DH says really mean things to me sometimes....how would you react?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the examples are somewhere between mean and blunt, but none of them seem malicious. That is not to say they are not hurtful! But lacking malice, someone like this can learn/be trained to speak more kindly and filter himself if he’s motivated to do the work. Individual counseling for him or marriage counseling would probably help.

I used to say very critical stuff to my dh when we were first married. I grew up with a very critical mom and I honestly didn’t “hear” my comments as critical or unkind. They seemed factually true to me, and normal things to say or have said to me. It took my dh pointing them out and me making an effort to develop new patterns.

I don't know. The other statements might be clueless, but the dog thing seems intentionally mean.

[Anonymous]

I am in a similar situation. I haven’t left because I can’t bear the thought of my children alone in his custody 50% of the time. So I do what I can to carve out a life with just my kids and I. He is content with mostly being alone and working. This quarantine has forced us to engage with each other more but with kids around as witnesses, he is less mean to me. I just try to avoid being alone with him. Every night, I stay in bed with one of my kids until around midnight and then slink into our own bed when he has already fallen asleep. Mornings, I usually get up and ready without saying a word to him. On the college plan, once they leave for college, I’ll request to separate and will be ready for what will surely be war.

[Anonymous]

Divorce!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are being a little bit overly sensitive. None of this sounds intentionally mean.

That's what I think, too. But I just separated from an emotionally and verbally abusive spouse and I'm talking things like; cancel credit cards without warning, take away access to a vehicle as punishment for me setting a healthy boundary, routinely degrading me and straight up telling me I'm a worthless leach, sucking him dry. Among other names. The b word many times. He liked to scream in my face that I was "totally F*cked in the head".

So by comparison your husband sounds just slightly lower on the EQ scale than the typical male, maybe. Does he lack empathy overall? I'd say it's worth trying to work through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here are a few examples of things that have happened lately:

1.) My daughter (3 years old) told me before bed one night that I was “the best mommy ever!” I relayed this story to DH, because DD has been a difficult 3 year old during quarantine lately. His response was that she’s only had one mom so maybe she doesn’t even know what that means.

2.) looking in the mirror, I said to him- “man, I’m glad I’ve finally lost the baby weight! But I wish this stretched out skin weren’t here.” (I’m 5’5 and 122 lbs). He looks at me and says, “that’s not skin, that’s fat. But you can eat better and go to the gym, maybe it will go away. Better than skin because you can’t do anything about that.”

3.) About to go down on me, he says- “are you about to get your period? It smells different.” Obviously, I get super upset.

4.) Kissing, he says- “hey, do you have bacteria in your tonsils? Your breath is bad.” I do have crypted tonsils so will get tonsil stones, but I was still super mortified.

5.) Told our neighbor at dinner that I was glad our family dog died. To be fair, the dog was a jerk, but I definitely wasn’t glad he died!!! Of course I was sad. When I asked him to stop, he looks at me and sneers, “It’s OKAY, everyone knows you hated him”

I finally asked him to separate. This, and other issues, but I’m not sure I can get over these comments. He was “blindsided” according to him. He says those comments aren’t what he meant, and of course made a million excuses. Am I overreacting to them?

1.) hilarious. I would totally laugh at that one.
2.) sounds like he’s being realistic and you’re not and stretched out skin does suck more than just fat so you are lucky there.
3.) he’s being an ass! I would retaliate and tell him his balls smell like steamed cabbage.
4.) he’s being an ass!
5.) he’s being an ass! Puts you in a bad light in front of others.

[Anonymous]

Honestly been with DH ten years and it hasn’t gotten better, only worse. And the longer you’re together, the harder it feels to get out (at least for me). I wish you the courage to grow the spine that I have not been able to grow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here are a few examples of things that have happened lately:

1.) My daughter (3 years old) told me before bed one night that I was “the best mommy ever!” I relayed this story to DH, because DD has been a difficult 3 year old during quarantine lately. His response was that she’s only had one mom so maybe she doesn’t even know what that means.

2.) looking in the mirror, I said to him- “man, I’m glad I’ve finally lost the baby weight! But I wish this stretched out skin weren’t here.” (I’m 5’5 and 122 lbs). He looks at me and says, “that’s not skin, that’s fat. But you can eat better and go to the gym, maybe it will go away. Better than skin because you can’t do anything about that.”

3.) About to go down on me, he says- “are you about to get your period? It smells different.” Obviously, I get super upset.

4.) Kissing, he says- “hey, do you have bacteria in your tonsils? Your breath is bad.” I do have crypted tonsils so will get tonsil stones, but I was still super mortified.

5.) Told our neighbor at dinner that I was glad our family dog died. To be fair, the dog was a jerk, but I definitely wasn’t glad he died!!! Of course I was sad. When I asked him to stop, he looks at me and sneers, “It’s OKAY, everyone knows you hated him”

I finally asked him to separate. This, and other issues, but I’m not sure I can get over these comments. He was “blindsided” according to him. He says those comments aren’t what he meant, and of course made a million excuses. Am I overreacting to them?

1.) hilarious. I would totally laugh at that one.
2.) sounds like he’s being realistic and you’re not and stretched out skin does suck more than just fat so you are lucky there.
3.) he’s being an ass! I would retaliate and tell him his balls smell like steamed cabbage.
4.) he’s being an ass!
5.) he’s being an ass! Puts you in a bad light in front of others.

OP here- thanks for the good laugh and smile tonight

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here are a few examples of things that have happened lately:

1.) My daughter (3 years old) told me before bed one night that I was “the best mommy ever!” I relayed this story to DH, because DD has been a difficult 3 year old during quarantine lately. His response was that she’s only had one mom so maybe she doesn’t even know what that means.

2.) looking in the mirror, I said to him- “man, I’m glad I’ve finally lost the baby weight! But I wish this stretched out skin weren’t here.” (I’m 5’5 and 122 lbs). He looks at me and says, “that’s not skin, that’s fat. But you can eat better and go to the gym, maybe it will go away. Better than skin because you can’t do anything about that.”

3.) About to go down on me, he says- “are you about to get your period? It smells different.” Obviously, I get super upset.

4.) Kissing, he says- “hey, do you have bacteria in your tonsils? Your breath is bad.” I do have crypted tonsils so will get tonsil stones, but I was still super mortified.

5.) Told our neighbor at dinner that I was glad our family dog died. To be fair, the dog was a jerk, but I definitely wasn’t glad he died!!! Of course I was sad. When I asked him to stop, he looks at me and sneers, “It’s OKAY, everyone knows you hated him”

I finally asked him to separate. This, and other issues, but I’m not sure I can get over these comments. He was “blindsided” according to him. He says those comments aren’t what he meant, and of course made a million excuses. Am I overreacting to them?

1.) hilarious. I would totally laugh at that one.
2.) sounds like he’s being realistic and you’re not and stretched out skin does suck more than just fat so you are lucky there.
3.) he’s being an ass! I would retaliate and tell him his balls smell like steamed cabbage.
4.) he’s being an ass!
5.) he’s being an ass! Puts you in a bad light in front of others.

OP here- thanks for the good laugh and smile tonight

Although PS- I look pretty dang good in a bikini- I work out and eat well. The stretched out skin vs fat is negligible, if anything. Probably an inch pinched at the top of my ribcage. I’m not living in candy land with that one.

[Anonymous]

Extreme T on the Thinking-Feeling scale? Asperger?