How to survive an unhappy marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I could have written this myself. In a similar situation, although my desire for her sexually is pretty low, so I do not feel like our lack of sex is solely or even mostly her fault. My DW works a high stress job and manages the kids lives mostly, while I am more of an “employee” in the relationship of sorts in that area. I also work a lot but less aggressive and largely take care of everything else, but I’m not a A type and not a task master or detail freak, so my contributions are never good enough.

I struggled for 5 years in this state of minimal sex/ physical contact intimacy to the point where I replaced that intimacy w/ porn. Last year I finally caved and shamelessly did cheat by getting 2 erotic massages (happy ending). I stopped due to guilt and once I did more research on the industry and the potential for human trafficking. No desire for an emotional affair b/c I would rather keep that energy for my wife, who is a good friend and person overall.

I agree w/ many on here that divorce is probably the best route if you and your spouse don’t aggressively pursue counseling. We tried counseling and have stopped b/c things haven’t changed too much. And I don’t think we want to. DW recently admitted that she only around for the kids so I’m right on the door step of filing papers soon, something I would have never imagined a few years ago. I’m scared b/c divorce would be devastating for me (for typical reasons why men feel it worse) and the kids. But I agree w/ others on here that it’s better than being dishonest and living in what amounts to a prison marriage.

My 30 cents. My thoughts are with you and Good luck OP.

I am interested in your perspective on the bolded.

Nothing else he’s said is remotely typical for a male, so I’m not optimistic that any men will agree with his bolded perspective either.

Whatever. There is a bit of research that aims to explain this. OP isn’t immune to these https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/it-s-man-s-and-woman-s-world/201412/why-breakups-are-actually-tougher-men%3famp

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^ the PP who gets less sex in a year than I do in average week, yet his strategy is to "pray that she feels the need to reconnect with me one day" ... now THERE is a true loser post

Why do men shame other men just because they approach things differently than themselves? BTW, men who have navigated life and are successful in life/marriage aren’t on these forums and so the only advice you see here primarily is from men who are facing difficulties. I think there is a more fair representation of women on the forum who aren’t necessarily having problems in relationships but the men on here are here for a reason, meaning some difficulty in relationship.

I would look for solutions from sources other than here. If you are religious, your pastor may be a good start. Is there someone other man you know
Who has navigated a long term marriage?

I’m telling you, these are tough years in life and things will change. There are benefits to working through things if there’s respect in your marriage. Your wife is super tired and stressed which is impacting her drive. Talk to her in a way she realizes how you feel. Maybe in front of a counselor/pastor. There’s no one to blame and so find a workable solution. Things will change.

[Anonymous]

Divorce is not on the table. I get it. I married for life also. That is my heart. However, you are not in a healthy marriage. Can you sit with your wife and ask the hard questions? Get it all out in the open? Is she not attracted to you? Fearful of having sex? Not wanting to get pregnant again? Is she on a medication that is zapping her libido? I would not leave the conversation without some answers. If you are not satisfied with the outcome, can you go to see your pastor? Tell her in a kind way that you need some help and will go with her or without her. Mean what you say and say what you mean. Get serious about this if you are serious about this. Do you pray with your wife? Has she been like this for 15 years or did something trigger this behavior? ....some questions only you can answer. I will be praying for you and your wife.

[Anonymous]

^ although I’m not religious, I appreciate what their poster is saying and that is to make sure the wife understands what is the husband’s perspective.

Also,’the wife is seriously tired. Find a solution for now that is a compromise (both of you give a little).

In looking back and having gone through these lows in marriage, it’s worth it to stay married. The shared life and shared history becomes a pleasure.

[Anonymous]

If you are making more money, perhaps pay a maid, have the laundry sent out, get a regular babysitter.

If income hasn't increased, find something to cut so that these things can be paid for.

If that doesn't work well...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do not threaten divorce. I would begin to despise a spouse that resorted to threats to get their way.

I believe she cares for you and probably loves you, just not the way you would like. She may not be attracted physically so counseling won't fix that.

I don't think she can change that OP. You will have to learn to live with it, or divorce at some point. Unfortunately when I look around at 2nd marriages they're usually worse. Many got divorced and added new and different problems.

I agree with this. You said she’s never been the warm and fuzzy type. I’m betting she settled for a decent man that was a good provider rather then someone that blew her socks off physically. Personally I spent yrs in relationships with men that I was passionately crazy about but there seemed to always be a price to pay with these types, (Cheating, abusive, no money etc). I finally married a decent non cheater great provider but very little physical connection, which of course only gets worse with time . I’m not happy with our physical life but you can’t have everything. I always think I can go back to the men that turn me on but also back to the constant stress and wondering where they are and who they’re with, not to mention the stress of how we’re going to pay the bills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get help with the snoring. Are you overweight? Do you drink at night? You're going to need to get help with this if you want to sleep in the same bedroom.

