How can you cheat and not think about how it will affect your kids?

[Anonymous]

I feel bad for betrayed spouses but they overestimate how much people care about cheating. No one does. Out president cheated on every wife and even the evangelicals shrug.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel bad for betrayed spouses but they overestimate how much people care about cheating. No one does. Out president cheated on every wife and even the evangelicals shrug.

I don’t know. It matters to me. I wouldn’t necessarily trust him in other things as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth would you tell your children that your spouse had sex outside of the marriage? My children don’t need to know what happens in the bedroom.

Why on earth would you expect your spouse to cover for you? To participate in your lying? To pretend? To cover for you? You’re the cheater, you deal with it.

[Anonymous]

ITA. My FIL cheated big time and his precious little daughter ended up in bad relationships, being treated horribly and got herpes from her married boyfriend.
I always laugh because all the "players" I know ended up having daughters.

[Anonymous]

My wife isnt interested in sex. I assume she thinks I am cheating but who knows I am super careful.

This allows my kids to live in an intact house. We don't fight, we still vacation together and we can save for 529s and live like a normal family. Perhaps I leave when kids leave for college, or maybe by then my libido will not be what it is and I will be content with rare to no sex. For now this is a good solution and is in the best interest of my kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth would you tell your children that your spouse had sex outside of the marriage? My children don’t need to know what happens in the bedroom.

Are you just really dumb? Your kids will find out, and usually from someone else other than your spouse.

Cheater here, so do I get to tell people my wife and I don't have sex which is why I cheated? Or do we spare our kids the public airing of grievance

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife isnt interested in sex. I assume she thinks I am cheating but who knows I am super careful.

This allows my kids to live in an intact house. We don't fight, we still vacation together and we can save for 529s and live like a normal family. Perhaps I leave when kids leave for college, or maybe by then my libido will not be what it is and I will be content with rare to no sex. For now this is a good solution and is in the best interest of my kids

What does your marriage therapist say?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth would you tell your children that your spouse had sex outside of the marriage? My children don’t need to know what happens in the bedroom.

Are you just really dumb? Your kids will find out, and usually from someone else other than your spouse.

Cheater here, so do I get to tell people my wife and I don't have sex which is why I cheated? Or do we spare our kids the public airing of grievance

Go for it. The kids will wonder why that was insurmountable, why you guys didn’t seek therapy, why you didn’t work harder to save the marriage before blowing it up.

They will think you put your needs above theirs. Go ahead so they can know how really crummy you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth would you tell your children that your spouse had sex outside of the marriage? My children don’t need to know what happens in the bedroom.

Are you just really dumb? Your kids will find out, and usually from someone else other than your spouse.

Cheater here, so do I get to tell people my wife and I don't have sex which is why I cheated? Or do we spare our kids the public airing of grievance

Go for it. The kids will wonder why that was insurmountable, why you guys didn’t seek therapy, why you didn’t work harder to save the marriage before blowing it up.

They will think you put your needs above theirs. Go ahead so they can know how really crummy you are.

You are saying his wife should have unwanted sex to save her marriage? Sounds so rapey!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agreed. My husband cheated with a neighbor, and we live in a tight community. All our kids play together, and it's totally changed the dynamic of the neighborhood relationships and interactions. My kids want to play with her kids and don't really understand why we don't let them go to their house anymore. We will probably divorce.

Wow. That’s a new level of disrespect and betrayal. I don’t know how he’s still your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel bad for betrayed spouses but they overestimate how much people care about cheating. No one does. Out president cheated on every wife and even the evangelicals shrug.

They also overestimate how much people appreciate them airing their dirty laundry. Really. I have one of those in my circle, she wants everyone to know so the cheater will deal with the consequences. For now the only consequence is that people are actively seeking to avoid her and her rants. She is also doing it in front of her kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel bad for betrayed spouses but they overestimate how much people care about cheating. No one does. Out president cheated on every wife and even the evangelicals shrug.

They also overestimate how much people appreciate them airing their dirty laundry. Really. I have one of those in my circle, she wants everyone to know so the cheater will deal with the consequences. For now the only consequence is that people are actively seeking to avoid her and her rants. She is also doing it in front of her kids.

Is it that people don’t care about cheating or is it the way she is talking about it? No one cares that the guy cheated? No consequences?

