How to be happy in a dead marriage.

[Anonymous]

My marriage is dead. There is no hope of reviving it. But for a number of reasons I’m staying, maybe even long term. I’ve been fairly unhappy for the last few years and would like to change this. For those staying in a dead marriage, how do you stay happy? Do you have life goals? Are they joint goals with your spouse? What are they? I’m struggling to make sense of my life in this situation.

[Anonymous]

How does your spouse feel? Do they agree the marriage is dead but are also committed to it for the same reasons?

A number of couples love as roommates but you both have to be on the same page and treat each other well for that to work.

[Anonymous]

I have the same issue. Miserably unhappy where we live but spouse refuses to ever move anywhere. But filing for divorce would blow up retirement.

[Anonymous]

In what sense is the marriage sense? Sexually? Emotionally?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have the same issue. Miserably unhappy where we live but spouse refuses to ever move anywhere. But filing for divorce would blow up retirement.

Move where?

[Anonymous]

OP here. Marriage is emotionally dead. We have said things to hurt each other that can’t be unsaid. There is no trust or respect in the relationship.

[Anonymous]

It would help to know your reasons for staying, because I think the best way to find happiness in a situation like that is to reframe what you’re doing as advancing your end goals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It would help to know your reasons for staying, because I think the best way to find happiness in a situation like that is to reframe what you’re doing as advancing your end goals.

Same—why are you staying?

[Anonymous]

I think when people have made up their minds that they will stay "no matter what", they are doing themselves and the marriage a disservice.

If your husband knows that there is no way you would leave him, what exactly is his incentive to change? And what is yours? You've already reached the end of the story so what's the difference what is written in the middle?

You should work on yourself, not your marriage. Work on you and see if that newer version of you, the one with more insight, is willing to do the work it will take to stay. And decide what you will put up with and what you won't. Hopefully he will decide to go on the same journey.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, I'm the PP and hit submit too soon .

If he works on himself, great. But that isn't the point. Work on you and then decide if you want to stay.

[Anonymous]

I tried staying and in the end it was not worth it. Woke up one day and just wanted out. It was very difficult but it was totally worth it. Why stay miserable.

[Anonymous]

If you refuse to change it leave then you get what you get.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Marriage is emotionally dead. We have said things to hurt each other that can’t be unsaid. There is no trust or respect in the relationship.

That’s not a dead marriage. That is hell.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Main reasons are children and finances. We have a special needs child so I’ve cut back to working part time. This will not be a short term situation, as child will need assistance for life.

[Anonymous]

You have a friendship marriage. Only deal with spouse on logistics, and that's it. Get friends and do your own hobbies with them. Your entire social life is your friends.

When there are events that you both might be expected to attend (school play or whatever), if that's too uncomfortable, just get a headache so you don't need to go.