How many of you schedule sex with your spouse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have seen both sides of this

We scheduled it for a few years. Seemed like a good compromise, she knew when it was coming and could pick a good time. I knew it as well as could look forward to it and not initiate and get rejected in between. Problem was we started getting to the once a week and she wasn't into it. At all. So we skipped weeks then months and now we are sexless. And separating.

So I say this:. If you are both enthusiastic and schedule to make sure it happens, then it's great to schedule. If you are doing it to check a box, or to placate your higher drive spouse, you are heading towards inevitable cheating or divorce

You simply did it wrong! If you don’t actually stick to the schedule, then it’s not really “scheduled sex” at all.

Also: of course the main purpose is to placate the higher drive spouse. That’s a feature, not a bug. You have it totally backwards: if you DON’T schedule sex, you are heading towards inevitable cheating or divorce.

If the problem is one partner lacks sexual desire for the other or just in general, a schedule isn’t going to magically make that go away. It’s just going to put pressure on the low desired spouse.

I’m not sure why people aren’t getting this. It’s not really a solution to lack of desire and borderline sexless marriages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What happens when you schedule it, but then aren’t feeling it? You do it anyways? Seems like a gray area of forcing your spouse, or disappointment when it doesn’t come to fruition.

For a spouse that doesn’t want to have sex, a schedule won’t change the lack of desire.

+1

As the lower desire spouse (female), what I think works is letting that person dictate when it happens. I make sure it happens at least once a week but I don’t always have to do it on Wednesday night. Or any night. Could be morning or even afternoon depending on circumstances. Whenever I feel slightly in the mood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happens when you schedule it, but then aren’t feeling it? You do it anyways? Seems like a gray area of forcing your spouse, or disappointment when it doesn’t come to fruition.

For a spouse that doesn’t want to have sex, a schedule won’t change the lack of desire.

+1

As the lower desire spouse (female), what I think works is letting that person dictate when it happens. I make sure it happens at least once a week but I don’t always have to do it on Wednesday night. Or any night. Could be morning or even afternoon depending on circumstances. Whenever I feel slightly in the mood.

Just out of curiosity, once you fulfill your 1, are you ever up for another one in a given week or do you shut It down for the rest of the week?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happens when you schedule it, but then aren’t feeling it? You do it anyways? Seems like a gray area of forcing your spouse, or disappointment when it doesn’t come to fruition.

For a spouse that doesn’t want to have sex, a schedule won’t change the lack of desire.

+1

As the lower desire spouse (female), what I think works is letting that person dictate when it happens. I make sure it happens at least once a week but I don’t always have to do it on Wednesday night. Or any night. Could be morning or even afternoon depending on circumstances. Whenever I feel slightly in the mood.

Just out of curiosity, once you fulfill your 1, are you ever up for another one in a given week or do you shut It down for the rest of the week?

New poster here, we had a schedule of once a week with an understanding that it was shut down the rest of the week. The schedule lasted a couple years but DH would get upset I wasn't into it even on our scheduled time. I can't help that I have zero desire. Like others said, a schedule can make sure it happens but it can't make you want it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happens when you schedule it, but then aren’t feeling it? You do it anyways? Seems like a gray area of forcing your spouse, or disappointment when it doesn’t come to fruition.

For a spouse that doesn’t want to have sex, a schedule won’t change the lack of desire.

+1

As the lower desire spouse (female), what I think works is letting that person dictate when it happens. I make sure it happens at least once a week but I don’t always have to do it on Wednesday night. Or any night. Could be morning or even afternoon depending on circumstances. Whenever I feel slightly in the mood.

Just out of curiosity, once you fulfill your 1, are you ever up for another one in a given week or do you shut It down for the rest of the week?

Sometimes, yeah. Usually it’s him initiating that one.

[Anonymous]

I have plans for tonight so yes, it’s on my schedule. That assumes my children don’t mess things up!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have plans for tonight so yes, it’s on my schedule. That assumes my children don’t mess things up!

Does your spouse know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happens when you schedule it, but then aren’t feeling it? You do it anyways? Seems like a gray area of forcing your spouse, or disappointment when it doesn’t come to fruition.

For a spouse that doesn’t want to have sex, a schedule won’t change the lack of desire.

+1

As the lower desire spouse (female), what I think works is letting that person dictate when it happens. I make sure it happens at least once a week but I don’t always have to do it on Wednesday night. Or any night. Could be morning or even afternoon depending on circumstances. Whenever I feel slightly in the mood.

