how to get past silent treatment from my 11 year old

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:11 year old should be in middle school. Fine to have a phone. I don’t think schools should make that an assignment when they are on computers most of the day.

11 year olds are only in 5th grade. What planet are you from?

Oh no! It's the age/grade posters, back again for more fun! Please stop.

My kid is in 5th and is 10. He'll be 11 in 5th. Summer birthday.

Oh noees indeed. My so turned 11 on October 26th at the beginning of 5th grade.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:11 year old should be in middle school. Fine to have a phone. I don’t think schools should make that an assignment when they are on computers most of the day.

11 year olds are only in 5th grade. What planet are you from?

I live in planet MoCo and my 11 year old is in 6th grade. Most are 12, some are even 13.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would interact with him as normal but I wouldn't do anything extra. I wouldn't drive him to extracurriculars unless he communicated with me. When he does engage I would explain his actions show he's not mature enough for a phone yet and he should think more about how he's acting because his actions now are building the trust for future freedoms like driving. And then I would take the phone away for a long, long time. 6 month minimum and there would be a discussion around rules and behavior before it's used again.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"...I'm going to slap you".

Wow. Get help, for yourself. Even a threat is too much.

I think this was the straw that broke his camel’s back. It can’t be the first time he has goofed off and not complied with orders the first time, so this time you grab him and threaten to slap him? I wouldn’t speak to you either.

[Anonymous]

You need parenting classes, OP.

You didn’t handle it well (threaten to slap), you’re not handling it well now (begging) and most of all, your child should never have had his own phone. He does not have the maturity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What a silly, inappropriate homework assignment. I would question what kind of education my kid is getting from a place that considers this "homework"..

On the contrary, this may be the most important homework assignment of the year.

[Anonymous]

My 12 year old son is on screens too much, so no judgement from me on that. In terms of the silent treatment, that's one of my son's favorites right now. I used to engage him, and now I just ignore him. Eventually he realizes that there's no pay off from the behavior, and he knocks it off. however, I do think this is an opportunity for you to show him how to own mistakes. Threatening to slap him was out of line, but you can apologize to him about it. I have to apologize to my son sometimes, and I hope I'm modeling accountability. I've said, "I was out of line when I did x, y, or z. I'm not proud of my behavior, and I hope you can forgive me. How could we handle a conflict better next time?" For a 12 year old my kid is super reflective because we model it for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would write him a note and leave it on his pillow and say you all lost your tempers and part of being in a family is forgiving and forgetting, and I would tell him you are signing up for a parenting class, which I would highly recommend. I would also not drive him anywhere or do more than put meals on the table for him if this continues. If he continues to be stuck in this, ask the school guidance counselor to see him. It sounds like the phone is a huge deal, and an eleven year old is too young to modulate his use, so I would think long and hard about screen addiction and closely monitor his time and activity on it.

Normally I'd agree with you, but this kid hasn't had his phone since last week and he hasn't said one word about getting it back to either the op OR her husband.

This kid does NOT have a screen addiction (do you know the definition of addiction?).

If he were truly screen addicted, he wouldn't be able to go days and days and days (since last week) without his phone.

If he truly had a screen addiction, he wouldn't be continuing with the silent treatment.
He if course realizes that he has the upper hand in this scenario and he truly has mom exactly where he wants her.

All of her apologizing and attempts to make up indicates to him that he's in complete control of the situation. If he truly had a screen addiction, why wouldn't he use the upper hand in the situation to his advantage, make mom happy by making up with her last week and getting his phone back?

I don't think this kid has a screen addiction at all, no way.

This all began when the teacher told him "no screen time" and then mom told him "hand it over now" then mom told him "to get in here now", etc.

He's not addicted to screens, this kid has an aversion to being controlled... he HATES being told when, where and what to do!

OP has already mentioned that her son is stubborn, which goes completely hand in hand with an aversion to being controlled.

Being stubborn is a way of telling the world "You're NOT going to tell me what do!" and if that means that he's going to cut off his nose to spite his face, well that's what he'd going to do.

Do you think that someone who's ADDICTED to screens, could willingly go without screens, just to make a point??

