how to get past silent treatment from my 11 year old

[Anonymous]

Currently my 11 year old isn't speaking to me. Please try to be helpful here, this is upsetting me terribly.

I'll try to keep this short - picked him up from school one day last week and he was whiny and petulant. Said his homework assignment was no electronics for one evening. No biggie, put together a lego, we can do something together, it'll be fine (says I). He refuses to get out of the car when we get home and says assignment doesn't start til he crosses the door. Starts using phone when he gets inside. Refuses to hand it over. Whiny whiny whiny the entire time (it's not fair, it's stupid, etc). Goes onto porch clutching his phone because that's not "inside the door." (remember it was freezing cold last week). I say, seems like this assignment has struck a nerve, hand over the phone (whiny the entire time, lashing out - now I'm taking phone away as punishment).

OK, so moving on. Time for dinner. I ask him to come into kitchen to help me with dinner. Refuses. Starts playing this "game" where he's circling the house, always once room away, refusing to answer me or now my husband who is trailing after him from room to room. I yell at him to get into the kitchen now.

Bottom line - at this point I've lost all patience with him.

He finally comes in kitchen, points at food, says very sarcastically, are you happy now? And I grab him and say "you better straighten up, or I am going to slap you!" He twists away. (Note - there has never been any corporal punishment in the house).

DH and I try to cool down at this point, but he's having none of it.

DH leaves for meeting, I take him to soccer, try to talk to him in the car - Hey, let's talk about this, we've had a bad evening, let's get past it, don't let this fester, we need to talk...nothing.

And he's refused to talk to me since.

He's not gotten his phone back. I've tried to treat him normally, saying a pleasant good morning, good night, hug him, pat his shoulder when passing (as I would usually do). I've tried talking to him one on one - please don't give me the silent treatment, it's not fair, I need your to talk to me and we can work this out, pleas let's talk about it, now that we're all calm - no response.

It's awful. He's incredibly stubborn. How do you get past this?

[Anonymous]

Ignore him.

[Anonymous]

Let him be.

Tweens and preteens need space to process.

[Anonymous]

This child is in 5th or 6th grade? He's not ready for a phone. Clearly.

I agree you ignore him. People who give the silent treatment do it to try to control you or punish you. It is emotional abuse. Usually it's adults doing it to children (my mother did it to me) or adults doing it to other adults. But it's very manipulative and emotionally abusive. You give it power and life when you continue to try to interact with the person and break down the silence.

Long-term, 100 percent family therapy. Not a good dynamic.

[Anonymous]

I would write him a note and leave it on his pillow and say you all lost your tempers and part of being in a family is forgiving and forgetting, and I would tell him you are signing up for a parenting class, which I would highly recommend. I would also not drive him anywhere or do more than put meals on the table for him if this continues. If he continues to be stuck in this, ask the school guidance counselor to see him. It sounds like the phone is a huge deal, and an eleven year old is too young to modulate his use, so I would think long and hard about screen addiction and closely monitor his time and activity on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let him be.

Tweens and preteens need space to process.

And don't respond by yelling or by ignoring him. Just carry on as you have been doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This child is in 5th or 6th grade? He's not ready for a phone. Clearly.

I agree you ignore him. People who give the silent treatment do it to try to control you or punish you. It is emotional abuse. Usually it's adults doing it to children (my mother did it to me) or adults doing it to other adults. But it's very manipulative and emotionally abusive. You give it power and life when you continue to try to interact with the person and break down the silence.

Long-term, 100 percent family therapy. Not a good dynamic.

This exactly. No phone at least until there’s been a few sessions with a good family therapist, AND a signed agreement regarding his use of your cell phone. It IS yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let him be.

Tweens and preteens need space to process.

This. First, I would tell him to let me know when he's ready to talk. Then I would continue to interact as I normally would, without expecting anything from him. So I would say hello, good-bye as I normally do, not expecting anything in return. I would not beg him to talk to me. I would not do anything extra for him either.

[Anonymous]

OP I find it interesting that your main concern is not your child's reaction to having to give up his phone for one evening (which is !!!! and what you should be asking for advice about), but the fact that you are getting the silent treatment. I would think about that. He's not your friend. You do what's best for him as his parent and many times he won't like you and you won't be popular with him for doing so.

[Anonymous]

In the long run, get him with a therapist to talk about the impact of giving the silent treatment and why he's doing it. It's super dysfunctional and he will carry that into adult relationships if you just let it go.

Of course tweens and teens need to process and need their space and all that. But that's not the silent treatment.

[Anonymous]

Honestly OP, is this the way conflict is settled in your house, through the silent treatment? Where did he learn this behavior?

[Anonymous]

If he isn't going to speak to you, stop trying to engage. He knows that you want him to talk to you, and he's exerting power by having you keep chasing after him. He will come around eventually on his own.

[Anonymous]

"...I'm going to slap you".

Wow. Get help, for yourself. Even a threat is too much.

[Anonymous]

OP it's good you were honest on here. First off, do not ever threaten to physically harm your kid and don't grab him when angry. Bad news.

Also, an 11 year old does not gave a ton of coping methods yet. Silent treatment is NOT emotional abuse at this age in this circumstance. It is a helluva lot better than him throwing things, tantrumming, hurling insults or destroying something. If you want him to have better tools, get him help, but enough with people saying an 11 year old who is upset is being emotionally abusive by not talking.

Kids this age are often not mature enough to deal with regulating themselves with phones. It's a lot easier to set and reinforce boundaries before you give the phone, but too late for that. Time to calmly establish boundaries and if you can't reinforce get help from a therapist.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you need to take away that phone for a longer amount of time.

He's addicted.

My husband is strict about enforcing electronic/phone/xbox limits. Much better than me. The kids initially whined. Now the rules are set and he also has put a time limit on the phone where they can no longer play games. I found it annoying at first because I WAH and I'm the one that initially has to deal with the complaints and, frankly, it's easier to give in. But, I see what a big difference it has made and how much more responsible they are all the way around. Chores also have to be done. They do have sports practice 3 nights per week.

But, over time it has gotten so much easier to enforce without pushback and they read much more as a result. They also come up with more games (okay wrestling in the basement--or soccer etc), draw.

They are 11 and 14.

Your kid might also be hangry. My 11-year old is plain awful sometimes after school when is hangry since he isn't much of a lunch eater. Healthy snack as soon as he comes through the door....