Just out of curiosity, once you fulfill your 1, are you ever up for another one in a given week or do you shut It down for the rest of the week?

New poster here, we had a schedule of once a week with an understanding that it was shut down the rest of the week. The schedule lasted a couple years but DH would get upset I wasn't into it even on our scheduled time. I can't help that I have zero desire. Like others said, a schedule can make sure it happens but it can't make you want it.

I'm not sure most of us who are scheduling it are in the same shoes - it's not that I have zero desire, it's that I'm freaking TIRED (little kids). I am always into it once we start and glad we did it afterwards!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happens when you schedule it, but then aren’t feeling it? You do it anyways? Seems like a gray area of forcing your spouse, or disappointment when it doesn’t come to fruition.

For a spouse that doesn’t want to have sex, a schedule won’t change the lack of desire.

+1

As the lower desire spouse (female), what I think works is letting that person dictate when it happens. I make sure it happens at least once a week but I don’t always have to do it on Wednesday night. Or any night. Could be morning or even afternoon depending on circumstances. Whenever I feel slightly in the mood.

Just out of curiosity, once you fulfill your 1, are you ever up for another one in a given week or do you shut It down for the rest of the week?

New poster here, we had a schedule of once a week with an understanding that it was shut down the rest of the week. The schedule lasted a couple years but DH would get upset I wasn't into it even on our scheduled time. I can't help that I have zero desire. Like others said, a schedule can make sure it happens but it can't make you want it.

I'm not sure most of us who are scheduling it are in the same shoes - it's not that I have zero desire, it's that I'm freaking TIRED (little kids). I am always into it once we start and glad we did it afterwards!

Did you even bother to read the OP? OP’s wife lacks desire and his marriage is verging on sexless. He thinks if he says “let’s agree to get down every Friday night,” the marriage and sex situation will magically improve.

Come on. Anyone with common sense realizes it won’t work like that for very long. You’re not addressing the root problem, which is the wife’s lower libido.

[Anonymous]

We scheduled sex for years. It worked for a while until it didn't. My wife was the one with low libido and we agreed on a schedule so it happened and we could get out of the initiation and rejection cycle.

Problem became that she really made it clear that it was always for me, she didn't want to have an O, didn't want to do anything other than check the box and get back to what she wanted to do.

Look, I know it can be a compromise that I am supposed to be grateful for. Had she really set aside 30 minutes a week to be fully present and intimate it could have worked. She didn't, it didn't and I am going to announce the separation after COVID-19 passes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have plans for tonight so yes, it’s on my schedule. That assumes my children don’t mess things up!

Does your spouse know?

Oh yes, he promised to shave given he’s been on a 2 day schedule given working from home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have plans for tonight so yes, it’s on my schedule. That assumes my children don’t mess things up!

Does your spouse know?

Oh yes, he promised to shave given he’s been on a 2 day schedule given working from home.

Shave what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We scheduled sex for years. It worked for a while until it didn't. My wife was the one with low libido and we agreed on a schedule so it happened and we could get out of the initiation and rejection cycle.

Problem became that she really made it clear that it was always for me, she didn't want to have an O, didn't want to do anything other than check the box and get back to what she wanted to do.

Look, I know it can be a compromise that I am supposed to be grateful for. Had she really set aside 30 minutes a week to be fully present and intimate it could have worked. She didn't, it didn't and I am going to announce the separation after COVID-19 passes.

Key is will your wife be surprised if you ask for divorce? If so, there’s a communication issue and you haveydome all you can.

[Anonymous]

Who even knows what day it is anymore? Schedules don’t work like they did in the before times. It wouldn’t help us anyway because DH is becoming nocturnal and I don’t swing that way. Good on those of you who still have a sense of time and sex lives though. That must be awesome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We scheduled sex for years. It worked for a while until it didn't. My wife was the one with low libido and we agreed on a schedule so it happened and we could get out of the initiation and rejection cycle.

Problem became that she really made it clear that it was always for me, she didn't want to have an O, didn't want to do anything other than check the box and get back to what she wanted to do.

Look, I know it can be a compromise that I am supposed to be grateful for. Had she really set aside 30 minutes a week to be fully present and intimate it could have worked. She didn't, it didn't and I am going to announce the separation after COVID-19 passes.

Key is will your wife be surprised if you ask for divorce? If so, there’s a communication issue and you haveydome all you can.

Is anyone surprised by divorce in a sexless marriage? Not bring sarcastic, isn't sex universal in marriage and one without sex is going to end unless it's due to a health issues. It's just a matter of when. She doesn't want a divorce but I think it's for financial reasons