MIL response to DH cheating
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Anonymous
This. Leave and let him have permission to be who he is. |
Anonymous
| Op, you are young and have your whole life, without this jerk, ahead of you. You will have a hard couple of years starting a career as a single mom, but you can do it! And it will get easier once the kids are a bit older and you have some financial stability. But you’ve got to do it. Talk with your own family, get a lawyer, and find your way out of this mess. Do it for yourself and your kids. Millions of women have had to make this kind of decision and you can too! Get on out of there! |
Anonymous
Thinking our loud here: Read the following not as a moral truth (it isn't one at all), but as a deep and ancient psychological reality. The psychology of motherhood, either deep down or very close to the surface depending on the woman, is to take on "the sins" or problems of your children as your own failings, to try to figure out what went wrong and try to fix it, if it isn't too late. This includes, behavioral issues, but also physical and mental health issues and learning challenges and educational issues. You are her responsibility in her mind, no matter how old you are; so what you inflict upon the world is her fault and her problem to prevent or fix. Your wife isn't her responsibility in the same way and is more a reflection of your mom's success or failure raising you (in the sense that she didn't create your wife and can't "fix" her). So your mom's focus will be on you and accusations against you will be by default accusations against her. Similarly, here reaction will be a reflection of how she feels about her own responsibility in the situation. She will either feel guilt if the accusations seem true or defensive if they don't, and will act according to her own personality and usual response to feeling guilt or false accusations. Even the most sane and rational women on the surface, who may fight against this psychology and even outwardly act contrary to it, deep, deep down, will have traces of this bond. We all feel it, which is why it is so hard to disappoint our mothers, because deep down we know they will bear the brunt of our behavior as an intrinsic failing of their own, whereas we, having hopefully achieved separation, own our own behavior, which we may not even see in the same light as our mothers. So if your mother takes your wife's side, her version of this psyche is deeper down and not as close to the surface, and taking your wife's side would be her way of chastising your behavior and trying to fix you or perhaps even to clean up your mistakes for you by caring for your wife's pain. It appears that OP's husband's mother bears this psyche closer to the surface and is deep in the guilt side of this, so her reaction to guilt is to shun and avoid looking at the evidence of her "own" failing, which she may fear (or realize) she cannot now fix. To be clear, I am not in any way saying mothers are actually to blame for everything or that any of this is the mother's fault. That is BS. Rather, this is in fact how mothers may react to their kids' issues. It is a challenge that parents fight on a daily basis -- to separate their children's behavior from their own moral responsibility, and react in a way that is best for their own child's growth and to the community overall (particularly if the child is inflicting serious harm to others). And really, either way, because you are family, no matter who's "side" she seems to be taking, a mother's reaction exists because she is your mother, because she has that bond to you. In your hypothetical, she is taking your wife's side because she is YOUR mother, and she feels her role in your relationship with your wife is to help your wife deal with her son's behavior. |
Anonymous
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Sure parenting has a lot to do with kids' successes and failures.
My MIL married someone with mild aspergers and ADD but never got diagnosed until her two sons had it and hit the wall in their 30s. By then she had figured out something neurotic was going on with all 3 of them, but quit her job, learned to teach and coach the dyslexic one (who also had HFA, ADD), ignore her loony husband, coddle the older high IQ functioning one. my husband got treated, then turned around and told his jobless brother to get help. No one told Mom, nor dad. But now hanging out all together, knowing the symptoms and coping mechanism is just loony. |
Anonymous
| so, MIL had no impact on her kids' due to their inherited mental disorders. |
Anonymous
| How do you not understand this? That’s her son and you’re bad mouthing him to her. Regardless of the fact that his behavior is actually bad, are you really that dim to think that his own mother would turn on him? C’mon. |
Anonymous
| This sounds like some bad trailer trash movie. Where do you live? |
Anonymous
When I discovered my ex was cheating with countless partners, including men, that he met online, at first I consoled mysekf that he must be gay and was working out some deep-seated shame and trying to come to terms with being gay. It wasn’t that. He was a sexaddict. He got a high from hookups of any kind, and anonymous dudes who would give him blowjobs were ALWAYS available in a quick drive from his work in DC. If he couldn’t find a woman or a couple on short notice, he’d meet up with a man. It was as about availability. |
Anonymous
OP here, dh explained it that way. That they were more avilable. He said he is not attracted to men, but is maybe 10 percent bi, enough that he would hook up with one. And i give oral. But i do have a gag reflux, which apparently these people did not. |
Anonymous
Please don't bring anymore children into this union. And make sure you stay up to date on your STD tests. |
Anonymous
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OP, I’m sorry. You found out a difficult truth. Then you found out you did not have the support of your MiL. While MiL taking her son’s side is understandable, I can also see why it took you by surprise to find out that she’s not an emotionally safe person.
None of the interaction changes the predicament that you are in with your husband. You can find emotional support from your friends and your family of origin. You still need to make a decision about whether to stay or go. (BTW, if your husband is still committed to finding sex elsewhere, and you’re not cool with that, it’s time to go.) |
Anonymous
This is OP. Thank you, the term "not an emotionally safe person" really explains it. And I am pretty positive he is not cheating. I now have a GPS app we use, and I also figured out his passwords to the old dating apps and they are abandoned. (None had a photo or his name so he didnt bother deleting, he just deleted the apps back when I caught him). He has not even hung out with friends since then besides inviting over a friend while I was home. His friends usually want to drink at bars. We have both recently switched to drinking wine only, on weekends, so that's a start. |
Anonymous
| Stop worrying about your MIL and figure out how to leave this guy. It would be wrong to raise children in this environment. He will only get worse. Seek therapy. Confide in a friend or family member who cares about you. You must get out now: before your children are screwed up for life, and while you are young enough to remarry. But do get therapy or these problems will follow you. Godspeed |
Anonymous
| He could give you AIDS easily. Save yourself before it is too late |
Anonymous
I mean, isn't the cheating alone considered abuse? |