MIL pissed we didn't acknowledge/remember her wedding anniversary

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually don't remember for sure my own wedding date. I know my parents' was in July (they are both deceased) and we had a big event for their 25th but I don't know the date. And no idea when my in-laws were married. Question is, did FIL remember it???

To be honest, I just don't understand how you don't remember the date you were married?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's your DH's problem Op
And it shouldn't be a problem, anyway. But some older parents feel there ought to be a big party. They can't arrange it .. it wouldn't be the polite thing to do (in their mind) so their children should take the reins. And shouldn't have to be told this. For a milestone anniversary. But which milestone anniversary is most important to them? One big party is enough. Have DH determine which year they would like this. Zero in on that. Once and that's it.

For our upcoming milestone anniversary, we plan to ask our children if they would like to take a trip with us. We are open to their suggestions and will hire someone to make the plan to accommodate preferences.

Neither of our children is married, but we will invite their SOs.

It would never occur to me to ask my children or anyone else for that matter to throw a party for my celebration. Never in a million years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually don't remember for sure my own wedding date. I know my parents' was in July (they are both deceased) and we had a big event for their 25th but I don't know the date. And no idea when my in-laws were married. Question is, did FIL remember it???

To be honest, I just don't understand how you don't remember the date you were married?

NP and I forget my anniversary date all the time too. I'm a woman FWIW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's your DH's problem Op
And it shouldn't be a problem, anyway. But some older parents feel there ought to be a big party. They can't arrange it .. it wouldn't be the polite thing to do (in their mind) so their children should take the reins. And shouldn't have to be told this. For a milestone anniversary. But which milestone anniversary is most important to them? One big party is enough. Have DH determine which year they would like this. Zero in on that. Once and that's it.

Right, their children. OP is not their child.

What about when the ILs have decided that their child's spouse is like one of their own children? This appears to be the norm in DH's family, and it comes from a loving place, but it has caused all kinds of awkwardness for me. The day we were married, they told me, "We will consider you our own daughter, and we hope you will consider us another Mom and Dad," or something like that, I wasn't able to process it at the time, but I didn't know I was making a commitment by saying thanks. I never wanted to call them Mom and Dad, and when I realized that was the intention, I called them nothing for years and now I call them by their grandparent names.

I get into situations like the OPs all the time because I think they are treating me like their own child, and so they expect me to act like their own child. Like, why wouldn't I be the one to arrange visits and answer for DH, when I am like their own daughter?

Oh man I feel the same. I even like my inlaws, but I have a mom and a dad. Names mean something to me. So I spoke up and said, "thank you, but I prefer to call you by your first names if you don't mind. I don't mean any disrespect." They probably did mind. Sadly I then got 2 brother in laws a decade later who called our inlaws mom and dad. Whatever, I can be the least favorite.

We met/married young and I have ALWAYS felt like I was their child. Some has been strange (like sharing beds with my sister in law before marriage), some very nice (they give me gifts and include me). The first inlaw has it the worst I think. My brothers in law were welcomed with open arms and my inlaws adore BIL's parents. My parents are ignored and don't even get wedding invites.

I just let it all roll off my back and try not to fixate on anything.

What a strange remark. Why would your ILs invite your parents to anything, much less weddings?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's your DH's problem Op
And it shouldn't be a problem, anyway. But some older parents feel there ought to be a big party. They can't arrange it .. it wouldn't be the polite thing to do (in their mind) so their children should take the reins. And shouldn't have to be told this. For a milestone anniversary. But which milestone anniversary is most important to them? One big party is enough. Have DH determine which year they would like this. Zero in on that. Once and that's it.

Right, their children. OP is not their child.

What about when the ILs have decided that their child's spouse is like one of their own children? This appears to be the norm in DH's family, and it comes from a loving place, but it has caused all kinds of awkwardness for me. The day we were married, they told me, "We will consider you our own daughter, and we hope you will consider us another Mom and Dad," or something like that, I wasn't able to process it at the time, but I didn't know I was making a commitment by saying thanks. I never wanted to call them Mom and Dad, and when I realized that was the intention, I called them nothing for years and now I call them by their grandparent names.

I get into situations like the OPs all the time because I think they are treating me like their own child, and so they expect me to act like their own child. Like, why wouldn't I be the one to arrange visits and answer for DH, when I am like their own daughter?

Oh man I feel the same. I even like my inlaws, but I have a mom and a dad. Names mean something to me. So I spoke up and said, "thank you, but I prefer to call you by your first names if you don't mind. I don't mean any disrespect." They probably did mind. Sadly I then got 2 brother in laws a decade later who called our inlaws mom and dad. Whatever, I can be the least favorite.

We met/married young and I have ALWAYS felt like I was their child. Some has been strange (like sharing beds with my sister in law before marriage), some very nice (they give me gifts and include me). The first inlaw has it the worst I think. My brothers in law were welcomed with open arms and my inlaws adore BIL's parents. My parents are ignored and don't even get wedding invites.

