DH says really mean things to me sometimes....how would you react?

[Anonymous]

The real question is does he love, adore and respect you? If so, he's not doing a good job of demonstrating it.

The comments are hurtful but more on the tone -deaf/being a jerk spectrum than something that conveys contempt. I think its a mixture of him being a jerk and you being sensitive. It would not be worth divorce in my world but I'm not you.

If he is serious about keeping the marriage together, I suggest counseling where you learn to communicate (and he learns how to communicate his appreciation) and you learn each other's love languages and what it means to be each other's partner. If he can't after that or revals he doesnt respect or like you, then separate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here are a few examples of things that have happened lately:

1.) My daughter (3 years old) told me before bed one night that I was “the best mommy ever!” I relayed this story to DH, because DD has been a difficult 3 year old during quarantine lately. His response was that she’s only had one mom so maybe she doesn’t even know what that means.

2.) looking in the mirror, I said to him- “man, I’m glad I’ve finally lost the baby weight! But I wish this stretched out skin weren’t here.” (I’m 5’5 and 122 lbs). He looks at me and says, “that’s not skin, that’s fat. But you can eat better and go to the gym, maybe it will go away. Better than skin because you can’t do anything about that.”

3.) About to go down on me, he says- “are you about to get your period? It smells different.” Obviously, I get super upset.

4.) Kissing, he says- “hey, do you have bacteria in your tonsils? Your breath is bad.” I do have crypted tonsils so will get tonsil stones, but I was still super mortified.

5.) Told our neighbor at dinner that I was glad our family dog died. To be fair, the dog was a jerk, but I definitely wasn’t glad he died!!! Of course I was sad. When I asked him to stop, he looks at me and sneers, “It’s OKAY, everyone knows you hated him”

I finally asked him to separate. This, and other issues, but I’m not sure I can get over these comments. He was “blindsided” according to him. He says those comments aren’t what he meant, and of course made a million excuses. Am I overreacting to them?

All but the last one seems like factual information or an honest question. My husband is a straight shooter and would say most of these things and I wouldn’t get upset. I’d only be mad about the dog.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He sounds Aspie or autistic.

+1000

And that means GTFO before he ruins you and your child. It’s insanity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nothing your DH said was "mean" it was all very blunt and abrupt.

Does he have autism?

no, he has depression and trauma issues. He needs therapy. He sounds unhappy with himself, and it's manifesting itself by saying hurtful things to his wife. Hope he doesn't say hurtful things to his kids.

He’s defective

This cannot and won’t get fixed.

Get out.

[Anonymous]

Wow! These are really small clueless and dumb things to say but they are small stuff.

What are you doing to him that he is responding in kind? Not deflecting it on you, but meanness begets meanness in my experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow! These are really small clueless and dumb things to say but they are small stuff.

What are you doing to him that he is responding in kind? Not deflecting it on you, but meanness begets meanness in my experience.

Pls read Ops posts about the pattern of behavior, the spouses mental illness diagnoses, and the spouse’s childhood trauma.

If OP was your best friend or sister, what would you tell her to do. Op, you should ask yourself that too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow! These are really small clueless and dumb things to say but they are small stuff.

What are you doing to him that he is responding in kind? Not deflecting it on you, but meanness begets meanness in my experience.

Btw, living with someone who is a non stop disaster and an a-hole is hell. Your kids will never see a normal father figure, husband figure or adult relationship nor conversation in the home or around him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow! These are really small clueless and dumb things to say but they are small stuff.

What are you doing to him that he is responding in kind? Not deflecting it on you, but meanness begets meanness in my experience.

Pls read Ops posts about the pattern of behavior, the spouses mental illness diagnoses, and the spouse’s childhood trauma.

If OP was your best friend or sister, what would you tell her to do. Op, you should ask yourself that too.

Sometimes a jerk is just a jerk. There are people with mental issues-- depression, anxiety, whatever, or who have been through trauma-- and they do not turn into jerks. It seems like on these boards there are a lot of DH's who are given passes for being bad spouses. "He cheated on me for years but he had a bad childhood and has ADHD."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband hates women. I would GTFO.

This is actually an interesting take on the situation. I've known and dated men who have had nothing nice to say to me or about other women. Can't come up with a compliment other than "you look nice" if $1 million had been waved in front of their faces. There's just something missing. And then I've known and dated men who compliment women, who are quick to be chivalrous, who hold doors, who just, well, love women. Is it a personality trait, something they learn as kids? Or is it innate? At my age, well into my 40s, I think I'd give up on a guy who just didn't know how to treat the women he's supposedly in love with or attracted to. If someone spoke to me the way OP's does, I'd say they weren't really in love with me or could even name three things they like about me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband hates women. I would GTFO.

