all pandemic long with smaller gatherings. Original point still stands.

It's one thing to suggest an alternative like a small wedding (recognizing that OP didn't say he would agree to that) - another to assume all posters responding here simply side with a woman or come from dysfunctional families. Thats ridiculously simplistic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s some daylight between traditional wedding and eloping. You can do a smaller Covid-sensitive event outdoors this summer. That would seem to me to be a reasonable compromise, maybe with a bigger party on your one year anniversary.

I hear you, op. Having a wedding with my friends and family was really important to me. We have so few rituals in life where everyone gets together for joyous reasons. I feel badly for people who’ve had their plans wrecked by Covid. I would work on finding a true middle ground - I can also understand not wanting to wait another full year for a wedding!

That's why a middle ground of a much smaller wedding, perhaps this summer is a true compromise. If OP and his fiance can't come to that agreement or a similar compromise and both insist on having things entirely their way, there's a huge problem and they should not get married.

Agree

[Anonymous]

A pandemic is the perfect time to elope if one wished to avoid an elaborate wedding and the expense, while having most people understand skipping all the hoopla.

She wants to get married. She wants to be married already and to you. The actual wedding day is of less significance, than the marriage in her opinion.

Extended family aside what do you want? Doing this only to please your extended family is a rocky start to a marriage. It shows you will choose their happiness over hers along the way. Don't fight for the wedding based on pleasing them. If having a wedding is important to you find other reasons to show why this is important to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're going to get everyone telling you to elope, because a) they almost always side with the woman on these posts, B) most people here have dysfunctional families and dysfunctional themselves

No, it's simply because there is a once in a hundred year pandemic going on that is affecting the legality of large gatherings.

Except they don't have to have a large gathering. People have been getting married all pandemic long with smaller gatherings. Original point still stands.

It's one thing to suggest an alternative like a small wedding (recognizing that OP didn't say he would agree to that) - another to assume all posters responding here simply side with a woman or come from dysfunctional families. Thats ridiculously simplistic.

You clearly don't know DCUm, because I can guarantee you if OP had been a woman the responses would be very different, and a quick look at this forum will tell you the relationships are full of dysfunction. Even your attempt to discredit me was easily debunked. My original take still stands, you don't have to like it but you are wasting your time going back and forth with me because I'm not going to change my opinion on the matter, so your only reason to continue would be because you need to have the last word.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A pandemic is the perfect time to elope if one wished to avoid an elaborate wedding and the expense, while having most people understand skipping all the hoopla.

She wants to get married. She wants to be married already and to you. The actual wedding day is of less significance, than the marriage in her opinion.

Extended family aside what do you want? Doing this only to please your extended family is a rocky start to a marriage. It shows you will choose their happiness over hers along the way. Don't fight for the wedding based on pleasing them. If having a wedding is important to you find other reasons to show why this is important to you.

It's important to him to have his family there. What's s o difficult about that for you people to understand?

His happiness matters too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s some daylight between traditional wedding and eloping. You can do a smaller Covid-sensitive event outdoors this summer. That would seem to me to be a reasonable compromise, maybe with a bigger party on your one year anniversary.

I hear you, op. Having a wedding with my friends and family was really important to me. We have so few rituals in life where everyone gets together for joyous reasons. I feel badly for people who’ve had their plans wrecked by Covid. I would work on finding a true middle ground - I can also understand not wanting to wait another full year for a wedding!

That's why a middle ground of a much smaller wedding, perhaps this summer is a true compromise. If OP and his fiance can't come to that agreement or a similar compromise and both insist on having things entirely their way, there's a huge problem and they should not get married.

Agree

It really is that simple, and it's very disturbing that so many posters are discouraging a true compromise.

[Anonymous]

Once there is a baby on the way any hurt feelings over a missed wedding will be long forgotten.

[Anonymous]

If you can’t compromise on this, your marriage is doomed. One compromise is a much smaller wedding this year. Would you agree to that?