My mom is furious that I took my DD to get her hair cut

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My almost 5 DD has long curly hair and has had a few trims but this is the first time she requested to get it cut shorter. She said it was aggravating her and really wanted it cut. We took her today and got it cut just passed her shoulders. It looks adorable and she loves it but my mom is furious. She said that my DD is too young to make a decision like that, and I should have known bette than to let a 4yr old choose to cut her hair. She now won’t even speak to me. Was I really wrong to let my DD choose to get a hair cut? I mean it’s not like she got it all cut off. Yes her hair was super long and gorgeous before but she was getting annoyed with it.

Jesus - mark this in the win column and enjoy it for as long as it lasts (which won't be long).

And be vigilant about protecting your daughter from your mother in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In general, 4 year olds are too young to make decisions for themselves. However, you clearly are old enough to make decisions for her as her mother. And your decision was to go with her preference on her haircut. (I would have made the same decision with my daughter.) Your mother is not only being ridiculous, she is way out of line. And she is disrespecting you as a mother. I’d expect a major apology from her before resuming any sort of contact.

Agree with this. I make the hair/clothing etc decisions for my young kids, but generally go along with their preferences. You didn’t send your DD alone into the salon with a credit card and let her come out with a green Mohawk. She asked for slightly shorter hair and you agreed. You took her to the salon and paid for the cut, so it was as much your decision as hers.

And honestly, what would be the problem if she did? (Other than giving a 4 yo a credit card, that is.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mom is being ridiculous.

+1

I thought it would be a Covid argument, this is just ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom does things like this and she is a narcissist. Just ignore her for a few months and she will get over it. Also, maybe decide not to let her in on things that might provoke her. I was stuck in a cycle of trying to please her and getting her "advice" on things until I realized it was unhealthy for me to be doing this. Now we just talk about superficial things that won't set her off. Good luck. It's quite a loss to realize that you can't have a normal mother-daughter relationship.

This. Boundaries are hugely important. When they feel awful it’s a sign that there is something more to uncover there. Why do you seek your mother’s approval? Etc. I echo the PP who suggested therapy. I never knew how much I needed it but would often joke about my “crazy ha ha” mom. It’s not crazy. It’s damaging to attachment and makes love conditional. Therapy and boundaries have also helped my own kids by how I parent. My DD said a while back, about my mom, “she listened to me but she didn’t hear me.” That was a gut punch (awful to realize this about your grandma!) but she was 100% right and I am so proud she noticed and can express that feeling. Good luck to you and good job listening to your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Allowing your kid a voice in decisions that affect them is a good thing. Up until my daughter was 5 I picked out her clothes for school the night before and never thought much about it. One day she got frustrated and said 'you're only thinking about what you want, you're only thinking about yourself, you're not thinking about me' and I said your right. From then on the rule was she would pick out her clothes the night before but if she forgot I would pick them out and she had to wear what I wanted. It was good for her and saved me time, although I'll admit her 'I only wear black' a six was hard to take.

Ha! I also had a preschooler whose favorite color was black starting at age 3! Her second favorite was brown then white. This lasted until first grade when she started to like red.

[Anonymous]

Your mother sounds toxic, OP. I do hope this thread is eye-opening to you. You need to think about her influence on your life and what boundaries you need to draw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom does things like this and she is a narcissist. Just ignore her for a few months and she will get over it. Also, maybe decide not to let her in on things that might provoke her. I was stuck in a cycle of trying to please her and getting her "advice" on things until I realized it was unhealthy for me to be doing this. Now we just talk about superficial things that won't set her off. Good luck. It's quite a loss to realize that you can't have a normal mother-daughter relationship.

+1 Same experience here. OP, let this be a signal to create a new distant relationship with your mom.

[Anonymous]

She is old enough to choose but you are a fool for taking her to a hair salon for a haircut! Cut it yourself. I found a barber shop with a beautician where you have to make appointmrnt and I my two customers allowed at a time. No chemicals and women wash their hair prior to appt. Socially distanced and everyone wearing masks.

[Anonymous]

My DD at 4 years old insisted on getting her hair cut into a pixie. I spent a few weeks trying to ensure she understood that it would take over a year to grow back to the length it was but she was adamant. The first stylist actually butchered it and I had to take her to my own stylist to fix (learned a valuable lesson there, myself) but a week later she said "okay, I want to go get my hair cut long again."

🤦🏻‍♀️

I was like "ohh, sweetie. It doesn't work that way. Remember? We talked about this." She would bring it up about once a month for the next year how she missed her long hair. My best friend said she was glad I supported my daughter's choices even at a young age and that's how I felt about it, too. If anyone else had an opinion about it they knew me well enough to keep it to themselves.

Still, I'd do it all over again and will let my other DDs go short if they want to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell your mom to suck it, her opinion is invalid and never to offer one again.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell your mom to suck it, her opinion is invalid and never to offer one again.

This

Terrible advice to speak to your mother in such a disrespectful way. You are teaching your child to speak to you like the bitch you are.

[Anonymous]

I agree your mom should suck it. But also as a point of clarification - YOU (the child's mother) decided to get her hair cut. You took your daughters wishes into consideration, but you're the one who drove there, paid for it, and decided it was a good idea and would happen.

Your mom isn't mad that your child decided, your mom is mad she didn't get to decide and you did instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your mom is being ridiculous.

+1

I thought it would be a Covid argument, this is just ridiculous.

I also thought this would be a covid issue, which I could honestly get behind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So this is not Covid related?

No, has nothing to do with covid. She was extremely controlling of me as a child, borderline abusive, however she typically not as critical of her my kids. She cares a lot about what other people think, in an obsessive way.

I suspect it wasn’t really borderline, but your view of what is normal may be skewed at this point.

Sigh, I'm a PP earlier in the thread that suggested therapy. I realize now it sounded flippant. I really meant it. I have a similar relationship with my family. It took having kids to open my eyes to the boundary-crossing and disrespect. So far she hasn't targeted your kids probably because they are young. That will change as they get more opinions about their life. You did well to do what was best for your family. Expect pushback to "punish" you for not doing what they want. Keep an eye on your kids and your mom's influence on them.

+10000

Signed, adult child of NPD mom who ended up not only learning a ton about healthy relationships and boundaries in therapy, but ultimately was diagnosed with C-PTSD due to years of emotional abuse and did EMDR to help recover. OP, your mom is totally out of line on about 400 different levels.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD at 4 years old insisted on getting her hair cut into a pixie. I spent a few weeks trying to ensure she understood that it would take over a year to grow back to the length it was but she was adamant. The first stylist actually butchered it and I had to take her to my own stylist to fix (learned a valuable lesson there, myself) but a week later she said "okay, I want to go get my hair cut long again."

🤦🏻‍♀️

I was like "ohh, sweetie. It doesn't work that way. Remember? We talked about this." She would bring it up about once a month for the next year how she missed her long hair. My best friend said she was glad I supported my daughter's choices even at a young age and that's how I felt about it, too. If anyone else had an opinion about it they knew me well enough to keep it to themselves.

Still, I'd do it all over again and will let my other DDs go short if they want to.

Yep. Your kid learned something useful, in a very low-stakes situation.