Single mom by choice-Am I crazy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me start by saying I’ve been divorced for 8 years. I have a 15 year old and I really want another child. My dating life is nonexistent so I’ve been considering having a baby on my own. I know it’s better to get married first, but I’ve been there, done that. Plus if I wait until I meet the right one, it may be too late. I’m almost 42 so I would like to have a baby with the next year or two. Am I crazy for considering this?

Are you crazy? I don't know but it is irresponsible to and stupid to have a child without a committed partner. Also, 42 is too old nomatter what anyone says.

Says who? I have two grandmothers who had kids in their 40s.

Not their first kids, I’d bet.

And this also isn’t OP’sfirst kid... what’s your point?

[Anonymous]

Gloom and doom on here, too. I made so many more friends once I decided to become a mom. Plus- - grandparents! My parents and so many others were at the airport with balloons and party favors and signs when i brought my daughter home from Asia. Having a grandchild "healed" something in our family and we became closer than we had been before. My parents then hinted that Ethiopia had opened up for adoption and was not particularly expensive, but I decided to stick with one.

I never had a problem getting babysitter coverage (free!) in order to go out on dates, etc. We single moms are a team and we just swapped. Also swapped with plain old neighbors, too.

[Anonymous]

Haha, I think it's funny that DCUMers are saying that almost 42 is too old to have a baby in a town where most people have babies at that age.

I say go for it. It's your life to live. I did it at 41 and while it is tough it is doable. There is a post on another forum here about a women who can't handle her clingy 16 month old because her husband was away for the weekend and she was completely stressed out even though she has a housekeeper and nanny. These are the people that are giving you advice (so keep that in mind).

I'm not rich but I am frugal and will still be able to retire early and with more money then my married peers.

Build your community now as you decide to go through the process as that is what will help you. Plenty of single mom by choice support groups. We are here for you if you decide to move forward!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a terrible idea. Everyone gets some kind of baby fever as they get close to menopause. It's hormonal, and it will pass. You'd be crazy to do this without a spouse or co-parent since you already have a child who needs you.

It does have something to do with shifting hormones. Something similar happens 1-2 years after having a baby.

You do need to have the custody situation worked out in advance should something happen to you, imo. That's true of any parent no matter the age or marital status. It's not 1950, but it is responsibility.

I have a family member who did this at this age and this child has always been the child she didn't get to have when she was younger. It's not been the healthiest environment for her. The child is 16 now and counting the days until she can move out. I'm not saying this is a guarantee, and experiences may vary.

Have you discussed this with your child? I would be careful here and respect his/her opinion. Regardless of your plans, this would be a sibling and you would be relying on this person to help you in some way. It would be literally impossible to raise a baby with another person in the household even part time and not have that person help at all. Not to mention, it would be very unhealthy relationally.

[Anonymous]

I'm really surprised at all the don't-do-it comments. In a way it's good you're getting all the negative comments, because they're bringing up potential issues that are very real, such as an accident or illness or whatever. Think through the pros and cons very carefully. If you decide to go for it, and you can afford it, line up a very good live-in nanny who maybe will stay with you and transition to housekeeper as your baby ages out of needing a nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's actually easier to raise a child without a father as long as you don't need a 2nd income.

People act like men are more helpful then a time/money/energy suck... only because they don't want to admit their H is a time/money/energy suck.

Go for it, if you can afford it.

This.
But if you are in the DC area I would just warn that the costs of daycare are like 3 times higher than what they were 15 years ago.

[Anonymous]

At your age you're probably looking at IVF with embryo adoption, or a donor egg and donor sperm. It's going to be expensive and emotionally exhausting just trying to get pregnant and give birth to a child that is not even biologically related to you. You would have an increased risk of complications and preterm birth, all without a partner at home to hold down the fort in case you experience major issues like I did (kidney failure! liver problems) due to preeclampsia. And then what if your child has special needs or disabilities? You will have to tackle this alone.

It really sounds like you're having trouble with the idea of an empty nest. You could instead focus your energy into volunteering with kids or try fostering a child after your teen leaves home. Giving birth is not a panacea for your fears of loneliness and aging.

[Anonymous]

Some advice:

1. Amnio with microarray

2. You’ll need a full time nanny, plus many people who can help on an on call basis (grandparents or sitters/back up nannies).

Do you make a lot of money? Are you high energy?

[Anonymous]

Wow some of these comments are really overwrought.

I am a single mother by choice in my early 40s. It's going great. I have a ton of friend support, family support and designated guardians.

But two things in your situation would give me pause:
1. It's really hard to get pregnant with your own eggs at 42. Are you prepared to do rounds of IVF? Consider donor egg? How far are you willing to go?
2. I'm not sure I'd do this to your 15 year old daughter. It seems pretty unfair to her to spend her high school years with a new baby in the house limiting what the two of you can do together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would adopt or foster at your age. That way you won't be dealing with the additional risk and expense of childbirth, which are considerable at 42.

And then she will very likely be dealing with special needs.

[Anonymous]

Don't do it. That is so cruel to your 15 year old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Haha, I think it's funny that DCUMers are saying that almost 42 is too old to have a baby in a town where most people have babies at that age.

I say go for it. It's your life to live. I did it at 41 and while it is tough it is doable. There is a post on another forum here about a women who can't handle her clingy 16 month old because her husband was away for the weekend and she was completely stressed out even though she has a housekeeper and nanny. These are the people that are giving you advice (so keep that in mind).

I'm not rich but I am frugal and will still be able to retire early and with more money then my married peers.

Build your community now as you decide to go through the process as that is what will help you. Plenty of single mom by choice support groups. We are here for you if you decide to move forward!

But OP already has a teenager. That's a recipe for disaster. She's f'ing over her teen for a baby that the teen will likely have no meaningful relationship with as an adult. Unless, of course, the teen ends up having to raise their sibling. It's not like OP has no other obligations.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't do it personally. I have teenage boys and they are tough. One more so than the other. We do not have family around, and I'm always thankful that my husband and I can work through issues together. Sometimes I need a break from teenage BS and he's there to take charge, or vice versa. I couldn't do this on my own, or at least it would be VERY VERY difficult

[Anonymous]

OP, my husband has older kids and never planned on having more. I wanted kids. He much prefers being a parent older when he has a better higher paying job, more time (not working multiple jobs) and much more relaxed as like most people he's mellowed out with age. He worries about his age a lot. But, his youngest/mine are his pride and joy. Go for it.

[Anonymous]

You are almost finished! Why start over?

Once your daughter goes to college you can date, have adult hobbies and travel. Babies tie you down, especially if you do it alone.