MIL pissed we didn't acknowledge/remember her wedding anniversary

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually would just let her be pissed. If you give in, I feel like you might be giving her power to think she can control more things in your life. Just send a text, "I'm sorry we forgot your anniversary."

FWIW when I got married, DH didn't know anyone's birthdays or anniversaries. I had to figure it all out and now it's on our iphone calendar. So we missed a lot of them. We dated for years before marriage and never received a Christmas card either. Our first married Christmas, I think we got about 40 from his side. I hadn't even ordered enough Christmas cards to send them back to all those people. Dating to married is a huge change. Suddenly all those people who ignored you for years want to be involved in your life.

This is completely insane to me.

A grown-ass man has lived most of his adult life just fine without you. Remembering birthdays and anniversaries is not "a thing" to him. It's not a priority. It's a dynamic he has chosen not to engage in. You don't have to agree with that choice, but that is HIS CHOICE and it is HIS FAMILY. Those are HIS RELATIONSHIPS.

So you didn't "fix" or "correct" anything. What you did was essentially say that his judgment isn't sound; his choices aren't valid; and that you are here to over-ride his decisions and actions as a grown-ass adult.

And my question to you is: why? Why do you think HIS decisions are yours to fix? Why do you think that HIS relationships are yours to manage?

pp here. No he did send gifts and such and he wanted to. His sisters or mom would remind him of dates every single time. But they (understandably) stopped that when he got married. They basically enabled him. I'm super organized so I figured it all out after the first year of missing everyone's birthdays. DH buys and sends gifts, but I do make sure it happened.

We did marry young, so he needed husband training still.

NOPE! I married a grown-ass adult. If he chose to cave to mommy and sissy telling him what to do, fine. That's not my issue or my concern. His choices and his adult relationships are not mine to "fix" or manage. If mommy and sissy are disappointed in him not acknowledging their holidays and birthdays and whatnot with gifts and such, they can take it up with HIM.

[Anonymous]

UGh, this is an issue with my ILs and my own parents (both Greatest Generation/Silents). It's like, really, you need a card, flowers and a phone call? I think they believe it's part of the endless gratitude that needs to be shown to them for marrying then bearing us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL sprung this on me a few years ago as well and basically told me that she expects a big party when she and FIL reach a wedding anniversary milestone. I was pretty shocked too. I honestly don't even remember the date or year

Is your spouse their only child? Does your MIL expect you to make the party happen or is she just telling multiple people to make sure it happens?

My response would have been, "oh wow, I think you should start reminding DH now, so he has adequate time to plan - you know how he is with remembering dates!"

[Anonymous]

This is nuts. I don’t know if my adult kids (boys) even know what month my anniversary is. I never did anything for my parents either. Look at it this way—did you attend their wedding?? If not, not yours to celebrate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yes, newlywed and not a big milestone anniversary either. My husband's thinking about sending "I'm sorry" flowers but I really don't want to. I would never expect anyone to remember my wedding anniversary.

Let your husband manage this one, they are his parents.

[Anonymous]

It's your DH's problem Op
And it shouldn't be a problem, anyway. But some older parents feel there ought to be a big party. They can't arrange it .. it wouldn't be the polite thing to do (in their mind) so their children should take the reins. And shouldn't have to be told this. For a milestone anniversary. But which milestone anniversary is most important to them? One big party is enough. Have DH determine which year they would like this. Zero in on that. Once and that's it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have to acknowledge my dad's anniversary (to Wife #2) but they do not acknowledge mine.

Someone is holding a gun to your head or are you hoping on getting an inheritance?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's your DH's problem Op
And it shouldn't be a problem, anyway. But some older parents feel there ought to be a big party. They can't arrange it .. it wouldn't be the polite thing to do (in their mind) so their children should take the reins. And shouldn't have to be told this. For a milestone anniversary. But which milestone anniversary is most important to them? One big party is enough. Have DH determine which year they would like this. Zero in on that. Once and that's it.

