How to survive an unhappy marriage?

[Anonymous]

Divorce is off the table due to 2 elementary-aged children and our social life as a couple is deeply intertwined with our extended families and church community. We've been married for 15 years and our sex life has been non-existent (maybe 4-5x a year at most) for the last 5 years. We hardly touch and I sleep in the guest room. My wife is superficially friendly towards me but detached emotionally. She was't exactly warm or emotionally open to begin with, just 'pleasant.' This should've been a warning sign in the beginning but I was just happy to find an attractive, 'uncomplicated' woman. She didn't come into the relationship with any emotional baggage or glaring psychological issues so I thought I hit the jackpot.

I've tried everything I can possibly think of to re-ignite the spark of passion, including earning a six figure income, losing weight, taking her out for date-nights and showering her with gifts and flowers. I asked her to go to couples therapy with me or to speak with our pastor together but she says our personal life is no one else's business. I don't think she actually believes there's anything wrong with our marriage. I have sought out individual counseling but all I got out of it is that in order to transform my marriage, my wife has to believe there's a reason has to change it. She's comfortable with the way things are but I'm miserable.

I'm ashamed to admit I've entertained the idea of having an affair but 1.) it goes against all of my moral principles 2.) I won't risk ruining my children's lives and 3.) I would rather have sex with my wife but she's not interested. I spend a lot of time in the gym and at work but it isn't enough to distract me from the loneliness and lack of basic, human connection.

We have open access to each other's phones, e-mails, etc. so I know she isn't having an affair. She's a stay-at-home mom and is fulfilled enough with her friendships and volunteer work. She's a good woman and a loving mother but is completely uninterested in being a good wife. I don't know what else to do except pray that she feels the need to reconnect with me one day.

[Anonymous]

Listen, because divorce is off the table ,there is absolutely no incentive for your wife to think there is anything wrong, much less work to fix it.

You have to put it on the table and force your wife to enter therapy with you. Otherwise why would anything change?

Get a little tougher and see if that motivates your wife to want to stay together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Listen, because divorce is off the table ,there is absolutely no incentive for your wife to think there is anything wrong, much less work to fix it.

You have to put it on the table and force your wife to enter therapy with you. Otherwise why would anything change?

Get a little tougher and see if that motivates your wife to want to stay together.

Agree with this. Your wife is happy with the status quo and you are suffering in silence - don't suffer in silence. Make noise and make waves. Tell her you are unhappy and wish you could leave. Tell her often. Tell her exactly why. Otherwise nothing will ever change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorce is off the table due to 2 elementary-aged children and our social life as a couple is deeply intertwined with our extended families and church community. We've been married for 15 years and our sex life has been non-existent (maybe 4-5x a year at most) for the last 5 years. We hardly touch and I sleep in the guest room. My wife is superficially friendly towards me but detached emotionally. She was't exactly warm or emotionally open to begin with, just 'pleasant.' This should've been a warning sign in the beginning but I was just happy to find an attractive, 'uncomplicated' woman. She didn't come into the relationship with any emotional baggage or glaring psychological issues so I thought I hit the jackpot.

I've tried everything I can possibly think of to re-ignite the spark of passion, including earning a six figure income, losing weight, taking her out for date-nights and showering her with gifts and flowers. I asked her to go to couples therapy with me or to speak with our pastor together but she says our personal life is no one else's business. I don't think she actually believes there's anything wrong with our marriage. I have sought out individual counseling but all I got out of it is that in order to transform my marriage, my wife has to believe there's a reason has to change it. She's comfortable with the way things are but I'm miserable.

I'm ashamed to admit I've entertained the idea of having an affair but 1.) it goes against all of my moral principles 2.) I won't risk ruining my children's lives and 3.) I would rather have sex with my wife but she's not interested. I spend a lot of time in the gym and at work but it isn't enough to distract me from the loneliness and lack of basic, human connection.

We have open access to each other's phones, e-mails, etc. so I know she isn't having an affair. She's a stay-at-home mom and is fulfilled enough with her friendships and volunteer work. She's a good woman and a loving mother but is completely uninterested in being a good wife. I don't know what else to do except pray that she feels the need to reconnect with me one day.

Sorry but this made me laugh. Did you get all of your information about women from the He-Man Woman Hater's Club or what? This one's not crazy, lock her down! Those are rare!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce is off the table due to 2 elementary-aged children and our social life as a couple is deeply intertwined with our extended families and church community. We've been married for 15 years and our sex life has been non-existent (maybe 4-5x a year at most) for the last 5 years. We hardly touch and I sleep in the guest room. My wife is superficially friendly towards me but detached emotionally. She was't exactly warm or emotionally open to begin with, just 'pleasant.' This should've been a warning sign in the beginning but I was just happy to find an attractive, 'uncomplicated' woman. She didn't come into the relationship with any emotional baggage or glaring psychological issues so I thought I hit the jackpot.

I've tried everything I can possibly think of to re-ignite the spark of passion, including earning a six figure income, losing weight, taking her out for date-nights and showering her with gifts and flowers. I asked her to go to couples therapy with me or to speak with our pastor together but she says our personal life is no one else's business. I don't think she actually believes there's anything wrong with our marriage. I have sought out individual counseling but all I got out of it is that in order to transform my marriage, my wife has to believe there's a reason has to change it. She's comfortable with the way things are but I'm miserable.

