DH says really mean things to me sometimes....how would you react?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he has resentment built up to me and it's manifesting this way.

Those are not things you should say to someone you love and want to live with. Good for OP on separating. You both need counseling unless you just decide to divorce. There is at least a 3 year old, so I would try working on this.[/quote

OP here- yes, we have a 3.5 and 2 year old. As much as I don’t want to hurt them this is not the relationship I want them to have for themselves.

DH has a history of childhood trauma. I didn’t realize how much it would begin to bleed into our marriage. He wasn’t always like this.

[Anonymous]

Maybe it's not what he meant but it's what he said.

I wouldn't want to be with someone who said those things to me because it would feel as though they really didn't like me.

Does he really like who you really are?

I love my husband but I also like him as a person so even if we weren't married, I wouldn't say things that would hurt his feeling, make him look bad in front of others or that were rude just because they came to mind. I'm sorry OP. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't want to live like that either. Oh wait....I do live like that. Passive aggressive comments, "unintentionally" rude comments, dismissive comments, etc.

I know people that don't live with it would call it being too sensitive, but when it's constant and pervasive, it isn't ok. The other day I was expressing how much I would love to be a detective because I love solving puzzles, researching people and things...after I had found out some obscure bit of information on the internet. His comment. : "yeah....as long as you can just google it, right? Haha". It's this way with everything about me because if a friend had said it and laughed I wouldn't have thought twice about it and would probably have laughed too. But he is demeaning and dismissive about me all of the time, which changes the tone of how you take something, too. There isn't anything "else" to balance those comments out, or to make it seem like he was just being funny if you know what I mean.


Get out if you can. It's demoralizing.

This is my read on it too. Any one thing taken alone, or even all of these read together might not seem that bad but if he's always saying shitty and hurtful things all the time it's not okay. The way I see it, your spouse is the person you spend the most time with, and you should endeavor to be better to them than anyone else. Of course sometimes you'll fall short, but too many people use their spouse as their punching bag and take all their bad attitude out on them so they can put on a good face to outsiders. I wouldn't stay in a marriage like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:sounds like he is nitpicking at everything about you and that would get very old. Have you told him in the past how his comments come across as mean, but he continues to do it? I don't blame you OP and wouldn't be able to deal with that forever myself.

+1 Was he always like this? If not, sounds like there might be an underlying issue. When I am unhappy with DH I find myself nitpicking him and find everything he does and says annoying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:sounds like he is nitpicking at everything about you and that would get very old. Have you told him in the past how his comments come across as mean, but he continues to do it? I don't blame you OP and wouldn't be able to deal with that forever myself.

+1 Was he always like this? If not, sounds like there might be an underlying issue. When I am unhappy with DH I find myself nitpicking him and find everything he does and says annoying.

No. Recently diagnosed with depression, anxiety, dependent and avoidant personality disorder.

[Anonymous]

Op here- I think part of my issue is that he does NOT understand how hurtful these comments are, even after it’s been explained to him. Defensive reaction only.

Regarding #3, I was not, and I was freshly showered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:sounds like he is nitpicking at everything about you and that would get very old. Have you told him in the past how his comments come across as mean, but he continues to do it? I don't blame you OP and wouldn't be able to deal with that forever myself.

+1 Was he always like this? If not, sounds like there might be an underlying issue. When I am unhappy with DH I find myself nitpicking him and find everything he does and says annoying.

No. Recently diagnosed with depression, anxiety, dependent and avoidant personality disorder.

If this is a recent change and he's got a dx, is he getting treatment? I think some leeway can be given for people who have mental illness issues being exacerbated by the stress/anxiety of the pandemic. I'd see if therapy and/or drugs can help but make sure he knows that this is not something you're willing to just have keep happening. (I'm the "don't treat your spouse as a punching bag PP.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He seems very blunt with some rudeness thrown in and you seem sensitive. Bad combo. I'm wondering how you guys ended up married, this seems like incompatible personalities from the start

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:sounds like he is nitpicking at everything about you and that would get very old. Have you told him in the past how his comments come across as mean, but he continues to do it? I don't blame you OP and wouldn't be able to deal with that forever myself.

