Growing up, did you family do things for friends, neighbors and the community?
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Anonymous
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My mother would do things for family, but would explode with resentment and start lifelong feuds. I learned from that you should say "no" to things you consider too much rather than just saying "yes"to look nice.
She did not volunteer or do any of the other things, but it was not her thing. I volunteer at the school because I genuinely enjoy it. I do not organize food chains because you never know someone else's circumstances ans whether you are guilting someone into doing something they resent. Plus, I know with my own family's food allergies, if people don't ask questions meals can end up thrown out. Instead I simply offer to get from their favorite restaurant and I don't rope others in. I don't host showers because I don't really enjoy them. I do host get-togethers during non-covid times. I think it's about doing what you enjoy and giving in a way that works for you not trying to meet some societal expectation. |
Anonymous
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Absolutely. Quick to help out families in need at our church, watched a classmate after school when her mom died, acted as second parents to various wayward friends of me and my many siblings, involved in various charities, helped out my grandmother’s friends, made meals, etc etc. My mom was mostly a SAHM so had capacity to do so and that’s pretty much how she spent her time outside taking care of our family.
We try to do the same. DH and I both have pretty intense jobs so our capacity to do so is a bit more limited, but we regularly drop off gifts to friends and neighbors, particularly those going through a tough time, help take care of other people’s kids, adopt a family to buy Christmas presents for, etc. For example, this week I made a point of going on a walk with a friend who is having a hard time, entertained a kid for a few hours (outside) whose parents were dealing with a tragedy, and encouraged my son to invite the new kid who moved in across the street to come over to play outside. Sometimes I do pull back though when I’m fully tapped out, but the great thing is that’s when friends and neighbors step up for me! |
Anonymous
| This is a very interesting thread and set of responses. OP, curious on what made you ask? |
Anonymous
| Nope! We moved every 2-3 years and didn’t take much effort to know our neighbors. My mother was busy and preoccupied. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
| Yes, my mom has always been a make a meal, send a card, host an event kind of person. Through their lives, they have been more and less involved in politics and community depending on their capacity. For a few years they cooked a weekly free community meal at the church near their home. They have definitely always been both compassionate and honest people. I remember my mom going back to the grocery store when the checker gave her too much change, "I don't want her to get in trouble or have to pay back the money." That has definitely always stuck with me as an adult. I've gotten very involved in community issues and local politics in my 40s. I definitely make meals for people and give funds. I'd like to do more than I do. |
Anonymous
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Growing up, my family did nothing at all for everyone else and acted like rugged individualists. Once, when our phone was down and we needed to call the phone company, we used the neighbor's phone. My mom made a big show of going to the neighbor's house afterwards and giving the neighbor a dime for the phone call.
I am the exact opposite from the way I was brought up. |
Anonymous
I think you first need to examine these things and see how you define helping out. We as a family donate to worthy causes, give to food banks, visit friends in the hospital and offer to get a meal. That said, helping an elderly person can turn into enabling. My mother thinks her neighbors will just fill in where we can't so she doesn't need assisted living. Their "generosity" could turn into her taking advantage and creating a dangerous situation for her and stressful situation for us when we are ultimately responsible for her well being. Some people who don't have the time or money to help with food chains are too embarrassed to say no. You could be doing something cruel to a friend in trouble to help another friend. We offer to bring meals and do other things, but would never impose on others and make them feel pressured to the same. Being on a board is work, but also a social thing. If it's your cup of tea, great, but I don't judge anyone who doesn't want it. My parents encouraged us to do volunteer work when we were self-absorbed teenagers and that was a great thing. it helped me step outside of myself, see how fortunate I was and it made me feel better to do for someone other than myself. I think it's all about modeling for your kids giving back can be truly enjoyable and rewarding and you need your way to do it. There is no right way, but make sure you are truly helping and not creating problems. For example, we have a neighbor who hit hard times and someone started a go fund me. He hit hard times due to addiction and was not getting help. All those generous people figured out they were funding addiction. |
Anonymous
| One thing I respect a lot is when families teach their kids to do these things humbly. I am not impressed when people brag either in person or online about good deeds. That goes against the bible. So many famous corrupt people were "pillars of the community" making sure everyone knew their good deeds. Setting an example for your kids is about teaching overall character and how the gift is in knowing you were there for someone, not in accolades from peers. |
Anonymous
| My family had a major, life altering emergency. Many people from the community called to express sympathy and wish us well. Many people dropped of food for us to eat. Others offered help with transportation and childcare. It was greatly needed and appreciated by my family. As I child, I didn’t quite understand the gravity of our situation, but now realize how wonderful these people were to donate their time and energies. |
Anonymous
Yes. My parents were constantly lecturing us about how lucky we were. They volunteered a lot and forced us to as well. It got old and I hated being forced to do good. As a result, I don’t volunteer as an adult unless it directly benefits my family. (Sports, school scouts). |
Anonymous
| My parents volunteered at our local public school and public library. My father was a doctor and volunteered at free clinics. He also helped neighbors and friends with home construction projects. They had little interest in our synagogue, so did not volunteer as much there. When one of my parents died, the other had far less volunteer time. We lived in a somewhat, not fully, diverse community and people helped each other out. You didn’t have to go to the same church or be best buddies. People just stepped in quietly. This was in another city. Have not experienced community like this is DC area. Maybe it’s just where I landed. I miss it. |
Anonymous
+1 Very similar upbringing here, also in another region. Both of my parents grew up poor, but as adults were extremely involved with community organizations and stepping in to lend a hand when anyone was in need. Sometimes it annoyed me as a kid, but their example made me who I am. I view service as a given and am trying to raise my kids that way too. At the same time, it can be challenging to be positive in this region when the prevailing sentiment is that everyone is responsible for their own family and if you falter, it's all on you. I constantly struggle internally with my community oriented worldview in such an unforgiving and judgmental culture in the DMV. |
Anonymous
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No. My parents didn't even come to my baseball games. They never hosted parties or had couples over for dinner.
My wife, however comes from a ridiculously social family that hosted massive parties two or three times a year, her mom was the girl scout leader and two time PTA president. Her dad the coach of her soccer teams. They were the parents that visited her at college and came for homecoming and took all her friends to dinner. My parents came to my college twice. The day they dropped me off and the day I graduated. |
Anonymous
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My mom was an active member of my high school activity's "booster" program. I actually hated it because it meant she was at all the events and I felt like I had no privacy.
I remember one time when a friend of mine's mother had a medical procedure (cosmetic--completely elective) that made her bed ridden for a few days and my mom sent a meal over to the family. My dad was a doctor and would do volunteer work at a local low cost/no cost medical clinic one afternoon a week. |