This is so counter intuitive to me to hear because if cheating means nothing in your friend circle, what does marriage mean to you? Are you guys in open relationships?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

The example from the original poster is not typical cheating. This is an extreme example of people who are idiots who cheated in the wrong place. Don’t cheat around your kids. Vast majority of people married or divorced or single or cheating—your sex life has nothing to do with your children. It only affects children if people make decisions that are vastly stupid like the original poster’s example.

If cheating happens to cause a divorce chances are the divorce would’ve happened anyway and it’s not the cheating that causes the problems it’s the way the parents handle the divorce. In any divorce regardless of cheating some parents handle it well and some parents cause a ton of drama and go after the other parent and make it public and that’s what causes problems—not cheating.

Divorce is not the end of the world for kids but if parents choose to make it the end of the world because they are bitter because a spouse cheated and they got caught then that’s on them for screwing up their kids not on the cheating itself.

This can't possibly have been written by an adult. If the marriage ends due to cheating, it ALWAYS affects the kids. They have learned that the parent lies and isn't trustworthy, betrayed their other parent (the other most important person in the kids' lives) and completely destroyed not only the betrayed spouse but the kids as well. Many, many children in a marriage broken due to cheating never have a healthy relationship again with the cheating parent, whether or not it happens like in the OP's story or with someone the kid never knew. Your shortsightedness is stunning, but typical of a cheater. You have to construct a world view that justifies your cheating.

+ absolutely correct

[Anonymous]

This is so counter intuitive to me to hear because if cheating means nothing in your friend circle, what does marriage mean to you?

What? Stay out of other people’s marriages. If they cheat it’s their business. If they try to drag someone else into their marital woes, walk away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The example from the original poster is not typical cheating. This is an extreme example of people who are idiots who cheated in the wrong place. Don’t cheat around your kids. Vast majority of people married or divorced or single or cheating—your sex life has nothing to do with your children. It only affects children if people make decisions that are vastly stupid like the original poster’s example.

If cheating happens to cause a divorce chances are the divorce would’ve happened anyway and it’s not the cheating that causes the problems it’s the way the parents handle the divorce. In any divorce regardless of cheating some parents handle it well and some parents cause a ton of drama and go after the other parent and make it public and that’s what causes problems—not cheating.

Divorce is not the end of the world for kids but if parents choose to make it the end of the world because they are bitter because a spouse cheated and they got caught then that’s on them for screwing up their kids not on the cheating itself.

This can't possibly have been written by an adult. If the marriage ends due to cheating, it ALWAYS affects the kids. They have learned that the parent lies and isn't trustworthy, betrayed their other parent (the other most important person in the kids' lives) and completely destroyed not only the betrayed spouse but the kids as well. Many, many children in a marriage broken due to cheating never have a healthy relationship again with the cheating parent, whether or not it happens like in the OP's story or with someone the kid never knew. Your shortsightedness is stunning, but typical of a cheater. You have to construct a world view that justifies your cheating.

I am an adult. Married 10 years. Not cheating. I do not believe cheating or not has anything to do with kids. Sorry, i don’t. Cheating is usually a symptom of a marriage that should not be. People are idiots if the cheat and get caught. But they should divorce first before the marriage is so bad they need to cheat to feel something. However, if cheating is caught, and parents divorce, the kids or anyone should not know. People should not air their dirty laundry in public. That is what is damaging...how a divorce is handled. The actual cheating or any reason for a marriage ending has nothing to do with kids.

While in theory people "shouldn't know" about the cheating, if the cheater is making out with his the person he is cheating with in public places where people who know the wife and kids go, well then ....tough to keep that one a secret and "not air dirty laundry". Poster, you seem a bit naive about what cheaters are actually like. It's not "airing dirty laundry" if the cheater is going around in public doing things and lying to everyone the couple knows about why the divorce occurred. I was cheated on. Please tell me if this was airing dirty laundry. At a school event another parent came up to me and said, "I talked to your soon to be ex husband and he told me you are getting a divorce because you didn't have the strength to save your marriage." She lectured me for a minute about how hard marriage can be. Was I "airing dirty laundry" when I responded, it was a shame his girlfriend "didn't have the strength"? Oddly, he never mentioned the years he led a double life, the lies he told, etc when he is telling people his story.