How do I unspoil him?

[Anonymous]

I think the best advice direct to your situation is about making sure your son GIVES gifts. This is the best way to learn - setting and maintaining a gift budget, selecting gifts for the recipient not the giver, why appreciation and thanks makes the gift giver feel good.

Have you pushed him to call his grandparents on their birthdays and send them cards? Does he use his own allowance to select and purchase gifts for you and your husband for your birthdays and Christmas, etc?

[Anonymous]

The key is to teach him about money. Until they learn what a dollar really is, the tendency to be spoiled will remain.

So what is a dollar? It is a paper representation of an amount of work that can be exchanged for someone else's work, either a product or service.

He needs to earn money through his efforts, track his earnings, spend it, and track his expenditures. Over time and with repetition, he will begin to change what goods and services he values -- which things are worth the time and effort it takes to earn the money to pay for it? In his opinion, what work is worth the money offered for it? He will make mistakes, but he will learn from them. In fact, bad purchases teach this lesson far more quickly.

But it also has to feel fair and realistic for his age. Video games are too expensive for what most 11 year olds can reasonably earn on their own. But treats aren't. Pick one reasonably priced category of wants (not needs) that he must pay for himself. Start there.

Then as his earning power and savings grow, you can expand that. We moved next to toys/video games. They could purchase themselves what they could afford. If they couldn't afford it, no loans, they put it on the birthday/holiday wish list and waited for gratification. It was amazing to watch that list change as the months went by and they changed what they valued.

Now in high school, my oldest insisted on getting a real summer job, has a spreadsheet he created of short and long term savings goals, is finding ways to save money on his hobby, looks for coupons and sales, resells to upgrade hardware, asked us to help him invest a small portion of his earnings, and makes charitable donations on his own (without asking us first (!), so now we are teaching him about the world of philanthropy and how we carefully choose our charities with purpose). He also bought everyone in the family birthday presents with his own money.

The other effect of understanding the value of money is that it changes envy to understanding privilege, and knowing when a classmate is spoiled, and who is being wasteful. It also allows them to pay attention to what it takes to earn the kind of money needed to get the things they may envy, which may mean doing better in school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cancel the trip. Get a cake and one gift that costs no more than $75. He will have a temper tantrum. When he's done, you can have the conversation in which you inform him that until he learns how to appropriately express gratitude, this is what gifts will be from now on.

Also: does he GIVE gifts? He should.

+1,000

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did he want the trip or did you choose to do a trip and callout a present? It sounds like he wanted a very different day and you didn't care/listen.

Why would you say that? What makes you think I don’t care or listen to my son? I have a budget, and whatever happens has to be within that budget.

The PP is asking - did you give him a choice of trip vs bigger gift?

He wants only cash for video games. And I do refuse to make that an only present.

Why? If that's all he wants, why wouldn't you give him what he wants? Give him enough for one video game. That's all you need to do. I don't understand people who ask kids what they want and then refuse to give them what they say they want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know which middle school you are going to, but remember that all the Jewish kids are becoming Bar/Bat Mitzvahs this year. Many of those in Potomac will have massive, over the top parties. Like, cost more than your wedding parties.
For better or for worse, this is his peer group. Please stay within your budget, but focus on how he wants to celebrate, and don’t go cheap just to go cheap.

I’m with the others who don’t think the trip is his idea of a celebration.

You had to bring Jewish kids into this discussion? This is not okay.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you're getting a lot of bad advice here because people aren't reading the whole thread and what you're writing. I'd suggest you go talk to a friend instead, and ignore this.

FWIW, I think part of the issue is that he's having social/middle school type problems and is just being difficult in general. That can be hard to articulate properly in a forum, it's best for a whole discussion with someone.

GL.

[Anonymous]

Cancel your trip and book yourselves in that weekend to help out at Martha's kitchen or a similar soup kitchen charity.

Then donate his presents to A Wider Circle or similar charity

and any left over cash - donate that too.

He can write the envelope.

