Reply to Almost 93, frail, very poor hearing ..will not move

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I just moved my mom against her will. It was for the safety of my Dad (who did want to move). And she did need to move, but was stubborn (and scared, mild dementia).

I tricked her into coming to my house. Lied about why I was gone (and DH and DC were there) and moved everything to their new place. It sucked and was stressful. And she is upset about stuff we got rid of (that she told us for years she wanted to get rid of). But it’s been better for everybody involved.

At some point older people don’t realize how bad it is, how much they’ve changed because they still think of themselves as the younger version of themselves. (Heck, I still see myself as 16 and am shocked when a 50yo is staring back at me from the mirror. So I understand. ) At some point, the people around them have to force the issue. [/quote]

I just wanted to come back and say my parents have settled in and it was the best thing for them. My Mom still misses her big house. But she's doesn't have to cook as many meals and cleaning is much easier since it's 1/2 as big. I'm only 15-20 mins away so I can come over all the time. My Mom was going through one of her paranoid delusional hours-long conversations that would often lead to violence against my Dad. He was able to call me and  I came right over. Was able to distract her enough that my Dad could leave the conversation and go to bed. I was able to deescalate my Mom and she went to sleep happy.  (Now that they are getting at least 1 meal a day, my Mom is eating better and is less and less paranoid/delusional.)

They have a medical clinic on-site and the doctors have been great. Trying to find an gerontologist and a geriatric psychiatrist had been impossible. But here, all the PCP are experts on aging. And we were finally able to see a Mental Health NP that knows what the F she is talking about.

I think my Mom's biggest fears of moving here haven't happened. And I think the idea of moving was overwhelming. Since I took that 100% off their plate and made all the decisions (in coordination with my Dad) including handled the decluttering, packing and unpacking (Hired people), it was so much less stressful and overwhelming that she anticipated. So all my Mom had do do was unpack her suitcase.

Moving her secretly, even during a pandemic, was the best decision and I'm glad we did it.

That being said, it's been easier than moving to Assisted Living. She is in Independent Living with my Dad. We are able to see them regularly. She has a few friends in the area.

OP--it's so hard seeing someone you love decline. And it's equally infuriating that they don't see the burden it is placing on you. As some of the PP have mentioned, moving into Assisted Living right now might not be the best. But if she was closer to you in Independent Living would that work for you? Trying to manage someone's life from a distance is impossible. Even if she isn't ready to move now, start touring facilities in you area and get on waiting lists if you need to. Line up declutters and movers and anything else you might need. Hire a handyman now to do some repairs to slowly get the house ready for selling. So once the crisis happens, and it probably will, you have all your ducks in a row and you can spring into action.

Don't forget the legal stuff like durable POA and wills and stuff. Having those in place as made a really tough situation much easier.

Good Luck!

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