Reply to Ok...let me rephrase this. How do I find the courage to leave my abusive DH?

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Reply to "Ok...let me rephrase this. How do I find the courage to leave my abusive DH?"

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[quote=Anonymous]OP, a lot of physically abusive relationships are codependent and/or toxic in other ways. Even victims can come to feel addicted to the relationship, no matter how bad it is. However, just because you are not perfect does not mean you should live in fear for your physical safety.

You need to know that, whatever your transgressions, you are not making your husband hurt you. That is a choice he is making for himself. Only he can make different choices; you can’t control that for him. Many people try to appease their abuser, to be good enough not to deserve abuse. It is a common thought pattern, but not a strategy that works for any length of time.

Over time toxic relationships destroy self esteem. They can also push buttons installed by your past, which further degrades your self esteem. I hope you will seek positive relationships and positive life experiences that build you up. It could be volunteering, a social group, exercise, a new hobby, anything that helps you feel better about yourself. I hope also that you will establish friendships that nourish you. Understanding your worth will be key to moving forward, even well after you have left the abuse. It is probably worth exploring in therapy why you feel so badly about yourself. These things can come from unresolved past trauma.

Your husband has shown you who he is. I know that leaving feels scary and final. However, waiting for things to change is not a reasonable strategy. Many people speak about toxic people as having “let the mask slip.” Unless and until your husband addresses what drives his violence, this is who he is. The positive memories were a mask. Who someone is in their most challenging life moments is revelatory of that person’s true character. Feeling angry, down, depressed, anxious, etc. is never an excuse for treating someone poorly. Healthy adults learn to experience these emotions without harm to themselves or others.

Denying the severity of abuse and having an avoidant response to finding solutions are normal reactions. All of us would like to get through the difficult phases in life with as little additional strife as possible. But if your alarm bells are going off and you are reaching out to strangers online for help, you know that you either cannot tolerate this any longer, the abuse is becoming more severe, or both. Magical thinking and hopes of reconciliation are not the key to moving you forward. Even if you were “perfect,” your husband is a high risk person to be around. Abusive people are not really looking to be appeased. They are looking to feel better about their out-of-control inner lives by exerting control over others. Sometimes they don’t plan on hitting someone else, but their lack of self control, difficulty with empathy, and lack of other strategies to deal with conflict drive them to that point again and again.

Last, I want to caution you to be careful in your online communications. Even if you use a private browser window to conceal your posts about the abuse, browser history can sometimes be determined through your router. Domestic abuse organizations can give you more info. about online safety and concealing your actions.

I am wishing you well in your journey through this difficult time. You will be past this, hopefully some day soon. [/quote]

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