This is actually an interesting take on the situation. I've known and dated men who have had nothing nice to say to me or about other women. Can't come up with a compliment other than "you look nice" if $1 million had been waved in front of their faces. There's just something missing. And then I've known and dated men who compliment women, who are quick to be chivalrous, who hold doors, who just, well, love women. Is it a personality trait, something they learn as kids? Or is it innate? At my age, well into my 40s, I think I'd give up on a guy who just didn't know how to treat the women he's supposedly in love with or attracted to. If someone spoke to me the way OP's does, I'd say they weren't really in love with me or could even name three things they like about me.

This.
All of his comments are meant to kill OP's self esteem and make her life miserable. A loving man would never say any of that.
OP, there are men who love and protect. This guy is a waste of your life.

[Anonymous]

OP here-
Thank you for all of the feedback. I definitely am more of a sensitive type. I honestly have considered the Aspergers thing, but he does well socially and at his job. He has asked me to stop “trying to diagnose him” although when he got all of his other diagnoses back I was relieved because it meant I wasn’t crazy.
I don’t think he hates me. He’s a good provider, hard worker. Usually a good father although he gets frustrated easily. I don’t think that I wrote he also has untreated ADHD which now, after years of begging, he is starting to treat. Some of it is he thinks he’s just “telling the truth” but it really just plays on my insecurities and opens me up and embarrasses me in front of neighbors or friends. He says if they’re close to us it shouldn’t matter. It really has made it impossible for me to have an emotionally mature relationship with him. (Among other things- having a REALLY BAD MEMORY is another one- stories for another thread).
I wish I had seen this all sooner before having two kids with him. We have no family around so it’s hard to imagine being a single parent. I did tell him I would never wish this relationship on our daughter.
It’s interesting the level of tolerance of these comments varies so much from person to person.
These are obviously just some examples so there have been more throughout the years.

[Anonymous]

I think asking to separate over these comments is a pretty extreme reaction.

[Anonymous]

My husband has always made comments like this. It wears you down. If I could go back in time, I wouldn’t have married him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here are a few examples of things that have happened lately:

1.) My daughter (3 years old) told me before bed one night that I was “the best mommy ever!” I relayed this story to DH, because DD has been a difficult 3 year old during quarantine lately. His response was that she’s only had one mom so maybe she doesn’t even know what that means.

2.) looking in the mirror, I said to him- “man, I’m glad I’ve finally lost the baby weight! But I wish this stretched out skin weren’t here.” (I’m 5’5 and 122 lbs). He looks at me and says, “that’s not skin, that’s fat. But you can eat better and go to the gym, maybe it will go away. Better than skin because you can’t do anything about that.”

3.) About to go down on me, he says- “are you about to get your period? It smells different.” Obviously, I get super upset.

4.) Kissing, he says- “hey, do you have bacteria in your tonsils? Your breath is bad.” I do have crypted tonsils so will get tonsil stones, but I was still super mortified.

5.) Told our neighbor at dinner that I was glad our family dog died. To be fair, the dog was a jerk, but I definitely wasn’t glad he died!!! Of course I was sad. When I asked him to stop, he looks at me and sneers, “It’s OKAY, everyone knows you hated him”

I finally asked him to separate. This, and other issues, but I’m not sure I can get over these comments. He was “blindsided” according to him. He says those comments aren’t what he meant, and of course made a million excuses. Am I overreacting to them?

All but the last one seems like factual information or an honest question. My husband is a straight shooter and would say most of these things and I wouldn’t get upset. I’d only be mad about the dog.

Seems like you’ve done your darndest to justify these kinds of things and have a really low bar of expectation. Sorry, that’s not the norm and your low standards for modicum of behavior is not for everyone. Me personally, I expect more out of my spouse. Yes, there is time for honesty and there are occasions where that honesty is not appropriate. It’s called knowing how to be a respectful adult.

[Anonymous]

I think the examples are somewhere between mean and blunt, but none of them seem malicious. That is not to say they are not hurtful! But lacking malice, someone like this can learn/be trained to speak more kindly and filter himself if he’s motivated to do the work. Individual counseling for him or marriage counseling would probably help.

I used to say very critical stuff to my dh when we were first married. I grew up with a very critical mom and I honestly didn’t “hear” my comments as critical or unkind. They seemed factually true to me, and normal things to say or have said to me. It took my dh pointing them out and me making an effort to develop new patterns.