how to get past silent treatment from my 11 year old

[Anonymous]

Let the little sh*t sulk in silence.

The phone is the BIG ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM. Clearly, you need to start setting much stricter limits about the use of the phone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let him be.

Tweens and preteens need space to process.

And don't respond by yelling or by ignoring him. Just carry on as you have been doing.

Exactly. You behave normally, and he will run out of steam. There's nothing to fuel the bad behavior if you don't rise to respond.

Waging a war on your parents is tiring, and with time to process without interference, he'll probably return back to his normal state. But the more you do in response, the more he will do in response, too. It's more fuel for the fire. Let it burn out naturally, and then when it is long over and you are in a good moment together, talk about it without all the high emotion.

[Anonymous]

I can't get past that you drove him to soccer! I don't care if he is letting the team down. Let him explain to his coach that his outburst was rude to his parents and they refused a ride. Does your DS always run the show in your house?

[Anonymous]

I think I might calmly announce that every day of this attitude and tantrum from him (which it is) is one more day of absolutely no screens. Make a big check on the wall calendar or something each evening so he can see the days adding up. And that when screens do start again, there will be some new rules and some serious discussions about addiction and respect. Be strong and stick with it.

He WILL make you and DH dinner. Don’t let that one slide.

No play dates, soccer practices, or any other extra until he is fully in line. If he loses his place on the team, natural consequences.

If you have not apologized directly for losing your temper and threatening him with slapping, I would definitely do that. Good morning and have a good day, dear from you, but don’t grovel.

So sorry, OP, this sounds wretched.
If no progress in a week, a therapist might be in order, but right now it just sounds like an addicted kid going through withdrawal and all the drama around it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly OP, is this the way conflict is settled in your house, through the silent treatment? Where did he learn this behavior?

He's 11, not 2. Kids learn stuff from lots of places, not just home.

[Anonymous]

You should apologize for the slap threat and otherwise ignore the silent treatment-re-evaluate if it continues. (No trailing after him from room to room!)

He’s addicted to electronics and you should go cold turkey. In a few weeks he can have limited time back but tell him any misbehavior of this type again will let you know he’s not able to use electronics in moderation and will result in cold turkey again. Stick to it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In the long run, get him with a therapist to talk about the impact of giving the silent treatment and why he's doing it. It's super dysfunctional and he will carry that into adult relationships if you just let it go.

Of course tweens and teens need to process and need their space and all that. But that's not the silent treatment.

+1 My sister (32) STILL uses the silent treatment. I know why: because for her entire childhood and adolescence she used it to get everything she wanted from our parents, and it worked.

[Anonymous]

To the OP I wish nothing but strength and good feelings.
I'm there with you -- and my kid and I are going through similar battles.

Don't overthink the slap threat so much. (Or even a single slap). He's emotionally manipulating you, too. You're a human being and sometimes "not good" moments do happen.

Family therapy is a good idea so that everyone gets on the same side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This child is in 5th or 6th grade? He's not ready for a phone. Clearly.

I agree you ignore him. People who give the silent treatment do it to try to control you or punish you. It is emotional abuse. Usually it's adults doing it to children (my mother did it to me) or adults doing it to other adults. But it's very manipulative and emotionally abusive. You give it power and life when you continue to try to interact with the person and break down the silence.

Long-term, 100 percent family therapy. Not a good dynamic.

This exactly. No phone at least until there’s been a few sessions with a good family therapist, AND a signed agreement regarding his use of your cell phone. It IS yours.

You don't need to go to a therapist because your kid is acting bratty. OMG. Take away the phone until he can act mature enough to have one.

[Anonymous]

I don't let the school dictate electronics but mine would lose electronics for a few days with that behavior. Why the threats? Pointless and escalates the situation.

[Anonymous]

The first issue for me here is a teacher dictating what my kid can do as far as using screens after school. We are a low screen family but this assignment would irk me and I probably would have said DD didnt have to do it.

Having said that, you went through with it and now your kid is being a disrespectful jerk. I would tell him he has X amount of time to get himself together and act like a human being or his life is in for a drastic change. Losing the phone permanently is on the table if he continues this. If he doesnt want to talk he can go straight to his room when he gets home and stay there until bedtime.
I wouldnt put up with it.

[Anonymous]

Stop talking to him. Every time you talk to him, in his head, he's deciding not to talk to you for that entire day.

You totally screwed up by:

1. Forcing him to do the assignment (you should have let him not do it, and deal with the consequence)
2. Threatening to slap him

Now you know you have a kid addicted to his phone. When he gets his phone back it needs to be VERY stripped down - so he can text you, dad, and police basically. No games, no internet, nothing fun.

When he's ready to talk again, you need to tell him that what he did was immature and unacceptable. If he ever does that again, he will spend all time in his room aside from school. No soccer, no dinners out, no friends, nothing. He can eat alone at a table by himself if he's going to refuse to speak to the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly OP, is this the way conflict is settled in your house, through the silent treatment? Where did he learn this behavior?

He's 11, not 2. Kids learn stuff from lots of places, not just home.

Do you even have kids? 2 year olds don't learn conflict skillsfrom parents, 11 year olds do!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In the long run, get him with a therapist to talk about the impact of giving the silent treatment and why he's doing it. It's super dysfunctional and he will carry that into adult relationships if you just let it go.

Of course tweens and teens need to process and need their space and all that. But that's not the silent treatment.

+1 My sister (32) STILL uses the silent treatment. I know why: because for her entire childhood and adolescence she used it to get everything she wanted from our parents, and it worked.

Yes. My father used the silent treatment, and it was so upsetting to me as a kid. But I also copied it (as I’m pretty sure he copied it from his parents) and didn’t understand until I was an adult how manipulative it was. I’m so glad I figured it out before I had kids and could avoid perpetuating such an unhealthy behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This child is in 5th or 6th grade? He's not ready for a phone. Clearly.

I agree you ignore him. People who give the silent treatment do it to try to control you or punish you. It is emotional abuse. Usually it's adults doing it to children (my mother did it to me) or adults doing it to other adults. But it's very manipulative and emotionally abusive. You give it power and life when you continue to try to interact with the person and break down the silence.

Long-term, 100 percent family therapy. Not a good dynamic.

This exactly. No phone at least until there’s been a few sessions with a good family therapist, AND a signed agreement regarding his use of your cell phone. It IS yours.

You don't need to go to a therapist because your kid is acting bratty. OMG. Take away the phone until he can act mature enough to have one.

Therapy is rarely a bad idea. It doesn’t mean anyone has failed or is ill, just that some new strategies might be helpful.