How to be happy in a dead marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My marriage is pretty much dead. We still vacation together, do family meals and stuff but once the kids go to bed we retreat to separate areas if the house and sleep in separate rooms. No sex in months. I think my wife is clinically depressed but won't seek help.

I have had a brief affair which was wonderful. Would do it again if found the right person, last AP wanted more than I could give. Will stay till kids leave for college then reassess. In the meantime it's not ideal but doable. Would be even more livable if wife told me she didn't care about affairs like PP said. I assume most people in dead marriage "cheat"

If your wife is depressed, where is your empathy and why not help her instead of cheating on her? Also let her know your plans of leaving her when kids leave. Just be a bit fair and communicate like an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have the same issue. Miserably unhappy where we live but spouse refuses to ever move anywhere. But filing for divorce would blow up retirement.

you're going to stay with this person until you die to protect your retirement? does not compute.

Parents always say they would “die” for their children. With a special needs child, I would stay in my marriage as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My marriage is pretty much dead. We still vacation together, do family meals and stuff but once the kids go to bed we retreat to separate areas if the house and sleep in separate rooms. No sex in months. I think my wife is clinically depressed but won't seek help.

I have had a brief affair which was wonderful. Would do it again if found the right person, last AP wanted more than I could give. Will stay till kids leave for college then reassess. In the meantime it's not ideal but doable. Would be even more livable if wife told me she didn't care about affairs like PP said. I assume most people in dead marriage "cheat"

If your wife is depressed, where is your empathy and why not help her instead of cheating on her? Also let her know your plans of leaving her when kids leave. Just be a bit fair and communicate like an adult.

I have tried to help for a decade. I am burned out. You can't force someone to seek help and unless you have lived this you have no idea what you are talking about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I am glad that you understand this. Most DCUM sexless wives don't get it, denying the reality that 100% of men in a sexless marriage are getting it elsewhere.
For men, sexless marriage == dead marriage == DADT open marriage. All of these are equivalent.

This just isn't true. I'm not saying this as an angry female poster. I'm a man in a dead bedroom. I'm not getting sex anywhere else.

I'd love to be able to claim that this is the result of some high-minded nobility in me, but the truth is that being in a dead bedroom has ground my self-esteem to dust. The idea of finding a willing partner and then being vulnerable enough to have sex with her considering that my current partner would presumably rather jam a ballpoint pen into her eye socket seems remote to me.

I recognize that I don't speak for all men in dead bedrooms. I'm sure some men maintain a strong sense of self and a healthy self-regard for their own sexual prowess and lovability. But I've been on enough DB forums to know that I'm also not all that uncommon. A healthy cohort of men in DB relationships has had limited experience before their current relationship. Maybe they were raised religious. Maybe, like me, they were just not very socially adept. Maybe they have PE or are otherwise convinced they're a lousy lay.

And, yeah, the answer to that is probably for me and guys like me to work on ourselves. But that can be challenging for many of the same reasons that the bedroom may have died in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Deadbed lady here. Look, I went through a period of about 5 years when my bitterness peaked and self-esteem tanked. Eventually I realized, as the excuses changed but the lack of connection stayed the same, that DH's drive was about him, not about my femininity or attractiveness. Then I asked myself whether I was willing to let this state of deprivation become my 'forever' for the sake of my kids. DH always says the right things because he can't admit that this is who he is. I know who I am. This gives me strength and hope.

[Anonymous]

Find an AP. It’s the only thing that’s kept me sane. I plan to eventually leave and marry him but first we both have to get our ducks in a row.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have the same issue. Miserably unhappy where we live but spouse refuses to ever move anywhere. But filing for divorce would blow up retirement.

you're going to stay with this person until you die to protect your retirement? does not compute.

Parents always say they would “die” for their children. With a special needs child, I would stay in my marriage as well.

I would die for my kids. So why wouldn't I suck up an unhappy marriage to keep them happy in in intact home. (No violence or abuse or huge arguments at home, just placid coexistence. Stable, safe for the kids, who are thriving.) I consider it an unselfish act. When they are older I will reassess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The truth is that you are not that unique. Ask any person who has been married for many years and who are very happy, they will tell you that their marriage went through really bad phases when they were close to divorce.

So how do you turn it around? If there is no abuse , addiction and adultery then most marriages are not only salvageable but can become very happy.

There have been some good threads on this forum that talks about what you can do to make your marriage better. I think therapy with the view to improve your marriage will help - even if you have to do that alone.

