How do I unspoil him?

[Anonymous]

Well it’s clear you didn’t do a good job raising him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of you guys really are awful. I know my kid and you don’t. I’m asking for help to unspoil him. Some here said give him close to nothing and that’s how I’m leaning. It’s not just about the birthday, but in general. He keeps chasing money and material items. And is never satisfied.

He wants the trip, because in order to engage in his hobby, we have to travel. We can’t do it here. I’m not doing any of this for me. I hate his hobby. I must be present for him to do it (safety), so I do it. His father is physically incapable of doing it, so it’s all me.

I am trying to figure out how to instill the concept of gratitude — you are a happier person when you appreciate what you have and aren’t always striving for more more more. And he’s obviously not a happy child. I’m looking at the long game of trying to build a happy, resilient person. I’ve screwed up somewhere and I’m trying to fix it.

He’s in a new school, and doesn’t have any close friends yet. Certainly none whose parents know me well enough to take their kid somewhere. I don’t even know if he’s got someone to go trick or treating with. The trip idea, in part, is to downplay that he doesn’t have friends yet, here, who he can invite to something. So I’m it. He’s stuck with me. I’m working with that and a budget. I’ve offered going to a Maryland basketball game, stuff like that. Nope. The trip is what piqued is interest. He just wants all sorts of conditions.

So, he's at a new school, doesn't have any friends, and asked for video games for his birthday which he is not getting. OP, be honest, when he is expressing unhappiness to you is your response "But the trip!!" like that is suppose to make everything better? Because you are invalidating his feelings and giving him no where to go except to try to put into words about why the trip is not making him as happy as you think it should.

I would suggest that at a time when you are calm and he is calm, you sit down and ask him how he would really like to celebrate his birthday. It may very well be that he wants to go on the trip, but having to act grateful all the time and as though the trip has healed his other concerns is too much. And just talk to him in general.

We went through something similar with my oldest. He goes to a small private and many of the other kids do amazing, fantastic things over breaks. Unfortunately, DH has health issues, and younger DS has special needs, so international trips or Hawaiian vacations just aren't in the cards for us as a family. We typically go to the same beach or mountain resorts. It's a lot of work to go, so we stay a long time. Older DS started to complain bitterly about it. Pointing out all the ways he should be grateful did not have the desired affect, because the problem wasn't that he lacked gratitude. Not exactly, anyway. He was just feeling frustrated about the family situation he was stuck in, and pointing out all the other good things in his life wasn't what he needed. He needed to be heard. So he and I talked about the things he wanted, his disappointments, whatever. He understood all the reason he "should" be grateful, he just needed to vent, too. At the end I told him we could skip the trip if he really wanted to, but I couldn't give him the trips he really wanted, (and I also gently suggested that the other trips might not make him as happy as he thought, but I didn't perseverate on that). He suggested a compromise, which was a shorter trip to where we usually went, so that at least the rest of the break he could relax at home.

I will say that since that discussion our last two trips have, objectively, been two of the "lamest" because we made reservations late and DH had health flare ups that prevented us from doing much of anything while we were there. But I openly acknowledged these things with older DS, and he really had a different attitude. Really tried to make the best of it. And I had a different attitude, too. Instead of trying to point out all the things he should be enjoying (i.e., "unspoiling" him), I just let it be.

This is really great advice and is a good story for OP to read. It was a good story for me to read too. Thank you for sharing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well it’s clear you didn’t do a good job raising him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cancel your trip and book yourselves in that weekend to help out at Martha's kitchen or a similar soup kitchen charity.

Then donate his presents to A Wider Circle or similar charity

and any left over cash - donate that too.

He can write the envelope.

You are living in a fxxking bubble OP, bust out of it yourself and your son may have half a chance in life.

Way to miss the point here. She picked a trip, booked a suite and NONE OF THIS IS WHAT HER DS ASKED FOR OR WANTED FOR HIS BIRTHDAY. This is all about her and not about him at all. Most parents try to take their kids' wants in to consideration when getting gifts and figures out what they can do with their budget. Her child is not spoiled, he is expressing valid feelings about his desires not even being considered. She knows he would prefer to get money for his birthday and she won't do that. She isn't listening to her child. If this were a wife complaining that her husband refuses to take her wants in to consideration and gets her stuff HE WANTS for her birthday, the responses would be savage about how selfish the husband is.

