MIL pissed we didn't acknowledge/remember her wedding anniversary

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually would just let her be pissed. If you give in, I feel like you might be giving her power to think she can control more things in your life. Just send a text, "I'm sorry we forgot your anniversary."

FWIW when I got married, DH didn't know anyone's birthdays or anniversaries. I had to figure it all out and now it's on our iphone calendar. So we missed a lot of them. We dated for years before marriage and never received a Christmas card either. Our first married Christmas, I think we got about 40 from his side. I hadn't even ordered enough Christmas cards to send them back to all those people. Dating to married is a huge change. Suddenly all those people who ignored you for years want to be involved in your life.

This is completely insane to me.

A grown-ass man has lived most of his adult life just fine without you. Remembering birthdays and anniversaries is not "a thing" to him. It's not a priority. It's a dynamic he has chosen not to engage in. You don't have to agree with that choice, but that is HIS CHOICE and it is HIS FAMILY. Those are HIS RELATIONSHIPS.

So you didn't "fix" or "correct" anything. What you did was essentially say that his judgment isn't sound; his choices aren't valid; and that you are here to over-ride his decisions and actions as a grown-ass adult.

And my question to you is: why? Why do you think HIS decisions are yours to fix? Why do you think that HIS relationships are yours to manage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have to acknowledge my dad's anniversary (to Wife #2) but they do not acknowledge mine.

Ugh. Gross. Sorry you have to do that, PP. Both my parents are remarried, put my siblings and I through a circus of a divorce, and I think I'd vomit if I was expected to acknowledge their second marriage anniversaries. Some of these people need to grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually would just let her be pissed. If you give in, I feel like you might be giving her power to think she can control more things in your life. Just send a text, "I'm sorry we forgot your anniversary."

FWIW when I got married, DH didn't know anyone's birthdays or anniversaries. I had to figure it all out and now it's on our iphone calendar. So we missed a lot of them. We dated for years before marriage and never received a Christmas card either. Our first married Christmas, I think we got about 40 from his side. I hadn't even ordered enough Christmas cards to send them back to all those people. Dating to married is a huge change. Suddenly all those people who ignored you for years want to be involved in your life.

This is completely insane to me.

A grown-ass man has lived most of his adult life just fine without you. Remembering birthdays and anniversaries is not "a thing" to him. It's not a priority. It's a dynamic he has chosen not to engage in. You don't have to agree with that choice, but that is HIS CHOICE and it is HIS FAMILY. Those are HIS RELATIONSHIPS.

So you didn't "fix" or "correct" anything. What you did was essentially say that his judgment isn't sound; his choices aren't valid; and that you are here to over-ride his decisions and actions as a grown-ass adult.

And my question to you is: why? Why do you think HIS decisions are yours to fix? Why do you think that HIS relationships are yours to manage?

Agree. Above post is so 1950's. So happy I'm raising my daughter to look for a partner. Not a baby. Not a person to change. A person that she respects and considers an equal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually would just let her be pissed. If you give in, I feel like you might be giving her power to think she can control more things in your life. Just send a text, "I'm sorry we forgot your anniversary."

FWIW when I got married, DH didn't know anyone's birthdays or anniversaries. I had to figure it all out and now it's on our iphone calendar. So we missed a lot of them. We dated for years before marriage and never received a Christmas card either. Our first married Christmas, I think we got about 40 from his side. I hadn't even ordered enough Christmas cards to send them back to all those people. Dating to married is a huge change. Suddenly all those people who ignored you for years want to be involved in your life.

This is completely insane to me.

A grown-ass man has lived most of his adult life just fine without you. Remembering birthdays and anniversaries is not "a thing" to him. It's not a priority. It's a dynamic he has chosen not to engage in. You don't have to agree with that choice, but that is HIS CHOICE and it is HIS FAMILY. Those are HIS RELATIONSHIPS.

So you didn't "fix" or "correct" anything. What you did was essentially say that his judgment isn't sound; his choices aren't valid; and that you are here to over-ride his decisions and actions as a grown-ass adult.

And my question to you is: why? Why do you think HIS decisions are yours to fix? Why do you think that HIS relationships are yours to manage?

pp here. No he did send gifts and such and he wanted to. His sisters or mom would remind him of dates every single time. But they (understandably) stopped that when he got married. They basically enabled him. I'm super organized so I figured it all out after the first year of missing everyone's birthdays. DH buys and sends gifts, but I do make sure it happened.

We did marry young, so he needed husband training still.

