Single mom by choice-Am I crazy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, my husband has older kids and never planned on having more. I wanted kids. He much prefers being a parent older when he has a better higher paying job, more time (not working multiple jobs) and much more relaxed as like most people he's mellowed out with age. He worries about his age a lot. But, his youngest/mine are his pride and joy. Go for it.

His older kids are his pride and joy too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Haha, I think it's funny that DCUMers are saying that almost 42 is too old to have a baby in a town where most people have babies at that age.

I say go for it. It's your life to live. I did it at 41 and while it is tough it is doable. There is a post on another forum here about a women who can't handle her clingy 16 month old because her husband was away for the weekend and she was completely stressed out even though she has a housekeeper and nanny. These are the people that are giving you advice (so keep that in mind).

I'm not rich but I am frugal and will still be able to retire early and with more money then my married peers.

Build your community now as you decide to go through the process as that is what will help you. Plenty of single mom by choice support groups. We are here for you if you decide to move forward!

You have no idea what your married peers have saved.

[Anonymous]

I'm in the same situation although a few years older. I also had that desire in my late 30s but it passed. I have 3 more years until I send my kid to college and when I think back to wanting another kid, I realized it was a passing desire.

[Anonymous]

GO for it, OP! I adopted a newbirn as a single woman at age 46. She is now almost 7 and amazing.

[Anonymous]

Buy 2 puppies instead. I recommend labs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, my husband has older kids and never planned on having more. I wanted kids. He much prefers being a parent older when he has a better higher paying job, more time (not working multiple jobs) and much more relaxed as like most people he's mellowed out with age. He worries about his age a lot. But, his youngest/mine are his pride and joy. Go for it.

His older kids are his pride and joy too.

No they are not.

[Anonymous]

I would evaluate your own preferences and go from there. It is not easy being a solo parent, but it is also not the hardest thing in the world if you truly have a love for children and have a supportive circle of friends and family.

Many people on this thread discount and minimize toxic fathers; a father in the picture does not automatically means stability.

In my case, I am a single mom (unintentionally) of multiples who did not intend to be single. My non-traditional family unit has both middle school/high school aged kids and early elementary under two.

The father of my olders, after five years in our partnership, began cheating and being abusive. I left him when the olders were less than five years old. Seven years later, my kids are thriving and ex is rock bottom, as my ex currently has a degenerative disease linked to head trauma (he played professional sports) and is unavailable to care for himself or his children adequately.

I waited seven years to date again and met the father of my younger children. He was amazing, charming, and intelligent when he was fully present, but in the last year has took a hard fall off of his recovery plan for combat PTSD and substance abuse. Due to his struggles with his own trauma and addiction he also is unavailable at this point.

I share this with you only to highlight that having a "father-figure" in the home does not always dictate that there will be stability. Your levelheaded nature, capacity for being resilient, and your authentic desire to be a mom will drive stability.

If you have the right mindset, you can be a single parent and be fine. You'll need to have a thick skin because people will judge you and chime in, even though they've never been faced with your circumstances.

I know many kids raised by single parents and grandparents that grew up to be good natured; some are the most compassionate people I've ever met. I'd only offer that with the older child, ensure that you create space for the older kid to have a break from the younger, if they have an issue with spending time with the younger.

Children are only young for a short amount of time, it does not last forever. I'd say go for your dreams and have no regrets, whatever those dreams may look like.

Namaste.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, my husband has older kids and never planned on having more. I wanted kids. He much prefers being a parent older when he has a better higher paying job, more time (not working multiple jobs) and much more relaxed as like most people he's mellowed out with age. He worries about his age a lot. But, his youngest/mine are his pride and joy. Go for it.

His older kids are his pride and joy too.

No they are not.

You are the reason people hate step moms.

[Anonymous]

If OP didn't have a kid already, I would absolutely say go for it. I think everyone who wants to have kids should do it if possible. But she already has a child, so this is just a vanity project to gratify herself, potentially at the expense of both children.

