Daughter wants to shave her head

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As many have pointed out, it isn't the act of shaving her head that is the concern. The concern is that the daughter is already feeling wobbly psychologically. Regardless of her inner circle's support the act has the potential negative social ramifications outside of the family/friend unit. This dramatic of a change coupled with the slightest negative reaction from even a complete stranger may really damage an already shaky psyche. If you do allow her to proceed OP then go slow and do it in stages.

+1, she doesn't understand the social and other implications. I have long curly, frizzy hair. I am not AA and its very hard to deal with. Look at the other solutions. When my hair is shorter (bad hair trim) its a nightmare as I cannot pull it back or braid it as easily and the frizz is a nightmare when I don't Keratin it and blow it dry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know about how the autism changes things, but there is zero way I would say no to this...

Esp for a girl your kid's age
Esp. for a biracial kid (I'm white & so are my kids so i don't have expertise in the latter, but it seems somehow even more acceptable to be black and have short hair)

Its a different hair texture as well if she's mixed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD - not AA but Aspie - wanted her beautiful, long wavy chestnut hair cut very short in early elem school. It was about the time kids need to start taking care of their own hair. She didn’t want to deal with the length and this was her solution to being able to take care of it herself. So off it went.

She was called a boy many times and just dealt with it (good discussion of gender assumptions and stereotypes). As an Aspie, she can’t help but stand out so having short hair when every other little girl had long hair wasn’t as much of an issue.

She has kept it short and has no issues taking care of it herself. Good for her self-esteem and feeling independent. And letting her chose her own style has been a boost too as well as good for our relationship - no more hair battles and we showed we have confidence in her (some of!) her decisions.

OP, I would counsel her to go short to start but back her on her decision. It’s just hair.

The name calling is normal. My son is mistaken for a girl all the time with longer hair. The issue is taking care of it and many kids need help taking care of their hair even as preteens and younger teens. I would not cut OP child's hair drastically. Maybe shorter or in a fun cut but do it slowly over a few cuts at least. We got my son a shirt saying he's a boy, not a girl and there are lots of fun things you can do with a boy but not as easy as a girl.

[Anonymous]

Find some pictures of women online who have the look and if she still wants to do it after seeing those...DO IT. God I wish I had the guts to shave my head.

[Anonymous]

I've been reading Bill Stixrud's book, and one of the things they discuss is that the more teens control in their own lives, the less likely they are to experience anxiety, depression and virtually all mental health problems.

So, I would ask some questions to get her wheels spinning and ensure that she's given this due thought -- but the decision is 100% up to her. Any negative consequences are her consequences to bear, the stakes are low, and it's a great time to experiment not only with a new hairdo, but with making decisions for herself.

Let her take the wheel here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let her shave it. It’s just hair.

Yup. It grows back.

[Anonymous]

Also, have you consulted with people from the non-white culture that is her background? There are special ways to care for hair of different textures. If she is AA, there are many AA salons in the area. If she has roots in another culture, you can probably find a salon that can help.

All that said, it’s just hair. Let her shave it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, have you consulted with people from the non-white culture that is her background? There are special ways to care for hair of different textures. If she is AA, there are many AA salons in the area. If she has roots in another culture, you can probably find a salon that can help.

All that said, it’s just hair. Let her shave it.

What salon is open right now????

[Anonymous]

1. I'd post on the special needs board if I were you. I don't think some here understand the complexities of being on the spectrum.

2. I would tell her you are willing to cut her hair shorter in phases - every three days, you can give her another cut. This way, she can get used to the change gradually and change her mind before you shave her head. Depending how long, you could cut 3-6 inches at a time. I'd make the second-to-last stage very short. She might not want to go full Mr. Clean.

[Anonymous]

My daughter used to have the most beautiful long hair. But she has a lot of sensory issues and HATED having her hair on her neck, so we were constantly having to put it in a ponytail (the tightest, highest ponytail I could manage, which usually meant multiple attempts and crying on her part because I couldn't get it right). She also hated brushing her hair, and I hated having to nag her about it. So we finally cut it off, and she is SO much happier (I am too). I was sad at first, but it has been such a relief (note: it's not shaved, but extremely short).

[Anonymous]

OP here with an update: I convinced her to not shave, but she convinced me to still go very short. Because there are no hair salons open and she HAD to have it done that day (she was adamant), I cut it myself.

It’ll take me a while to get over it, because her hair was beautiful. However, everyday it gets easier because, guess what? She couldn’t be happier. She loves that her hair isn’t making her neck hot and that she doesn’t have to sit through long maintenance sessions and last night she said “mom don’t make a big deal about this, but I think now with my hair shorter my face is more visible and I look a lot nicer”.

She has always been so hard on herself despite always being gorgeous. She never cared about her looks, always said she was ugly, and I thought wanting to shave her hair hair had a little of that built in. So I was very surprised to see self confidence come through with the hair chop. And even though, as I said, I’m still dealing with my own feelings about the hair (or lack thereof), I have to agree, the short hair does bring out her facial features and makes them stand out even more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update: I convinced her to not shave, but she convinced me to still go very short. Because there are no hair salons open and she HAD to have it done that day (she was adamant), I cut it myself.

It’ll take me a while to get over it, because her hair was beautiful. However, everyday it gets easier because, guess what? She couldn’t be happier. She loves that her hair isn’t making her neck hot and that she doesn’t have to sit through long maintenance sessions and last night she said “mom don’t make a big deal about this, but I think now with my hair shorter my face is more visible and I look a lot nicer”.

She has always been so hard on herself despite always being gorgeous. She never cared about her looks, always said she was ugly, and I thought wanting to shave her hair hair had a little of that built in. So I was very surprised to see self confidence come through with the hair chop. And even though, as I said, I’m still dealing with my own feelings about the hair (or lack thereof), I have to agree, the short hair does bring out her facial features and makes them stand out even more.

Good job, mom. You did a good thing and I’m glad she feels good about herself! Thanks for the update.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update: I convinced her to not shave, but she convinced me to still go very short. Because there are no hair salons open and she HAD to have it done that day (she was adamant), I cut it myself.

It’ll take me a while to get over it, because her hair was beautiful. However, everyday it gets easier because, guess what? She couldn’t be happier. She loves that her hair isn’t making her neck hot and that she doesn’t have to sit through long maintenance sessions and last night she said “mom don’t make a big deal about this, but I think now with my hair shorter my face is more visible and I look a lot nicer”.

She has always been so hard on herself despite always being gorgeous. She never cared about her looks, always said she was ugly, and I thought wanting to shave her hair hair had a little of that built in. So I was very surprised to see self confidence come through with the hair chop. And even though, as I said, I’m still dealing with my own feelings about the hair (or lack thereof), I have to agree, the short hair does bring out her facial features and makes them stand out even more.

Well done! Glad she was able to both receive your guidance and make her own decision. Beautiful.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the update. I’m delighted to learn that she’s happy with the way things worked out!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Find some pictures of women online who have the look and if she still wants to do it after seeing those...DO IT. God I wish I had the guts to shave my head.

This. I mean, she will probably have until fall to grow it out.

One of my friends daughters just shaved her head and her mom helped her. She looks fine.