No I think you missed the point. This family are so up their own arses with what each of them wants or doesn't want - they should look outward and do something charitable instead.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he wants to go on the trip because it is for his hobby but he doesn't want the trip to be for his birthday.

Since you do trips for his hobby throughout the year, he is resentful that this trip is being called a birthday present.

I think it is fine Op to have a set budget and to give him the options. You can go on this trip for his hobby and he gets a smaller present or you stay home and he doesn't get to do his hobby this time but he gets more presents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did he want the trip or did you choose to do a trip and callout a present? It sounds like he wanted a very different day and you didn't care/listen.

No one is entitled to a birthday gift - or any other gift. Whether it is what you would choose, you still need to be gracious.

I’d cancel the trip since he doesn’t want it and I’d scale down the birthday.

And, FWIW, I agree with the PP who says kids don’t care where they sleep in a hotel. Upgrades mean nothing.

It does to him. He constantly complains about us snoring,etc.

I thought you wanted to bring him back to reality.
Reality is just cause he doesn't like something the world isn't obligated to make arrangements to accommodate him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend with a 14yo and and an 8yo . I have a 7yo only DD. The 14yo is constantly asking for stuff and is very entitled. If we go out for the day, they both want ice cream, and a slushie and a toy, then a drink and dessert in a restaurant.
She does say no to the other one, but he keeps asking, its annoying and rude.

My kid who is supposed to be the spoiled one because she is an only never does this. She is not perfect by any means but she does not have the entitled attitide. We do a lot for others who have less than us. She helps make sandwiches once a month at Sunday school and we deliver them sometimes to the place where they are handed out, We serve dinner at our Church on Thanksgiving. She is adopted but as a baby and we have friends who have adopted thru foster care and we talk about those kids lives sometimes.
We are also at a focus school which provides free breakfast for all. We have talked about how kids that need this have no choice what they eat that day for breakfast, they get what is provided. She has choices in the morning.
I know your son is older but I think you need to look into doing this kind of stuff with him to help him appreciate what he has.

I know you mean well, but just so you know there are kids who do volunteer work who still want more stuff. Some of it is hardwired. People are walking contradictions. Adults are like this and so are kids. One year I feel more needy, the next less so. Volunteering is eye opening and worthy, but it doesn't entitle you to sainthood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of you guys really are awful. I know my kid and you don’t. I’m asking for help to unspoil him. Some here said give him close to nothing and that’s how I’m leaning. It’s not just about the birthday, but in general. He keeps chasing money and material items. And is never satisfied.

He wants the trip, because in order to engage in his hobby, we have to travel. We can’t do it here. I’m not doing any of this for me. I hate his hobby. I must be present for him to do it (safety), so I do it. His father is physically incapable of doing it, so it’s all me.

I am trying to figure out how to instill the concept of gratitude — you are a happier person when you appreciate what you have and aren’t always striving for more more more. And he’s obviously not a happy child. I’m looking at the long game of trying to build a happy, resilient person. I’ve screwed up somewhere and I’m trying to fix it.

He’s in a new school, and doesn’t have any close friends yet. Certainly none whose parents know me well enough to take their kid somewhere. I don’t even know if he’s got someone to go trick or treating with. The trip idea, in part, is to downplay that he doesn’t have friends yet, here, who he can invite to something. So I’m it. He’s stuck with me. I’m working with that and a budget. I’ve offered going to a Maryland basketball game, stuff like that. Nope. The trip is what piqued is interest. He just wants all sorts of conditions.

Don't punish him by getting him hardly anything - if he wants the trip to do his hobby not sure why he'd be upset that it cuts into the gift giving budget. So do the birthday trip (maybe his friend could come?) and also a couple of gifts that he wants. Reasonable gift giving, not over-the-top and not nothing at all. That's all you can do - and if he is ungrateful you must have a stern conversation with him and explain that you are disappointed that he expects so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of you guys really are awful. I know my kid and you don’t. I’m asking for help to unspoil him. Some here said give him close to nothing and that’s how I’m leaning. It’s not just about the birthday, but in general. He keeps chasing money and material items. And is never satisfied.