Right, their children. OP is not their child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's your DH's problem Op
And it shouldn't be a problem, anyway. But some older parents feel there ought to be a big party. They can't arrange it .. it wouldn't be the polite thing to do (in their mind) so their children should take the reins. And shouldn't have to be told this. For a milestone anniversary. But which milestone anniversary is most important to them? One big party is enough. Have DH determine which year they would like this. Zero in on that. Once and that's it.

Right, their children. OP is not their child.

What about when the ILs have decided that their child's spouse is like one of their own children? This appears to be the norm in DH's family, and it comes from a loving place, but it has caused all kinds of awkwardness for me. The day we were married, they told me, "We will consider you our own daughter, and we hope you will consider us another Mom and Dad," or something like that, I wasn't able to process it at the time, but I didn't know I was making a commitment by saying thanks. I never wanted to call them Mom and Dad, and when I realized that was the intention, I called them nothing for years and now I call them by their grandparent names.

I get into situations like the OPs all the time because I think they are treating me like their own child, and so they expect me to act like their own child. Like, why wouldn't I be the one to arrange visits and answer for DH, when I am like their own daughter?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's your DH's problem Op
And it shouldn't be a problem, anyway. But some older parents feel there ought to be a big party. They can't arrange it .. it wouldn't be the polite thing to do (in their mind) so their children should take the reins. And shouldn't have to be told this. For a milestone anniversary. But which milestone anniversary is most important to them? One big party is enough. Have DH determine which year they would like this. Zero in on that. Once and that's it.

Right, their children. OP is not their child.

What about when the ILs have decided that their child's spouse is like one of their own children? This appears to be the norm in DH's family, and it comes from a loving place, but it has caused all kinds of awkwardness for me. The day we were married, they told me, "We will consider you our own daughter, and we hope you will consider us another Mom and Dad," or something like that, I wasn't able to process it at the time, but I didn't know I was making a commitment by saying thanks. I never wanted to call them Mom and Dad, and when I realized that was the intention, I called them nothing for years and now I call them by their grandparent names.

I get into situations like the OPs all the time because I think they are treating me like their own child, and so they expect me to act like their own child. Like, why wouldn't I be the one to arrange visits and answer for DH, when I am like their own daughter?

That's a very common phrase. My in laws said the same. And we have a lot of love and respect between us. That doesn't translate to "you have to behave a certain way" in return. It doesn't mean you have to take responsibility for acknowledging your in laws' anniversary when you have a perfectly mature husband who can handle that on behalf of the two of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's your DH's problem Op
And it shouldn't be a problem, anyway. But some older parents feel there ought to be a big party. They can't arrange it .. it wouldn't be the polite thing to do (in their mind) so their children should take the reins. And shouldn't have to be told this. For a milestone anniversary. But which milestone anniversary is most important to them? One big party is enough. Have DH determine which year they would like this. Zero in on that. Once and that's it.

Right, their children. OP is not their child.

What about when the ILs have decided that their child's spouse is like one of their own children? This appears to be the norm in DH's family, and it comes from a loving place, but it has caused all kinds of awkwardness for me. The day we were married, they told me, "We will consider you our own daughter, and we hope you will consider us another Mom and Dad," or something like that, I wasn't able to process it at the time, but I didn't know I was making a commitment by saying thanks. I never wanted to call them Mom and Dad, and when I realized that was the intention, I called them nothing for years and now I call them by their grandparent names.

I get into situations like the OPs all the time because I think they are treating me like their own child, and so they expect me to act like their own child. Like, why wouldn't I be the one to arrange visits and answer for DH, when I am like their own daughter?

While I care for my in laws, I am not going to step up and go above and beyond for them like I would for my actual parents, who dedicated their lives to me and raised me. To me, the title of Mom and Dad is earned, and these are people I met as an adult. They're nice enough, but Mom and Dad? Nah.

They can "decide" whatever you want. You don't actually have to comply.

[Anonymous]

I get into situations like the OPs all the time because I think they are treating me like their own child, and so they expect me to act like their own child. Like, why wouldn't I be the one to arrange visits and answer for DH, when I am like their own daughter?

