Ok...let me rephrase this. How do I find the courage to leave my abusive DH?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im sorry you are going through this. I got therapy and then I left. probably took about 2 months from the point when I decided enough was enoughl

OP here. I just so desperately want this to work. I want him to stop. I want to stop my wrongdoings. I want to be happy with him. It sucks so so so badly. Maybe I’m afraid to talk about it with a therapist because it makes it real. Idk. I’m just so hurt and lost.

The whole “I want to stop my wrongdoings” is your longtime abuse talking. Nobody deserves mental or physical abuse. Nothing you did would warrant that reaction. You are worthy of being treated with respect and kindness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your children will resent you for staying in harm's way and keeping them in harm's way.

You could die. They could die.

This is not helpful. Statistically, she is far more likely to die if she tries to leave. That doesn't mean she shouldn't leave, but this mindless nonsense meant to make abuse survivors feel even guiltier for their abusers' actions is counterfactual.

OP here. This is my thought process. While I don't think he'd actually do that (but really, who does think their spouse ever would), I feel that, knowing him, it'd be more dangerous for me to leave than stay. :/

OP my father was very similar. It’s going to get worse over time. The fact that you think he’s going to kill you for leaving is very telling. Install a hidden camera and get evidence. Your financial irresponsibility is less a reflection of you and more a response to his verbal abuse. You’re living a terrible life, and time is passing. Get out before you have absolutely nothing left. Get the money you need and GO!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t see your prior thread. You mention stealing and lying as a dynamic in the cycle of violence - can you say a little more about that?

OP here. In regards to physical violence, my husband does it when I lie to him about finances and use up money from savings/move money around to use on random things. I handle all of the bills and money, so when I’m in a bind or when I want to use money, I grab it from savings or from bills that need to be paid. This leaves us with no savings and bills unpaid. He gets very angry about it and resorts to physically abusing me. I’d say it happens 3-4 times per year. I never tell him about the money issues, he just finds out from either randomly seeing the savings account or getting a letter in the mail about something not being paid. I’ll add that I’ve also gotten physical with him. When he doesn’t listen to me/dismisses me/ignores me I can get very angry and start throwing things on the floor or getting in his face. As long as we aren’t “triggered” by those very specific events (my hatred for being dismissed and his hatred for me stealing money and lying) these physical altercations don’t happen.

Separately, my husband is emotionally and verbally abusive. Says things like “are you stupid?” “You are just sensitive.” “You’re crazy.” What I feel as a need to be in control, husband says is he just wants to be respected and included in what’s going on. He just wants me to “communicate.” I sometimes feel that the dynamic of our relationship has caused him to feel negatively about me, thinking I’m stupid/worthless, thus causing his verbal responses and lack of emotional care for me. I feel he doesn’t care that I’m emotional or crying about something because he’s numb toward me. He doesn’t feel that I’ve contributed anything to our family (I make money but blow it, horrible credit, etc. He’s the one who got us our house, he’s the one that at least has some type of savings, he has good credit so can get credit cards and whatever else).

I’ll add that I don’t believe my husband WANTS me to have bad credit and no money so that I have to depend on him. He doesn’t want that responsibility. He would prefer that I get my shxt together and be a contributor to the household.

I just realized I went on a rant here, but I hope this helps you better understand. This is why I say I don’t feel like I’m a victim, maybe I did deserve some of this, etc. I’m just as f’ed up as my husband, in different ways.

Using money in savings to pay bills for both of you is not “stealing.”

[Anonymous]

OP, a lot of physically abusive relationships are codependent and/or toxic in other ways. Even victims can come to feel addicted to the relationship, no matter how bad it is. However, just because you are not perfect does not mean you should live in fear for your physical safety.

You need to know that, whatever your transgressions, you are not making your husband hurt you. That is a choice he is making for himself. Only he can make different choices; you can’t control that for him. Many people try to appease their abuser, to be good enough not to deserve abuse. It is a common thought pattern, but not a strategy that works for any length of time.

Over time toxic relationships destroy self esteem. They can also push buttons installed by your past, which further degrades your self esteem. I hope you will seek positive relationships and positive life experiences that build you up. It could be volunteering, a social group, exercise, a new hobby, anything that helps you feel better about yourself. I hope also that you will establish friendships that nourish you. Understanding your worth will be key to moving forward, even well after you have left the abuse. It is probably worth exploring in therapy why you feel so badly about yourself. These things can come from unresolved past trauma.

Your husband has shown you who he is. I know that leaving feels scary and final. However, waiting for things to change is not a reasonable strategy. Many people speak about toxic people as having “let the mask slip.” Unless and until your husband addresses what drives his violence, this is who he is. The positive memories were a mask. Who someone is in their most challenging life moments is revelatory of that person’s true character. Feeling angry, down, depressed, anxious, etc. is never an excuse for treating someone poorly. Healthy adults learn to experience these emotions without harm to themselves or others.

Denying the severity of abuse and having an avoidant response to finding solutions are normal reactions. All of us would like to get through the difficult phases in life with as little additional strife as possible. But if your alarm bells are going off and you are reaching out to strangers online for help, you know that you either cannot tolerate this any longer, the abuse is becoming more severe, or both. Magical thinking and hopes of reconciliation are not the key to moving you forward. Even if you were “perfect,” your husband is a high risk person to be around. Abusive people are not really looking to be appeased. They are looking to feel better about their out-of-control inner lives by exerting control over others. Sometimes they don’t plan on hitting someone else, but their lack of self control, difficulty with empathy, and lack of other strategies to deal with conflict drive them to that point again and again.

Last, I want to caution you to be careful in your online communications. Even if you use a private browser window to conceal your posts about the abuse, browser history can sometimes be determined through your router. Domestic abuse organizations can give you more info. about online safety and concealing your actions.

I am wishing you well in your journey through this difficult time. You will be past this, hopefully some day soon.

[Anonymous]

Let me guess OP, nothing has changed

[Anonymous]

I would get some adults involved in your situation, specifically a lawyer and a therapist. People tend to behave better once they find out their behavior is being observed, witnessed, and documented by independent parties.