[Anonymous]

I would do something for my parents with my siblings. I don't even know my former MIL/FIL anniversary, nor did we do anything when I was married. That's their son's thing to remember, it's his parents.

[Anonymous]

I am also curious if your DH acknowledged it previously and then didn't this year.

I would most certainly NOT take this on as something I'd track and be responsible for.

My MIL sometimes gets us stuff for our anniversary, which I find so weird. I don't need a gift from here celebrating my marriage. It's nice if someone whose not me or DH mentions it, but I do not track other people's anniversaries.

[Anonymous]

My mom (definitely not dad!) wants people to remember and at least say “Happy anniversary.” She will passive aggressively remind us day of or a few days later. I think she’s starting to get that her kids don’t treat anniversaries the same way she does, but she’s still butthurt sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Our adult children generally don't remember our anniversary and it's no big deal. We don't always remember theirs as well but we do remember birthdays. We always do something low key on our anniversary, same with birthdays unless it's a milestone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have to acknowledge my dad's anniversary (to Wife #2) but they do not acknowledge mine.

Does someone have a gun to your head? Otherwise, no, you do not 'have' to acknowledge it. You choose to do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did your husband acknowledge and/or do something for his parents’ anniversary before you married him? Or is this something your MIL now expects after you married him? I find some in-laws expect things of their daughters in law that they never expected from their sons. To which I say: eff off.

+1 Start setting those expectations now.

[Anonymous]

Again with the pissy anniversary people?!?

OP, just so you know: anniversaries are for the two people concerned only. No one else is expected to remember or care, and certainly not celebrate!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually would just let her be pissed. If you give in, I feel like you might be giving her power to think she can control more things in your life. Just send a text, "I'm sorry we forgot your anniversary."

FWIW when I got married, DH didn't know anyone's birthdays or anniversaries. I had to figure it all out and now it's on our iphone calendar. So we missed a lot of them. We dated for years before marriage and never received a Christmas card either. Our first married Christmas, I think we got about 40 from his side. I hadn't even ordered enough Christmas cards to send them back to all those people. Dating to married is a huge change. Suddenly all those people who ignored you for years want to be involved in your life.

This is completely insane to me.

A grown-ass man has lived most of his adult life just fine without you. Remembering birthdays and anniversaries is not "a thing" to him. It's not a priority. It's a dynamic he has chosen not to engage in. You don't have to agree with that choice, but that is HIS CHOICE and it is HIS FAMILY. Those are HIS RELATIONSHIPS.

So you didn't "fix" or "correct" anything. What you did was essentially say that his judgment isn't sound; his choices aren't valid; and that you are here to over-ride his decisions and actions as a grown-ass adult.

And my question to you is: why? Why do you think HIS decisions are yours to fix? Why do you think that HIS relationships are yours to manage?

pp here. No he did send gifts and such and he wanted to. His sisters or mom would remind him of dates every single time. But they (understandably) stopped that when he got married. They basically enabled him. I'm super organized so I figured it all out after the first year of missing everyone's birthdays. DH buys and sends gifts, but I do make sure it happened.

We did marry young, so he needed husband training still.

DP. My siblings and I still text/remind each other about birthdays. My brother (58) just texted a reminder to me about my aunt's birthday and I texted another sibling reminders about my kids' birthdays. We don't expect our siblings' spouses to take up these responsibilities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did your husband acknowledge and/or do something for his parents’ anniversary before you married him? Or is this something your MIL now expects after you married him? I find some in-laws expect things of their daughters in law that they never expected from their sons. To which I say: eff off.

+1 Start setting those expectations now.

+2 If your husband never did anything for his parents' anniversary before, why would that start now? If he did, and he just forgot this year, that's still on him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL sprung this on me a few years ago as well and basically told me that she expects a big party when she and FIL reach a wedding anniversary milestone. I was pretty shocked too. I honestly don't even remember the date or year

Is your spouse their only child? Does your MIL expect you to make the party happen or is she just telling multiple people to make sure it happens?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have to acknowledge my dad's anniversary (to Wife #2) but they do not acknowledge mine.

Ugh. Gross. Sorry you have to do that, PP. Both my parents are remarried, put my siblings and I through a circus of a divorce, and I think I'd vomit if I was expected to acknowledge their second marriage anniversaries. Some of these people need to grow up.

Nope, she doesn't *have* to do that. She chooses to do that. There are no victims here, only volunteers.

If my dad pressured me to do that with no reciprocation, that dynamic would end after one "fool me once" iteration. Point blank period.