Please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would write him a note and leave it on his pillow and say you all lost your tempers and part of being in a family is forgiving and forgetting, and I would tell him you are signing up for a parenting class, which I would highly recommend. I would also not drive him anywhere or do more than put meals on the table for him if this continues. If he continues to be stuck in this, ask the school guidance counselor to see him. It sounds like the phone is a huge deal, and an eleven year old is too young to modulate his use, so I would think long and hard about screen addiction and closely monitor his time and activity on it.

Normally I'd agree with you, but this kid hasn't had his phone since last week and he hasn't said one word about getting it back to either the op OR her husband.

This kid does NOT have a screen addiction (do you know the definition of addiction?).

If he were truly screen addicted, he wouldn't be able to go days and days and days (since last week) without his phone.

If he truly had a screen addiction, he wouldn't be continuing with the silent treatment.
He if course realizes that he has the upper hand in this scenario and he truly has mom exactly where he wants her.

All of her apologizing and attempts to make up indicates to him that he's in complete control of the situation. If he truly had a screen addiction, why wouldn't he use the upper hand in the situation to his advantage, make mom happy by making up with her last week and getting his phone back?

I don't think this kid has a screen addiction at all, no way.

This all began when the teacher told him "no screen time" and then mom told him "hand it over now" then mom told him "to get in here now", etc.

He's not addicted to screens, this kid has an aversion to being controlled... he HATES being told when, where and what to do!

OP has already mentioned that her son is stubborn, which goes completely hand in hand with an aversion to being controlled.

Being stubborn is a way of telling the world "You're NOT going to tell me what do!" and if that means that he's going to cut off his nose to spite his face, well that's what he'd going to do.

Do you think that someone who's ADDICTED to screens, could willingly go without screens, just to make a point??

Please.

"willingly"? Sounds like he didn't have a choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would write him a note and leave it on his pillow and say you all lost your tempers and part of being in a family is forgiving and forgetting, and I would tell him you are signing up for a parenting class, which I would highly recommend. I would also not drive him anywhere or do more than put meals on the table for him if this continues. If he continues to be stuck in this, ask the school guidance counselor to see him. It sounds like the phone is a huge deal, and an eleven year old is too young to modulate his use, so I would think long and hard about screen addiction and closely monitor his time and activity on it.

Normally I'd agree with you, but this kid hasn't had his phone since last week and he hasn't said one word about getting it back to either the op OR her husband.

This kid does NOT have a screen addiction (do you know the definition of addiction?).

If he were truly screen addicted, he wouldn't be able to go days and days and days (since last week) without his phone.

If he truly had a screen addiction, he wouldn't be continuing with the silent treatment.
He if course realizes that he has the upper hand in this scenario and he truly has mom exactly where he wants her.

All of her apologizing and attempts to make up indicates to him that he's in complete control of the situation. If he truly had a screen addiction, why wouldn't he use the upper hand in the situation to his advantage, make mom happy by making up with her last week and getting his phone back?

I don't think this kid has a screen addiction at all, no way.

This all began when the teacher told him "no screen time" and then mom told him "hand it over now" then mom told him "to get in here now", etc.

He's not addicted to screens, this kid has an aversion to being controlled... he HATES being told when, where and what to do!

OP has already mentioned that her son is stubborn, which goes completely hand in hand with an aversion to being controlled.

Being stubborn is a way of telling the world "You're NOT going to tell me what do!" and if that means that he's going to cut off his nose to spite his face, well that's what he'd going to do.

Do you think that someone who's ADDICTED to screens, could willingly go without screens, just to make a point??

Please.

"willingly"? Sounds like he didn't have a choice.

NP but I agree, if he were addicted he would be doing what it take to get the phone back and grumbling all the way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would write him a note and leave it on his pillow and say you all lost your tempers and part of being in a family is forgiving and forgetting, and I would tell him you are signing up for a parenting class, which I would highly recommend. I would also not drive him anywhere or do more than put meals on the table for him if this continues. If he continues to be stuck in this, ask the school guidance counselor to see him. It sounds like the phone is a huge deal, and an eleven year old is too young to modulate his use, so I would think long and hard about screen addiction and closely monitor his time and activity on it.

Normally I'd agree with you, but this kid hasn't had his phone since last week and he hasn't said one word about getting it back to either the op OR her husband.

This kid does NOT have a screen addiction (do you know the definition of addiction?).

If he were truly screen addicted, he wouldn't be able to go days and days and days (since last week) without his phone.

