Stop! Don’t feed the...kid! Nice way to handle?

[Anonymous]

Grandparents and family id tell the full story and establish firm rules - if they don’t follow then no solo time. School id tell the full story too. Good friends full story. Random birthday party parents or casual folks - “dd has a metabolic issue similar almost to something like diabetes so please don’t give her extra food” -
Can yiu tell us the situation where you lost it? It might help us troubleahoot.
Honestly one of my kids is just really sensitive to food - kind of goes crazy on lots of junk - I’ve been able to keep pretty close reigns on it except at maybe a random class party where she goes nuts - and we allow tons of desert options at home - but kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are exaggerating and setting your kid up to feel self conscious. She is only 4, so I assume she is in your care most of the time. You said the side effect is more hunger so she eats more and gains weight, this is how everyone puts on weight. The key is to give her healthy food when she is hungry. Occasional treats are fine. How often is she around huge pieces of cake and lollipops. ( You would have to eat an awful lot of lollipops to cause weight gain btw)

I have a large child, not overweight but solid and she loves to eat. We eat healthy meals 90% of the time and mostly healthy snacks. I let it go when she is with other people. You will drive yourself crazy and drive your kid to hide things from you.

I would make one amendment. "My child has a medical condition. She can have small amounts of certain foods (like sugar) but more than that could cause her to have a problem. Please do not give anything else to her without checking with me first." That gives them the information that an approved amount of something like cake/cupcake or candy is okay, but more is not.

I find that framing something for people like (a little is okay, more is not) helps them better understand the boundaries that they shouldn't cross. When you don't give that information, people like this PP will frame whatever you say with their own personal experience and ignore what you say. People think they know better, when they don't. Then they go and do the wrong thing because it looks to them like whatever they think it is rather than following your request because they think they know better than you do.

And PP--stop ignoring other people's instructions and overlaying your own personal experience on other people's children. You don't always know better than those parents and their doctors. Sometimes, you may be right, but in some cases you will do more harm than help if you use your personal judgment instead of following the parents instructions and requests.

[Anonymous]

OP you should probably post this in the special needs forum. Something like “please do not give Larla food without checking as she has a medical disorder” would be useful. Parents will comply with that. If your family thinks the only result of her eating the cupcake is she will gain weight, you may have a harder row to hoe with them.

Why did you have the breakdown? It may be that her disorder means she WILL be overweight so while you can of course mitigate by not allowing excessive junk, try to allow yourself some grace. She’s not going to be thin and skinny with a disorder like this, so freaking out over EVERY extra treat wont help either of you.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think you need to be nice, per se. Clear, firm, repeat as needed. Document in all the right places. Maybe offer some additional information on her condition to her teacher and other caregivers so there is more context around the food issues.

But let’s talk about the grandparents. Shouldn’t these people be helping you and your partner in any way possible to strategize your DD diagnosis? From what you described this will be a life long challenge, not some passing thing. I hope your therapist is coaching you on how to have an extremely blunt conversation with these folks. They need to be on Team DD even if it means no goodies. especially if it means no goodies ! She needs support especially going through life feeling different.

Forget being nice just focus on the message. Take care Mama

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think you need to be nice, per se. Clear, firm, repeat as needed. Document in all the right places. Maybe offer some additional information on her condition to her teacher and other caregivers so there is more context around the food issues.

But let’s talk about the grandparents. Shouldn’t these people be helping you and your partner in any way possible to strategize your DD diagnosis? From what you described this will be a life long challenge, not some passing thing. I hope your therapist is coaching you on how to have an extremely blunt conversation with these folks. They need to be on Team DD even if it means no goodies. especially if it means no goodies ! She needs support especially going through life feeling different.

Forget being nice just focus on the message. Take care Mama

This might sound over the top, but if they’re local, I’d take them to an appointment with me so they can hear it from a medical professional. DS was going through some medical stuff and his anxiety went through the roof. MIL was dismissive of a lot of it, both medical and emotional. She’s not local, but he had a therapy appointment scheduled during one of her visits, and I asked if she’d like to accompany us. It was eye opening for her to see that the therapist wasn’t just blowing smoke up my kid’s ass and coddling all his big feelings, but she was teaching him coping strategies and helping him with long term plans for how to handle things. She still slips up sometimes but she usually checks herself. She’s also come around to be one of DS’s biggest advocates. When her older brother (who she always defers to-weird family dynamic) made a comment about DS being too soft and that he’s babied too much, MIL launched into an info session about DS’s struggles and how much his therapist helped him. (Doesn’t sound very dramatic but it was like a pivotal moment in a sports movie when the coach gives a rousing speech at halftime and then everyone rallies around the kid who isn’t a great player but has a heart of gold.)