Just wait another 10-15 years and your teenager might have a grandbaby for you to snuggle and spoil.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would evaluate your own preferences and go from there. It is not easy being a solo parent, but it is also not the hardest thing in the world if you truly have a love for children and have a supportive circle of friends and family.

Many people on this thread discount and minimize toxic fathers; a father in the picture does not automatically means stability.

In my case, I am a single mom (unintentionally) of multiples who did not intend to be single. My non-traditional family unit has both middle school/high school aged kids and early elementary under two.

The father of my olders, after five years in our partnership, began cheating and being abusive. I left him when the olders were less than five years old. Seven years later, my kids are thriving and ex is rock bottom, as my ex currently has a degenerative disease linked to head trauma (he played professional sports) and is unavailable to care for himself or his children adequately.

I waited seven years to date again and met the father of my younger children. He was amazing, charming, and intelligent when he was fully present, but in the last year has took a hard fall off of his recovery plan for combat PTSD and substance abuse. Due to his struggles with his own trauma and addiction he also is unavailable at this point.

I share this with you only to highlight that having a "father-figure" in the home does not always dictate that there will be stability. Your levelheaded nature, capacity for being resilient, and your authentic desire to be a mom will drive stability.

If you have the right mindset, you can be a single parent and be fine. You'll need to have a thick skin because people will judge you and chime in, even though they've never been faced with your circumstances.

I know many kids raised by single parents and grandparents that grew up to be good natured; some are the most compassionate people I've ever met. I'd only offer that with the older child, ensure that you create space for the older kid to have a break from the younger, if they have an issue with spending time with the younger.

Children are only young for a short amount of time, it does not last forever. I'd say go for your dreams and have no regrets, whatever those dreams may look like.

Namaste.

Very well stated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, my husband has older kids and never planned on having more. I wanted kids. He much prefers being a parent older when he has a better higher paying job, more time (not working multiple jobs) and much more relaxed as like most people he's mellowed out with age. He worries about his age a lot. But, his youngest/mine are his pride and joy. Go for it.

His older kids are his pride and joy too.

No they are not.

You are the reason people hate step moms.

Stop projecting. PP is entitled to think her own kid is her pride and joy.

[Anonymous]

I have a cousin who did what you are thinking of doing and her kid ended up in foster care because I am childfree and have no interest in raising any children. So you need to think carefully if something does happen.

[Anonymous]

I think your hormones are speaking. Redirect your energies. 42 is old no matter what DCUM says. They aren’t going to be caring for your baby- teen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, my husband has older kids and never planned on having more. I wanted kids. He much prefers being a parent older when he has a better higher paying job, more time (not working multiple jobs) and much more relaxed as like most people he's mellowed out with age. He worries about his age a lot. But, his youngest/mine are his pride and joy. Go for it.

His older kids are his pride and joy too.

No they are not.

You are the reason people hate step moms.

I have been really good to them. The mother did everything possible to alienate Dad and replaced her AP who she moved in with Dad. They didn't do a great job raising the kids and we only hear from them when they want to scam us out of money (Dad has called mom to find out what's going on and it wasn't the truth). I did more for the kids than their mom did, especially for the youngest who she ignored. I got him all the clothes and shoes and mailed it to him. I got him new glasses when he visited. She wouldn't spend a dime of the money she got beyond food (AP paid for the house). Not really sure where the money went as she isn't a grand spender.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, my husband has older kids and never planned on having more. I wanted kids. He much prefers being a parent older when he has a better higher paying job, more time (not working multiple jobs) and much more relaxed as like most people he's mellowed out with age. He worries about his age a lot. But, his youngest/mine are his pride and joy. Go for it.

His older kids are his pride and joy too.

No they are not.

You are the reason people hate step moms.

Stop projecting. PP is entitled to think her own kid is her pride and joy.

If his kids treated Dad differently, they would be equal. But, relationships are important. But, this has nothing to do with OP having another child. If she wants one and can afford it and has the time for one, she should go for it.