Agree!! Get a Cpap machine asap. My overweight husband wears one because he knows I’d be in another bedroom. Snoring can really hurt a relationship with lack of sleep people tend to get a bit cranky . Also, do you initiate sex? And I’m not talking asking or nagging I’m talking when laying next to her stroking her hair or other areas. My experience with great lovers were the types that never talked about it but just would initiate subtly and have an erection already without me having to work( hands, mouth, bongos) for them to get one ...Nothing hotter then seeing a man ready to go, instead of rolling over and seeing a limp noodle which means I have to start working. . Watch porn or whatever to get it up and ready .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not threaten divorce. I would begin to despise a spouse that resorted to threats to get their way.

I believe she cares for you and probably loves you, just not the way you would like. She may not be attracted physically so counseling won't fix that.

I don't think she can change that OP. You will have to learn to live with it, or divorce at some point. Unfortunately when I look around at 2nd marriages they're usually worse. Many got divorced and added new and different problems.

I agree with this. You said she’s never been the warm and fuzzy type. I’m betting she settled for a decent man that was a good provider rather then someone that blew her socks off physically. Personally I spent yrs in relationships with men that I was passionately crazy about but there seemed to always be a price to pay with these types, (Cheating, abusive, no money etc). I finally married a decent non cheater great provider but very little physical connection, which of course only gets worse with time . I’m not happy with our physical life but you can’t have everything. I always think I can go back to the men that turn me on but also back to the constant stress and wondering where they are and who they’re with, not to mention the stress of how we’re going to pay the bills.

^^ OP let me translate this for you.
1) RedPill dogma has been 100% validated.
2) It will continue to get worse.
3) There is nothing you can do about it.
4) You must grow content with platonic love.

Are you now understanding the situation?

[Anonymous]

^ Seriously you go to Red Pill dogma right away because of one poster? Me, my family and friends did not marry like that. Let me tell you I had options and I chose my husband for many reasons including the fact that I was attracted to him. Why don't you take all other posters in to consideration?

To the husband who was being addressed in the posts, please note that you have something worth salvaging. Your wife told you that she is stressed and that can play a role in lower levels of desire for some women. Don't take a strident view of this since she's stressed because of all of the things going on in your family. Please talk to her in a way she understands what you are going through and then compromise. It's worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ Seriously you go to Red Pill dogma right away because of one poster? Me, my family and friends did not marry like that. Let me tell you I had options and I chose my husband for many reasons including the fact that I was attracted to him. Why don't you take all other posters in to consideration?

To the husband who was being addressed in the posts, please note that you have something worth salvaging. Your wife told you that she is stressed and that can play a role in lower levels of desire for some women. Don't take a strident view of this since she's stressed because of all of the things going on in your family. Please talk to her in a way she understands what you are going through and then compromise. It's worth it.

Not one poster but 2 women are quoted above, plus many more women up thread, plus the wife of OP matches this exact pattern.

[Anonymous]

And then you have those that waited until they encountered a guy who could hit all the major areas. I can't imagine marrying a man I wasn't attracted to, especially since I married in my early twenties.

Maybe sexual chemistry wouldn't matter if I were getting married at 78 and even then....lol

However, men should certainly be aware that not all women are honest about their attraction.

[Anonymous]

In the same way that women need to be aware that some men will "love" you until you get too many wrinkles and your breasts say a little.

Everyone needs to be careful, marriage is not to be entered casually.

[Anonymous]

Get in the best shape of your life. I have noticed that the first sign of a wife getting ready to move on is that she drops 20-30 pounds and takes up jogging with a passion.

[Anonymous]

Divorce is inappropriate thing if we are speaking about 2 elementary-aged children, but it’s not the only one way to solve the problem. My son was 4 years old and I’ve tried to do everything possible to create to him good and friendly atmosphere, the relationships between me and my husband were terrible, it was unsupportable.I’ve thought about divorce , but I knew that it’s gonna affect our son. My friend suggested me to read one book The Lost Ways
, 2 years ago she strictly decided to end her unhappy marriage, but now THEY ARE HAPPY TOGETHER! This book is the source of found ways of survival , it’s about how to use ancient survival techniques in order to solve contemporary problems. I can’t believe in it. Just because of her I’ve decided to follow her advice and you know ? Now I understand that things about divorce were such silly.
This book is an amazing guide if you want to avoid divorce!

The Lost Ways review: https://prepperswill.com

[Anonymous]

OP, I am in your situation except that I had an affair and got caught and now it's total turmoil. I wish we had just divorced first but then again I don't want to lose access to my kids full time and neither does she.

The truth is there is no good solution to this. Some people are content without sex, they just are, and it's crushing to be married to them.

You need to accept she will never change and live celibate or divorce. Or cheat but that runs it's own risks that in hindsight weren't worth it