You are living in a fxxking bubble OP, bust out of it yourself and your son may have half a chance in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He will be 13. We honestly haven’t given much as presents compared to what kids at his school get. He had gone to small private schools, and now he’s in a public middle school in Potomac. So it’s a bunch of wealthier families. We aren’t poor, but we aren’t them, either. We don’t live in Potomac. But he’s zoned to go there for whatever reason. He does NOT appreciate what he gets and wants more. Like he’s trying to keep up with the Jones’ kids.

For his 13th birthday we are taking him on a small road trip to a nice hotel to spend time doing one of his favorite hobbies. It’s an upgraded hotel with a suite that gives him his own room, and has a huge indoor pool. Plus he will get some presents. He’s upset that the trip cost will “cut into gift money.” And “last year I barely got any presents. A gaming chair and two games.”

I don’t want to give him anything right now. But that’s a lousy way to commemorate a 13th birthday. How do I bring him back to reality?

OP, if it were me, I wouldn't do anything differently than you planned, and I would ignore the pouting as long as he isn't being outright disrespectful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You unspoil him by canceling the trip and canceling the gifts. You tell him you've done that because his attitude stinks and he is not acting like a child who deserves anything beyond his needs. You tell him from now on, you will only be providing him with his needs. If he doesn't take care of his wants, they will be taken away. You get strict. You set boundaries and stick to them. You have him do chores to handle his own stuff (his laundry, cleaning his bedroom) and to contribute to the family (making dinner, mopping the floors, dusting, raking the leaves, cleaning up from meals, etc.).

This. If my kid pulled this sort of thing, I would absolutely cancel the trip.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend with a 14yo and and an 8yo . I have a 7yo only DD. The 14yo is constantly asking for stuff and is very entitled. If we go out for the day, they both want ice cream, and a slushie and a toy, then a drink and dessert in a restaurant.
She does say no to the other one, but he keeps asking, its annoying and rude.

My kid who is supposed to be the spoiled one because she is an only never does this. She is not perfect by any means but she does not have the entitled attitide. We do a lot for others who have less than us. She helps make sandwiches once a month at Sunday school and we deliver them sometimes to the place where they are handed out, We serve dinner at our Church on Thanksgiving. She is adopted but as a baby and we have friends who have adopted thru foster care and we talk about those kids lives sometimes.
We are also at a focus school which provides free breakfast for all. We have talked about how kids that need this have no choice what they eat that day for breakfast, they get what is provided. She has choices in the morning.
I know your son is older but I think you need to look into doing this kind of stuff with him to help him appreciate what he has.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend with a 14yo and and an 8yo . I have a 7yo only DD. The 14yo is constantly asking for stuff and is very entitled. If we go out for the day, they both want ice cream, and a slushie and a toy, then a drink and dessert in a restaurant.
She does say no to the other one, but he keeps asking, its annoying and rude.

My kid who is supposed to be the spoiled one because she is an only never does this. She is not perfect by any means but she does not have the entitled attitide. We do a lot for others who have less than us. She helps make sandwiches once a month at Sunday school and we deliver them sometimes to the place where they are handed out, We serve dinner at our Church on Thanksgiving. She is adopted but as a baby and we have friends who have adopted thru foster care and we talk about those kids lives sometimes.
We are also at a focus school which provides free breakfast for all. We have talked about how kids that need this have no choice what they eat that day for breakfast, they get what is provided. She has choices in the morning.
I know your son is older but I think you need to look into doing this kind of stuff with him to help him appreciate what he has.

Your child sounds lovely but teens really are different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of you guys really are awful. I know my kid and you don’t. I’m asking for help to unspoil him. Some here said give him close to nothing and that’s how I’m leaning. It’s not just about the birthday, but in general. He keeps chasing money and material items. And is never satisfied.

He wants the trip, because in order to engage in his hobby, we have to travel. We can’t do it here. I’m not doing any of this for me. I hate his hobby. I must be present for him to do it (safety), so I do it. His father is physically incapable of doing it, so it’s all me.

I am trying to figure out how to instill the concept of gratitude — you are a happier person when you appreciate what you have and aren’t always striving for more more more. And he’s obviously not a happy child. I’m looking at the long game of trying to build a happy, resilient person. I’ve screwed up somewhere and I’m trying to fix it.