My mom was an alcoholic. She and my dad came very close to divorce when I was a teen-ager. She got treatment, they reconnected in many ways, and they ended up being married for 53 years.

Even with addiction/abuse there is hope. I think the key is both people want it to happen. I give my dad credit for sticking around through a terrible time. I don't think he ever cheated and I have no idea about their sex life, but I know in their 70s they were much, much happier than in their 50s

Good to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My marriage is pretty much dead. We still vacation together, do family meals and stuff but once the kids go to bed we retreat to separate areas if the house and sleep in separate rooms. No sex in months. I think my wife is clinically depressed but won't seek help.

I have had a brief affair which was wonderful. Would do it again if found the right person, last AP wanted more than I could give. Will stay till kids leave for college then reassess. In the meantime it's not ideal but doable. Would be even more livable if wife told me she didn't care about affairs like PP said. I assume most people in dead marriage "cheat"

If your wife is depressed, where is your empathy and why not help her instead of cheating on her? Also let her know your plans of leaving her when kids leave. Just be a bit fair and communicate like an adult.

I have tried to help for a decade. I am burned out. You can't force someone to seek help and unless you have lived this you have no idea what you are talking about.

I do know what I'm talking about. That is the reason why I stated what I did.

If your wife is medically depressed for 10 years, you definitely need to help her. Also, communicate with her like an adult and let her know what your plans are regarding cheating/exiting marriage when kids leave. It's only fair. Be an adult.

[Anonymous]

I'm in a marriage w/ a dead bedroom, but an otherwise loving, honest, committed, kind, funny, supportive partner (mostly).

I tell myself I can survive it by thinking about the realities of single parenting, solitary/lonely nights, slim change of remarrying, etc... I hope that when I'm in my 60's and beyond I will value the loving friendship sufficiently and not miss the physical side of marriage as much as I do now.

There are times when I am relatively at peace with it, or when the positives dramatically outweigh the negatives (like when there is a family emergency and my spouse is a rock). And there are times when I am deeply hurt and despairing.

I won't cheat as I can't conceive of the betrayal of that. The whole thing is a source of great pain, frustration and struggle. However, there is no verbal (or physical) cruelty like what you're describing OP. My husband and I do love and respect each other and we treat each other well.

I'm sorry for the situation you're in - I can empathize w/ the challenges of parenting a child with lifelong special needs and I understand how that changes the decisions you make.

I wish you peace and happier times ahead.

[Anonymous]

Based on some of the responses it sounds like some have taken a vow of celibacy to keep their marriages intact. What a thing to have to do, though, if you’re still young with a few good decades left. So, you’re only 40 and are agreeing to possibly not have sex again unless your spouse decides to leave you for good or they pass away?

[Anonymous]

Spend money on yourself and buy things that make you happy.

[Anonymous]

OP — Your marriage is unusual from most of the responses since you have a child with a serious disability who will need direct life support so the contours of your daily life are very different and perhaps you need to consider if you have tried to do it all or most of it for DC and just burned out or burned up on resentment for your spouse not doing his share.

Can you start with a full physical and mental health screening just in case there is a physical cause mental health issue that medication could help you rebalance? Could seeing a therapist or participating in a support group where others know your daily challenges be a positive outlet in examining your life options? If you work full-time can you cut back to reduce stress in that area of life? If you are a SAHM, can you find a part-time job or other interest to give your life more aspects than just being a caregiver.

In your case, has your husband had a mental health screening to see if he is just burnt out or depressed with life as you know it? Have you and DH explored couples counseling and perhaps explored options relating to the care needs and future of your son or daughter? Whatever happens between you two, it would be best to get plans in place for your child in legal/financial terms while together to have a plan of agreed upon care. I realize if you have the financial means, these ideas are easier to pursue than without.

Just a note to say that maintaining a married relationship AND supporting a child throughout life can be simply just tiring even in a good relationship. You need to find what works for you to give you some time to have a life, too. Do not feel guilty if DS or DD watches movies or is on the computer for hours some times because mom needs a break, too.















Can you allow or encourage DH to be more involved with direct support of DS or DD? Can you work out areas you can divide up whether in providing respite for you on a regular schedule to pursue your interests and nurture your friendships? Likewise, I would assume you would do the same.
If you have not done so, have you and DH made it a priority to have time together — it dies take extra effort/cost if DS or DD has special challenges — but it May be worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I am glad that you understand this. Most DCUM sexless wives don't get it, denying the reality that 100% of men in a sexless marriage are getting it elsewhere.
For men, sexless marriage == dead marriage == DADT open marriage. All of these are equivalent.