If he truly had a screen addiction, he wouldn't be continuing with the silent treatment.
He if course realizes that he has the upper hand in this scenario and he truly has mom exactly where he wants her.

All of her apologizing and attempts to make up indicates to him that he's in complete control of the situation. If he truly had a screen addiction, why wouldn't he use the upper hand in the situation to his advantage, make mom happy by making up with her last week and getting his phone back?

I don't think this kid has a screen addiction at all, no way.

This all began when the teacher told him "no screen time" and then mom told him "hand it over now" then mom told him "to get in here now", etc.

He's not addicted to screens, this kid has an aversion to being controlled... he HATES being told when, where and what to do!

OP has already mentioned that her son is stubborn, which goes completely hand in hand with an aversion to being controlled.

Being stubborn is a way of telling the world "You're NOT going to tell me what do!" and if that means that he's going to cut off his nose to spite his face, well that's what he'd going to do.

Do you think that someone who's ADDICTED to screens, could willingly go without screens, just to make a point??

Please.

"willingly"? Sounds like he didn't have a choice.

NP but I agree, if he were addicted he would be doing what it take to get the phone back and grumbling all the way.

The PP above has it spot on and the bolded PP needs to get a clue.

You don't think he had a choice?
Of course he had a choice!
Don't you understand that he's in charge right now? I know it, OP knows it and yes, HE knows it.

The kid without a doubt has the upper hand in this scenario and he one million percent not only knows it, but he loves it!

Mom couldn't make it any more obvious than she has been to show him that she's not in control. She's literally falling all over herself trying to get him to throw her some kind of bone and he is not having it and he's not budging.

Does that seriously sound like the kind of kid that's addicted to his screen time?
I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say NO.

OP, your son is keeping up the silent treatment because he enjoys the reversal of power with you (and that is not a kid who's addicted to screen time, that is a kid with a strong, stubborn will).

I suspect that if he truly wanted his phone back, all he would have had to do was kiss up to her a little, give her a hug, tell her her loves her and hates fighting with her and end the charade right there -- no more silent treatment for mom.

Mom in turn would have been so relieved, she would have returned that phone to him in a heartbeat, just to get things back to the way they were. She definitely wouldn't deny him of it, because she'd be afraid that he'd start the silent treatment all over again (if you doubt this, read her original post again and you'll see that it's laden with anxiety and fear).
She definitely would have returned the phone for fear of starting World War III.

Nope, this is not a kid who is jonesing for his phone. This is a kid who's experiencing his first taste of power and you can bet that he's enjoying that power position far too much to even think about giving it up (especially for something as inconsequential as a cell phone).

OP, your kid is smart -- way too smart.
He's manipulating the $hit out of you right now and if I were you, I'd get you all in to see a family counselor right now.

This is WAY above your pay grade to deal with, OP and I'm concerned that you're possibly enabling him to keep doing this to you, simply based on his perceiving your actions and desperation to get things back to the way they were.

Get into family counseling now OP, or the teen years are gonna be a total nightmare for you with this strong willed, stubborn, highly intelligent kid of yours.

[Anonymous]

He was just butt hurt over the phone. The circling the house game is highly irritating, but you need to keep your cool. He needs to understand he's not entitled to the phone 24/7. Let him cool off, then start doing something regularly with him, like playing games or reading together. Build rapport so it's not such an oppositional relationship. Start meditating so you are intentional about how you act and are not just reacting to every annoying thing he does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would interact with him as normal but I wouldn't do anything extra. I wouldn't drive him to extracurriculars unless he communicated with me. When he does engage I would explain his actions show he's not mature enough for a phone yet and he should think more about how he's acting because his actions now are building the trust for future freedoms like driving. And then I would take the phone away for a long, long time. 6 month minimum and there would be a discussion around rules and behavior before it's used again.

This.

+1
If he can't say thank you for a ride, he does not get driven to extra curriculars.
Phone goes away indefinitely.

[Anonymous]

I’d threaten to slap him too. If he back talks me to the tenth degree, I would really slap him then. In the summer ship him to a d St Levi all camp discouraging technology

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would write him a note and leave it on his pillow and say you all lost your tempers and part of being in a family is forgiving and forgetting, and I would tell him you are signing up for a parenting class, which I would highly recommend. I would also not drive him anywhere or do more than put meals on the table for him if this continues. If he continues to be stuck in this, ask the school guidance counselor to see him. It sounds like the phone is a huge deal, and an eleven year old is too young to modulate his use, so I would think long and hard about screen addiction and closely monitor his time and activity on it.