+1 Was he always like this? If not, sounds like there might be an underlying issue. When I am unhappy with DH I find myself nitpicking him and find everything he does and says annoying.

No. Recently diagnosed with depression, anxiety, dependent and avoidant personality disorder.

If this is a recent change and he's got a dx, is he getting treatment? I think some leeway can be given for people who have mental illness issues being exacerbated by the stress/anxiety of the pandemic. I'd see if therapy and/or drugs can help but make sure he knows that this is not something you're willing to just have keep happening. (I'm the "don't treat your spouse as a punching bag PP.)

No, it’s not a recent change. I would say he wasn’t like this when we were dating/engaged otherwise I wouldn’t have married him.

After I told him that I was leaving, thennnnn he started seeking help (although begging and pleading him to for years before, couples counseling where it treated like it didn’t really mattered, defensiveness, etc). I just feel like some of these are beyond treatment- like “relationships for dummies” and “what not to say to your wife”

I’m pretty set on leaving. He’s begging me to stay. I don’t know whether I could repair a relationship with some of these comments that have been made. I do feel like I’m a sensitive person in general, and moreso recently because I’m always waiting for the next blow.

[Anonymous]

Well, I laughed out loud at #1---but yeah--he's an a-hole.

[Anonymous]

He sounds like a dbag that disrespects his wife, who is supposed to cherish above everything.

Was he always this much of a jerk?

These comments would make me cry if my husband said them to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:sounds like he is nitpicking at everything about you and that would get very old. Have you told him in the past how his comments come across as mean, but he continues to do it? I don't blame you OP and wouldn't be able to deal with that forever myself.

+1 Was he always like this? If not, sounds like there might be an underlying issue. When I am unhappy with DH I find myself nitpicking him and find everything he does and says annoying.

No. Recently diagnosed with depression, anxiety, dependent and avoidant personality disorder.

If this is a recent change and he's got a dx, is he getting treatment? I think some leeway can be given for people who have mental illness issues being exacerbated by the stress/anxiety of the pandemic. I'd see if therapy and/or drugs can help but make sure he knows that this is not something you're willing to just have keep happening. (I'm the "don't treat your spouse as a punching bag PP.)

No, it’s not a recent change. I would say he wasn’t like this when we were dating/engaged otherwise I wouldn’t have married him.

After I told him that I was leaving, thennnnn he started seeking help (although begging and pleading him to for years before, couples counseling where it treated like it didn’t really mattered, defensiveness, etc). I just feel like some of these are beyond treatment- like “relationships for dummies” and “what not to say to your wife”

I’m pretty set on leaving. He’s begging me to stay. I don’t know whether I could repair a relationship with some of these comments that have been made. I do feel like I’m a sensitive person in general, and moreso recently because I’m always waiting for the next blow.

my sister lived through this kind of marriage... just waiting for the next blow... her heart would start to race... she ended up with full fledged anxiety attack. She's now on meds for her anxiety.

She had threatened divorce a few times. Each time, her husband would get better for a bit, then the cycle would continue. Kids are now out of the house, and apparently he's gotten a lot better, so her stress level has gone down.

This impacted her kids, too. They both, at one time, had to get therapy.

Your kids are young. Do what you have to do to make sure they are protected, as well, and you need to also take care of yourself, especially for your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here- I think part of my issue is that he does NOT understand how hurtful these comments are, even after it’s been explained to him. Defensive reaction only.

Regarding #3, I was not, and I was freshly showered.

Well, he is going to realize how hurtful he is when you are standing in front of the judge. His words will wear your down and change your soul.i would not tolerate.

[Anonymous]

Is he blunt/rude like this with other people as well, or just you? A friend of mine married a guy whom we all hated because he made rude and off-putting observations, questions, comments to to everybody. He could tick anyone off within an hour. It's been over 20 years and I was around him last year for the first time in a decade and it dawned on me that he could very well have a mild form of Asperger's. (No one ever talked about Asperger's 20 years ago).

[Anonymous]

He will talk to your kids like that too. You okay with that? I sure wouldn't be. It's possible, but unlikely, that some therapy might help him make some changes in the way he interacts with you.

I will likely get worse as time goes on too.