He’s in a new school, and doesn’t have any close friends yet. Certainly none whose parents know me well enough to take their kid somewhere. I don’t even know if he’s got someone to go trick or treating with. The trip idea, in part, is to downplay that he doesn’t have friends yet, here, who he can invite to something. So I’m it. He’s stuck with me. I’m working with that and a budget. I’ve offered going to a Maryland basketball game, stuff like that. Nope. The trip is what piqued is interest. He just wants all sorts of conditions.

So, he's at a new school, doesn't have any friends, and asked for video games for his birthday which he is not getting. OP, be honest, when he is expressing unhappiness to you is your response "But the trip!!" like that is suppose to make everything better? Because you are invalidating his feelings and giving him no where to go except to try to put into words about why the trip is not making him as happy as you think it should.

I would suggest that at a time when you are calm and he is calm, you sit down and ask him how he would really like to celebrate his birthday. It may very well be that he wants to go on the trip, but having to act grateful all the time and as though the trip has healed his other concerns is too much. And just talk to him in general.

We went through something similar with my oldest. He goes to a small private and many of the other kids do amazing, fantastic things over breaks. Unfortunately, DH has health issues, and younger DS has special needs, so international trips or Hawaiian vacations just aren't in the cards for us as a family. We typically go to the same beach or mountain resorts. It's a lot of work to go, so we stay a long time. Older DS started to complain bitterly about it. Pointing out all the ways he should be grateful did not have the desired affect, because the problem wasn't that he lacked gratitude. Not exactly, anyway. He was just feeling frustrated about the family situation he was stuck in, and pointing out all the other good things in his life wasn't what he needed. He needed to be heard. So he and I talked about the things he wanted, his disappointments, whatever. He understood all the reason he "should" be grateful, he just needed to vent, too. At the end I told him we could skip the trip if he really wanted to, but I couldn't give him the trips he really wanted, (and I also gently suggested that the other trips might not make him as happy as he thought, but I didn't perseverate on that). He suggested a compromise, which was a shorter trip to where we usually went, so that at least the rest of the break he could relax at home.

I will say that since that discussion our last two trips have, objectively, been two of the "lamest" because we made reservations late and DH had health flare ups that prevented us from doing much of anything while we were there. But I openly acknowledged these things with older DS, and he really had a different attitude. Really tried to make the best of it. And I had a different attitude, too. Instead of trying to point out all the things he should be enjoying (i.e., "unspoiling" him), I just let it be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did he want the trip or did you choose to do a trip and callout a present? It sounds like he wanted a very different day and you didn't care/listen.

Why would you say that? What makes you think I don’t care or listen to my son? I have a budget, and whatever happens has to be within that budget.

The PP is asking - did you give him a choice of trip vs bigger gift?

He wants only cash for video games. And I do refuse to make that an only present.[/quote]

And I’ve asked what else does he want. But he will get most of that for Christmas. His birthday is right after.

OP. Read what you wrote. You unspoil your child by cutting back on presents and expectations. It won't be pretty the first time around, but your child clearly needs an attitude adjustment.

[Anonymous]

You start giving less and start having him earn things/money or gifts, especially if you think he needs a certain item to keep up with the Jones.

At 13, they like to spend time with their friends. Even though it is important to you. If possible, give him some time with his friends as a birthday celebration and then some family time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cancel your trip and book yourselves in that weekend to help out at Martha's kitchen or a similar soup kitchen charity.

Then donate his presents to A Wider Circle or similar charity

and any left over cash - donate that too.

He can write the envelope.

You are living in a fxxking bubble OP, bust out of it yourself and your son may have half a chance in life.

Way to miss the point here. She picked a trip, booked a suite and NONE OF THIS IS WHAT HER DS ASKED FOR OR WANTED FOR HIS BIRTHDAY. This is all about her and not about him at all. Most parents try to take their kids' wants in to consideration when getting gifts and figures out what they can do with their budget. Her child is not spoiled, he is expressing valid feelings about his desires not even being considered. She knows he would prefer to get money for his birthday and she won't do that. She isn't listening to her child. If this were a wife complaining that her husband refuses to take her wants in to consideration and gets her stuff HE WANTS for her birthday, the responses would be savage about how selfish the husband is.