Growing up, did you family do things for friends, neighbors and the community?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. Grew up in family of helpers/givers and became the same.

Then, four years ago, my family suffered a horrific and public tragedy ... and the number of neighbors who knew, but said or did nothing, negatively impacted me and blindsided me in ways I still have trouble describing.

I’m sorry to hear this PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Growing up, did you family do things for friends, neighbors and the community?
I'm talking about organizing or participating in meal trains for deaths/new moms, stepping in to help if a tragedy occurred with a neighbor, helping an elderly person your family knows with someone that may not be able to do, hosting showers at your home, volunteering for the school or sports team you are involved in? Being involved on boards or volunteering in the community.

And secondly, do you do this kind of thing now?

If not, why not?

No, we did not do those things or volunteer as a family.
My mom would occasionally make meals for friends, but our extended family needed a lot of help and my parents grew up poor, so that's where all the money and time went.

As an adult, I did do these things and volunteered for different organizations when I lived in a small southern town. Since I have moved to the DC, I have done some of these things. But when I try to do nice things for people in our neighborhood who have experienced a loss or hard times, some people act like I am crazy. That, and the lack of a cohesive local community is the main reason I don't reach out more.

[Anonymous]

I posted earlier about growing up in a community where people helped each other. Have often wondered here if we needed help, would anyone reach out. A little afraid to find out and been here a long time. Compounded by friends scattered around the beltway, so it’s not easy to drop something off 45 minutes away/each direction.

[Anonymous]

Yep. They were really active in their church, so we took meals to sick parishoners and participated in the various activities through the church: building houses with Habitat for Humanity, donating to the angel tree, food drives, coat drives, etc. My mom was on the board of a home for severely developmentally disabled children, and, in addition to fundraising for them, she also went in to sit with and hold the babies. Then she worked to help develop a center with a food bank, senior center, and various social services under one roof in our town. My dad always helped with these things, often contributing his labor (he's a pretty skilled carpenter and handyman). In retirement, she volunteers weekly at the local food bank, and delivers meals to seniors and drives them to their medical appointments. And they often helped out neighbors informally -- shoveling snow for an elderly neighbor, taking a meal to someone who had a baby or something, etc.

We were not well off -- solidly middle class, all vacations were in our camper or visiting family, tight budgets, etc. -- but they always took service seriously.

[Anonymous]

No, not so much that I ever really saw. We always donated clothes and toys and were taught to help those less fortunate than us whenever we could. My mother is a big "humanitarian" but it was never a friends/family/neighbors/community thing. They spent a lot of money to help the down-and-out babysitter they hired as our nanny. My mom went on major Doctors Without Borders style-trips (both parents in medicine, but only she was into this stuff), including to really dangerous places, for weeks at a time. Now she donates a lot of money to a handful of causes she really cares about.

But I definitely never saw them doing any meal train or community-type volunteering besides showing up when medical help was needed nearby and they were called (including on airplanes). I'm trying to remember if they ever went to help friends, considering there were a couple different points when one parent or the other became deathly ill, long hospital stints, and their friends majorly stepped in to help, many flying in and staying with us. I don't know if they ever did that for others, though. Maybe they did and I just don't recall.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Very much so growing up. Just how things were.

Less so now.

I was more involved up until a few years ago. When my parents health declined that along with work & raising a family became all I could manage. I gradually withdrew from many things I would normally do and withdrew form others in general. Having to say over & over felt daunting.

+1

Plus, I think there are more people with bad intentions (more takers) now than when our parents were raising families a generation ago. A generation ago, my parents knew everyone in town, and vice versa. They helped and socialized on the regular, and were a big part of the community. I think the meaning of "community" is different today - one can be involved without drawing attention to oneself. If you are "involved" in the community for the accolades or the recognition, you are doing it wrong.

I think it depends, OP. People are more choosy with their time and resources these days, don't you think? With two full time parents, plus their parents to take care of, plus kids and a house to maintain, and distance learning, people are generally spread pretty thin. People who are able to give do so when they can.

Why are you asking?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yep. They were really active in their church, so we took meals to sick parishoners and participated in the various activities through the church: building houses with Habitat for Humanity, donating to the angel tree, food drives, coat drives, etc. My mom was on the board of a home for severely developmentally disabled children, and, in addition to fundraising for them, she also went in to sit with and hold the babies. Then she worked to help develop a center with a food bank, senior center, and various social services under one roof in our town. My dad always helped with these things, often contributing his labor (he's a pretty skilled carpenter and handyman). In retirement, she volunteers weekly at the local food bank, and delivers meals to seniors and drives them to their medical appointments. And they often helped out neighbors informally -- shoveling snow for an elderly neighbor, taking a meal to someone who had a baby or something, etc.

We were not well off -- solidly middle class, all vacations were in our camper or visiting family, tight budgets, etc. -- but they always took service seriously.