This just isn't true. I'm not saying this as an angry female poster. I'm a man in a dead bedroom. I'm not getting sex anywhere else.

I'd love to be able to claim that this is the result of some high-minded nobility in me, but the truth is that being in a dead bedroom has ground my self-esteem to dust. The idea of finding a willing partner and then being vulnerable enough to have sex with her considering that my current partner would presumably rather jam a ballpoint pen into her eye socket seems remote to me.

I recognize that I don't speak for all men in dead bedrooms. I'm sure some men maintain a strong sense of self and a healthy self-regard for their own sexual prowess and lovability. But I've been on enough DB forums to know that I'm also not all that uncommon. A healthy cohort of men in DB relationships has had limited experience before their current relationship. Maybe they were raised religious. Maybe, like me, they were just not very socially adept. Maybe they have PE or are otherwise convinced they're a lousy lay.

And, yeah, the answer to that is probably for me and guys like me to work on ourselves. But that can be challenging for many of the same reasons that the bedroom may have died in the first place.

I posted upthread that I caved and had an affair but I definitely believe you and am not surprised. I am tall, conventionally attractive and outgoing, get hit on occasionally and still it was hard for me to take the plunge. So I can see how other men end up without the options or self-esteem to pull the trigger and cheat.

FWIW, it is amazing how the cloud of despair and feelings of ugliness evaporate when you do connect sexually again. It's like I can fully accept my wife as a platonic friend because she isn't the object of my desire anymore. It's not ideal, of course, but I didn't choose this.

Good luck brother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I am glad that you understand this. Most DCUM sexless wives don't get it, denying the reality that 100% of men in a sexless marriage are getting it elsewhere.
For men, sexless marriage == dead marriage == DADT open marriage. All of these are equivalent.

This just isn't true. I'm not saying this as an angry female poster. I'm a man in a dead bedroom. I'm not getting sex anywhere else.

I'd love to be able to claim that this is the result of some high-minded nobility in me, but the truth is that being in a dead bedroom has ground my self-esteem to dust. The idea of finding a willing partner and then being vulnerable enough to have sex with her considering that my current partner would presumably rather jam a ballpoint pen into her eye socket seems remote to me.

I recognize that I don't speak for all men in dead bedrooms. I'm sure some men maintain a strong sense of self and a healthy self-regard for their own sexual prowess and lovability. But I've been on enough DB forums to know that I'm also not all that uncommon. A healthy cohort of men in DB relationships has had limited experience before their current relationship. Maybe they were raised religious. Maybe, like me, they were just not very socially adept. Maybe they have PE or are otherwise convinced they're a lousy lay.

And, yeah, the answer to that is probably for me and guys like me to work on ourselves. But that can be challenging for many of the same reasons that the bedroom may have died in the first place.

I posted upthread that I caved and had an affair but I definitely believe you and am not surprised. I am tall, conventionally attractive and outgoing, get hit on occasionally and still it was hard for me to take the plunge. So I can see how other men end up without the options or self-esteem to pull the trigger and cheat.

FWIW, it is amazing how the cloud of despair and feelings of ugliness evaporate when you do connect sexually again. It's like I can fully accept my wife as a platonic friend because she isn't the object of my desire anymore. It's not ideal, of course, but I didn't choose this.

Good luck brother.

But you are choosing to cheat. I’m being pursued by a married guy who’s previously had an affair. I told him I’m not getting involved with a cheater. I suggested he ask for an open relationship since he and his wife are in separate bedrooms so that there isn’t dishonesty and deceit. One kid is in college and the other will be in college next year, so they are not little. He says he doesn’t want to blow up his family so I said no. In a moment of weakness, we did get together a few times over a few weeks and then I said I was ending it for the same reasons as above. I said maybe we can resume a friendship but give me some time.

He’s still trying to contact me by email, text, phone, asking why the silence, didn’t I care about him? Says he certainly cares about me. WTF? I believe he’s trying to resume the affair and I will tell him again NO and stop contacting me until I’m ready to resume a platonic friendship.

I was open to being involved with a married man in an unhappy sexless marriage as long as he was being honest and his wife was aware. I understand he didn’t choose a sexless marriage. But he is still choosing to be a cheater. I won’t support that and feel I can do better than being in a relationship within the confines of an affair or with a cheater.