He wants the trip, because in order to engage in his hobby, we have to travel. We can’t do it here. I’m not doing any of this for me. I hate his hobby. I must be present for him to do it (safety), so I do it. His father is physically incapable of doing it, so it’s all me.

I am trying to figure out how to instill the concept of gratitude — you are a happier person when you appreciate what you have and aren’t always striving for more more more. And he’s obviously not a happy child. I’m looking at the long game of trying to build a happy, resilient person. I’ve screwed up somewhere and I’m trying to fix it.

He’s in a new school, and doesn’t have any close friends yet. Certainly none whose parents know me well enough to take their kid somewhere. I don’t even know if he’s got someone to go trick or treating with. The trip idea, in part, is to downplay that he doesn’t have friends yet, here, who he can invite to something. So I’m it. He’s stuck with me. I’m working with that and a budget. I’ve offered going to a Maryland basketball game, stuff like that. Nope. The trip is what piqued is interest. He just wants all sorts of conditions.

Don't punish him by getting him hardly anything - if he wants the trip to do his hobby not sure why he'd be upset that it cuts into the gift giving budget. So do the birthday trip (maybe his friend could come?) and also a couple of gifts that he wants. Reasonable gift giving, not over-the-top and not nothing at all. That's all you can do - and if he is ungrateful you must have a stern conversation with him and explain that you are disappointed that he expects so much.

^Sorry just read that he's at new school and doesn't have friend to bring - so I still say do the trip and get him a couple of video games that he wants, if you can. Or tell him the amount of his birthday budget and let him choose how he would like to spend it. Talk to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cancel your trip and book yourselves in that weekend to help out at Martha's kitchen or a similar soup kitchen charity.

Then donate his presents to A Wider Circle or similar charity

and any left over cash - donate that too.

He can write the envelope.

You are living in a fxxking bubble OP, bust out of it yourself and your son may have half a chance in life.

Way to miss the point here. She picked a trip, booked a suite and NONE OF THIS IS WHAT HER DS ASKED FOR OR WANTED FOR HIS BIRTHDAY. This is all about her and not about him at all. Most parents try to take their kids' wants in to consideration when getting gifts and figures out what they can do with their budget. Her child is not spoiled, he is expressing valid feelings about his desires not even being considered. She knows he would prefer to get money for his birthday and she won't do that. She isn't listening to her child. If this were a wife complaining that her husband refuses to take her wants in to consideration and gets her stuff HE WANTS for her birthday, the responses would be savage about how selfish the husband is.

No I think you missed the point. This family are so up their own arses with what each of them wants or doesn't want - they should look outward and do something charitable instead.

No. Donating your kids presents is punishment and is not a way to get your kid to be more gracious or generous. It is f-ed up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of you guys really are awful. I know my kid and you don’t. I’m asking for help to unspoil him. Some here said give him close to nothing and that’s how I’m leaning. It’s not just about the birthday, but in general. He keeps chasing money and material items. And is never satisfied.

He wants the trip, because in order to engage in his hobby, we have to travel. We can’t do it here. I’m not doing any of this for me. I hate his hobby. I must be present for him to do it (safety), so I do it. His father is physically incapable of doing it, so it’s all me.

I am trying to figure out how to instill the concept of gratitude — you are a happier person when you appreciate what you have and aren’t always striving for more more more. And he’s obviously not a happy child. I’m looking at the long game of trying to build a happy, resilient person. I’ve screwed up somewhere and I’m trying to fix it.

He’s in a new school, and doesn’t have any close friends yet. Certainly none whose parents know me well enough to take their kid somewhere. I don’t even know if he’s got someone to go trick or treating with. The trip idea, in part, is to downplay that he doesn’t have friends yet, here, who he can invite to something. So I’m it. He’s stuck with me. I’m working with that and a budget. I’ve offered going to a Maryland basketball game, stuff like that. Nope. The trip is what piqued is interest. He just wants all sorts of conditions.

So, he's at a new school, doesn't have any friends, and asked for video games for his birthday which he is not getting. OP, be honest, when he is expressing unhappiness to you is your response "But the trip!!" like that is suppose to make everything better? Because you are invalidating his feelings and giving him no where to go except to try to put into words about why the trip is not making him as happy as you think it should.

