Ok...let me rephrase this. How do I find the courage to leave my abusive DH?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have children?

We do. More than one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a survivor, let me be clear.

When you leave you have to leave. All the way. No occasional texting. No “I hope you’re doing ok-ing” No “God Bless You-ing” Nothing.

Before I finally left for good there were MULTIPLE times my abuser manipulated his way back in. Abusers can be master manipulators , saying what they know you want to hear, mirroring your desired behaviors. In your head you’ll see them as being remorseful. Sometimes the parents (his) will also try to convince you he’s being remorseful. For him, he is patiently awaiting the next time he will beat you.

Be clear.

This is super hard. But if you want to stay alive, you must stop telling yourself lies first. Lies like, “He will change.”

He can’t change his pathology. H

+1 This PP has it right. But I would argue one thing. In your DH's mind, when he's trying to get you back, he believes he will never beat you again. THAT is why he is so persuasive, because you can't pick up on any BS, because he's not lying to you. He believes it, so that's why you're likely to believe it.

Remember that. He will be being honest with you when he makes his promises. They will go up in smoke once you are back, because past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior.

Good luck, OP

[Anonymous]

Here's what you do. You wait until he is gone, load yourself and your kids in the car and go. One foot in front of the other and you will be fine. If you keep stopping to think about it you'll never leave.

[Anonymous]

Your children will resent you for staying in harm's way and keeping them in harm's way.

You could die. They could die.

[Anonymous]

Start by calling a domestic abuse hotline. They know their stuff. I think there are some you can talk to via webchat, but phone's better. Having called one or two myself when I was still married, they really helped me identify a game plan.

[Anonymous]

You have to get out of the fog of your fantasies. A better life is possible, but it will not be possible with this guy.

This will never be the happy family you wanted.

The fantasies are trapping you in a reality that is hurting your kids. They will NEVER HAPPEN.

Happier is possible, but not with this guy. The only possibility for happier is in the other side of this marriage.

[Anonymous]

OP clearly you are not ready to leave.

Therapy will only add to his anger.

When you are ready to save your self and your children you leave and you leave him completely behind. There is no if ands or buts to this part. Your children will be way better off.

Again clearly you are not ready.

When you are get visa prepaid cards, copies of all financial papers all. Lawyer they talk to ex husband not you.

Like previous poster said everyday wipe your computer history.

[Anonymous]

I think you need therapy. Then a way out and a way to meet your financial needs. Or, you don't need anything and you are a troll.

[Anonymous]

OP — please remember that every time he acts, he is telling you about who HE is. That is a gift. Because it is NOT YOU. And that has nothing to do with who YOU are, and the actions and choices you have made. YOU did not do anything that lead to his bad decisions and reactions. That is ALL HIM.

You are asking this question because your gut is talking to you. Start with a helpline. Every step you take is worthy, valuable and meaningful, no matter how small it may seem.

[Anonymous]

Leave first. Then therapy.

Every minute you stay is a chance that he might take it too far. And kill you. On purpose or by accident.

Please leave. Now.

People say have a plan , credit cards, etc.

You will be ok even if you don’t have these things.

Please leave ASAP. If you are in DC there are safehouses abd places you can stay, nice places even with covid.

[Anonymous]

Relationships are addicting - like drugs. You go through withdrawal when you leave them. But when you are out of the bad relationship, you will feel so much better.

[Anonymous]

As a child who grew up witnessing my mother being abused, you need to gather yourself and leave. This is not going to work and you need to work on YOU and providing a safe place for you and your kids. I have no respect for my mother though she did leave after 10 years and the damage was done. She almost died and my brother and I both have severe anxiety from this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a child who grew up witnessing my mother being abused, you need to gather yourself and leave. This is not going to work and you need to work on YOU and providing a safe place for you and your kids. I have no respect for my mother though she did leave after 10 years and the damage was done. She almost died and my brother and I both have severe anxiety from this.

This. You need to do it for your kids.

[Anonymous]

WHY DO YOU DESPERATELY WANT TO BE WITH SOMEONE WHO HITS YOU?!?!?

What kind of example are you setting for your children? Especially any female children you may have? Please, seek therapy and then start the process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im sorry you are going through this. I got therapy and then I left. probably took about 2 months from the point when I decided enough was enoughl

OP here. I just so desperately want this to work. I want him to stop. I want to stop my wrongdoings. I want to be happy with him. It sucks so so so badly. Maybe I’m afraid to talk about it with a therapist because it makes it real. Idk. I’m just so hurt and lost.

As a guy I can tell you, he won’t stop. Leave just leave. There is not one thing more valuable than your life.