How to survive an unhappy marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what you are saying is that you want more sex? Not really an emotional revival? Buy her some gaba supplements, it might work.
Also, how bad are you at sex? Meaning at doing your duty to her? Most women just give up as their husbands are utterly clueless and heck, even when you tell them, show them, next time they can't do it right, again. I wouldn't be up for something that was a boring duty.

Why would a woman date (let alone marry) a dude who is bad at sex? That's colossal stupidity and quite an insult to women.

The majority of men I dated weren’t good at sex. The two who were actually good weren’t good for being life partners.

I’m lucky to orgasm easily from PIV even when it isn’t great but sexual talent is rare.

+1. And the lack of skill isn’t helped by ED issues that’s part of aging: As for Cialis, viagra, etc. just because you get over ED issues with medication doesn’t improve sex skills either especially when it becomes all about being hard enough to do it.

[Anonymous]

Read His Needs, Her Needs.
Meet your wife’s needs and talk to her about meeting yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, OP, I am a man in a similar boat as you but I had an affair - having one now. Sleeping in the guest room too. I tried everything, then I realized that my wife just is fine with the status quo and really has no sexual desire at all (or for me, it doesn't really matter).

It's not ideal but I am with my family and we get along better oddly enough. I assume she suspects something, she isn't that naive to think a man with options is going to be celibate.

What is your hang up about an affair? Worst that happens is you get caught and divorce anyway. It's all no fault. And perhaps when you have a spring in your step again, she will find you more attractive.

Are you kidding me? You're encouraging someone else to have an affair like it's no big deal? Hello, it's wrong if your wife hasn't agreed to it.

What if this happened to your daughter and she's hurt? Whose side will you take at that time: your daughter or the cheater? I'm serious: Will your loyalty be with your daughter?

Y o u are a sociopath to talk so n poo nonchalantly about encouraging someone else to cheat.

Agree. Cheating is not the solution. Instead he should first declare the marriage open, and THEN go out and meet his needs.

If my daughter did not want sex with her husband, I would not feel any different because opening this marriage is the only way to save it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, OP, I am a man in a similar boat as you but I had an affair - having one now. Sleeping in the guest room too. I tried everything, then I realized that my wife just is fine with the status quo and really has no sexual desire at all (or for me, it doesn't really matter).

It's not ideal but I am with my family and we get along better oddly enough. I assume she suspects something, she isn't that naive to think a man with options is going to be celibate.

What is your hang up about an affair? Worst that happens is you get caught and divorce anyway. It's all no fault. And perhaps when you have a spring in your step again, she will find you more attractive.

Are you kidding me? You're encouraging someone else to have an affair like it's no big deal? Hello, it's wrong if your wife hasn't agreed to it.

What if this happened to your daughter and she's hurt? Whose side will you take at that time: your daughter or the cheater? I'm serious: Will your loyalty be with your daughter?

Y o u are a sociopath to talk so n poo nonchalantly about encouraging someone else to cheat.

I’m in a low sex marriage and agree with this. Not getting enough sex doesn’t entitle you to cheat. If you don’t like it, divorce. Otherwise learn to cope.

But not getting enough sex DOES entitle you to declare the marriage open. If she doesn’t like that, let her be the one to divorce. But that makes her an evil hypocrite: sex is not important enough to have it, but (simultaneously) is soooo important that would divorce if you do that unimportant thing elsewhere.

“Learn to cope” is an absurd statement to make, total nonsense impossibility that is even more sociopathic than the PP who suggested cheating.

[Anonymous]

Divorce is off the table due to 2 elementary-aged children and our social life as a couple is deeply intertwined with our extended families and church community.

End of discussion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your options are divorce, cheat or be sexually miserable. Weigh the risks and benefits of each.

Wrong. There’s also discussing an open marriage.

[Anonymous]

OP, you might be going through the mid life unhappiness (look up happiness curve). This is what is seen across cultures and that happiness curve starts to rise after some time. This means that many things you are complaining about your wife that you had previously accepted because of your unhappiness. You’re just fault finding at this point to justify feeling this unhappiness. Atlantic magazine has an interesting article on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your options are divorce, cheat or be sexually miserable. Weigh the risks and benefits of each.

Wrong. There’s also discussing an open marriage.

Serious question - how many couples do you know that are in one? And have successfully navigated one? I am sure they are out there but I don't know one. I know many, many people who have cheated and remain married.

[Anonymous]

Most people cheat in your scenario, but since you won't here's the best you can do:

Keep in great shape, invest in good fitting clothes, do a 180 and go out more, give your wife space and create some mystery again. Go for massages, that will placate somewhat your need for touch. Flirt when appropriate with women and be the kind of man women are attracted to.

You wife probably won't change but you will feel better about your situation getting female attention again. Just having options to have sex with someone else makes it seem so less dour. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your options are divorce, cheat or be sexually miserable. Weigh the risks and benefits of each.

Wrong. There’s also discussing an open marriage.