I would suggest that at a time when you are calm and he is calm, you sit down and ask him how he would really like to celebrate his birthday. It may very well be that he wants to go on the trip, but having to act grateful all the time and as though the trip has healed his other concerns is too much. And just talk to him in general.

We went through something similar with my oldest. He goes to a small private and many of the other kids do amazing, fantastic things over breaks. Unfortunately, DH has health issues, and younger DS has special needs, so international trips or Hawaiian vacations just aren't in the cards for us as a family. We typically go to the same beach or mountain resorts. It's a lot of work to go, so we stay a long time. Older DS started to complain bitterly about it. Pointing out all the ways he should be grateful did not have the desired affect, because the problem wasn't that he lacked gratitude. Not exactly, anyway. He was just feeling frustrated about the family situation he was stuck in, and pointing out all the other good things in his life wasn't what he needed. He needed to be heard. So he and I talked about the things he wanted, his disappointments, whatever. He understood all the reason he "should" be grateful, he just needed to vent, too. At the end I told him we could skip the trip if he really wanted to, but I couldn't give him the trips he really wanted, (and I also gently suggested that the other trips might not make him as happy as he thought, but I didn't perseverate on that). He suggested a compromise, which was a shorter trip to where we usually went, so that at least the rest of the break he could relax at home.

I will say that since that discussion our last two trips have, objectively, been two of the "lamest" because we made reservations late and DH had health flare ups that prevented us from doing much of anything while we were there. But I openly acknowledged these things with older DS, and he really had a different attitude. Really tried to make the best of it. And I had a different attitude, too. Instead of trying to point out all the things he should be enjoying (i.e., "unspoiling" him), I just let it be.

another pp- this was helpful to read and reminded me that empathy is a good teacher. Gratitude is something that is built over a lifetime of experience- you can't force it. While I'm not trying to use it as a cop out, some selfishness and jealousy and greed is pretty normal for this age group. A highly punitive response isn't going to make your DS more appreciative.

[Anonymous]

Having been a kid who is a “have not” in a school full of kids who have it all, I feel for your DS, I really, really do. It’s so hard when everyone’s norm appears to be your once or twice a year experience. And even harder when you are the new kid. Today, I don’t think $250 is outrageous for older kids bdays. Electronics and games and such mare expensive and just last year I paid twice that for just 2 gifts for my teen.

My mom used to say that I was so ungrateful and by her adult measure, I was. But in truth, I wasn’t being ungrateful as a teen, I just could t understand how much hard work it took for my family to get to the baseline standard that everyone including us had -nice home in suburbia, mom at home, private school, shopped in department stores not discount. That’s what my mom and dad wanted me to be grateful for but it was just the norm to me and I didn’t really know there could be any other way. How could I ? I grew up and was surrounded by the same and I was still a kid. I thought when my parents said I needed to be more grateful, they wanted me to be happier about getting a new full price designer label item because it went beyond our standard gifts. I did t get they wanted me to be grateful for my everyday standard of living. It’s not a concept teens grasp.

[Anonymous]

What PP said.

I was the poorest kid at a great school and my parents being able to get me to that school was them busting their ass daily. I didn’t even come close to comprehending at the time. I wanted to wear Nike and Z Cavarici pants. I should be thankful, glad no photos exist .

OP, he’ll grow up and I’m sure be fine

[Anonymous]

Have we found out what this “hobby” is? I think it might provide some context. If it’s something like skiing, then yeah the kid should be a little happier to go. But, maybe it’s something the kid actually hates like a math competition, ballroom dancing, or competitive knitting...if it’s something like that, I can see why the kid is pissed.

I’m interested to know especially since OP said it’s something she has to help him with...what hobby do teen boys do with their moms?

[Anonymous]

I don’t know how you unspoil him - my kids are too young for me to have any relevant experience. However I worry about my kids being in a similar situation in Arlington. I always wanted nicer things than parents were able or willing to buy in jr high and high school. Mostly clothes, but also we never went on vacations except to visit family. I want to report back from the other side as an adult that I love my parents and am close to them despite being awful to them for a decade. My youthful desire for material things did eventually wear off and the lessons they tried to teach me eventually won out. In the mean time my desire for a richer financial life lead me to apply for tons of scholarships- minimizing my debt in my 20s. It also lead me to pick a lucrative career so that now I am left weighing what we feel we should buy our kids vs. what we can buy our kids.