My mom is furious that I took my DD to get her hair cut

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So this is not Covid related?

No, has nothing to do with covid. She was extremely controlling of me as a child, borderline abusive, however she typically not as critical of her my kids. She cares a lot about what other people think, in an obsessive way.

I suspect it wasn’t really borderline, but your view of what is normal may be skewed at this point.

[Anonymous]

My 5-year-old has long hair because she wants it like that. It's a PITA to maintain it, but it's not that big of a deal and we just won't force her to chop it all off as long as she lets us take care of it. I think she was around 2 when she started telling us how she'd like her hair and we let her choose. Why would we not?

[Anonymous]

If you ever wondered whether or not your mom was crazy, this confirmed it. She's crazy. So now work around that - tell her almost nothing. Zero details. Be vague. "I'm not sure of our plans yet" "Just a bunch of errands" "You know - just keeping busy."

And when she finds out about something you've done that she disapproves of and freaks and asks why you didn't tell her you can say "Because you react JUST LIKE THIS." And then hang up.

[Anonymous]

My grandma LOVED my curly hair. Hers was straight, and she always hated it. Wonder if there was any element of the Grandma living vicariously through the granddaughter.

As the grandchild of a crazy lady, keep strong boundaries between grandma and the grandkids.

[Anonymous]

You made the decision to get your daughters hair cut based on her input. You are her parent. Its also your job to protect your child. Not your moms. Grow up. I wouldn't even think twice about this. Your mom sounds mentally ill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You made the decision to get your daughters hair cut based on her input. You are her parent. Its also your job to protect your child. Not your moms. Grow up. I wouldn't even think twice about this. Your mom sounds mentally ill.

Agreed. Good job mom. Dont let your mom get to you.

[Anonymous]

My mom does things like this and she is a narcissist. Just ignore her for a few months and she will get over it. Also, maybe decide not to let her in on things that might provoke her. I was stuck in a cycle of trying to please her and getting her "advice" on things until I realized it was unhealthy for me to be doing this. Now we just talk about superficial things that won't set her off. Good luck. It's quite a loss to realize that you can't have a normal mother-daughter relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your mom not realize that hair grows back?

You did fine, OP. You have to give kids agency, especially over their bodies, and hair is a good place to start.

Are you seeing your mom in person? Any chance that what she's actually concerned about is the covid risk of an indoor haircut?

No, she doesn’t think kids should choose things like the clothes they wear, what activities they do, and clearly if they get hair cuts.

I was raised like this and it really sucked. I had absolutely no choice in clothing, hair, room decoration/style etc until around late ES. It's all about exerting control over children. Thank you OP for breaking that cycle with your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My almost 5 DD has long curly hair and has had a few trims but this is the first time she requested to get it cut shorter. She said it was aggravating her and really wanted it cut. We took her today and got it cut just passed her shoulders. It looks adorable and she loves it but my mom is furious. She said that my DD is too young to make a decision like that, and I should have known better than to let a 4yr old choose to cut her hair. She now won’t even speak to me. Was I really wrong to let my DD choose to get a hair cut? I mean it’s not like she got it all cut off. Yes her hair was super long and gorgeous before but she was getting annoyed with it.

It's hair, it grows back. More specifically it's your daughters hair to do with as SHE pleases. It's not a tattoo or some sort of body modification. You need to put your mom in her place now or you and your DD will grow to resent her and her judgement as she grows up. You are the mother and you make the decisions and if you decide your daughter gets control over hair then that's final. Stand up for your DD.

[Anonymous]

Allowing your kid a voice in decisions that affect them is a good thing. Up until my daughter was 5 I picked out her clothes for school the night before and never thought much about it. One day she got frustrated and said 'you're only thinking about what you want, you're only thinking about yourself, you're not thinking about me' and I said your right. From then on the rule was she would pick out her clothes the night before but if she forgot I would pick them out and she had to wear what I wanted. It was good for her and saved me time, although I'll admit her 'I only wear black' a six was hard to take.

[Anonymous]

Your mom is crazy and it sounds like you need to work on boundary issues. If this is a theme with your mom (and/or others), you should consider working with a therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, I thought this was going to be about covid. No, your mom is completely wrong.

Also, as somebody whose mom refused to let me get a haircut until I was a teen, good for you and your daughter. Our parents' generation is weirdly sentimental about kids not getting their hair cut.

Agree with pp. I thought she'd be mad you took her to a salon during a pandemic and it turns out she's upset about you letting her get her hair cut? Hair that grows back?! Do not put up with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All of these "her body her choice" commenters probably won't sing the same tune if she wants a tattoo or nose piercing in middle school.

In middle school? You're right. I think that's too young to be permitted to make permanent body modifications. And since you have to be 18 to get those things done, they would need my permission, and I would refuse it. Hair grows back. I would let her choose what kind of haircut she wanted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So this is not Covid related?

No, has nothing to do with covid. She was extremely controlling of me as a child, borderline abusive, however she typically not as critical of her my kids. She cares a lot about what other people think, in an obsessive way.

I suspect it wasn’t really borderline, but your view of what is normal may be skewed at this point.

Sigh, I'm a PP earlier in the thread that suggested therapy. I realize now it sounded flippant. I really meant it. I have a similar relationship with my family. It took having kids to open my eyes to the boundary-crossing and disrespect. So far she hasn't targeted your kids probably because they are young. That will change as they get more opinions about their life. You did well to do what was best for your family. Expect pushback to "punish" you for not doing what they want. Keep an eye on your kids and your mom's influence on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Allowing your kid a voice in decisions that affect them is a good thing. Up until my daughter was 5 I picked out her clothes for school the night before and never thought much about it. One day she got frustrated and said 'you're only thinking about what you want, you're only thinking about yourself, you're not thinking about me' and I said your right. From then on the rule was she would pick out her clothes the night before but if she forgot I would pick them out and she had to wear what I wanted. It was good for her and saved me time, although I'll admit her 'I only wear black' a six was hard to take.

I love your daughter.