Am I in the wrong?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Moving in with someone you're not married to when you're a mom with kids living at home is a terrible idea. If he doesn't want to marry you, you shouldn't be trying to add him into your sons' home. Sorry.

This. You keep talking about "moving in together", "sharing finances" but I don't hear marriage at all. If you make more money than him, can support yourself and your children and you're not engaged, you shouldn't have your BF move in like couples who don't have kids. You say everyone gets along, but the dynamic would be different if you all lived in the same house.

He likes things as they are. And there is no "wrong" in that. He has TOLD you he feels pressured. You diminish that altogether and want to make it a wrong/right situation. He says he likes things as they are - you apparently don't like what you're hearing. So for everyone saying "sh*t or get off the pot" - that should be directed at OP, not the BF. He's made himself clear - and you simply want him to feel something that he doesn't. Decide if status quo works for you - if it doesn't - be an adult and break up with him. You have three boys - who are watching your decision making skills - keep that in mind as you're navigating through this relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: He’s 40, i’m 38. We are both divorced with kids. The house he owns is not big enough for all of us. The house that I rent is big enough.

To be clear, I’m not asking him to sell. But i want to work on the goal of building OUR life together, which in my opinion means sharing expenses, buying our own home together, etc etc. I’m just asking him to rent his home out, and move in together. But he’s reluctant and says I’m pressuring him, and that he already stays at my place everyday, so why isn’t that enough.

ok. the problem is you should have learned from your first divorce. Why are you dragging kids into this. He seems more reasonable. You should not be living with him unless you are married. Not with your kids in the house. THis sounds like a mess and you sound desperate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can think of a lot of reasons
— he doesn’t want to raise your 3 boys
— he doesn’t want to raise 4 kids
— he doesn’t want his DD around your DSs
— his ex wife doesn’t want her DD living with 3 boys
— HES happy with his privacy and his DD alone
— he likes seeing you sometimes
— he does not want to move
— the current situation works well for him
Need more reasons?

+1
He wants you but not the responsibility of being a parent to three kids. Sorry, he's not going to change. You guys might continue to enjoy each others companionship until your youngest goes off to college, then he might mingle households. If you're ok with that, keep on. It's not a crazy idea, if you guys really get along.
Else, it doesn't look like he'll commit to either living together 365 days a year or marriage.

[Anonymous]

Do you spend any time At his house? Does he cook for you? Does he make an effort To entertain you at his house? If not, then he’s a taker and is happy letting you “run the show” at your house.

[Anonymous]

If you can afford to buy your own house, OP, and want to, then go ahead and do that. Why should he have to sell his house just to accommodate your desire that he help you pay for the house you say you want to buy? This guy sounds like he has his head on straight and is doing what is best for himself and his daughter. Why should he mingle finances with you? What does that have to do with anything? Be careful with your ultimatums. Do you really think you could find someone better if you allow your greed to destroy this relationship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: He’s 40, i’m 38. We are both divorced with kids. The house he owns is not big enough for all of us. The house that I rent is big enough.

To be clear, I’m not asking him to sell. But i want to work on the goal of building OUR life together, which in my opinion means sharing expenses, buying our own home together, etc etc. I’m just asking him to rent his home out, and move in together. But he’s reluctant and says I’m pressuring him, and that he already stays at my place everyday, so why isn’t that enough.

HE IS TELLING YOU WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW BUT YOU AREN'T LISTENING. Read what you wrote here, again.

He doesn't want what you want. It's time for you to move on this relationship has run its course.

I have told him multiple times exactly that...we just don’t want the same things. But he’s insistent that I’m wrong and being crazy about things. And I don’t always think I’m right, which is why I like to hear other people’s opinions who don’t know either of us.

He is placating you. He may change his mind in time, but I wouldn't count on it. I agree with the PP that said you have to decide if this is enough.

From an outsider's perspective, I'd think he wants to maintain the status quo until kids are older/out of the house. If I'm 40, have one kid and my own space to retreat when I need to, am financially comfortable, why do I want to rock that boat?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: He’s 40, i’m 38. We are both divorced with kids. The house he owns is not big enough for all of us. The house that I rent is big enough.

To be clear, I’m not asking him to sell. But i want to work on the goal of building OUR life together, which in my opinion means sharing expenses, buying our own home together, etc etc. I’m just asking him to rent his home out, and move in together. But he’s reluctant and says I’m pressuring him, and that he already stays at my place everyday, so why isn’t that enough.

You are just one person moving into his house. You will survive in a smaller space for a little bit and so will your kids. Schedules can be adjusted, rooms can be shared. What is the custody situation?

Has he ever offered for you to move in with him? Does he want his kids to have their own space? There are a lot of missing elements in your story. He's either committed to a future with you or not -- and it looks like a no for now.

it’s not just one person moving into his house... I have 3 boys. He has a daughter. His house is only a 3 bedroom, and his daughter needs her own room. My kids are teens and pre-teens...they can’t all share 3 boys to a small room.

I seriously hope he doesn't do that to his daughter.

Date. Don't force this upon those kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can think of a lot of reasons
— he doesn’t want to raise your 3 boys
— he doesn’t want to raise 4 kids
— he doesn’t want his DD around your DSs
— his ex wife doesn’t want her DD living with 3 boys
— HES happy with his privacy and his DD alone
— he likes seeing you sometimes
— he does not want to move
— the current situation works well for him
Need more reasons?

It couldn't be more obvious. My ex would not move our daughter into that mess. Holidays summers...or what.

[Anonymous]

So what are you going to do, OP?