I'm ashamed to admit I've entertained the idea of having an affair but 1.) it goes against all of my moral principles 2.) I won't risk ruining my children's lives and 3.) I would rather have sex with my wife but she's not interested. I spend a lot of time in the gym and at work but it isn't enough to distract me from the loneliness and lack of basic, human connection.

We have open access to each other's phones, e-mails, etc. so I know she isn't having an affair. She's a stay-at-home mom and is fulfilled enough with her friendships and volunteer work. She's a good woman and a loving mother but is completely uninterested in being a good wife. I don't know what else to do except pray that she feels the need to reconnect with me one day.

Sorry but this made me laugh. Did you get all of your information about women from the He-Man Woman Hater's Club or what? This one's not crazy, lock her down! Those are rare!!

Assuming this thread is real, I keep thinking of that old Japanese movie Shall We Dance and thinking OP should take dance lessons. Can't hurt, right?

[Anonymous]

Sorry but this made me laugh. Did you get all of your information about women from the He-Man Woman Hater's Club or what? This one's not crazy, lock her down! Those are rare!!

I was just about to post something similar! Thing is, a lot of men who were brought up in evangelical, conservative christian households think this way. It's a real phenomenon. I should know, I grew up in one!!

Anyway, OP..

How sad that you feel so restricted by your religious upbringing that you feel you only have two choices: stay and suffer or leave and live with the shame of an outdated stigma. Do you live in this area (DC/VA/MD?) There are plenty of divorcées out here, yes, even at the local churches. I get that divorce is a painful, last-resort option, but so is living the rest of your life feeling emotionally and physically neglected.

[Anonymous]

"pray that she reconnects with me some day" is not a strategy. Inform her the marriage is open. Then start going out on sex dates. This is the ONLY way for you to avoid divorce.

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m a woman and I feel badly for you. I think you need to be very direct with your wife - “I am beyond unhappy. I am lonely in our marriage and I do not believe we have a good or healthy marriage right now. We need to go to counseling together to figure out how to fix this. I have no interest in looking outside our marriage, I want a connection with you. I can’t continue like this.” Tell her you need to model a healthy marriage for your kids. You have to pull her into counseling. Can you discuss the situation with a sibling or parent of hers and enlist their help in getting her to engage on this? Her wanting to keep things private will not help. Tell her you are going to approach your pastor for help with or without her, but you would much rather it be with her. If she won’t go with you, the pastor may reach out to her anyway.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, I have no respect for people who refuse to divorce even when things are miserable. You made your bed. Lie in it. Alone.

[Anonymous]

OP, I mean no offense, but you have come to the wrong forum. I think you'd find more helpful advice on a religious message board.

[Anonymous]

I'm a woman and could easily post the same thing about my husband. He is emotionally level, happy with things the way they are, etc. But there is no spark. If I asked this board for advice on how to make my emotionally detached husband want to connect with me, I'd be told to deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Wow tough crowd here. I'm sorry for my wording, I'm no misogynist and my religion isn't the only reason I won't entertain divorce. Thank you to the 2-3 posters with serious/helpful replies. I have expressed my unhappiness to my wife several times, hence asking her to go to couples counseling with me. I haven't threatened her with divorce because I think she'd know it's a veiled threat. I guess I can try to offer ultimatums, but it seems nonsensical to make threats that I don't intend to follow through with if my expectations aren't met.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow tough crowd here. I'm sorry for my wording, I'm no misogynist and my religion isn't the only reason I won't entertain divorce. Thank you to the 2-3 posters with serious/helpful replies. I have expressed my unhappiness to my wife several times, hence asking her to go to couples counseling with me. I haven't threatened her with divorce because I think she'd know it's a veiled threat. I guess I can try to offer ultimatums, but it seems nonsensical to make threats that I don't intend to follow through with if my expectations aren't met.

I think you need to go to individual counseling. Hopefully you'll find a way to deal with this or perhaps your perspective will change. That also might jolt your wife into the realization that something is deeply wrong.

[Anonymous]

Do not threaten divorce. I would begin to despise a spouse that resorted to threats to get their way.

I believe she cares for you and probably loves you, just not the way you would like. She may not be attracted physically so counseling won't fix that.

I don't think she can change that OP. You will have to learn to live with it, or divorce at some point. Unfortunately when I look around at 2nd marriages they're usually worse. Many got divorced and added new and different problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow tough crowd here. I'm sorry for my wording, I'm no misogynist and my religion isn't the only reason I won't entertain divorce. Thank you to the 2-3 posters with serious/helpful replies. I have expressed my unhappiness to my wife several times, hence asking her to go to couples counseling with me. I haven't threatened her with divorce because I think she'd know it's a veiled threat. I guess I can try to offer ultimatums, but it seems nonsensical to make threats that I don't intend to follow through with if my expectations aren't met.

I do not understand the no divorce? You said it’s not completely my religion.

Your children are little this unhappiness will take its toll. Kids are super smart.

It must not be financially feasible?

If you want this to work you both need therapy and not sure that will help.

You will wake up one morning and she will file .