How to be happy in a dead marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have the same issue. Miserably unhappy where we live but spouse refuses to ever move anywhere. But filing for divorce would blow up retirement.

I could say the same thing. I could leave him, but I am still stuck living here with the kids. So I might as well stay and try to make the best of it. We were happy and loved each other at some point, maybe we will again one day.

I have trouble seeing how, within reason, location could have that huge an effect on your happiness. Unless, say, you lived in a highly misogynistic or totalitarian country. I'm very political and opinionated, but even in places where most people do not share your values, there exist potential friends. Where do you live?

It isn’t where we live as much as where we don’t live. We are 1200 miles away from all of our family and close friends from early in our marriage that got married and had kids when we did. Like pp said, it’s not about not having nice restaurants, it’s more about not having real friends and family who just show up and hang out, space to walk outdoors, the ability to play the sport I live, etc.

I also thought I could find those friends anywhere, but we have been here for four years now, gotten involved in a church, hosted playgroups, had friends over from work, had many parties, and I still can’t seem to make it work. There are people I enjoy spending time with, but no one I really love dearly and see as family.

We could live on my salary, and I could get a job close to home,. But DH has made it pretty clear that if I left with the kids, he would file for divorce and attempt the press charges for kidnapping. So, here we are. Trying to make it work.

[Anonymous]

The truth is that you are not that unique. Ask any person who has been married for many years and who are very happy, they will tell you that their marriage went through really bad phases when they were close to divorce.

So how do you turn it around? If there is no abuse , addiction and adultery then most marriages are not only salvageable but can become very happy.

There have been some good threads on this forum that talks about what you can do to make your marriage better. I think therapy with the view to improve your marriage will help - even if you have to do that alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Realize that in these dead marriage / roommate situations, the husband is 100% definitely going elsewhere for sex. This is understood to be DADT. A few of the wives will too, but most don't care enough for sex to even bother.

Who cares?

If he wants to leave to be with someone and give me the things I want, then go.

Reread because you misunderstand entirely. He’s NOT leaving you. He remains married to you while sleeping with other women. That is how these “dead marriages” work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have the same issue. Miserably unhappy where we live but spouse refuses to ever move anywhere. But filing for divorce would blow up retirement.

Money should not be a reason to stay. Take your half and be happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Realize that in these dead marriage / roommate situations, the husband is 100% definitely going elsewhere for sex. This is understood to be DADT. A few of the wives will too, but most don't care enough for sex to even bother.

Who cares?

If he wants to leave to be with someone and give me the things I want, then go.

Reread because you misunderstand entirely. He’s NOT leaving you. He remains married to you while sleeping with other women. That is how these “dead marriages” work.

Ok? And?

I could care less about what he does. I don’t care about him. That’s how dead marriages work.

[Anonymous]

My marriage is pretty much dead. We still vacation together, do family meals and stuff but once the kids go to bed we retreat to separate areas if the house and sleep in separate rooms. No sex in months. I think my wife is clinically depressed but won't seek help.

I have had a brief affair which was wonderful. Would do it again if found the right person, last AP wanted more than I could give. Will stay till kids leave for college then reassess. In the meantime it's not ideal but doable. Would be even more livable if wife told me she didn't care about affairs like PP said. I assume most people in dead marriage "cheat"

[Anonymous]

Build your network of support besides your spouse, make "you" time critical, develop your hobbies and own interests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Realize that in these dead marriage / roommate situations, the husband is 100% definitely going elsewhere for sex. This is understood to be DADT. A few of the wives will too, but most don't care enough for sex to even bother.

Who cares?

If he wants to leave to be with someone and give me the things I want, then go.

Reread because you misunderstand entirely. He’s NOT leaving you. He remains married to you while sleeping with other women. That is how these “dead marriages” work.

Ok? And?

I could care less about what he does. I don’t care about him. That’s how dead marriages work.

Interesting, I wrote below about my dead marriage but I still care about my wife, I love her she is mother of my kids, but I am not in love and we aren't intimate. Yours sounds more hostile than dead

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My marriage is dead. There is no hope of reviving it. But for a number of reasons I’m staying, maybe even long term. I’ve been fairly unhappy for the last few years and would like to change this. For those staying in a dead marriage, how do you stay happy? Do you have life goals? Are they joint goals with your spouse? What are they? I’m struggling to make sense of my life in this situation.

Now that the kids are grown, I’m going to spend more time with family out of state, helping out. I started an online business which is thriving. Plan to do more trunk shows, etc. My business will grow better in my home state.

Most importantly, is that I have a few close personal friends of the opposite sex who emotionally fill my cup. It’s not that I hate my husband, I don’t; I’m just tired of the untreated ADD crisis after crisis - I’m burned out. I need to do for me now. I don’t make NYE resolutions, but I did make one to do an open mic and get myself involved in a singer/songwriter group, locally and where my family is. My best (male) friend is planning on doing one of his own. I’m going to spend more time on productive forums (less time on this one) and on FB because my very large family is active there and it keeps me less lonely and more in touch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have the same issue. Miserably unhappy where we live but spouse refuses to ever move anywhere. But filing for divorce would blow up retirement.