[Anonymous]

I absolutely disagree about her saying her child has diabetes. You could say it is similar to diabetes - my friend's child actually has something that is like diabetes but basically the opposite. I can't remember the details now.

But don't say 'diabetes' because most people know at least one person with it and if you spend any time around people, they will notice that the dd does not in fact have diabetes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you can tell the truth. I have a 4 year old and would never consider that my child’s friends could have such a disorder, but would honor the wishes of any parent who brought it up. Any reasonable person would.

+1

Parents understand peanut allergies, milk/dairy allergies and intolerance. Parents understand about lots of special diet restrictions, whether out of preference, or medical issues, or religion, or anything. Be direct and say that she has a special medical diet and to feed her X or not feed her Y.

As she gets older, you'll have to teach her this. My kids have learned to politely refuse milk and other specific food, and know which of their friends are allergic to nuts or chocolate or whatever.

Yeah, it's amazing how much they absorb. My kid is only 3, but she'll say things like, "Mommy, Chloe can't have milk because she'll get sick!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Please don’t feed her extra food. She’s on a special diet.” No reason to go ballistic. Or just “ don’t give her extra food, please”

If OP does this with no further explanation, I would just think OP had an eating disorder and was giving one to her child. She needs to tell people WHY if she wants them to understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you apologized to the person you blew up at? Similar situation happened in a mom group I am and that mom pretty much got shunned by a lot of people because of it. You don't want this to be you. Plus, I noticed people discounted her because of her ridiculous behavior. I'm glad you're in therapy.

Shunned? Are you in a group of teenagers? Please tell me you aren’t as emotionally immature as you are coming across in your post,

NP here. If one mom in our group blew up loudly and inappropriately at another mom and we all witnessed it, we would absolutely be cooler to that mom going forward. Adults don’t blow up at other adults. And definitely not without apologizing.

[Anonymous]

I'm surprised this topic has so many weird reactions.

OP, for grandparents and relatives, this should be easy - either they respect the guidelines that were given to you by your child's medical team or they don't get to see your child unsupervised. If you yelled at a grandparent or relative, then I understand it.

For other parents/school - a variation of the messages that folks have posted - "My child has a medical condition and we have to carefully monitor her diet. Please ask me before giving her a second helping, extra cake, etc."

Does your daughter go and ask for seconds/complain that she's still hungry. That can be hard for other parents to brush off. I might even go as far as telling them to still ask me even if she says she's hungry.

Good luck. This sounds incredibly stressful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Grandparents and family id tell the full story and establish firm rules - if they don’t follow then no solo time. School id tell the full story too. Good friends full story. Random birthday party parents or casual folks - “dd has a metabolic issue similar almost to something like diabetes so please don’t give her extra food” -
Can yiu tell us the situation where you lost it? It might help us troubleahoot.
Honestly one of my kids is just really sensitive to food - kind of goes crazy on lots of junk - I’ve been able to keep pretty close reigns on it except at maybe a random class party where she goes nuts - and we allow tons of desert options at home - but kids

OP should simply stay with her kid the entire time and monitor what she eats.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Please don’t feed her extra food. She’s on a special diet.” No reason to go ballistic. Or just “ don’t give her extra food, please”

If OP does this with no further explanation, I would just think OP had an eating disorder and was giving one to her child. She needs to tell people WHY if she wants them to understand.

This. I would be sad for the 4 year old whom I assume is being fat shamed by her own mother.

I’m sorry, OP. This sounds challenging. I wonder if emailing/printing some info on the disorder would be helpful for getting grandparents on board, at least?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What kind of metabolic disorder can a four-year-old have that causes increased appetite?

not OP but Prader-Wili (sp?) will do this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
For simplicity I would say she’s diabetic. People understand that and they know it’s dangerous to give diabetic kids foods they aren’t supposed to have.

This also gives you cover if you give her a cupcake at a birthday party. People will think you need to monitor her sugar and insulin so she doesn’t have a life threatening problem. It’s really close to the truth and understandable to everyone.

How about just saying the actual disorder she has (prader- willi, etc) instead of lying?