How do I unspoil him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cancel the trip. Get a cake and one gift that costs no more than $75. He will have a temper tantrum. When he's done, you can have the conversation in which you inform him that until he learns how to appropriately express gratitude, this is what gifts will be from now on.

Also: does he GIVE gifts? He should.

Scale down? She got him two games and a chair.

Which was about $250 which seems like a lot to me for a 12th birthday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cancel the trip. Get a cake and one gift that costs no more than $75. He will have a temper tantrum. When he's done, you can have the conversation in which you inform him that until he learns how to appropriately express gratitude, this is what gifts will be from now on.

Also: does he GIVE gifts? He should.

He does give gifts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did he want the trip or did you choose to do a trip and callout a present? It sounds like he wanted a very different day and you didn't care/listen.

Why would you say that? What makes you think I don’t care or listen to my son? I have a budget, and whatever happens has to be within that budget.

The PP is asking - did you give him a choice of trip vs bigger gift?

He wants only cash for video games. And I do refuse to make that an only present.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did he want the trip or did you choose to do a trip and callout a present? It sounds like he wanted a very different day and you didn't care/listen.

Why would you say that? What makes you think I don’t care or listen to my son? I have a budget, and whatever happens has to be within that budget.

The PP is asking - did you give him a choice of trip vs bigger gift?

He wants only cash for video games. And I do refuse to make that an only present.

And I’ve asked what else does he want. But he will get most of that for Christmas. His birthday is right after.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cancel the trip. Get a cake and one gift that costs no more than $75. He will have a temper tantrum. When he's done, you can have the conversation in which you inform him that until he learns how to appropriately express gratitude, this is what gifts will be from now on.

Also: does he GIVE gifts? He should.

Treating a 13 year old like a toddler is not going to get the reaction you want and creates a power struggle with no benefit.

OP, if he recently moved to a wealthier school he is probably is trying to fit in. The middle school years can brutal. Talk to him and find out what is going on and listen to his response. Tell him you are surprised/disappointed in his reaction. See if you can find a path forward you both find acceptable. If he doesn’t want to go on a trip don’t force him. It is his birthday and at 13 he should have a say in how he celebrates it within the constraints you give him.

[Anonymous]

OP, you still haven’t answered the question of whether he wants to go on a trip? It matters what he thinks because it’s his birthday.

[Anonymous]

You unspoil him by canceling the trip and canceling the gifts. You tell him you've done that because his attitude stinks and he is not acting like a child who deserves anything beyond his needs. You tell him from now on, you will only be providing him with his needs. If he doesn't take care of his wants, they will be taken away. You get strict. You set boundaries and stick to them. You have him do chores to handle his own stuff (his laundry, cleaning his bedroom) and to contribute to the family (making dinner, mopping the floors, dusting, raking the leaves, cleaning up from meals, etc.).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did he want the trip or did you choose to do a trip and callout a present? It sounds like he wanted a very different day and you didn't care/listen.

Why would you say that? What makes you think I don’t care or listen to my son? I have a budget, and whatever happens has to be within that budget.

The PP is asking - did you give him a choice of trip vs bigger gift?

He wants only cash for video games. And I do refuse to make that an only present.

How about giving him one of the games he really wants, something that's a surprise (fun/interesting, but not expensive), some cash, and have a bday at home with his favorite meal/cake? Is he doing anything with friends?

Trips as part of a gift are tricky at his age, unless it's something he asked for. My ds is 13 and I could totally see him requesting the cash value of the trip in lieu of the trip.

His comment about last year's gift was rude and not okay, but overall your examples don't necessarily sound like he's spoiled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cancel the trip. Get a cake and one gift that costs no more than $75. He will have a temper tantrum. When he's done, you can have the conversation in which you inform him that until he learns how to appropriately express gratitude, this is what gifts will be from now on.

Also: does he GIVE gifts? He should.

Scale down? She got him two games and a chair.

Which was about $250 which seems like a lot to me for a 12th birthday.

$250? Most games are $20-60 each and a chair is $40-100. Lots of sales on games right now so could be less too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you still haven’t answered the question of whether he wants to go on a trip? It matters what he thinks because it’s his birthday.

She doesn't want to address that nor the brag that they got a nice room, which was her choice, not his. Then she wonders why he is spoiled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did he want the trip or did you choose to do a trip and callout a present? It sounds like he wanted a very different day and you didn't care/listen.

No one is entitled to a birthday gift - or any other gift. Whether it is what you would choose, you still need to be gracious.

I’d cancel the trip since he doesn’t want it and I’d scale down the birthday.

And, FWIW, I agree with the PP who says kids don’t care where they sleep in a hotel. Upgrades mean nothing.

It does to him. He constantly complains about us snoring,etc.

So, maybe that is why he doesn't want to go. Go to the doctor and get a sleep study and a cpap. Works wonders for snoring.

[Anonymous]

I'm confused. You don't know why you are zoned for a school in Potomac?

Cancel the trip. Get him a birthday cake and celebrate at home. If he continues to be a brat then no gifts.

He needs to learn to give as well.

This is not a Potomac middle school problem this is a spoiled kid issue.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know which middle school you are going to, but remember that all the Jewish kids are becoming Bar/Bat Mitzvahs this year. Many of those in Potomac will have massive, over the top parties. Like, cost more than your wedding parties.
For better or for worse, this is his peer group. Please stay within your budget, but focus on how he wants to celebrate, and don’t go cheap just to go cheap.

I’m with the others who don’t think the trip is his idea of a celebration.

[Anonymous]

Target is having buy two, get one free on some video games... get him three. Done. Get him a cake and take him out to eat with a few friends.

[Anonymous]

You sound like you are connected to your child. You are getting him something you want (a trip) and not what he actually wants.
If you have a finite amount of money and you have in a school with wealthier kids, then you should be talking to him and really listening, and having him prioritize what he wants within the budget.

He doesn't want the trip. You are angry with him but you aren't really communicating with him and listening to him either.