I could have written this myself. But now, I’m older, retirement is solid, and I’m realizing I’d be better off financially and emotionally not married. My life would improve immeasurably, as would my blood pressure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your happiness is not conditioned on any human. It is within you, regardless where you live and who is next to you. It is true, that having certain people around you can make your life happier and more fulfilled, but it is not necessary prerequisite of happiness. What makes you happy? Try to find things that you love. Can you think about your spouse as a roommate? You would never blame your roommate for your unhappiness.

This is true about your own happiness being within you. However I’ll add that challenges such as a special needs child and the work that requires can seriously impact one’s personal growth and happiness. And that should not be treated lightly. Caregiver burnout is real. I have an untreated ADD spouse and he seriously impacts my happiness because I’ve spent my marriage putting out ADD fires. Divorce when you have kids is not an option because leaving little kids with someone who has untreated ADD or other condition for 2 weeks out of a month would be terrifying. So I put out the fires until my kids were launched. Now it’s my turn, and I had the ‘come to Jesus’ conversation about how love is not enough to hold a marriage together.

It’s great to throw out all sorts of emotional platitudes but the reality is, circumstances often change priorities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Realize that in these dead marriage / roommate situations, the husband is 100% definitely going elsewhere for sex. This is understood to be DADT. A few of the wives will too, but most don't care enough for sex to even bother.

Who cares?

If he wants to leave to be with someone and give me the things I want, then go.

Reread because you misunderstand entirely. He’s NOT leaving you. He remains married to you while sleeping with other women. That is how these “dead marriages” work.

Ok? And?

I could care less about what he does. I don’t care about him. That’s how dead marriages work.

I am glad that you understand this. Most DCUM sexless wives don't get it, denying the reality that 100% of men in a sexless marriage are getting it elsewhere.
For men, sexless marriage == dead marriage == DADT open marriage. All of these are equivalent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have the same issue. Miserably unhappy where we live but spouse refuses to ever move anywhere. But filing for divorce would blow up retirement.

I could say the same thing. I could leave him, but I am still stuck living here with the kids. So I might as well stay and try to make the best of it. We were happy and loved each other at some point, maybe we will again one day.

I have trouble seeing how, within reason, location could have that huge an effect on your happiness. Unless, say, you lived in a highly misogynistic or totalitarian country. I'm very political and opinionated, but even in places where most people do not share your values, there exist potential friends. Where do you live?

It isn’t where we live as much as where we don’t live. We are 1200 miles away from all of our family and close friends from early in our marriage that got married and had kids when we did. Like pp said, it’s not about not having nice restaurants, it’s more about not having real friends and family who just show up and hang out, space to walk outdoors, the ability to play the sport I live, etc.

I also thought I could find those friends anywhere, but we have been here for four years now, gotten involved in a church, hosted playgroups, had friends over from work, had many parties, and I still can’t seem to make it work. There are people I enjoy spending time with, but no one I really love dearly and see as family.

We could live on my salary, and I could get a job close to home,. But DH has made it pretty clear that if I left with the kids, he would file for divorce and attempt the press charges for kidnapping. So, here we are. Trying to make it work.

What keeps him in the location you are now? Why is he so attached to it? I’m asking because my husband is totally rooted and I probably have 15 years on you and I’ve learned a lot over the years. I fully understand your friend situation - I am a friendly, outgoing person and do have a few friends here, but no one I can really call family either. I’d say it’s me, but I have a full, rich life full of people I love and new friends in the state I grew up with. I think it’s a regional thing (and frankly, being in the DC area, you can see the glaring ‘mean’ on this forum, so who’s surprised??)

His threat to you about divorce and filing for kidnapping sounds familiar and I’m wondering if he keeps you so far away as a means of control?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Realize that in these dead marriage / roommate situations, the husband is 100% definitely going elsewhere for sex. This is understood to be DADT. A few of the wives will too, but most don't care enough for sex to even bother.

Who cares?

If he wants to leave to be with someone and give me the things I want, then go.

Reread because you misunderstand entirely. He’s NOT leaving you. He remains married to you while sleeping with other women. That is how these “dead marriages” work.

Ok? And?

I could care less about what he does. I don’t care about him. That’s how dead marriages work.

Interesting, I wrote below about my dead marriage but I still care about my wife, I love her she is mother of my kids, but I am not in love and we aren't intimate. Yours sounds more hostile than dead

It’s not hostile. It’s just over.

It actually sounds to me like you have a very alive marriage to someone with a serious illness, and you are calling it “dead” to rationalize your affair. If you still love each other, then your marriage isn’t dead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The truth is that you are not that unique. Ask any person who has been married for many years and who are very happy, they will tell you that their marriage went through really bad phases when they were close to divorce.

So how do you turn it around? If there is no abuse , addiction and adultery then most marriages are not only salvageable but can become very happy.

There have been some good threads on this forum that talks about what you can do to make your marriage better. I think therapy with the view to improve your marriage will help - even if you have to do that alone.

My mom was an alcoholic. She and my dad came very close to divorce when I was a teen-ager. She got treatment, they reconnected in many ways, and they ended up being married for 53 years.

Even with addiction/abuse there is hope. I think the key is both people want it to happen. I give my dad credit for sticking around through a terrible time. I don't think he ever cheated and I have no idea about their sex life, but I know in their 70s they were much, much happier than in their 50s