I just let it all roll off my back and try not to fixate on anything.

What a strange remark. Why would your ILs invite your parents to anything, much less weddings?

Ehh because my parents traveled there to help out, watched my kids, ran errands for my SIL. They invited my BIL's parents (I have 2 BILs as DH has 2 sisters)

[Anonymous]

Can you imagine your mom telling your DH that he needs to remember her wedding anniversary? Ridiculous. Not your problem.

Don't interfere in the sorry flowers but don't take responsibility for it either. "I'll tell John you'd like to talk to him". Don't accept this from her (or him).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually don't remember for sure my own wedding date. I know my parents' was in July (they are both deceased) and we had a big event for their 25th but I don't know the date. And no idea when my in-laws were married. Question is, did FIL remember it???

To be honest, I just don't understand how you don't remember the date you were married?

Because we got married at the courthouse! We scheduled it maybe 3 weeks before, showed up with a couple of close friends and celebrated at a super nice restaurant after. It was a special day but nothing special about the date itself. We often forget. I finally set my calendar to remind me a week ahead so we can plan something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's your DH's problem Op
And it shouldn't be a problem, anyway. But some older parents feel there ought to be a big party. They can't arrange it .. it wouldn't be the polite thing to do (in their mind) so their children should take the reins. And shouldn't have to be told this. For a milestone anniversary. But which milestone anniversary is most important to them? One big party is enough. Have DH determine which year they would like this. Zero in on that. Once and that's it.

Right, their children. OP is not their child.

What about when the ILs have decided that their child's spouse is like one of their own children? This appears to be the norm in DH's family, and it comes from a loving place, but it has caused all kinds of awkwardness for me. The day we were married, they told me, "We will consider you our own daughter, and we hope you will consider us another Mom and Dad," or something like that, I wasn't able to process it at the time, but I didn't know I was making a commitment by saying thanks. I never wanted to call them Mom and Dad, and when I realized that was the intention, I called them nothing for years and now I call them by their grandparent names.

I get into situations like the OPs all the time because I think they are treating me like their own child, and so they expect me to act like their own child. Like, why wouldn't I be the one to arrange visits and answer for DH, when I am like their own daughter?

Oh man I feel the same. I even like my inlaws, but I have a mom and a dad. Names mean something to me. So I spoke up and said, "thank you, but I prefer to call you by your first names if you don't mind. I don't mean any disrespect." They probably did mind. Sadly I then got 2 brother in laws a decade later who called our inlaws mom and dad. Whatever, I can be the least favorite.

We met/married young and I have ALWAYS felt like I was their child. Some has been strange (like sharing beds with my sister in law before marriage), some very nice (they give me gifts and include me). The first inlaw has it the worst I think. My brothers in law were welcomed with open arms and my inlaws adore BIL's parents. My parents are ignored and don't even get wedding invites.

I just let it all roll off my back and try not to fixate on anything.

What a strange remark. Why would your ILs invite your parents to anything, much less weddings?

Ehh because my parents traveled there to help out, watched my kids, ran errands for my SIL. They invited my BIL's parents (I have 2 BILs as DH has 2 sisters)

And this is the bride and groom's problem exactly...how?

They have a budget and a limit on how many people they can invite. You want them to waste two slots on people that mean nothing to them because you're too cheap to hire a babysitter????????

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some families do this, others don’t. My parents are divorced, but I always send a card to my aunt and uncle and to my cousin for their anniversaries.

Either way, though, not you know it matters to your MIL, so note the date on your calendar and say something next year. This isn’t a big deal.

I would contend that a MIL who is pissed her anniversary wasn't acknowledged isn't going to be happy with a mere Happy Anniversary. So it can turn into a big deal. And if she's this way about an anniversary, this says a lot about her expectations of how she wants to be treated in general moving forward. I would establish a boundary right out of the gate.

+100

[Anonymous]

Ah newlywed. This could be the start of the horror show. Leave it with your DH. I would ask your DH if he has every acknowledged their anniversary.

If he has every year, then I understand why she would be a little upset and I would send the sorry flowers.

If he has never acknowledged it or only randomly then your MIL has gone into stressed mode that her son just married. I would not send flowers and ignore it.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's your DH's problem Op
And it shouldn't be a problem, anyway. But some older parents feel there ought to be a big party. They can't arrange it .. it wouldn't be the polite thing to do (in their mind) so their children should take the reins. And shouldn't have to be told this. For a milestone anniversary. But which milestone anniversary is most important to them? One big party is enough. Have DH determine which year they would like this. Zero in on that. Once and that's it.

Right, their children. OP is not their child.

What about when the ILs have decided that their child's spouse is like one of their own children? This appears to be the norm in DH's family, and it comes from a loving place, but it has caused all kinds of awkwardness for me. The day we were married, they told me, "We will consider you our own daughter, and we hope you will consider us another Mom and Dad," or something like that, I wasn't able to process it at the time, but I didn't know I was making a commitment by saying thanks. I never wanted to call them Mom and Dad, and when I realized that was the intention, I called them nothing for years and now I call them by their grandparent names.