This discussion goes like this: “you don’t want a normal active sex life with me? Our marriage is now open. Pass the salt please”

[Anonymous]

Get help with the snoring. Are you overweight? Do you drink at night? You're going to need to get help with this if you want to sleep in the same bedroom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When couples say they have to stay together for the children, and then describe a very unhealthy relationship dynamic (ie. “Never touch,” and sleep in separate rooms)...I always think, “Why do you assume that divorce us worse than what you are modeling for your children?” Think about what they are learning from your example of how married couples relate.

You can follow all the rigid rules you have memorized (ie divorce = bad)...but so is what they are seeing everyday.

I am also bothered by your comment that you are doing what you can to ignite passion by earning a certain amount of money. That only goes together if you think women can be bought or are gold diggers. So your ideas sound very old fashioned and not progressive.

I am sorry you are unhappy but I do think you need to share your honest feelings with your wife, and try counseling together (with a qualified therapist, not church leader). Good luck.

I thought that too.

This plus the gifts and flowers, spending a lot of time at work and the gym, and describing your wife as conflict avoidant makes me think that she is also deeply unfulfilled with the connection in your marriage.

Go home, man. Stop going to the gym so much. Stop procrastinating at work and get it done. Play with your kids. Teach them how to set the table and help with dinner. Discipline them if they are rude or disrespectful to your wife. Build something in the garage. There are ways to be manly in a traditional marriage besides being gone all of the time and earning a lot of money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Woman here. Tell her you will have sex with someone else unless she is willing to have counseling with you.
Isn’t that what you are considering?
No judgment- just sympathy- good luck.

Something like this OP, but you have to be willing to go through with it. I went years in a situation just like yours. Was going to stay until the kids grew up and moved out.
You can only live like that for so long. Talking doesn't work or might get you sex for that month. After years I couldn't take it anymore. I finally told her I wanted a divorce. DW was blind sided thinking nothing was wrong in our relationship. I explained to her that having no sex was not an option. I haven't cheated I have no one else lined up, but I refuse to be celibate. The next day after she did some thinking she told me I was right and not to leave, and we started having sex multiple times a week, she even initiates now and our relationship is doing very well

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow tough crowd here. I'm sorry for my wording, I'm no misogynist and my religion isn't the only reason I won't entertain divorce. Thank you to the 2-3 posters with serious/helpful replies. I have expressed my unhappiness to my wife several times, hence asking her to go to couples counseling with me. I haven't threatened her with divorce because I think she'd know it's a veiled threat. I guess I can try to offer ultimatums, but it seems nonsensical to make threats that I don't intend to follow through with if my expectations aren't met.

I do not understand the no divorce? You said it’s not completely my religion.

Your children are little this unhappiness will take its toll. Kids are super smart.

It must not be financially feasible?

If you want this to work you both need therapy and not sure that will help.

You will wake up one morning and she will file .

This is true, OP. Think of the example you are setting for your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When couples say they have to stay together for the children, and then describe a very unhealthy relationship dynamic (ie. “Never touch,” and sleep in separate rooms)...I always think, “Why do you assume that divorce us worse than what you are modeling for your children?” Think about what they are learning from your example of how married couples relate.

You can follow all the rigid rules you have memorized (ie divorce = bad)...but so is what they are seeing everyday.

I am also bothered by your comment that you are doing what you can to ignite passion by earning a certain amount of money. That only goes together if you think women can be bought or are gold diggers. So your ideas sound very old fashioned and not progressive.

I am sorry you are unhappy but I do think you need to share your honest feelings with your wife, and try counseling together (with a qualified therapist, not church leader). Good luck.

I thought that too.

This plus the gifts and flowers, spending a lot of time at work and the gym, and describing your wife as conflict avoidant makes me think that she is also deeply unfulfilled with the connection in your marriage.

Go home, man. Stop going to the gym so much. Stop procrastinating at work and get it done. Play with your kids. Teach them how to set the table and help with dinner. Discipline them if they are rude or disrespectful to your wife. Build something in the garage. There are ways to be manly in a traditional marriage besides being gone all of the time and earning a lot of money.

I appreciate your feedback but I have tried that. The marriage has been on a decline the last 5 years. I have arranged date nights that result in mostly pragmatic talks over the candlelight, discussing our schedule and the kids only to end with me offering to massage her at home, with no expectations for sex. Just some intimacy and touch even if it’s not sexual. Lately 10/10 times I’m turned down with “no thanks, I’m tired” or “Maybe tomorrow.” I am a involved father, I coach our son’s t-ball team and we have family movie night in most Saturday nights. I volunteer alongside my wife most weekends at church. Yes I’ve tried the flowers and gifts route as well because I want to cover all my bases. When I try to have meaningful conversations about her happiness, she quips “Yes, everything is fine. Why do you keep asking?” which is when I dare to state that I’m unhappy about our lack of a sex life or intimacy in any form. Status quo responses vary from “I’m tired, the kids took it out of me today.” to “I’m touched out, the kids were clingy today.” to “I’m on my period” or “I’m about to be on my period and I’m bloated.” to a straight up “No. Not in the mood.”

I’m not claiming I’m perfect or blameless but I am trying. I guess I need to try individual counseling again to gain some more insight but my hopes aren’t high. Thank you all for your suggestions and support. God bless.