Ok...let me rephrase this. How do I find the courage to leave my abusive DH?

[Anonymous]

You need to stop with the fantasy world that this guy should ever be in your life.

Do you want your kids to grow up without a mother? Put them first and forget about this pos.

[Anonymous]

First step: Do you have a job?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have children?

We do. More than one.

Do you want your sons to learn about what it means to be a husband from what he sees about how your husband treats you? Do you want your daughters to learn about how a partner should treat them? By staying you are basically telling them that’s what a normal relationship looks like.

This isn’t about your “wrong doings.” This is about what you want for your kids and facing the reality that what you want from a relationship will never, ever happen with this person. You deserve more and so do your kids.

Please. please call a domestic abuse hotline and just talk. You can always hang up and try again if you get too scared.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a child who grew up witnessing my mother being abused, you need to gather yourself and leave. This is not going to work and you need to work on YOU and providing a safe place for you and your kids. I have no respect for my mother though she did leave after 10 years and the damage was done. She almost died and my brother and I both have severe anxiety from this.

You need therapy. Your mother, you, and your sibling are victims of the abuser.

[Anonymous]

GO TO THERAPY. It will help you to mentally prepare to leave. If you can't afford it, let us know, and we will provide solutions. You will get through this, one step at a time.

[Anonymous]

Does your desire to be with your husband trump your kid's safety? It is a question you need to ask yourself and perhaps it will be a wake up call. you are choosing yourself over your kids. Your kids don't need to see this example in their lives. Your kids will eventually be beat as well.

I get how hard it is to picture your life without your husband. That is part of his abuse and how he keeps you in his lfe despite what is going on. But I can 100% guarantee that your kids can picture a life without him in it.

So if you aren't ready to do it for yourself, do it for your kids instead. Call a domestic abuse hotline NOW. Tell a family member or friend who can help you NOW. You need to make the first step to getting out of this before it gets worse.

[Anonymous]

Please do this. Set up a hidden camera or two. If he’s done it once he will do it again.

Watch American Murder. When Shanaan came home that night she had no clue that it would be her last night on earth.

Please leave. ASAP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:GO TO THERAPY. It will help you to mentally prepare to leave. If you can't afford it, let us know, and we will provide solutions. You will get through this, one step at a time.

He'll know she is in therapy and see the reimbursement claims and this could only escalate things or be a point for gaslighting. I agree totally that therapy will be part of the process, but if you are being physically abused the first point should be to identify an exit plan to secure your physical security and that of your children. I have a zero tolerance policy for physical abuse, and yes, I have been in a relationship like that. I left the country, changed my phone number, and basically "disappeared." I didn't have kids though, and that's a huge factor. I agree with the posters saying to call a domestic violence hotline for advice and to start planning your escape. It may be that, an escape, and it may be somewhat dramatic, but there are many resources available. But get a "this is my 5 min escape with the kids into the back of a blacked out car at 3am escape" plan in place. Then be willing to execute on that, imminently. Have the finances in order, a secret fund if possible, and multiple resources lined up to help. You can get through this, but you're going to need some serious grit. Forget anything about your "wrongdoings." This is abuser talk.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I have read and appreciate all of the replies. To answer some questions, my husband actually tells me often that I need individual therapy for various reasons. I think I can safely start doing individual therapy without him getting upset. I don’t have enough money on my own to escape - I won’t have that for a month or two. I don’t want to be an idiot, but as long as I don’t piss him off by stealing or lying, I don’t think he will react. He doesn’t react physically until I do something like that. So I think I can safely get my ducks in a row for a month or two and then leave. I do think that leaving WILL cause him to react, so that’s something I fear too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please do this. Set up a hidden camera or two. If he’s done it once he will do it again.

Watch American Murder. When Shanaan came home that night she had no clue that it would be her last night on earth.

Please leave. ASAP.

OP here. We actually watched this together. Husband and his family are very much into crime shows like First 48, For My Man, basically anything on investigation discovery.

[Anonymous]

I didn’t see your prior thread. You mention stealing and lying as a dynamic in the cycle of violence - can you say a little more about that?

[Anonymous]

So you steal and lie and he hits you? Please get therwpy for the sake of your children. They are being raised in a severely dysfunctional family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t see your prior thread. You mention stealing and lying as a dynamic in the cycle of violence - can you say a little more about that?

OP here. In regards to physical violence, my husband does it when I lie to him about finances and use up money from savings/move money around to use on random things. I handle all of the bills and money, so when I’m in a bind or when I want to use money, I grab it from savings or from bills that need to be paid. This leaves us with no savings and bills unpaid. He gets very angry about it and resorts to physically abusing me. I’d say it happens 3-4 times per year. I never tell him about the money issues, he just finds out from either randomly seeing the savings account or getting a letter in the mail about something not being paid. I’ll add that I’ve also gotten physical with him. When he doesn’t listen to me/dismisses me/ignores me I can get very angry and start throwing things on the floor or getting in his face. As long as we aren’t “triggered” by those very specific events (my hatred for being dismissed and his hatred for me stealing money and lying) these physical altercations don’t happen.

Separately, my husband is emotionally and verbally abusive. Says things like “are you stupid?” “You are just sensitive.” “You’re crazy.” What I feel as a need to be in control, husband says is he just wants to be respected and included in what’s going on. He just wants me to “communicate.” I sometimes feel that the dynamic of our relationship has caused him to feel negatively about me, thinking I’m stupid/worthless, thus causing his verbal responses and lack of emotional care for me. I feel he doesn’t care that I’m emotional or crying about something because he’s numb toward me. He doesn’t feel that I’ve contributed anything to our family (I make money but blow it, horrible credit, etc. He’s the one who got us our house, he’s the one that at least has some type of savings, he has good credit so can get credit cards and whatever else).

I’ll add that I don’t believe my husband WANTS me to have bad credit and no money so that I have to depend on him. He doesn’t want that responsibility. He would prefer that I get my shxt together and be a contributor to the household.

I just realized I went on a rant here, but I hope this helps you better understand. This is why I say I don’t feel like I’m a victim, maybe I did deserve some of this, etc. I’m just as f’ed up as my husband, in different ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
First step: Do you have a job?

I do.

[Anonymous]

https://jcada.org/contact-us-2/

Contact JCADA. They can help you