Ok...let me rephrase this. How do I find the courage to leave my abusive DH?

[Anonymous]

Based on update, OP, you need to be making a plan to leave AND get your financial behavior under control. Both are a very poor example for your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t see your prior thread. You mention stealing and lying as a dynamic in the cycle of violence - can you say a little more about that?

OP here. In regards to physical violence, my husband does it when I lie to him about finances and use up money from savings/move money around to use on random things. I handle all of the bills and money, so when I’m in a bind or when I want to use money, I grab it from savings or from bills that need to be paid. This leaves us with no savings and bills unpaid. He gets very angry about it and resorts to physically abusing me. I’d say it happens 3-4 times per year. I never tell him about the money issues, he just finds out from either randomly seeing the savings account or getting a letter in the mail about something not being paid. I’ll add that I’ve also gotten physical with him. When he doesn’t listen to me/dismisses me/ignores me I can get very angry and start throwing things on the floor or getting in his face. As long as we aren’t “triggered” by those very specific events (my hatred for being dismissed and his hatred for me stealing money and lying) these physical altercations don’t happen.

Separately, my husband is emotionally and verbally abusive. Says things like “are you stupid?” “You are just sensitive.” “You’re crazy.” What I feel as a need to be in control, husband says is he just wants to be respected and included in what’s going on. He just wants me to “communicate.” I sometimes feel that the dynamic of our relationship has caused him to feel negatively about me, thinking I’m stupid/worthless, thus causing his verbal responses and lack of emotional care for me. I feel he doesn’t care that I’m emotional or crying about something because he’s numb toward me. He doesn’t feel that I’ve contributed anything to our family (I make money but blow it, horrible credit, etc. He’s the one who got us our house, he’s the one that at least has some type of savings, he has good credit so can get credit cards and whatever else).

I’ll add that I don’t believe my husband WANTS me to have bad credit and no money so that I have to depend on him. He doesn’t want that responsibility. He would prefer that I get my shxt together and be a contributor to the household.

I just realized I went on a rant here, but I hope this helps you better understand. This is why I say I don’t feel like I’m a victim, maybe I did deserve some of this, etc. I’m just as f’ed up as my husband, in different ways.

Even with the dysfunction you describe (which it sounds like you are owning) you do not deserve to be beaten. Ever.

[Anonymous]

My high school classmate was murdered last year by her abusive husband. She tried to leave many times. He promised to do better. Got back together with him. Police were called for domestic abuse several times. It went on for years and years. One morning he shot her and then himself. Their kids are now orphans. Run away as far as you can and take your kids with you. Get help.

[Anonymous]

while your financial choices are irresponsible, this does not excuse his behavior nor should you condone it that way. You need to stop being so selfish and think about your children, they have no hope for a normal life in this situation. Get out and learn to make better financial decisions while doing so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your children will resent you for staying in harm's way and keeping them in harm's way.

You could die. They could die.

This is not helpful. Statistically, she is far more likely to die if she tries to leave. That doesn't mean she shouldn't leave, but this mindless nonsense meant to make abuse survivors feel even guiltier for their abusers' actions is counterfactual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your children will resent you for staying in harm's way and keeping them in harm's way.

You could die. They could die.

This is not helpful. Statistically, she is far more likely to die if she tries to leave. That doesn't mean she shouldn't leave, but this mindless nonsense meant to make abuse survivors feel even guiltier for their abusers' actions is counterfactual.

OP here. This is my thought process. While I don't think he'd actually do that (but really, who does think their spouse ever would), I feel that, knowing him, it'd be more dangerous for me to leave than stay. :/

[Anonymous]

Op, nothing nothing nothing nothing you have ever done or ever will do me as you deserve abuse. Nothing. You are worthy of respect and love.

My father was an abuser and it got worse and worse and worse. He almost killed her several times before she left. I wish she had left sooner, because your children only have one childhood.

Go talk to a lawyer, tell a small group of friends or relatives you need protection and GO!

PS my mom now was a wonderful life which she probably wouldn’t be living if she had stayed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Call doorways in Virginia. Hopefully you don’t have kids. Pack what you can, go directly to the bank, take out 1/2 and open a new account at another bank. Have a safe place planned to go. Good luck you can do it!

This is all assuming there is money and she has access to it. I have neither with my abusive STBX.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please do this. Set up a hidden camera or two. If he’s done it once he will do it again.

Watch American Murder. When Shanaan came home that night she had no clue that it would be her last night on earth.

Please leave. ASAP.

This is idiotic. First, check your state laws before you go secretly taping people in your house. Second, no evidence of any abuse happening in the Watts' marriage prior to the murders. False equivalency.

[Anonymous]

Good Lord CPS needs to be involved at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t see your prior thread. You mention stealing and lying as a dynamic in the cycle of violence - can you say a little more about that?