Nope

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's your DH's problem Op
And it shouldn't be a problem, anyway. But some older parents feel there ought to be a big party. They can't arrange it .. it wouldn't be the polite thing to do (in their mind) so their children should take the reins. And shouldn't have to be told this. For a milestone anniversary. But which milestone anniversary is most important to them? One big party is enough. Have DH determine which year they would like this. Zero in on that. Once and that's it.

Right, their children. OP is not their child.

What about when the ILs have decided that their child's spouse is like one of their own children? This appears to be the norm in DH's family, and it comes from a loving place, but it has caused all kinds of awkwardness for me. The day we were married, they told me, "We will consider you our own daughter, and we hope you will consider us another Mom and Dad," or something like that, I wasn't able to process it at the time, but I didn't know I was making a commitment by saying thanks. I never wanted to call them Mom and Dad, and when I realized that was the intention, I called them nothing for years and now I call them by their grandparent names.

I get into situations like the OPs all the time because I think they are treating me like their own child, and so they expect me to act like their own child. Like, why wouldn't I be the one to arrange visits and answer for DH, when I am like their own daughter?

Oh man I feel the same. I even like my inlaws, but I have a mom and a dad. Names mean something to me. So I spoke up and said, "thank you, but I prefer to call you by your first names if you don't mind. I don't mean any disrespect." They probably did mind. Sadly I then got 2 brother in laws a decade later who called our inlaws mom and dad. Whatever, I can be the least favorite.

We met/married young and I have ALWAYS felt like I was their child. Some has been strange (like sharing beds with my sister in law before marriage), some very nice (they give me gifts and include me). The first inlaw has it the worst I think. My brothers in law were welcomed with open arms and my inlaws adore BIL's parents. My parents are ignored and don't even get wedding invites.

I just let it all roll off my back and try not to fixate on anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's your DH's problem Op
And it shouldn't be a problem, anyway. But some older parents feel there ought to be a big party. They can't arrange it .. it wouldn't be the polite thing to do (in their mind) so their children should take the reins. And shouldn't have to be told this. For a milestone anniversary. But which milestone anniversary is most important to them? One big party is enough. Have DH determine which year they would like this. Zero in on that. Once and that's it.

Right, their children. OP is not their child.

What about when the ILs have decided that their child's spouse is like one of their own children? This appears to be the norm in DH's family, and it comes from a loving place, but it has caused all kinds of awkwardness for me. The day we were married, they told me, "We will consider you our own daughter, and we hope you will consider us another Mom and Dad," or something like that, I wasn't able to process it at the time, but I didn't know I was making a commitment by saying thanks. I never wanted to call them Mom and Dad, and when I realized that was the intention, I called them nothing for years and now I call them by their grandparent names.

I get into situations like the OPs all the time because I think they are treating me like their own child, and so they expect me to act like their own child. Like, why wouldn't I be the one to arrange visits and answer for DH, when I am like their own daughter?

Oh man I feel the same. I even like my inlaws, but I have a mom and a dad. Names mean something to me. So I spoke up and said, "thank you, but I prefer to call you by your first names if you don't mind. I don't mean any disrespect." They probably did mind. Sadly I then got 2 brother in laws a decade later who called our inlaws mom and dad. Whatever, I can be the least favorite.

We met/married young and I have ALWAYS felt like I was their child. Some has been strange (like sharing beds with my sister in law before marriage), some very nice (they give me gifts and include me). The first inlaw has it the worst I think. My brothers in law were welcomed with open arms and my inlaws adore BIL's parents. My parents are ignored and don't even get wedding invites.

I just let it all roll off my back and try not to fixate on anything.

Why would your parents get invited to, like, your husband’s brother’s wedding?!

[Anonymous]

The one an only lesson a newlywed should master is that they should be OK with in-laws' being pissed at them.

Never get into the habit of kow-towing, doing their dirty work, and for DILs in particular, planning, hosting or remembering people and dates.

The earlier you train the in-laws, the easier it will be. Keep expectations as low as possible.