I get into situations like the OPs all the time because I think they are treating me like their own child, and so they expect me to act like their own child. Like, why wouldn't I be the one to arrange visits and answer for DH, when I am like their own daughter?

Think through your own "logic," here.

Becoming "their daughter" still doesn't make you squarely in charge. It makes you on the level of DH and his siblings. So they still have other children. So you are one of several people whose responsibility it is to plan and purchase gifts, send cards, etc. Sure, you can be involved. But why would you take charge?!

[Anonymous]

I have no clue when my ILs’ anniversary is or the year. I would absolutely support H if he and his brother wanted to have a party or do something for a milestone anniversary (as in, I would agree that we should spend that kind of $$), but I cannot see it happening. Neither he nor his brother would ever be on top of this and me and BIL’s wife would never take this over.

I organized (with a financial contribution from my brother) a 50th party for our parents but that is the only wedding anniversary that we have celebrated for/with my parents as we were way too young to do anything about the 25th when that rolled around (we were only 12 and 7). They always hired a sitter when we were young (or I sat for my brother in later years) to go out with their two couple best friends who have anniversaries in the same month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually don't remember for sure my own wedding date. I know my parents' was in July (they are both deceased) and we had a big event for their 25th but I don't know the date. And no idea when my in-laws were married. Question is, did FIL remember it???

To be honest, I just don't understand how you don't remember the date you were married?

It's the 18th or the 19th of the month we were married, I think the 19th. But it was a simple ceremony at the courthouse with a small reception with friends after.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's your DH's problem Op
And it shouldn't be a problem, anyway. But some older parents feel there ought to be a big party. They can't arrange it .. it wouldn't be the polite thing to do (in their mind) so their children should take the reins. And shouldn't have to be told this. For a milestone anniversary. But which milestone anniversary is most important to them? One big party is enough. Have DH determine which year they would like this. Zero in on that. Once and that's it.

Right, their children. OP is not their child.

What about when the ILs have decided that their child's spouse is like one of their own children? This appears to be the norm in DH's family, and it comes from a loving place, but it has caused all kinds of awkwardness for me. The day we were married, they told me, "We will consider you our own daughter, and we hope you will consider us another Mom and Dad," or something like that, I wasn't able to process it at the time, but I didn't know I was making a commitment by saying thanks. I never wanted to call them Mom and Dad, and when I realized that was the intention, I called them nothing for years and now I call them by their grandparent names.

I get into situations like the OPs all the time because I think they are treating me like their own child, and so they expect me to act like their own child. Like, why wouldn't I be the one to arrange visits and answer for DH, when I am like their own daughter?

Respectfully, I think this is short-sighted. I’m a DIL who calls her MIL “mom” because she wanted me to and it was fine with me and my mother. Of course she’s not the mother I grew up with, who can’t be replaced, but the name doesn’t change the bond I have with my mother. Then my mom died and my MIL has treated me just like her daughter, which helps fill the void just a little. When I had a huge health issue, it was my MIL who reacted just as my mother would have by pausing everything in her own life and showing up to help immediately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's your DH's problem Op
And it shouldn't be a problem, anyway. But some older parents feel there ought to be a big party. They can't arrange it .. it wouldn't be the polite thing to do (in their mind) so their children should take the reins. And shouldn't have to be told this. For a milestone anniversary. But which milestone anniversary is most important to them? One big party is enough. Have DH determine which year they would like this. Zero in on that. Once and that's it.

Right, their children. OP is not their child.

What about when the ILs have decided that their child's spouse is like one of their own children? This appears to be the norm in DH's family, and it comes from a loving place, but it has caused all kinds of awkwardness for me. The day we were married, they told me, "We will consider you our own daughter, and we hope you will consider us another Mom and Dad," or something like that, I wasn't able to process it at the time, but I didn't know I was making a commitment by saying thanks. I never wanted to call them Mom and Dad, and when I realized that was the intention, I called them nothing for years and now I call them by their grandparent names.

I get into situations like the OPs all the time because I think they are treating me like their own child, and so they expect me to act like their own child. Like, why wouldn't I be the one to arrange visits and answer for DH, when I am like their own daughter?

Respectfully, I think this is short-sighted. I’m a DIL who calls her MIL “mom” because she wanted me to and it was fine with me and my mother. Of course she’s not the mother I grew up with, who can’t be replaced, but the name doesn’t change the bond I have with my mother. Then my mom died and my MIL has treated me just like her daughter, which helps fill the void just a little. When I had a huge health issue, it was my MIL who reacted just as my mother would have by pausing everything in her own life and showing up to help immediately.

Isn’t that nice for you? However, someone else have different feelings and perspective about preferences does not make them “short-sighted.” It makes them different from you. And that is OK.

-np