OP here. In regards to physical violence, my husband does it when I lie to him about finances and use up money from savings/move money around to use on random things. I handle all of the bills and money, so when I’m in a bind or when I want to use money, I grab it from savings or from bills that need to be paid. This leaves us with no savings and bills unpaid. He gets very angry about it and resorts to physically abusing me. I’d say it happens 3-4 times per year. I never tell him about the money issues, he just finds out from either randomly seeing the savings account or getting a letter in the mail about something not being paid. I’ll add that I’ve also gotten physical with him. When he doesn’t listen to me/dismisses me/ignores me I can get very angry and start throwing things on the floor or getting in his face. As long as we aren’t “triggered” by those very specific events (my hatred for being dismissed and his hatred for me stealing money and lying) these physical altercations don’t happen.

Separately, my husband is emotionally and verbally abusive. Says things like “are you stupid?” “You are just sensitive.” “You’re crazy.” What I feel as a need to be in control, husband says is he just wants to be respected and included in what’s going on. He just wants me to “communicate.” I sometimes feel that the dynamic of our relationship has caused him to feel negatively about me, thinking I’m stupid/worthless, thus causing his verbal responses and lack of emotional care for me. I feel he doesn’t care that I’m emotional or crying about something because he’s numb toward me. He doesn’t feel that I’ve contributed anything to our family (I make money but blow it, horrible credit, etc. He’s the one who got us our house, he’s the one that at least has some type of savings, he has good credit so can get credit cards and whatever else).

I’ll add that I don’t believe my husband WANTS me to have bad credit and no money so that I have to depend on him. He doesn’t want that responsibility. He would prefer that I get my shxt together and be a contributor to the household.

I just realized I went on a rant here, but I hope this helps you better understand. This is why I say I don’t feel like I’m a victim, maybe I did deserve some of this, etc. I’m just as f’ed up as my husband, in different ways.

Even with the dysfunction you describe (which it sounds like you are owning) you do not deserve to be beaten. Ever.

You are abusive -- you have gotten physical, yelling at him, throwing stuff, being financially abusive, etc. The fact that you have been abusive does not at all excuse his abusive behaviors.

News flash -- there are no "triggers" for abusive behavior. No person or situation forces you to behave the way you describe. This is a very common belief of abusers -- someone or something made me so angry and I just couldn't control it. You can control it or learn to control it. You don't behave that way to your boss, do you?

You can only control you. Get therapy to help yourself change whether you stay or leave. Personally, I experienced emotional and verbal abuse and the threat of physical abuse, but no actual hitting. I thought about what I would advise my daughter to do if she came to me and described her boyfriend behaving to her the way her dad behaved to me. I would advise her to get out ASAP. I could never advise her to do so credibly, if I hadn't taken my own advise.

Ironically, one of my DCs did fall into an abusive relationship, and it did give me credibility that I spoke from a place of personal experience and had clearly made the hard decision, despite the risks.

[Anonymous]

You don’t love him. You love the idea of him. The person you think he can be. So when he gives you a crumb that he’s going to be that person you wish he would be, you stay. But that’s not really him. You know who he really is. Staying and hoping won’t change that.

Plus, the domestic violence cycle can be very addictive. The flood of adrenaline. The oxytocin when you are in the honeymoon phase. Then the tension building phase until BOOM—adrenaline rush again. Not saying you like it. Just that your brain has gotten used to the up-down cycle.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are not "stealing" money. You are using joint funds, which belong to both of you, in an irresponsible manner.

[Anonymous]

How old are your children? Hopefully there is still hope for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:GO TO THERAPY. It will help you to mentally prepare to leave. If you can't afford it, let us know, and we will provide solutions. You will get through this, one step at a time.

He'll know she is in therapy and see the reimbursement claims and this could only escalate things or be a point for gaslighting. I agree totally that therapy will be part of the process, but if you are being physically abused the first point should be to identify an exit plan to secure your physical security and that of your children. I have a zero tolerance policy for physical abuse, and yes, I have been in a relationship like that. I left the country, changed my phone number, and basically "disappeared." I didn't have kids though, and that's a huge factor. I agree with the posters saying to call a domestic violence hotline for advice and to start planning your escape. It may be that, an escape, and it may be somewhat dramatic, but there are many resources available. But get a "this is my 5 min escape with the kids into the back of a blacked out car at 3am escape" plan in place. Then be willing to execute on that, imminently. Have the finances in order, a secret fund if possible, and multiple resources lined up to help. You can get through this, but you're going to need some serious grit. Forget anything about your "wrongdoings." This is abuser talk.

There is free therapy via Fairfax County Domestic Violence program, calling the hotline to get info on options if you are in a different country:

https://www.fairfaxcounty.gov/familyservices/domestic-sexual-violence