Normally I'd agree with you, but this kid hasn't had his phone since last week and he hasn't said one word about getting it back to either the op OR her husband.

This kid does NOT have a screen addiction (do you know the definition of addiction?).

If he were truly screen addicted, he wouldn't be able to go days and days and days (since last week) without his phone.

If he truly had a screen addiction, he wouldn't be continuing with the silent treatment.
He if course realizes that he has the upper hand in this scenario and he truly has mom exactly where he wants her.

All of her apologizing and attempts to make up indicates to him that he's in complete control of the situation. If he truly had a screen addiction, why wouldn't he use the upper hand in the situation to his advantage, make mom happy by making up with her last week and getting his phone back?

I don't think this kid has a screen addiction at all, no way.

This all began when the teacher told him "no screen time" and then mom told him "hand it over now" then mom told him "to get in here now", etc.

He's not addicted to screens, this kid has an aversion to being controlled... he HATES being told when, where and what to do!

OP has already mentioned that her son is stubborn, which goes completely hand in hand with an aversion to being controlled.

Being stubborn is a way of telling the world "You're NOT going to tell me what do!" and if that means that he's going to cut off his nose to spite his face, well that's what he'd going to do.

Do you think that someone who's ADDICTED to screens, could willingly go without screens, just to make a point??

Please.

"willingly"? Sounds like he didn't have a choice.

NP but I agree, if he were addicted he would be doing what it take to get the phone back and grumbling all the way.

The PP above has it spot on and the bolded PP needs to get a clue.

You don't think he had a choice?
Of course he had a choice!
Don't you understand that he's in charge right now? I know it, OP knows it and yes, HE knows it.

The kid without a doubt has the upper hand in this scenario and he one million percent not only knows it, but he loves it!

Mom couldn't make it any more obvious than she has been to show him that she's not in control. She's literally falling all over herself trying to get him to throw her some kind of bone and he is not having it and he's not budging.

Does that seriously sound like the kind of kid that's addicted to his screen time?
I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say NO.

OP, your son is keeping up the silent treatment because he enjoys the reversal of power with you (and that is not a kid who's addicted to screen time, that is a kid with a strong, stubborn will).

I suspect that if he truly wanted his phone back, all he would have had to do was kiss up to her a little, give her a hug, tell her her loves her and hates fighting with her and end the charade right there -- no more silent treatment for mom.

Mom in turn would have been so relieved, she would have returned that phone to him in a heartbeat, just to get things back to the way they were. She definitely wouldn't deny him of it, because she'd be afraid that he'd start the silent treatment all over again (if you doubt this, read her original post again and you'll see that it's laden with anxiety and fear).
She definitely would have returned the phone for fear of starting World War III.

Nope, this is not a kid who is jonesing for his phone. This is a kid who's experiencing his first taste of power and you can bet that he's enjoying that power position far too much to even think about giving it up (especially for something as inconsequential as a cell phone).

OP, your kid is smart -- way too smart.
He's manipulating the $hit out of you right now and if I were you, I'd get you all in to see a family counselor right now.

This is WAY above your pay grade to deal with, OP and I'm concerned that you're possibly enabling him to keep doing this to you, simply based on his perceiving your actions and desperation to get things back to the way they were.

Get into family counseling now OP, or the teen years are gonna be a total nightmare for you with this strong willed, stubborn, highly intelligent kid of yours.

Excellent, excellent points PP!

I can’t understand how some of you think this is about a phone.
its nowhere near about the phone - it’s all about control.
Think carefully about your next conversation with him OP and please don’t mention the phone, because the phone is the complete opposite of what this is about (and if you act like it is about the phone, your kid will know that you know nothing about what’s going on with him).

For those of you saying it’s about the phone think about this; the kid hasn't had the phone in like a week and he haven’t asked for it once nor cared enough about that he doesn’t have it to stop giving the silent treatment— does that seem like the phone is important to him?
What’s has he become very invested in, if not the phone? The silent treatment!
The silent treatment is a manipulative way of controlling ones situation (ie; NOT about the phone).

He cares more about giving the silent treatment to his mom than he cares about asking her for the phone, how is that not obvious?