My family was very much like the above poster's and it very much feels like a natural way of life to me. As a transplant who has not connected to an already established community, I always feel like there is something missing in this area from my life in DC. I have done some occasional volunteering over the last few years and do take meals to friends, but in general our community activities are much more formally organized and almost always benefit people I don't know personally. It's very different. I'm realizing that a lot of my self-worth came from what I contributed to the community or what kind of a community member I was. Not necessarily bad, but definitely not something that I have done a lot to pass on to my children as a value. I would like them to see the importance of community service. It just feels forced to seek out organizations to volunteer with instead of being a natural part of our community life.

I'm from California and we certainly took each other meals, but I hadn't heard the term meal train until moving here.

[Anonymous]

Yes, and yes. One of the most salient examples from childhood is when one of the parents of close friends/neighbors was very ill, to the point of being hospitalized for months. All of the neighbors pitched in to help support them as much as possible. A few times, when the ill spouse was in real crisis, my mom picked up their kids to stay at our house so their mom could spend the night at the hospital. Other examples: my dad coaching softball for me and my sister, our mom volunteering as GS troop leader, being part of a babysitting coop, picking up neighbors' kids when they were sick at school and their parent wasn't immediately available.

In the Before Times, we participated in meal trains for neighbors, always offered to take kids in a pinch, shoveled driveways for elderly neighbors, and organized happy hours and block parties for the neighborhood. Missing my neighbors is one of the hardest parts of the pandemic for me. We still see each other on walks and such, but I worked hard to build and contribute to our community, and I want that back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Growing up, did you family do things for friends, neighbors and the community?
I'm talking about organizing or participating in meal trains for deaths/new moms, stepping in to help if a tragedy occurred with a neighbor, helping an elderly person your family knows with someone that may not be able to do, hosting showers at your home, volunteering for the school or sports team you are involved in? Being involved on boards or volunteering in the community.

And secondly, do you do this kind of thing now?

If not, why not?

Of coure because we were part of a neighborhood not strangers just taking up space. I still do these things.

[Anonymous]

I don't think meal trains are a thing now given that many people don't know how to cook and that frozen meals are easily available. I personally wouldn't accept food from any of my friends or neighbors.

[Anonymous]

Not necessarily meal trains, but other stuff. Of course, I'm old (50s) so when I was a kid, it was also normal for parents to just park their kids at another house if they wanted to go away for the weekend. Fun for everyone!

[Anonymous]

All the time. Very close neighborhood.

[Anonymous]

Interesting question! Made me realize that I behave exactly as my parents do: always there for a friend in need, but community involvement and volunteering ebbed and flowed at different stages of their lives.

I was the youngest kid in my parents social circle (friends, siblings, and neighbors kids all older) so the whole shower/meal train thing was long gone when my memory kicks in. I know from stories that my mom hosted at least a couple. When I was little little, mom was always busy - raising us, finishing a degree, then starting her own business (in a service/helping field) and working crazy hours. She didn’t do much of this kinda stuff during this time. My parents were divorced with joint custody. Dad was more into that kinda stuff when I was young - coach of allll the little kid sport teams, active at church, on committees. Then HE started building his own company, and his own house, and stepped back from that stuff. Later, mom and my stepdad got more involved with the community and are on a number of boards. My dad has picked a couple of volunteering gigs up since his wife died.

So, overall, I’d say they were active, involved, and helpful. But there were definitely busy times where they were not for stretches of years.

I would add that they never volunteered at school. This was the early nineties, and they definitely had the attitude (fair or not) that that stuff was for moms who didn’t work. Neither had any flexibility during the standard work day.

[Anonymous]

My parents were lower middle class and introverts and still managed to give time and money to people, causes, you name it. My dad even was a part of prison ministries. I cannot emphasize how out of character this seemed to me given his shyness. I admired them.

Yes, I try to help where needed even with crazy work schedules, and we have more money so give more, but nowhere near the percentage of income my parents gave.

[Anonymous]

I grew up in the 80’s in and around DC. My father was and still is the sort of man who thinks that he should not have to cook or clean. In his own home he does things like major landscaping work, light repairs, taking care of vehicles. My mother was often overwhelmed by working, caring for children, and keeping house. To the extent she volunteered, it was always at church —vestry, taking communion to the sick. Neither of my parents did PTA stuff, Girl Scouts, sports involvement. They had friends in the neighborhood and expressed empathy for their hard times but never did anything much for folks. However, both of my parents believed strongly in charitable giving.

As an adult I am much more plugged into my community, but I’m still not a huge doer or joiner. I’ll offer assistance to do small projects in friends’ homes or gardens. I try to show care through hospitality, hosting friends for tea, dinner, or drinks whenever I can (and when a pandemic does not interfere). I am often poor at organizing things and following through on details, so meal trains and showers are not a personal strength. I do always try to send gifts in times both happy and sad —relationship break-ups, baby births, graduations, deaths. When I bake, I make extras and drop them off with a neighbor or two. I have a small, 1 hr./wk volunteer gig that I’ve kept up for the past couple of years. So I guess I’ve found a middle ground between showing people I care and preserving time for myself and my own family.