Am I in the wrong?

[Anonymous]

Do you have a bedroom for his daughter?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My answer is very different since you are divorced with 3 kids. What is really the point of getting married with 4 minor children when your arrangement is fine as is? I understand why he doesn’t want to uproot his house and life to live in a rental, honestly.

It is financially better for OP. Duh! She could share her expenses of raising her THREE children. She wants to save up for their future house together aka her house since she can’t afford a house on her own, which is why she is renting.

I had posted pp assuming OP was in her 20s and childless. Everything different now that she has stated that both sides are divorced and children on both sides.

I believe the BF’s daughter lives mostly at mom’s house during the school year. He has a quiet house. Why in the world would he want to bring in THREE children into his quiet calm house.

Teenagers are moody. They smell. They are often messy. They cost lots of money and probably constantly want and need money.

Does he help drive your kids around after school? I have 3 kids and DH and I need to constantly juggle driving 3 kids to activities and often carpool because the 2 of us can’t be at 3 places.

You should put your 3 boys first. Or maybe you are by trying to better your financial situation by splitting bills with your boyfriend.

If I wanted to buy my own house, I could. I make more $ than my boyfriend. I didn’t think it was financially a good idea to be stuck with a mortgage the second I divorced, so I didn’t have a problem renting. I have never asked him for money, and my ex and I will be solely responsible for paying my childrens college tuitions.

He doesn’t help carpool. Maybe once a month he takes my oldest son to his soccer game when I’m at work, but that’s it.

Is it wrong to want to share finances after you’ve been dating someone nearly 4 years? I’m truly asking why that’s a bad thing to want. Just because I’m divorced, doesn’t mean I can never want to get married again. He’s not wealthier than I am, I’m not looking for his money.

Is his house even big enough? You'd need a 4-5 bedroom house and have you discussed expenses? You should be paying more as you have multiple kids probably with you full time. It isn't about college but the daily care taking, privacy and expenses. He isn't going to marry you so move on. It really sounds like you are looking for free rent.

His house is not big enough...that’s why i want him to rent it out and move into my place, until we can buy a home together. I’m not looking for free rent...I’d be paying less than I am now if he moved in, yes, but it would be far from “free”. He currently stays with me and I do all of the grocery shopping, etc with my own money. I don’t expect or want him to pay for me or my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have a bedroom for his daughter?

I do have a bedroom for his daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: He’s 40, i’m 38. We are both divorced with kids. The house he owns is not big enough for all of us. The house that I rent is big enough.

To be clear, I’m not asking him to sell. But i want to work on the goal of building OUR life together, which in my opinion means sharing expenses, buying our own home together, etc etc. I’m just asking him to rent his home out, and move in together. But he’s reluctant and says I’m pressuring him, and that he already stays at my place everyday, so why isn’t that enough.

You are just one person moving into his house. You will survive in a smaller space for a little bit and so will your kids. Schedules can be adjusted, rooms can be shared. What is the custody situation?

Has he ever offered for you to move in with him? Does he want his kids to have their own space? There are a lot of missing elements in your story. He's either committed to a future with you or not -- and it looks like a no for now.

it’s not just one person moving into his house... I have 3 boys. He has a daughter. His house is only a 3 bedroom, and his daughter needs her own room. My kids are teens and pre-teens...they can’t all share 3 boys to a small room.

They can share a small room and you could make it work but that is the issue. Maybe his daughter doesn't want you and three boys there. That is a huge deal for her.

His daughter lives with her mom full time. She’s here for summer and holiday breaks.

[Anonymous]

Well, he's comfortable with what he has, and he's not going to change based on his reaction or your wanting to buy a house together and/or get married.

Geez, are you so desperate to marry this guy that after almost 4 long years, you come to DCUM to ask for opinions whether you're in the wrong? Can't you see it for yourself?

[Anonymous]

I can think of a lot of reasons
— he doesn’t want to raise your 3 boys
— he doesn’t want to raise 4 kids
— he doesn’t want his DD around your DSs
— his ex wife doesn’t want her DD living with 3 boys
— HES happy with his privacy and his DD alone
— he likes seeing you sometimes
— he does not want to move
— the current situation works well for him
Need more reasons?

[Anonymous]

Your kids are young and need at least 8 more years. Gosh so many reasons. It’s hard when you have 3 kids to have a romantic permanent relationship.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the posters above, he doesn’t want to live with 3 kids. He gave up custody of his DD...why do you think he wants to raise your three?

[Anonymous]

It appears that he is satisfied w/the status quo here.

He likes owning his house & really at forty yrs. old, he seems set in his ways.

On the other hand, you want more permanence regarding your relationship....
After 3 1/2 yrs., that is understandable.

Objectively, I do not think anyone is “wrong” here.
You both just want different things in life right now.

And where does marriage fit into this situation?
Because buying a home w/someone you are not married to is the worst life decision you can make.

I would want to be legally wed prior to even THINKING about purchasing a home together!
Good luck to you both!

[Anonymous]

You want different things.

He gave up custody of his own one child. Why do you think he would want to raise yours with you?

I understand that you want more but it doesn’t sound like he wants what you want. He may want to be with you but does not want to move in together with your THREE children. That is a lot of children.

You should make a decision of whether this is enough for you.

I’m married with 3 kids and would love my own space personally. I’m sure your boyfriend wants some quiet time to spend with his daughter but also have time with you. I assume he comes over more when you don’t have the boys. It sounds like a good set up for everyone.

[Anonymous]

At his age I would be happy just being in a LTR without marriage. You both had failed marriages once already. If you enjoy being together then just enjoy it and not try to change the situation

[Anonymous]

You aren't wrong--this guy is wasting your time. Choose yourself and get out now and live the life that you want. Don't wait on this guy or you will be waiting a long time...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At his age I would be happy just being in a LTR without marriage. You both had failed marriages once already. If you enjoy being together then just enjoy it and not try to change the situation

Agree. Do you want more children? Does he? Just enjoy the time you have together.

It seems like a pretty good gig for him. He has his daughter during breaks. He has a nice small place to himself at 40. He found a woman he has a relationship with who has 3 kids. He has a mix of alone time, relationship time and kid time.

You should not think about it as a financial convenience situation. Why not let him take YOU out on date nights and maybe a vacation just the two of you? That seems like a more reasonable ask than asking him to vacate his home to move in with you and your 3 kids to share rent with you. That is a far worse situation for him and his daughter.

I know if I was his ex, I would absolutely not be comfortable sending my daughter to a home with 3 teens for the entire summer.

[Anonymous]

All those weekends when I was bored and exhausted with the kids I wondered if divorced people had it better. ... maybe your BF has it all worked out. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Moving in with someone you're not married to when you're a mom with kids living at home is a terrible idea. If he doesn't want to marry you, you shouldn't be trying to add him into your sons' home. Sorry.