how to get past silent treatment from my 11 year old

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This child is in 5th or 6th grade? He's not ready for a phone. Clearly.

I agree you ignore him. People who give the silent treatment do it to try to control you or punish you. It is emotional abuse. Usually it's adults doing it to children (my mother did it to me) or adults doing it to other adults. But it's very manipulative and emotionally abusive. You give it power and life when you continue to try to interact with the person and break down the silence.

Long-term, 100 percent family therapy. Not a good dynamic.

+1

[Anonymous]

Why does an 11 year old even have a phone?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t have driven him to soccer.

And the phone is definitely off the table from now on. He’s showing you he can’t handle having a phone by throwing a tantrum - why do you not believe him?

Stop trying to talk to him. The consequence for the silent treatment is that aside from school, the only place you drive him to is the therapists office. I agree to ask the school counselor to talk to him at school and let him know if he misses X days of soccer, he’s off the team or whatever other extracurriculars he’s involved in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly OP, is this the way conflict is settled in your house, through the silent treatment? Where did he learn this behavior?

He's 11, not 2. Kids learn stuff from lots of places, not just home.

Do you even have kids? 2 year olds don't learn conflict skillsfrom parents, 11 year olds do!

I have an 11 year old. He learns things (not this, but other things) from lots of places, not just home. He goes to school, watches tv, reads books, has friends, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't get past that you drove him to soccer! I don't care if he is letting the team down. Let him explain to his coach that his outburst was rude to his parents and they refused a ride. Does your DS always run the show in your house?

This!!!!

An eleven year old throwing a tantrum like a toddler and he gets rewarded by getting rides to soccer? Unbelievable!

I do are if he gets kicked off the team - actually, that would be a great natural consequence if he decides to keep up the tantrums. Instead of soccer he gets to go a therapist every week until he can start acting his age.

[Anonymous]

11 year old should be in middle school. Fine to have a phone. I don’t think schools should make that an assignment when they are on computers most of the day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:11 year old should be in middle school. Fine to have a phone. I don’t think schools should make that an assignment when they are on computers most of the day.

11 year olds are only in 5th grade. What planet are you from?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does an 11 year old even have a phone?

+1 Ridiculous

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:11 year old should be in middle school. Fine to have a phone. I don’t think schools should make that an assignment when they are on computers most of the day.

11 year olds are only in 5th grade. What planet are you from?

No, some kids on the younger end of the year (a summer birthday) will be 11 in 6th grade, which is middle school in some areas around here. Most kids will turn 11 at some point during 5th grade, but some might not turn 11 until right before 6th and will be 11 the whole year.

I also think it's nuts to give an 11 year old a phone, but plenty of people do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Currently my 11 year old isn't speaking to me. Please try to be helpful here, this is upsetting me terribly.

I'll try to keep this short - picked him up from school one day last week and he was whiny and petulant. Said his homework assignment was no electronics for one evening. No biggie, put together a lego, we can do something together, it'll be fine (says I). He refuses to get out of the car when we get home and says assignment doesn't start til he crosses the door. Starts using phone when he gets inside. Refuses to hand it over. Whiny whiny whiny the entire time (it's not fair, it's stupid, etc). Goes onto porch clutching his phone because that's not "inside the door." (remember it was freezing cold last week). I say, seems like this assignment has struck a nerve, hand over the phone (whiny the entire time, lashing out - now I'm taking phone away as punishment).

OK, so moving on. Time for dinner. I ask him to come into kitchen to help me with dinner. Refuses. Starts playing this "game" where he's circling the house, always once room away, refusing to answer me or now my husband who is trailing after him from room to room. I yell at him to get into the kitchen now.

Bottom line - at this point I've lost all patience with him.

He finally comes in kitchen, points at food, says very sarcastically, are you happy now? And I grab him and say "you better straighten up, or I am going to slap you!" He twists away. (Note - there has never been any corporal punishment in the house).

DH and I try to cool down at this point, but he's having none of it.

DH leaves for meeting, I take him to soccer, try to talk to him in the car - Hey, let's talk about this, we've had a bad evening, let's get past it, don't let this fester, we need to talk...nothing.

And he's refused to talk to me since.

He's not gotten his phone back. I've tried to treat him normally, saying a pleasant good morning, good night, hug him, pat his shoulder when passing (as I would usually do). I've tried talking to him one on one - please don't give me the silent treatment, it's not fair, I need your to talk to me and we can work this out, pleas let's talk about it, now that we're all calm - no response.

It's awful. He's incredibly stubborn. How do you get past this?

Even though you have his phone you have lost ALL leverage OP by your continued actions of basically crawling to him begging for attention and pleading for forgiveness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:11 year old should be in middle school. Fine to have a phone. I don’t think schools should make that an assignment when they are on computers most of the day.

11 year olds are only in 5th grade. What planet are you from?

Oh no! It's the age/grade posters, back again for more fun! Please stop.

My kid is in 5th and is 10. He'll be 11 in 5th. Summer birthday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly OP, is this the way conflict is settled in your house, through the silent treatment? Where did he learn this behavior?

He's 11, not 2. Kids learn stuff from lots of places, not just home.

Do you even have kids? 2 year olds don't learn conflict skillsfrom parents, 11 year olds do!

I agree that they learn from a host of sources by 11. And some is entirely inate. Some people shut down and go silent when they are pissed off

[Anonymous]

Is your tween normally like this, OP? Something about this struck a real chord with him. I hated as a kid all the random rules/assignments of adults. They infuriated me. Unfortunately for my parents, I was not the type to give the silent treatment. I was more the rage and fury type.

Try to back off and don't take it so personally.

[Anonymous]

I have a 5th grade 11 year old. If he didn’t give up his device, I take it. If he does not want to come to dinner, he goes hungry. I would still off to drive him to soccer, but I would treat him normally with the silent treatment and take any non answers as “no”. - I may enjoy it too much. “Honey, unless you say otherwise, I’m planning on making (something I love but you don’t) for dinner, any objections?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly OP, is this the way conflict is settled in your house, through the silent treatment? Where did he learn this behavior?

I’d also be concerned about his way of handling anger. It was a school assignment and he does this to his family? Something is off.